phoebe_monkey
29-01-09, 21:41
My name's Phoebe and I'm 21. I've had Social Anxiety for many years, and was properly diagnosed with it in August after plucking up the courage to go see a counsellor at university (who told me to see my gp).
Back in August I went to my gp, who sent me to a private psychiatrist. She put me on escitalopram (which did nothing except make me throw up on buses, have splitting headaches and get really dizzy). She also made me a day patient at a private psychiatric hospital, where I went through 10 weeks of CBT group therapy. At the beginning it was 9.30am- 4.30pm Monday to Friday, but gradually I went for less days a week (mainly because I was removed from the main CBT groups for not talking and my insurance ran out!).
This lasted until almost the end of November. I couldn't cope with being in the groups and none of the therapists seemed to understand why I was freaking out and couldn't talk. Eventually, in about my 8th week my key worker went on holiday and things got much worse. I felt completely abandoned- I completely freaked out during a group and the other therapists refused to talk to me about it- saying I would have to wait until my key worker came back! It got so bad I started self harming. My key worker came back and was very concerned to begin with- she kept asking if I was suicidal and made me an urgent appoint with my psychiatrist. But, after a couple of days, she told me that I clearly 'wasn't ready to change' and she was going to discharge me! Went to the psychiatrist appointment, but she wasn't helpful and just told me to come off escitalopram because it hadn't helped and I'd ran out of insurance so would have to go back to my doctor.
I went back to my university counsellor and have been seeing her once a week since then. My doctor refered me to my local community mental health team. I was assessed by them in mid December. The CPN was awful- she made me feel like I was wasting her time, dismissed my self harm and even said I didn't look anxious! (by this point I was digging my nails into the back of my hand, couldn't make eye contact or say more than a couple of words and was even slightly rocking in the chair) I heard nothing from her until I went to see another psychiatrist at my university (who doesn't really understand SA) and she phoned to see what was happening. The nurse said she'd 'closed my case' and was refering me to a 'stress centre' that runs groups. What do I have to do to get through to her that I can't cope in groups?!
My counsellor has been the only support I have throughout. She understands me completely, lets me email her as much as I want (she replies once a week) and puts no pressure on me to talk.
After 6 months I have finally realised what my main problem is.... talking. With the help of my counsellor I figured out that when I am very anxious I just physically cannot speak. She even tested it by getting me to read a magazine article aloud- I stared at the page for 15mins, my head screaming at me to read it, but the words just wouldn't come. I think that in addition (or possibly as part of) my SA I also have selective mutism, and have been selectively mute since I was about 9. Therapy and counselling both require that you can talk about your problems. But talking is my problem!
Back in August I went to my gp, who sent me to a private psychiatrist. She put me on escitalopram (which did nothing except make me throw up on buses, have splitting headaches and get really dizzy). She also made me a day patient at a private psychiatric hospital, where I went through 10 weeks of CBT group therapy. At the beginning it was 9.30am- 4.30pm Monday to Friday, but gradually I went for less days a week (mainly because I was removed from the main CBT groups for not talking and my insurance ran out!).
This lasted until almost the end of November. I couldn't cope with being in the groups and none of the therapists seemed to understand why I was freaking out and couldn't talk. Eventually, in about my 8th week my key worker went on holiday and things got much worse. I felt completely abandoned- I completely freaked out during a group and the other therapists refused to talk to me about it- saying I would have to wait until my key worker came back! It got so bad I started self harming. My key worker came back and was very concerned to begin with- she kept asking if I was suicidal and made me an urgent appoint with my psychiatrist. But, after a couple of days, she told me that I clearly 'wasn't ready to change' and she was going to discharge me! Went to the psychiatrist appointment, but she wasn't helpful and just told me to come off escitalopram because it hadn't helped and I'd ran out of insurance so would have to go back to my doctor.
I went back to my university counsellor and have been seeing her once a week since then. My doctor refered me to my local community mental health team. I was assessed by them in mid December. The CPN was awful- she made me feel like I was wasting her time, dismissed my self harm and even said I didn't look anxious! (by this point I was digging my nails into the back of my hand, couldn't make eye contact or say more than a couple of words and was even slightly rocking in the chair) I heard nothing from her until I went to see another psychiatrist at my university (who doesn't really understand SA) and she phoned to see what was happening. The nurse said she'd 'closed my case' and was refering me to a 'stress centre' that runs groups. What do I have to do to get through to her that I can't cope in groups?!
My counsellor has been the only support I have throughout. She understands me completely, lets me email her as much as I want (she replies once a week) and puts no pressure on me to talk.
After 6 months I have finally realised what my main problem is.... talking. With the help of my counsellor I figured out that when I am very anxious I just physically cannot speak. She even tested it by getting me to read a magazine article aloud- I stared at the page for 15mins, my head screaming at me to read it, but the words just wouldn't come. I think that in addition (or possibly as part of) my SA I also have selective mutism, and have been selectively mute since I was about 9. Therapy and counselling both require that you can talk about your problems. But talking is my problem!