mkzoe
02-02-09, 05:24
Hello. My name is Zoe and I although I haven't been formally diagnosed I suffer from anxiety. I had my first full blown panic attack last week and I am still completely out of sorts. I am crying as I write this b/c I am terrified of having to go through one of those again.
The attack was triggered by stress related to work and a business road trip my boyfriend was going on in two days (he has to drive long distances at all hours and I am petrified of him getting in an accident) Now I am feeling a bit lost and hopeless b/c none of the external reasons my attack happened will change, I am the one that has to change and I have no idea how. I know I need help and more than anything I need support from people that understand how I feel. It really is difficult to find sympathetic people when you suffer from a condition that most see as silly and pointless, it really makes me feel lonely.
I've always been somewhat of an anxious person and my biggest trigger is fear of loosing a loved one. The first time I remember feeling anxiety was when I was 7. My dad used to go to work very early in the morning and I remember being scared that he would get murdered in front of our house so I would get up at five in the morning and watch him from my window, which overlooked the garage and just wait till he got in the car and was safe. I remember once he realized I was doing this he started looking up and wave at me. This went on for what feels likes a year. After this I remember being repeatedly worried about my parents and brother dying and now my boyfriend of three years has become my new focus. He tries to understand me but i don't think he really grasps how horrible I feel on a daily basis and really, who in their right mind would?
Sometimes I look back at what could have triggered this behavior and I can think of two events that somewhat justify my fears. When I was about 6 my grandfather was burglarized and shot to death in his grocery store. I don't remember much about that actually except the phone call when my mom found out and a few days later going to the funeral. I think that's the moment when I decided the world was a dangerous place. The second event in my life is when my grandmother was diagnosed with brain cancer, it was just so fast, she got sick and a few months later she was on her deathbed. At the time I had been getting very close to her, I had been as a child but my relationship with her was growing even closer. I felt robbed when she left, it was impossibly hard to accept her death.
So here I am now in this forum pouring my feelings out b/c i don't know what else I can do with them. It is actually a bit calming to write it down and know that some of you might understand. So hello again and thank you for taking the time to read my story. -Zoe
The attack was triggered by stress related to work and a business road trip my boyfriend was going on in two days (he has to drive long distances at all hours and I am petrified of him getting in an accident) Now I am feeling a bit lost and hopeless b/c none of the external reasons my attack happened will change, I am the one that has to change and I have no idea how. I know I need help and more than anything I need support from people that understand how I feel. It really is difficult to find sympathetic people when you suffer from a condition that most see as silly and pointless, it really makes me feel lonely.
I've always been somewhat of an anxious person and my biggest trigger is fear of loosing a loved one. The first time I remember feeling anxiety was when I was 7. My dad used to go to work very early in the morning and I remember being scared that he would get murdered in front of our house so I would get up at five in the morning and watch him from my window, which overlooked the garage and just wait till he got in the car and was safe. I remember once he realized I was doing this he started looking up and wave at me. This went on for what feels likes a year. After this I remember being repeatedly worried about my parents and brother dying and now my boyfriend of three years has become my new focus. He tries to understand me but i don't think he really grasps how horrible I feel on a daily basis and really, who in their right mind would?
Sometimes I look back at what could have triggered this behavior and I can think of two events that somewhat justify my fears. When I was about 6 my grandfather was burglarized and shot to death in his grocery store. I don't remember much about that actually except the phone call when my mom found out and a few days later going to the funeral. I think that's the moment when I decided the world was a dangerous place. The second event in my life is when my grandmother was diagnosed with brain cancer, it was just so fast, she got sick and a few months later she was on her deathbed. At the time I had been getting very close to her, I had been as a child but my relationship with her was growing even closer. I felt robbed when she left, it was impossibly hard to accept her death.
So here I am now in this forum pouring my feelings out b/c i don't know what else I can do with them. It is actually a bit calming to write it down and know that some of you might understand. So hello again and thank you for taking the time to read my story. -Zoe