Terrified of Smear Test Results

[MrsThomas76]

My name is Sarah and I'm 32, married but no kids yet. I've had quite a promiscuous past which I'm very, very ashamed of and deeply regret, and 18 months ago, following some fertility tests, I was told that I had a 1:200 chance of having had the chlamydia virus. I was given the appropriate antibiotics which I took, and I never gave it another thought.
The fertility tests were otherwise ok, so I assume that no long-term damage was done if I did have the virus.
But.... on Monday, I had my 3-yearly smear test done at my doctors. My last one was in November '05 and was all clear. But for some reason, this time round, my nerves are completely shattered and I have convinced myself that the smear test results will come back "abnormal".
I have been driving myself insane by reading up on cervical cancer and the HPV virus which can cause it, and I've become almost obsessed.
Reading/hearing about poor Jade Goody (who is now terminally ill with cervical cancer at just 27 yrs old) has multiplied my fear.
I seem to walk around in a daze, my mind constantly reeling with the "what if" thoughts. I look at the sky, hear the birds singing, and keep thinking, "what if this is the last time I see/hear these things?"
The worst part for me is that during my past escapades, I was in a long-term relationship and was actually cheating on my partner. We've since split and I am now married to a wonderful man whom I love dearly. But my guilt and sorrow for my mistakes overpowers me, and I've started to believe that I am going to be punished in some way... that surely I can't be allowed to "get away with it" so easily. Then I start wondering if getting cancer will be my punishment. It never ends.
It's been less than a week since my smear test, but I'm so tempted to keep ringing the doctor's surgery to ask if they have the results yet, even though deep down I know it won't be this soon.
What if I have HPV? What if I already have cervical cancer?
I am on the verge of tears 24/7, it's taking over my life and it's certainly not the first time I've been in this position, worrying about other, unrelated test results.
I have seen doctors about my anxiety and depression, I've been prescribed many different medications and seen a psychiatric nurse-come-councelor, but nothing seems to help me.
I'm at my wits end... I don't want to feel like this anymore, I'm sick of the constant fear and worry - I just want to be happy and live my life with hope instead of dread.
I just don't know what to do anymore, and to make matters worse, I now live in the USA and hubby and I can't afford health insurance, so there's no way I can afford the money to see a therapist or doctor about this problem.
Any ideas... anyone? :weep:

[amandaj]

hi where are you from origanly ,smear test results are awful to wait for, i got to admit my smear test was due a year this month but i cant go to be told something bad there. im sure all is ok if ever need to talk can always pm me
take care amandaxx

[MrsThomas76]

Hi, Amanda and thank you for replying to my post. I'm originally from the Midlands (currently a beautiful, snowy wonderland!) and am dreading returning to the Texas furnace.
Hun, even though I have pretty bad anxiety about my smear test results, one thing I can honestly say is that I'd rather know one way or another than sit wondering and trying to pretend I didn't need the test doing.
Look at what has happened to Jade Goody - if she'd followed up the letter advising her to get further treatment for abnormal cells, she may not be in the awful position she is in now.
Please, go and get your smear done.
Regardless of the worry involved waiting for the results, knowledge is power, as they say, and we're all in the same boat.
Don't risk your life by ignoring the letters asking you to go for the test.
Get it done and then you can come here for support.
Better safe than sorry, hun.
xx

[dawnt]

:) Hi ya,
I know how easy it is to say but please try not to worry so much. Im sure your smear test will come back as fine. Even if you should have an abnormal result it does not mean you have cancer, just early warning signs and they will treat you straight away. Poor Jade ignored abnormal results and even ignored advice to have an op, something I am sure she bitterley regrets. Please dont feel guilty or ashamed for what lies in your past, we all do things that at the present time we may not do again, but our pasts are what makes us who we are now. Just look on it that you have enjoyed your life but you are now at a different time and now see things differently, thats all, hope you get good news soon, you will be fine xxx:yesyes:

[amandaj]

snowy midlands is right atm , im in bucks , i will go now and have it done and im sure yours will be fine
amandaxx

[RosieXXX]

Hello,

I know it is horrible waiting, i always get in a state waiting for my smear test results. As you know smears detect any abnormality long before it becomes a problem, so the really good news is the last one you had was perfectly normal, so it is extremely unlikely anything untoward has happened between then and now. As dawnt said, the smear will pick up early warning signs, and three yearly tests are sufficient to make sure any possible slight problem can be sorted long before it becomes an issue.

[leanne1980]

H

[leanne1980]

Hi Sarah

i have just had my smear last month, the results were fine but i still worried, when i had it done i told the nurse i was worried, she asked why and i told her that im scared incase i have cancer, she told me that SMEAR tests are not cancer tests, they are to detect a change in the cells, she also said that 3 years is enough time to get the early stages of anything horrible, and woman that have regular smears wont get cervical cancer,

take care
Leanne x

[Liverbird67]

As long as you are up to date with your tests you should be ok I had an abnormal smear test a couple of years ago and was advised to have yearly ones for a while, whatever the abnormality was it righted itself so you should be fine.

Perhaps because you are anxious and worried you are letting guilt over your colourful past cloud your judgement. Remember sometimes we are the worlds worst at judging ourselves it seems to me you are letting your past and the guilt you are feeling run away with you, you cannot change the past so don't worry its not the end of the world blimey I bet a few people have things they wish they could change.

[hm1177]

what has happened to Jade is sad but very unlikely to happen to you which is why the papers are making such a big deal out of it - not good for us HA sufferers. As one of the posters said the test is to detect precancerous cells not cancer so even if your test comes back abnormal this does not mean you have cancer and you would be offered treatment to get rid of those precancerous cells. At the end of the day you will get your results back and you will get peace of mind. Easier said than done but try not to worry. :hugs:

[indigo]

Hi. when i had my smear done a few months ago i was convinced it was going to come back with something awful. I was walking around thinking exactly the same as you. My stomach felt odd, my periods were different some how and i was petrified of the phone ringing just in case it was the hospital telling me i had to go in now cause it was really bad!!!!!! The truth is it came back normal!!!! It's amazing what we can do to ourselves by worrying x x x

[cf09]

I've had two close friends who have had abnormal smear results and abnormal bleeding and both under the age of 30. One of my friends had to be treated at a pre-cancer clinic. I also know of two other people who have had abnormal test results. All of these people, I hasten to add, are all fine now.

But, this whole thing has been on my mind a lot lately and Jade's story in the press has caused me great anxiety this week particularly just as I was trying to sleep. It's very reassuring to read some of the posts about the low risks for people who have regular smear tests.

[seeker]

Hello
I absolutely repeat what others have said - Jade ignored several warnings and requests to go back for further treatment. I had an abnormal smear at twenty-something. The doctors sent out a letter approximately once a week and phoned once a week, to talk to me about further treatment/follow up smears. I went back, had another smear done adn it was fine. Thet said abnormal smear tests can be cuased by thrush, smoking and all sorts of other reasons. I now have a smear every year as a result of that one abnormal smear ten years ago.

I recently found out I also have HPV - 80% of the population do, so it's not that bad, really!

My advice would be to try not to worry - you have done the right thing having the smear (shame on those of you who haven't gone - we get them for FREE on the NHS in this country - plenty of other countries don't have this luxury) and even if the results are abnormal, they can quickly treat an odd cells.

Let us know how you get on, and those of you who haven't gone - GO NOW!! Surely if anything, Jade's case has highlighted the crucial importance of regular testing from an early age?!

Seeker

[helen26]

hi, i have been going out of my mind with worry since xmas eve. i had a pain in the lady parts! and was convinced it was something terrible. i also had a little bit of discharge, nothing much but i was out of my mind with worry. so went to docs, she said my smear was overdue, so she booked me in and to have some swabs done. so off i went for my smear, had the swabs, they came back normal, so my panic increased! i have not read the papers or bought my usual magazines for weeks because of poor jade (my kids are the same age as hers) it really scared me. so i have been out of my mind for 4 weeks and 4 days! my results came yesterday (i have been waiting for the postman coming everyday) they were normal, i couldnt believe it, i was shaking, and i feel like a weight has been lifted!! (until the next thing ay!!) im sure u will be fine, and funny enough all the "symptoms" that i have had, have magically gone, lol!

[MrsThomas76]

Thank you all so much for your words of reassurance and encouragement... I'm sorry for not responding sooner, but I thought I'd checked the box in my profile that says "email notification of responses", so when I got no emails, I thought no one else had replied!
I think my main worry is that I'm going back to America on Tuesday and if my results aren't back before then, I'll be away for 6 months and can't afford to get a colposcopy done if my results eventually do come back abnormal. My husbands American and we currently live over there, only visiting the UK once every 6 months, and there's no way I could afford a flight back within the next 26 weeks. God, being a woman is damn hard and so cruelly unfair sometimes with all the health issues we come up against. I know men are just as suseptable(sp?) to cancer and so on, but they just seem more able to handle themselves and worry alot less. Or maybe they just don't show it.
I'm a walking mess right now... what with the sick feeling of having to fly back to the US, leave my family and beautiful England behind once again.... I saw the doctor this morning and he's put me on Xanax which is helping somewhat. But DAMN this anxiety. I just wanna live my life and enjoy it instead of wasting it by worrying about every darn thing.

[hm1177]

well its been 10 days since you had the test and you've not heard back from them yet so thats surely a good sign? The people I know who had tests to detect cancer which were positive heard back very quickly. hope the xanax helps

[MrsThomas76]

Hello all, just a quick note to let you know that my results came back normal. THANK GOD!!! Now I'm off to find the forum to post about something else that is... well, making me sick with anxiety. Does it ever end?

[Little Miss Anxious]

Hi All, I have just been surfing the net for some reassurance that I am not alone in my problem. I am 35 years old & have always been terrified of going for a smear (not having it done - just worried I may find out something I dont want to know) For the past 10 or so years I managed to plod along putting this to the back of my mind. After all the recent publicity surrounding Jade it was nagging away at me & I just couldnt get it out of my mind. I convinced myself that because I had never been & i'm 35 there will no be something wrong with me & it will be to late !! After getting myself in a real state I plucked up courage last week & went to the clinic for my first smear. The nurse was lovely - didnt lecture me, said it didnt matter I had not been before, the main thing is I was dealing with it now, its a big releif I eventually made it - Now though I am waiting for the results & cant help but think I am going to get told I have incurable cancer !! I can honestly say I have had no untoward symptoms in the departnent (I am on cerezette pill so only have light periods every 6 or 7 weeks so certainly have no frequent heavy bleeding) I have just got myself so wound up I dont even know if i will dare open the envelope when it comes. Like many others I do have the odd experience of unsafe sex & have had a common STD which was symptomatic straight away & got sorted quickly with antibiotics. I have just got myself in such a state about this its taking over my every though, my husband is sympathetic but I dont think understands why I am so stressed over this !!

[sue681]

Hi,
i had a smear test about 10yrs ago,like you just plodded along until now and hearing the news about Jade,ive got my smear test this comming wednesday and like you i'm also worried sick about it.i'm on te pill and have regular periods etc..but ive heard its a silent killer which means you don't know you've got in untill its actually quite advanced !
just so worried like you,hope were both o.k x

[Little Miss Anxious]

It is massively reassuring to know others feel like I do - I honestly thought I was the only woman in the entire country who had never been screened as I should have been. Once this is over & done with I have promised myself I will take care of myself & be screened regular - I never want to feel like this agian ! Fingers crossed for both of us xx

[Sallysdream]

Hi. I am 31 and had abnormal cells 10 years ago. They did 2 test to make sure and I had an
op, quite a painless one, since I had not any abnormal smears
. I have to have them done yearly now.
Just got pregnant with my 2nd child. So don't worry. Yes, jades story is upsetting me too and making me worried, but that
Is because she is living our nightmare. That's what ha sufferers fear the most, therfore
We react to it with scare and fear, which is good on one side as we are taking our health
Seriouis and would never ignore doctors letters

[MrsThomas76]

From internet research, fortunately, cervical cancer is very slow in progressing and there ARE some symptoms that women experience, such as irregular bleeding between periods, bleeding/pain during and after sex and nasty-smelling vaginal discharge.
You have both done the right thing by having your smears done, because ask yourself this... what if you did have cancer? Wouldn't you rather know and get treatment and be cured of it, or shorten your life because of believing that, "ignorance is bliss"?
I know it's scary, trust me I know, but the fact is, you have more chance of dying in a car crash than of having cervical cancer, and lemme guess... neither of you give it much thought when you get in your cars to drive somewhere, right?
Thinking positively can help with anxiety tremendously, and as hard as it may be to do, whenever you find yourself thinking about the "what-ifs", force your thoughts elsewhere. Read a book, watch a movie, go see a friend, meditate. Just remain focused and positive.
Best wishes to you both.

[Little Miss Anxious]

Hello, thanks for your feedback. I know deep down that going for my smear (all be it 10 years late !) was a good step forward. I also keep trying to tell myself that if anything sinister was going off down there then seeing as I have not had symptoms it would be likely very early stage & probalby treatable with minimum fuss. However the irrational side of my brain seems to take over on this subject - 49 % of my head tells me all will be fine whatever the result then 51% of my brain is consumed by googling horror stories, obsessing over poor Jade & scaring my self silly. I am one of lifes worriers, allways have been, always will be but with most things I can get a grip & keep my irrational side in check - this subject however has really got the better of me, its something which has been in the back of my mind for 10 years & now I have finally climbed the barrier & been for the test I feel worse. Everyone thinks I have done the hard part getting it done - this was always going to be the hard part for me though. I know once this is over & done with whichever way it goes it will be a huge relief...I will have to find something else to fret about !!

[snowdrop]

Mrs Thomas

I am awaiting my results too from 4 weeks ago and I hate waiting...whats even worse is that they say women should go mid cycle but my period decided to start that evening after it was done so now automatically I am thinking 'cells wont show up if it was done at the wrong time, what if they miss something'!

I actually got my 3 yearly reminder about 2 days ago (they obviously havent twigged that a gynae took one recently) and am going to have it repeated mid cycle just for piece of mind. I refuse to wait another 3 years worrying that they might have missed something because I wasnt mid cycle...that would be sheer hell!

I know what you're going through with the wait, dont know about the US but the results can take upto 12 weeks here, oh yeah and I had abormal cells once like another poster and they checked me every year until sorted so for me to have had to wait for 3 years this time has been tough!!

L x

[MrsThomas76]

L ... If your results from this most recent smear come back "normal" then I truly would take that at face value and accept that all is ok. The reason I say this is because the time of the month really shouldn't matter when related to "negative" results... I've done alot of research, and from what I can gauge, it's only when abnormal cells are found that it could be caused by the time of month they did your test.
I know how hard it is to wait... fortunately, I was very lucky to receive my results within 8 days (I had my smear done during a visit to the UK last month) but I have had to wait weeks in the past and it's truly hell.
But regarding your first smear, accept the results - or run the risk of developing your health anxiety into something much worse, such as a type of Munchausen's syndrome, where you end up constantly hassling doctors to find something wrong with you simply because you're convinced there is.
I know that sounds harsh, and I know how contradicting I sound considering I'm a worrier too, but a friend of mine has a wonderful saying that I try to adopt whenever I sit thinking, "But, what if....."
My friend always responds with, "Yeah, and what if your Aunty had balls, then she'd be ya Uncle".
And it's true.
Don't live life by the "what-ifs" because before you know it, life has passed you by, and those what-ifs have been and gone with no harm done expect to your mental state.
Accept the results of your first smear and leave it at that.
You will be just fine. :)

[Little Miss Anxious]

Just wanted to say thank you for all the re-assurance I got here. I got the envelope from the clinic, ran up to the loo, threw up, paced around for half an hour then eventually had the guts to open it :yesyes: it came back normal so all that angst & I was fine all along !! I had got myself into such a state over this & now i'm just cross with myself for getting myself in such a tangle over it. I send massive hugs out to anyone feeling like any of us have about this issue :bighug1:I for one never want to feel like that again !!

I am not going to start preaching now about how all women should go get screened as that would be totally hypocritical seeing as it took me to the age of 35 to pluck up the courage, all I will say is that nothing beats the feeling of finding out all is well, especailly after carrying this anxiety round with me for 10 years +. I will now stick to my promise to take care of myself from now on & go get checked again when the time comes again, hopefully the next time wont be so difficult as I wont have 10 years to catch up on :)

[noodle1]

i am a nurse and smear taker in general practice.
I would like to reassure that smears detect minor abnormalities of the cervix that if left could take years to develop into a cancer, having regular smear should detect these minor changes enabling treatment to be quick and easy. Its a very effective screening service for those who use it.

[Melliel]

My name is Sarah and I'm 32, married but no kids yet. I've had quite a promiscuous past which I'm very, very ashamed of and deeply regret, and 18 months ago, following some fertility tests, I was told that I had a 1:200 chance of having had the chlamydia virus. I was given the appropriate antibiotics which I took, and I never gave it another thought.
The fertility tests were otherwise ok, so I assume that no long-term damage was done if I did have the virus.
But.... on Monday, I had my 3-yearly smear test done at my doctors. My last one was in November '05 and was all clear. But for some reason, this time round, my nerves are completely shattered and I have convinced myself that the smear test results will come back "abnormal".
I have been driving myself insane by reading up on cervical cancer and the HPV virus which can cause it, and I've become almost obsessed.
Reading/hearing about poor Jade Goody (who is now terminally ill with cervical cancer at just 27 yrs old) has multiplied my fear.
I seem to walk around in a daze, my mind constantly reeling with the "what if" thoughts. I look at the sky, hear the birds singing, and keep thinking, "what if this is the last time I see/hear these things?"
The worst part for me is that during my past escapades, I was in a long-term relationship and was actually cheating on my partner. We've since split and I am now married to a wonderful man whom I love dearly. But my guilt and sorrow for my mistakes overpowers me, and I've started to believe that I am going to be punished in some way... that surely I can't be allowed to "get away with it" so easily. Then I start wondering if getting cancer will be my punishment. It never ends.
It's been less than a week since my smear test, but I'm so tempted to keep ringing the doctor's surgery to ask if they have the results yet, even though deep down I know it won't be this soon.
What if I have HPV? What if I already have cervical cancer?
I am on the verge of tears 24/7, it's taking over my life and it's certainly not the first time I've been in this position, worrying about other, unrelated test results.
I have seen doctors about my anxiety and depression, I've been prescribed many different medications and seen a psychiatric nurse-come-councelor, but nothing seems to help me.
I'm at my wits end... I don't want to feel like this anymore, I'm sick of the constant fear and worry - I just want to be happy and live my life with hope instead of dread.
I just don't know what to do anymore, and to make matters worse, I now live in the USA and hubby and I can't afford health insurance, so there's no way I can afford the money to see a therapist or doctor about this problem.
Any ideas... anyone? :weep:
Hi All,

I can't believe there are other people worryin! - all my friends and family (mainly husband) can't understand why I worry over health issues so much. I have my smear booked for Wednesday and this is literally all I can think about. The 'what if's' are constantly in my head and I dont seem able to look forward to anything. I a 33 years old with 3 children and have always gone for my 3 yearly smears which have all come back normal. 3 years ago I started experiencing bleeding in between periods and went to visit my nurse for reassurance. I had swobs to detect infections which came back clear, I convinced myself I had cervical cancer and would cry myself to sleep at night. My doctor refered me to a gyno who carried out a colcoscopy and a smear which came back negative although the biopsy indicated very, very minor changes. this has been playing at the back of my mind and I now think that these very, very minor changes may now be severe. I put my anxiety down to the fact the my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 49 and sadly passed away at 53 (3 years aga) I love her so much and miss her reassurance.

[worried1]

hi melliel

i completely understand how you feel... i have just had a borderline abnormal result from my smear and got to go back in 6 months. My mum died from cervical cancer and so did her mum so i am so worried.

i have read alot online though and tried to reassure myself that the treatments have come on so much since then (my mum died when i was 12 - i'm now 33).

when you have children though i think you worry even more about what might happen..

i am really tring to be positive and wait til my next smear in oct. i guess even if they do detect changes again i will have one of those colposcopys which may or may not show anything anyway!!! this could be sometime of "worrying" until i find anything out so i have to try and not let it take over!

x x x

[Melliel]

Hi Worried1,

Borderline is obvoisly very, very minor changes I know its hard not to worry but you should definatly try and think positively. Chances are your next smear will be normal.

My sister had her 1st smear 6mths after our mom passed away which came back abnormal she had a further test 6mths later which was again abnormal. She went on to have further tests and treatment and now has yearly smears which always come back normal.

I am very good at giving out advice but not so good at taking it.! I am still waiting on my smear test results after 2wks and 5 days. I feel as though I cannot function until I know I am o.k. My poor husband must be sick to death of reasasuring me.

It is particlarly hard when you have lost someone you love so much who you imagined would be here forever.

When I was having one of my moments my husband said something to me that I will never forget. "You are not living your life because you are so scared of dying".

This really shocked me because I know he is right but I just can't seem to put a stop to the negative thoughts, whats most sad is that there are so many other people feeling like me and it's such a waste of energy and life.

Take care, I really do believe you will be fine. :D

Mel x

[worried1]

hi mel

thanks for your lovely reply... i am feeling much better about the whole thing now.. like your husband says you can't just spend your life worrying... i go from one thing to the next with health worries and they always turn out to be nothing!!!

i spoke to the lady at my doctor's cytology department today and she was fantastic... she remembers my mum well (which is always lovely to know) and she reassured me that the treatment has come on so much since my mum died.. she said that the lab where they check the smears is fantastic and that she has every faith in them for making sure they detect anything and then treating it successfully.

Also if (like you) you need to have treatment they will monitor you and so long as you make sure you go back for your recalls (which is exactly what you have done) then you should be within a safe timescale to pick up any changes. It is those people who are too scared to go to the doctors for a smear at all who are in real danger.

You and I are doing the right thing to be so concerned about our results (although it makes us worry like mad!). Just be proud of yourself that you have always regularly gone and had them and bravely awaited the results… whatever they are you will be in safe hands but I’m sure like you said to me that you will be ok!

i just can't wait to go in october (which is not too far away i suppose) and then wait for the results. If it is normal we are going to try for another baby (if they say that its safe to do so). if it comes back borderline again we will wait and see what happens.

Hope you don’t have too long a wait for your results… How long do they think it will take til you get them? I’m sure you will be fine too.

I bet if you are anything like me you worry like mad about your kids too when they get a cold or a rash, and I worry more about my partner than he does himself if i see a new spot or bruise on him!!!

Anyway – keep in touch and let me know how you get on…

Worried1 X x x :)

[smjh87]

Hi there. I just wanted to say thank you. I have been tirelessly searching the web for reassurance regarding smear tests. I have just had my first smear test at 23 a month ago and it came back as borderline changes and that I was positive for high risk HPV and referred me for a colposcopy. I am a bit concerned they referred me straight away but I thought maybe thats because of the HPV result or maybe because it was done by bupa and they are being thorough??? I am extremely anxious and my colposcopy isn't for 3 weeks so Im going up the wall with worry. My mum died of cancer two years ago and ever since then I've been terrified of getting ill. Her cancer wasn't gynae related but it didn't show any symptoms until it was too late and she died 3 months after her diagnosis and now im scared i have cervical cancer growing inside me and cant relax. I haven't really had any irregular bleeding but have experienced some mild pelvic discomfort in recent months. I have been tested for UTI's and came back clear and had a pelvic exam from a nurse and she said things looked ok but im still paranoid. I have IBS and I'm not sure if its related to that but i just cant seem to keep myself positive about this.

Steph x

[MrsThomas76]

smjh87, if you have HPV then it is a GOOD thing that you got your smear done now rather than later, because if you Google it, sometimes HPV can actually clear up on it's own without treatment, and as for cervical cancer, yes, it's terrifying to think it's a possibility, but again, Google it and you'll see that it's almost 100% curable if found early.

I actually haven't been to the forum in over a year, but because of the notification of new posts, I decided to check it out, and now I'M worrying again!
I just need a bit of advice from you kind ladies........

In the UK, women are given a routine pap smear once every 3 years, but over here in the States, it's once per year. It's been just over a year since my last healthy smear test, and I'm wondering whether I should get another one done THIS year, or just wait until we're visiting the UK in January.

[xfilme]

Hi, just thought Id offer a few words of reassurance to you people. When the whole Jade Goody thing was going on, I had a smear and it came back borderline and it totally provoked a year of health anxiety. Six months later I had another. Borderline. Six months after that, borderline. At this point I was referred for a Colposcopy. Results came back showing I was actually CIN1 but they said they didnt feel i needed treatment and gave me another 6 months. At which point everything reverted to normal. No treatment or anything. HPV is ONLY a virus. It can take time (in my case 2 years), but your immune system is there for it to heal you without unnecessary medication or treatement in most cases. My smear tests have now gone back to the normal yearly ones. x

[Cell block H fan]

My name is Sarah and I'm 32, married but no kids yet. I've had quite a promiscuous past which I'm very, very ashamed of and deeply regret, and 18 months ago, following some fertility tests, I was told that I had a 1:200 chance of having had the chlamydia virus. I was given the appropriate antibiotics which I took, and I never gave it another thought.
The fertility tests were otherwise ok, so I assume that no long-term damage was done if I did have the virus.
But.... on Monday, I had my 3-yearly smear test done at my doctors. My last one was in November '05 and was all clear. But for some reason, this time round, my nerves are completely shattered and I have convinced myself that the smear test results will come back "abnormal".
I have been driving myself insane by reading up on cervical cancer and the HPV virus which can cause it, and I've become almost obsessed.
Reading/hearing about poor Jade Goody (who is now terminally ill with cervical cancer at just 27 yrs old) has multiplied my fear.
I seem to walk around in a daze, my mind constantly reeling with the "what if" thoughts. I look at the sky, hear the birds singing, and keep thinking, "what if this is the last time I see/hear these things?"
The worst part for me is that during my past escapades, I was in a long-term relationship and was actually cheating on my partner. We've since split and I am now married to a wonderful man whom I love dearly. But my guilt and sorrow for my mistakes overpowers me, and I've started to believe that I am going to be punished in some way... that surely I can't be allowed to "get away with it" so easily. Then I start wondering if getting cancer will be my punishment. It never ends.
It's been less than a week since my smear test, but I'm so tempted to keep ringing the doctor's surgery to ask if they have the results yet, even though deep down I know it won't be this soon.
What if I have HPV? What if I already have cervical cancer?
I am on the verge of tears 24/7, it's taking over my life and it's certainly not the first time I've been in this position, worrying about other, unrelated test results.
I have seen doctors about my anxiety and depression, I've been prescribed many different medications and seen a psychiatric nurse-come-councelor, but nothing seems to help me.
I'm at my wits end... I don't want to feel like this anymore, I'm sick of the constant fear and worry - I just want to be happy and live my life with hope instead of dread.
I just don't know what to do anymore, and to make matters worse, I now live in the USA and hubby and I can't afford health insurance, so there's no way I can afford the money to see a therapist or doctor about this problem.
Any ideas... anyone? :weep:

Well it doesn't sound like anyone here could make things any easier for you, it does sound like you need to see a professional person.
But all I will say is, I have had an abnormal result, ended up having treatment, twice. That was 17/18 years ago. I used to have yearly smears, but only need them 3 yearly now.
The last one I had last month I felt like you did. I was thinking oh god, it's been 3 yrs, a lot could have happened in that time! I guess I was missing the reassurity of yearly ones.
And the worst thing was I was told this time that the results can take 2-3 months. I was thinking oh blimey!
Well about 3 or 4 weeks after the test the letter came through the door. before I opened it I knew it was the reults, & then I thought it must be something bad to come back this quick!

It wasn't. It said all clear. And to have my next one in 3 yrs.

Oh & tbh I was never promiscuous when I was younger, I had the abnormal results after only being with 2 men.
I have been way more promiscuous in the last 10 yrs (more like 20 men!) & my results are still fine.

So I have never really bought into that promiscuity thing. I think they can say things that worry women too much myself.

xxx