haribo
07-02-09, 15:21
I have been having a little stressy day and it got me thinking why.
i have been stressing out lots since a really young age but since a young age i have had a stressful life mainly fear from my dad, he told me that he was going to kill my mum and i couldnt talk to her side of the family. then he would say "i would rather see me or my bother dead than live with my mum".
so from a young age just fear. i think that my body got used to living in a state of fear,
When the panic attacks started i didnt see him anymore so the fear was gone. then i started replacing the fear with other problems that admittadly i caused myself.
for example always choosing doomed relationships that caused me stress, missing assignments at university or leaving then till the last minute etc.
when there are no problems in my life i really stress out and start thinking crazy thoughts. I think im only truely happy when i have something to stress about. i really cant imagine a life when you dont have stress.
so i activly cause problems so that i have stress and i dont worry about dying.
i think that my natural body state is in fear so i am wondering how can i stop this self distuctive behaviour. ? what can i do to stop my self causing problems in my personal life? i suppose that i just need to enjoy life and try to replace the fear with excitement so im going to try to do something new as often as possible to stop me from destroying myself and theothers around me.
realisation only gets you so far .... whats the last step?
i read on the internet somewhere that if you get over the fear of having an attack you regain control... im not afraid anymore of the attack and i realise that my body is addicted to the adrenaline rush.
but like getting over any addiction there are relapses. but i just need to keep doing things i feel are frightening and eventually maybe i can wean myself off my addiction...
heres to hoping.
i have been stressing out lots since a really young age but since a young age i have had a stressful life mainly fear from my dad, he told me that he was going to kill my mum and i couldnt talk to her side of the family. then he would say "i would rather see me or my bother dead than live with my mum".
so from a young age just fear. i think that my body got used to living in a state of fear,
When the panic attacks started i didnt see him anymore so the fear was gone. then i started replacing the fear with other problems that admittadly i caused myself.
for example always choosing doomed relationships that caused me stress, missing assignments at university or leaving then till the last minute etc.
when there are no problems in my life i really stress out and start thinking crazy thoughts. I think im only truely happy when i have something to stress about. i really cant imagine a life when you dont have stress.
so i activly cause problems so that i have stress and i dont worry about dying.
i think that my natural body state is in fear so i am wondering how can i stop this self distuctive behaviour. ? what can i do to stop my self causing problems in my personal life? i suppose that i just need to enjoy life and try to replace the fear with excitement so im going to try to do something new as often as possible to stop me from destroying myself and theothers around me.
realisation only gets you so far .... whats the last step?
i read on the internet somewhere that if you get over the fear of having an attack you regain control... im not afraid anymore of the attack and i realise that my body is addicted to the adrenaline rush.
but like getting over any addiction there are relapses. but i just need to keep doing things i feel are frightening and eventually maybe i can wean myself off my addiction...
heres to hoping.