Please help me...

[bananas13]

Ok, I'm so desperate for help that I feel I should tell my whole story so hopefully SOMEONE can relate and reassure me that I'm going to get through this...

My name's Kaylee, I'm 19 and from the US. I went away to college in August of last year... I was absolutely fine, I had hopes and dreams, I was motivated and got good grades. I went home (2 hours away) for break at the end of November and made the stupid mistake to smoke marijuana with with my cousins. I don't know what happened, but I never left that state of paranoia! I felt so disconnected from everyone and everything and I couldn't understand why.

I went back to college 2 days later and I just couldn't pull myself together. I had never had anxiety or depression before so I had no idea what was going on! My mom called me 3 days later and I just had a meltdown... that was my first panic attack. I felt disconnected from the world and I was so scared. I didn't have any good friends in college, so I had nobody to help me. I was so panicked that I called an ambulence and went to the hospital (my mom thought that was a good idea too).

I called home because I needed my mom or dad... I was all alone. My dad drove 2 hours at 1am to be with me. I was checked into a behavioral health ward for 5 days... I was put on Prozac for 3 days and had a weird reaction so they took me off it. My dad stayed in a hotel the whole time I was in the hospital... he wanted to get me home as fast as possible, so even though I wasn't really feeling better, they sent me home to be with my family. I was perscribed 25mg of Seroquel 4 times a day.

The next week was awful... I went off the Seroquel because it made me feel weird. I started to feel a little better over Christmas time, but 2 weeks later I relapsed into full-blown depression and anxiety. I made my mom take me to the hospital again because I was afraid if I didn't get relief that I'd do something stupid to myself. I stayed in the BHW for a week this time -- the most horrible week of my life. I couldn't eat, sleep, and I just couldn't stop crying.

They put me on 100mg of Zoloft during the day and 50mg of Seroquel, 1mg of Risperdal, and 1mg of Lunesta at night. They gave me 1mg of Xanax to take every 4 hours only when I needed it. I was still on it all when I left a week later... and my doctor has now taken me off the Risperdal.

Generally, I've been doing better since I left the hospital about a month ago. I am taking a semester off college and living with my parents and I don't have a job (my therapist doesn't want me to get one yet) so I feel a bit s**tty about myself for just living at home and doing basically nothing. I'm in therapy once a week and biofeedback once a week.

It makes me really discouraged to know that I'm all TONS of meds and in all kinds of therapy and I'm still not feeling that great. It makes me think, will ANYTHING ever help me?

I have really scary thoughts... I keep thinking about my depression and anxiety which makes me MORE depressed and anxious. I feel like I'm never at peace with myself because all I want is to stop thinking about it!! I just want to forget so badly. I want to feel at peace again and be motivated to do things... I have to force myself to do simple tasks because I fear that I can't do them and I keep thinking "what's the point? does anything really matter?"

I'm anxious and scared and I just want relief. I want to stop thinking about THINKING!! I'm trapped in my mind and I just want to enjoy life again and stop worrying about being at peace. This is so horrible.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone know how I can relax myself and stop thinking about it? This is so frustrating. I can't keep relying on hospitals and meds to keep me sane... someone help me. Please? :weep:


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[gtrgrl3369]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I am glad that you have loving family to help you out throught this time. It is going to be hard, but you can do it. I have been where you are at. I spent 6 months in my room and 2 stints in the hospital for help. I have never done the meds because I fear them. I have OCD on top of the anxiety. I cried alot also and couldnt figure out why this wouldnt stop. It will. It takes time and compassion for yourself to get through this. Take one day at a time and try not to look ahead at the next day. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to sleep, then sleep. You need to take care of yourself at this time. It will get better even though it seems as though this will never end. I am doing so much better now, I go to work everyday and havent had an anxiety attack in a long while. If there is anything I can do for you let me know. Even if it is just to have someone to vent to. Take care. gtrgrl3369@yahoo.com:hugs:

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs: hi kmlittleton, i agree 100% with what the previous person said - you have to have compassion for yourself, its the only way - i have suffered what you have a few times in my life and i didnt get better until i started to realise that i couldnt be mean to myself and expect to recover - berating myself over being like this only made me worse - acceptance that this has happened and alot of positive self talk will get you through. like the previous person said - you can and will recover, but this is a rough time when you are new to all of this. i would advise you finding out as much as possible about what has happened to you and look into lots of ways to help yourself recover.

i would recommend any john kabat zinn material - you can get his stuff on amazon - he practices mindfullness which is based on buddhism and it is great to help you cope with how you are feeling and to get a better understanding of yourself. also millions of ppl have been helped by the work of claire weekes, and you can get her material from her website. hope this helps - best wishes to you, emma:flowers:

[pooh]

Hi there

Sounds to me like you had one helluva response in response to having a bad experience smoking pot. It's unfortunate that you didn't have someone around who could explain what happened and why and to help you through it although you do appear to have a tremendously supportive family.

I learned the hard way that its not the best thing to get involved in and since being stoned is an alternate state of consciousness, it can and frequently does 'freak' people out.

I'll tell you a little story...I was in my early 30s, recently seperated and had gone back to college. I was invited to a weekend away at an alternative living commune. Feeling the need to relive my youth a little, I got stoned on skunk. I swear I have never felt so out of it in my life ( please note it had been many years since I had smoked the stuff). For two weeks I couldn't move out the door. My tutors were phoning and I couldnt answer the phone, I was in hell emotionally and mentally. It was scarey but here's how I looked at it...it was an experience, a historical one now. I knew exactly what caused me to feel the way I did and I also knew that that feeling wasn't going to last.

What I'm trying to say is that you had a horrible experience it scared the hell out of you, but that is all it can be if you want it to be, an experience. If you can accept that you took a drug that altered how you felt and saw the world and didn't enjoy it, it can become easier to detach yourself from the feelings that surrounded it overwhelming as they were at the time.

I know it may appear a little brutal but you have a choice, put said experince in the past where it belongs clock it down as a bad one not to be repeated and move on. Or, continue to allow it to affect you mentally and emotionally. In my own opinion you dont need prescription drugs to get over this you just need to know and believe that you have complete control over never experiencing that again...which you do.

I wish you well in your recovery and future

take care

Pooh x

[daniel_ploss]

I can deffinatly relate to most of it and if you ever need anyone to talk to you can talk to me

PM me hun