Going out of my mind about returning to work :-(

[Hereford Al]

Hi all. I'm so crappy at the moment it is untrue - worse than I've been for months.

I've been doing pretty good since the end of November (apart from a dodgy week or so just after Christmas) and feeling OK but I am due back at work (the place where my stress/anxiety started 18 months or so ago) next Wednesday after 7 months off sick and I am so terrified it is untrue. I haven't slept or eaten properly for nearly a week and am smoking ridiculous amounts of cigarettes. I'm so scared I can't even leave the house. I'm crying most of the day and feeling so s**t about stuff and nearly called an ambulance earlier because I thought I was having a heart attack.

I thought I was ready to go back to work because the dozen or so times I've been in there since the start of December I have been OK-ish. Even though I am only going to be doing a few mornings a week to start with, I am scared out of my mind that it will go wrong like it did last time I went back in August.

My family (especially my Mum) have gotten quite p****d off by my latest turn of nerves after weeks of me seemingly being "normal" to them. I'm getting fed up of people saying "Just chill out, Al" BECAUSE I WISH I DAMN WELL COULD!

I've tried a Zopiclone sleeping tablet (left over from my last bad episode in November) last night but still struggled to sleep and could barely prize myself out of bed when I "woke" at around 11-ish this morning. Truth is that I had been sitting in my bed stewing since around 2AM with things just going round and round in my head.

I don't know what to do. I'm on 30mg Mirtazapine at the moment, and although it has helped I still get pretty bad anxiety at times. Just not as bad as it is right now. Before, I could always go out to places even if it was just the corner shop 10mins away. I don't know whether to see if they can increase it from 30mg to 45mg, or whether starting a different medication would be better.

I am so confused, because I thought I was winning this battle, but it has come back to bite me on the arse harder than ever I think. My confidence is completely gone.

[Mully]

Going back to the point where your anxiety started is a frightening challenge to face.. You have felt ok going and being there on occasion since you left sick because you were not commited to stay.. you could leave when you wanted and that takes the pressure off. Now, you have commited yourself to going back there, it all looks a whole lot different!

It seems that the place you worked at are understanding and quite accomodating, maybe you could talk to your boss and let them know that you really want to go back to work, but are still finding it difficult and that perhaps they would agree to let you go to work one morning, and if you feel that you cannot stay there the whole morning, that you can leave. This will take the pressure off you and you wont feel trapped.. you can then go and give yourself the chance to see how it goes for you there.

I understand the worry, the fear.. and it's easy for others to say ' Chill Out' .. but be brave.. you can do this... and if you go, and you feel you cannot stay.. then leave. Don't feel a failure if that happens, because you tried. It takes courage to face our demons. Sometimes we conquer them first time, other times it takes a few battles to rid ourselves of them.

At the end of the day... if you really feel you cannot go to work for even an hour, then don't. You know yourself better than anyone, be true to yourself.

Good Luck .. Huggles xx

[Hereford Al]

Thanks for the reply Mully. I think I am going to give my boss a ring on Monday morning to have a chat for a few minutes and see if I can just do an hour or two on my first day, then try a few more hours the next day and build it up.

I think it is the whole "trapped" thing that is the problem for me - You are right in that the times I have been in recently, I have been under no pressure to stay any longer than I wanted to and could leave if I felt like it. I feel like this is the last real "hurdle" I have to overcome in my battle against my nerves, and once I am back into the swing of dealing with work stuff on a daily basis, daft things like getting on a busy bus or going into crowded shops won't scare me in the slightest any more.

Thank you very much for the sound advice.
Al

[eternally optimistic]

Hi

The advice you received from Mully was excellent.

I think the key thing here is not to put any added pressure onto yourself. You sound like me, you overload yourself with stuff that might neednt happen or occur.

I wasnt off work as long as you but when I returned to work people were really understanding and helped me take it all my stride.

PLEASE PLEASE DONT WORRY it will only make you feel bad.

Getting on a busy bus etc etc, isnt daft. Its something that affects you, me and many many more people.

This hurdle, as you put it, you will overcome and if possible it will be done your own terms.

GOOD LUCK AND KEEP SMILING.

[Yvonne]

It makes me sick when people who have never suffered anxiety say "chill" or "just relax". Could hit them!!!!

Returning to work is petrifying you. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your boss. I would definitely have a word with him/her. You see if you go back into work and have to spend 8 hours feeling highly anxious it won't do you any good at all. It's adding stress to stress. What that would do is make y ou ten times more scared than you are.

If you could do an hour at first - (and I know that sounds stupid) - then this is what you have to do. One hour first day, 2 hours second day etc until you feel a bit calmer.

Make sure you have some props with you that can help - I don't know if you take any kind of tranquilising meds but if you do then have them on hand. Chewing gum, mints are always good. Tell your close colleagues that you are not 100% so that if you get really bad they will already know you are not back to your old self.

I feel for you because returning to work is a hard one. It's good that you have done odd days - congratulate yourself for that.

The whole being trapped thing is awful - make sure you KNOW you can get out if you need to.
Take care.

[Mully]

Like Jackie said, getting on a bus isn't daft or anything else that makes us feel anxious . It does feel stupid sometimes, to get all shakey and clammy at what is supposed to be soo normal.. be it getting on a bus or having a coffee with friends in a cafe or standing in the post office to get a stamp..pfft. and this in itself can get us down, because it all seems so senseless..I know myself as I have only just started to face my fear of buses. Last month for the first time in nearly 7 years I went on a bus!.. I only managed 4 stops and it was half empty, and I was not on my own, but I felt sooo pleased with myself :yesyes:.. then the next week I felt braver because I had accomplished that first run and so got on a bus for a longer journey.. and it did not go as pleasantly.. I felt sick and I was stuck at the back of the bus.. as it was full of peeps.. aaargh!.. but.. I made myself stay on for the 10 mins it took to get to the next town. I felt so ill after.. but then had to face the bus again to get home!.. I did it.. and it was better going back as i was sat at the front and just wanted to get home.

It put me off a bit.. and I know I have to make myself get on one again.. but I will take it slower this time.. and not run before I can walk!.. I accept that no matter how much I want my full independence back.. that it will take time, and that I have to be patient..Basically, to the average joe public, it seems a silly fear..but then those are the ones that don't understand.. and yes.. most of the things that get us clammy and heading for the nearest exit is irrational.. but it's real and we have to do what we can to live with it and hopefully, eventually, beat it. Anyhoo.. I digress..

I really just wanted to ask that you keep us posted on how it goes.. :).. Will be rootin for ya !

Huggles x

[Rachel_N]

I too have to go on a course in a couple of weeks and I am really getting anxious again. Was okay until Friday just gone and now all symptoms are back. I can't sleep/eat/communicate etc. I am agitated and pacing around and around. What on earth am I going to do when I get there???? I will be trapped in a room with strangers who do not understand my condition and make an idiot of myself. Having awful thoughts....

[rgb76]

Hi H.Al and Rachel N

H.Al: Do what the others advise and go back gradually and build up- I was off for 4 weeks and have just gone back and still building up to full hours so you will need to do this too- it will take time. You can do this and congratulate yourself that you have already been back and that the 'fear will go down' the longer you stick at it and stay there- easy to say but difficult-I know to do but you can, as I can do this

Rachel: I could have written that post too. Training sessions and large meetings: being trapped in a room with awful thoughts is sooooo scary but I have to tackle this fear so I aim to build up gradually-maybe you could do lots of prep. re: relaxation or postpone until you feel able to do this rather than make yourself ill over it? Hope you feel better and try not to worry too much the 'anticipatory fear' is usually worse than the event

Let us know how it goes both of you

take care

rgb

[Hereford Al]

Hi guys. Unfortunately I failed with my going back to work plan. I made myself so ill on Friday night worrying about it that I was more violently sick than I have ever been in my life. Ended up down A&E on Saturday lunchtime because I could hardly breathe.

To cut a long story short, I had the Crisis Team around to see me today because I feel not much better, and I am to be attending some day-centre analysis or something to help me get PROPER medication/therapy rather than the somewhat half arsed dealio I've been getting up until now.

I've phoned my boss up but he is on leave this week or something and left a message with his secretary, so I have just sent an e-mail to him, and then FWD that to my two closest buddies to stop the inevitable "rumour mill" that will be going round the office about me, a straightjacket and a padded cell.

Feel so disappointed that I was not strong enough to cope with this :-(

[Mully]

:bighug:


I am sorry to hear about your awful time over the weekend, my heart goes out to you and I'm sending you lots of goody vibes :hugs:

I know it's going to be easier said than done, but please please don't beat yourself up about it.. It's ok to feel disapointed, it's ok to be upset that you didn't make it this time.. Sometimes we strive so hard with this disabiltiy to try to have some kind of life with normalcy.

OK, so this time you did not make it.. but you WILL make it in the future, be kind to yourself. And look at the bright side ( well, squint at it ) you are now going to get the help you so obviously needed. This would not have happened otherwise perhaps ?..

Every year I push myself further to face my demons.. and many a time I have felt strong, couragous, and ready to fight tooth and nail!.. but I too have failed.. but I continue and sometimes I do win. Dont give up hope Al.

Lottsa Huggles xxxx

[Yvonne]

Hi mate

I knew it was going to make you awful by your first post. Sometimes no matter how strong and courageous you want to be - no matter how much you want to fight the demon back - you can't. All this nonsense about feel the fear and do it anyway is just poppycock.

You got yourself in a dreadful state and I feel sorry for you. However, as someone else said - whatever you do don't beat yourself up about it. You couldn't do it and that's that. This is an illness full stop. You wanted to do it but the illness wouldn't let you.

Please let us know how y ou get on with mental health team etc. Take care and now try to relax.

[rgb76]

Hi Al

Sorry to hear that you felt so unwell. Like Mully said you can now get the help that you would not have got, had you not been through this. Let us know how you get on and just think of this as a blip on the road to recovery. Let us know how you get on

take care

rgb

[Rachel_N]

Please don't feel you have failed. Wipe that slate clean, look at the course as a whole new beginning and start from there. Don't look back at past failures or worry about the 'rumour mill'. Take this as day one of this pesky illness and deal with it with new open eyes and ideas. Give it time and it will happen, you cannot rush it but it will work in time, we are all here for you, keep us posted on your progress, we want to support you x