Don't feel right.

[ladybird64]

Sorry in advance, mind is racing so I need to get this down.
I have been fighting off a bit of depression for a while now, doing ok but because of circumstances at home, my anxiety is high a lot of the time.
Some of you know about my daughter with special needs but there are other things going on which are contributing, I cannot write about them in case there is someone out there that recognises who I am, this is a great fear of mine.
I don't want to mention them when I go into chat because I don't want to be known as a moaner or to bring the mood down there, they are all so kind.
I won't go to the doctor about it because I don't want this on my records, definitely don't want meds (would become another thing to deal with) and I guess they would want to refer me to someone else.
Am I really backing myself into a corner? I want to get myself better, at least to function reasonably well without having to go to anybody else.
I know some of you have done this with the Claire Weekes books, I have tried them but only half-heartedly. Is it possible to recover when in a situation that is almost constantly stressful..it must be, if anyone knows or has done it please tell me how.
I know this is taking a toll on my health, I seem to have aged 10 yrs in a few months and others have mentioned that I look rough. (with friends like that..:shrug: )
I have to believe in myself, I can't rely on anyone else. All therapy is about making personal changes isn't it so perhaps I can make these changes by myself, I definitely need to do it soon because I'm exhausted. Online courses perhaps, my urgent need at the moment is to be able to calm myself and to switch off from what going on around me, to have some space for myself because I feel like I'm suffocating. Can't change the situation so need to change how I react to it.
Any help please.

[Angelai]

Hi Ladybird

I'm sorry you're feeling bad right now, you did the right thing by posting. I haven't tried any books so I can't help with that - sorry! I just wanted to pass on what my doc always says to me: Don't be so hard on yourself. I know it's easy to say, doing is a whole other matter. And I'm being a hypocrite because I still can't stop being hard on myself. Most important though, I think you really need someone to talk to/confide in - trying to cope on your own with no support from people or meds is extremely difficult.

I personally HATE feeling like I'm giving in to the anxiety and depression, but sometimes I have no choice. It 'fetches me to the ground' as an old family friend used to say :D

It's possible for us to recover (must keep telling myself that or life just wouldn't be worth living). But, and I'm saying this to myself as well, it takes time and patience. And support. For now, please don't worry about 'moaning' - vent and rant as much as you need! You can do that here without being judged or let down.

Is there any way of you getting some time out? Even just for a few hours? I used to go walking in the hills, it really helped (don't have the energy/motivation even for that now :weep:). Don't be afraid to ask for help.

:hugs:

[ladybird64]

Hi Angelai

I wanted to thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, I was feeling completely overwhelmed.
You know I never thought I was being hard on myself, although you're not the first person to have mentioned it! I have felt really bad for a few days now and was reluctant to post in case people just think I'm being stubborn..I have had very kind relies before that have advised me to go and see my GP, something I don't feel able to do.
I know I'm exhausted and I'm fairly sure that it's the stress at home that's causing it but unfortunately I just can't discuss it with anyone so I need to figure out a way to cope on my own.
I can't go out walking (although I wish I could) as I have Agoraphobia which has come back with a vengeance..I am now getting derealisation chucked in for good measure :winks:
I do feel a bit better anxiety wise today as I had a small amount of time where I wasn't surrounded by family problems, physically I feel lousy because I seem to have got a throat infection which is making me feel very spaced out and achy. It's still a better day though.
I so wish I could confide in someone but I can't take the chance..oh well.

Thanks again for caring :flowers:

[Dawning]

:hugs:

[Angelai]

Oh, Ladybird, I've got tears in my eyes now :weep:

I wish I could say something or tell you about some miracle cure. For now, small steps. As you aren't able to go out, can you get time on your own at home? A nice, hot bubble bath with some candles is a treat I try to indulge in sometimes (not easy with cats lining the side of the bath! Oh well, at least I know they want to be with me :winks:). Another thing I do is listen to relaxation/self hypnosis cds on my mp3 player - again, it can be difficult with cats jumping around! I realised that I AM able to shut out external influences, after all, I've been successfully doing that for years during panic attacks.

Another thing I do (don't know what the neighbours must think) is put on some of my favourite music and sing my heart out and/or dance around the living room. If I can't even face that, I might get on the internet and play games - word games, usually - weboggle is good http://www.wordsplay.net/ (http://www.wordsplay.net/)

Basically, anything that might distract me from myself (I'm sure you know what I mean by that) is worth a go.

Sometimes I will just sit in the window, if the sun is out, to try and feel some of those elusive rays! That may be hard for you, frustrating, to be looking out; if so, lie on the bed or sit on the floor if you're getting the sun in the room.

I know that diet can be a factor in anxiety/panic/depression etc, but it doesn't stop me living on chocolate - so I'm not going to go on about changing what you eat! The one thing I stick to though is drinking warm water. It definately helps, and gives me a little lift first thing in the morning.

Coming on here has been a real help, just knowing I'm not the only one. You can let everything out here without anyone knowing who you are, or giving you that look which says 'what is WRONG with you? Just get over it/pull yourself together! etc etc'. I hate the word can't - but I really CAN'T do these things, so I know how you feel.

Sorry for the long reply, I just want to help. I really hope you can find some time for yourself as I'm sure it will ease the pressure a bit. I know distraction and avoidance are not the long term answer but for now, I'm not strong enough to face it all. We really shouldn't feel bad for that.

lots of :hugs: and hope things improve a bit for you xx

[Blot]

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time, know that you are not alone in this situation. Are you able to confide in a close friend about the issue you have to deal with continuously? It is good to get perspective from someone who si not directly involved. Do not be harsh with yourself, you do not deserve that!

:)