jonzzz
17-02-09, 09:53
First and foremost, this is going to be an EXTREMELY long post, so be wary. I'll try to abbreviate it somewhat.
I never post anything on forums, especially ones pertaining to self-help/medical-mental problems, etc. so this is a first for me. In fact, I'm doing it mostly to vent, and to see if anyone else can remotely relate to my particular predicament...because frankly, I think I have achieved an entirely new level of anxiety/panic. I am absolutely not exaggerating about this. I just don't want anyone to think I'm being a hypochondriac.
Now, for reference sake, I am an 18 year old (as said in the topic) male, I'm 5'9 and I weigh about 135. I'm very active (well, was, before panic attacks) and I am a vegetarian (yet still get my supplements/vitamins/daily needs). I have no family history of heart disease, etc. on either side.
Also, I had never had an anxiety/panic attack in my life, up until about 3 1/2 months ago. I have never smoked cigarettes, or used any other drug besides marijuana. Now, granted, I am a slightly anxious person, as is my Dad...but it never presented a problem in the past. I first started smoking marijuana last January, and at first it was only on weekends. Maybe a bowl or so with friends. Then as the months progressed, it was during the week sometimes. During the summer I would smoke every other day, usually a 1/2 a joint or a joint a day. Some weeks I'd do less, or go without for a few days. And occasionally I'd smoke (if it was a larger group) a few bowls. Then this fall it calmed down to once or twice a week. Pretty sporadic usage overall, I'd say.
I started to notice some funny effects going on in late October. I stopped for a few days as I was a little nervous about smoking again. On November 5th (conveniently right after election day) I got up to smoke a joint...in the morning. No one else was home. My heart rate started to increase, rapidly, and I had no idea what was going on. I was terrified. Instead of calling 911, I called my Mom, she came home, and we met the ambulance half way to the hospital. They did an EKG in the ambulance and though my heart was beating at about 160 bpm, apparently everything was "normal".
I was at the hospital and eventually calmed down enough to go home. They diagnosed this as a panic attack. I then returned to the ER the next day with symptoms of what I could only described as "floaty feelings", "pectoral tightness", "palpitations", I wasn't really sure. I have never been seriously ill (or even sick really) in my life, nor have I broken anything, sprained anything, etc.
I came home yet again. From November-6th up until Christmas I was a nervous wreck. I barely got any sleep most nights, as I was terrified of dying in my sleep. We returned to the ER probably 2-3 more times. I would have constant twinges, racing heart (though not as bad as the Nov. 5th), odd pains that I didn't know how to describe but I was sure were cardiac, etc. It ruined my Thanksgiving. I couldn't even open my presents on Christmas. I cancelled on plans with friends, many many times.
I remember trying to go see "Yes Man" with a group of people Christmas Eve, just to try and see if I could make it through. I felt nervous the entire time, and felt a pretty intense pain in my chest, then darted out of there and drove home. I felt like I was going to pass out at the wheel, I was sweating, and I'm sure I broke the speed limit getting home.
During that time also, I went to see a different physician because my previous pmc stops treating patients after they turn 18, hence pediatric. Thought my previous pmc did a quick check up and said "not to worry, it was anxiety" after I described all of my issues. This new physician was a PA-C (but had worked in the ER). He sent me to the hospital to get blood tests done (checking for thyroid, a whole plethora of other things), urine sample, EKG, and chest x-ray. Everything came back fine.
However, I kept saying that though evidently I do not feel those "pains" and "sensations" during the tests, that doesn't mean they can't happen otherwise...which they did, and do. I just refused to believe that anxiety could have THAT much of a physiological connection. The mind is powerful, but I wasn't buying that I could be a contributing factor to all this suffering.
Mind you, during THAT period. It was like hell. Honestly, I was constantly in a state of peril, always terrified, and I'm not ashamed to admit it...I cried, often. I thought everything I did was going to be the "last time" I did it. I couldn't even play guitar or listen to music, or do anything enjoyable because I thought that if I started to enjoy things...something terrible is going to happen.
I was (and still am) seeing a PhD certified counselor who actually has expertise in anxiety disorders. He is doing CBT sessions with me. Honestly, I didn't see any progress being made, I don't know if I'm doing them correctly, or actually pushing myself hard enough to go out there and "face things" after the sessions...or what. And after a CBT session, a felt one of my worst pains yet before going to dinner with my parents.
Regardless of all this, after new years I attempted to smoke again, because even though it had done terrible things to my body...I still missed the "feeling" I got. I literally only took two hits with a friend. Then, I started to feel guilty about it, but not exactly panicked. However, over the course of the next few days, I felt like I had done something horrible to myself and screwed everything up, as it were. So, after arranging a meeting with my new primary care physician, I told her about everything that had happened, and she did an EKG on the spot. It was normal.
She also prescribed Paxil, starting off at 10mg. I should note that I have an array of medications, none of which I have taken. Paxil, Zoloft, Visaril, etc. The doctors prescribe them to me, but I am not an advocate of prescriptions, by any means, so I just don't take them. I had been on Zoloft before, a few years ago, I've heard multiple accounts of friends and family...medications are just not an option. Period. Even the doctors and the counselor were not really "for" them, especially for long term usage. I know that's mildly hypocritical considering I dabbled with a substance like marijuana, but I figured that since I did my research (with friends and family as bases) I thought I was good to go.
Anyway, the sensations continued, and through the end of January...things spiraled even more out of control. I started to become a victim of derealization. When it first happened, I wasn't even aware of what was going on. I remember getting out of the shower and my limbs felt almost "light", and I looked at myself in the mirror and things didn't feel right. I started to panic, and eventually calmed down. The derealization has not gone away though, seemingly no matter what I do...even when I keep busy (or try to). Sometimes it materializes itself as a dreamlike state, or I'll just notice things don't "feel" or "look" how they should. It's beyond unbearable.
If I were to keep a list of all the sensations I've had, people would probably be astounded. It has ranged from light, tingling feelings in my chest (sometimes a warmth) which may sound pleasant feeling, like butterflies, but it isn't. There have been twinges, sharp one second pains, pains that come from me taking a breath (so much so you're afraid to take another breath). There has been lightheadedness and dizziness. A feeling of "sea legs" where I think I'm on a cruise ship almost and I have to sit down immediately. A feeling of even sitting on the couch and almost acting like you have to "catch up" with your breathing by taking an extra deep breath, but you feel like you're not getting a full breath, and it takes a few tries.
I know a lot of those are anxiety provoked symptoms, but when they happen when I'm not even feeling anxious (even sub-conciously), they scare the hell out of me. So, while my new PMC has been away, I went to yet another doctor (at the same clinic) and basically rehashed everything. This was about a week and a half ago.
He said he would send me to the cardiology wing at the hospital to do a stress test.
I did the test and was nervous first getting there with a high heart rate, and even though it was up at about 180 (during the treadmill test), apparently they weren't concerned, and my blood pressure toward the end was fine. They also did the EKG during the test and that was fine as well.
I thought that would finally clear my mind. So, stupidly (I am extremely stubborn)...I thought of trying to smoke one more time. Literally a few days after the test, I took (once again) only 2 hits...immediately felt panicked, a rapid heart rate that lasted for about 2 hours to calm down. I know how that sounds, for the third time you'd think I'd learn. I obviously am overcoming a slight addiction/dependence, and I am not seeking pity for it. It's an issue. But, I really am done with it now. The second time trying it I thought was a fluke, but three times clearly shows me marijuana is never going to pair well with me.
So the next day, feeling embarrassed this time...I went up to the ER and consulted with the MD on duty. He did another EKG, and hooked my up to a monitor that was measuring my oxygen intake/heart rate, and it would intermittently do blood pressure, for about a half hour. He came in and said he "believes it isn't my heart, or physical per se". So the medical professional tally now is six (seven if you count my psychologist) saying that it is not physical (per se).
I also have undergone more "Earthy remedies" such as taking Magnesium supplements (which I read can decrease palpitations, have a calming effect, and decrease nerve tension). I've also avoided caffeine since November, and I don't really eat too many sweets (or very much junk food).
I'm still unconvinced though, after though the battery of tests I've received. Partly because of the fact that I have been doing my own sort of self-diagnoses/research online, which, every health professional says you shouldn't do. I am a product of my environment, aka a stubborn/strong-willed family. Even going on forums isn't something they vouch for. It's sort of that "new medical student thinks he/she has everything, after learning about it" sort of dilemma. I get so nervous from looking at even those (usually overly-opinionated, non-relaible) Yahoo! Answers pages concerning panic/health/marijuana etc. I have fully stopped smoking pot as of a few days ago (and I don't even know if they past two times, which total 4 hits between Nov 5. and now really count), but I feel like I could have developed a coronary disease...or set myself up for a terrible future.
I don't think I'm going to be able to get over that. If I would've known weed was this detrimental to my health (not to mention my sanity), I would have declined the offer to smoke it for the first time. It's just an terrible feeling thinking you've done something to your body, knowingly, and even more frustrating when no one finds anything (I mean, I don't want them to, but you understand), and/or writes it off as just "anxiety".
It really has come to the point where my day consists of fretting. I obviously haven't been able to go to school (I was enrolled at college), and my parents both work so I am terrified all day, and I just usually try to sleep until one of them comes home. I don't do anything with friends anymore, and I make up excuses. I feel so down and this derealization stuff is making me question my sanity. I feel like a zombie. I can't even watch a tv show or something while my parents are sleeping. I can attempt, but I can't truly relax. I also just got a new car (ironically, right before November 5th) that I haven't been able to drive. I don't really feel shameful or embarrassed mentioning any of this, because honestly...I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm losing connections with my family, my friends, myself. I barely speak, because I'm so tired of talking about this, because really it's all I talk about...you have no idea. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb, and I feel like I'm dying.
As it stands, it's 4:30 am, as I'm finishing typing this...needless to say sleep doesn't come easily. My meals also get thrown off balance because of this. I feel like I'm creating a pity parade, but this is all exactly the truth. I really don't even feel like a human being, and I'm so horrified/sad/angry/frustrated about all of this that it caused me to have a slight mental breakdown a few weeks ago. I literally woke my Mom up and had to talk with her at around 3 am, I was really losing my grip on reality.
I apologize for the rambling on, and the amount of grammatical errors that I assuredly made, albeit it is late...or early. Anyway, maybe some of you will find some of the aforementioned helpful or relatable in some way. I hope so.
I never post anything on forums, especially ones pertaining to self-help/medical-mental problems, etc. so this is a first for me. In fact, I'm doing it mostly to vent, and to see if anyone else can remotely relate to my particular predicament...because frankly, I think I have achieved an entirely new level of anxiety/panic. I am absolutely not exaggerating about this. I just don't want anyone to think I'm being a hypochondriac.
Now, for reference sake, I am an 18 year old (as said in the topic) male, I'm 5'9 and I weigh about 135. I'm very active (well, was, before panic attacks) and I am a vegetarian (yet still get my supplements/vitamins/daily needs). I have no family history of heart disease, etc. on either side.
Also, I had never had an anxiety/panic attack in my life, up until about 3 1/2 months ago. I have never smoked cigarettes, or used any other drug besides marijuana. Now, granted, I am a slightly anxious person, as is my Dad...but it never presented a problem in the past. I first started smoking marijuana last January, and at first it was only on weekends. Maybe a bowl or so with friends. Then as the months progressed, it was during the week sometimes. During the summer I would smoke every other day, usually a 1/2 a joint or a joint a day. Some weeks I'd do less, or go without for a few days. And occasionally I'd smoke (if it was a larger group) a few bowls. Then this fall it calmed down to once or twice a week. Pretty sporadic usage overall, I'd say.
I started to notice some funny effects going on in late October. I stopped for a few days as I was a little nervous about smoking again. On November 5th (conveniently right after election day) I got up to smoke a joint...in the morning. No one else was home. My heart rate started to increase, rapidly, and I had no idea what was going on. I was terrified. Instead of calling 911, I called my Mom, she came home, and we met the ambulance half way to the hospital. They did an EKG in the ambulance and though my heart was beating at about 160 bpm, apparently everything was "normal".
I was at the hospital and eventually calmed down enough to go home. They diagnosed this as a panic attack. I then returned to the ER the next day with symptoms of what I could only described as "floaty feelings", "pectoral tightness", "palpitations", I wasn't really sure. I have never been seriously ill (or even sick really) in my life, nor have I broken anything, sprained anything, etc.
I came home yet again. From November-6th up until Christmas I was a nervous wreck. I barely got any sleep most nights, as I was terrified of dying in my sleep. We returned to the ER probably 2-3 more times. I would have constant twinges, racing heart (though not as bad as the Nov. 5th), odd pains that I didn't know how to describe but I was sure were cardiac, etc. It ruined my Thanksgiving. I couldn't even open my presents on Christmas. I cancelled on plans with friends, many many times.
I remember trying to go see "Yes Man" with a group of people Christmas Eve, just to try and see if I could make it through. I felt nervous the entire time, and felt a pretty intense pain in my chest, then darted out of there and drove home. I felt like I was going to pass out at the wheel, I was sweating, and I'm sure I broke the speed limit getting home.
During that time also, I went to see a different physician because my previous pmc stops treating patients after they turn 18, hence pediatric. Thought my previous pmc did a quick check up and said "not to worry, it was anxiety" after I described all of my issues. This new physician was a PA-C (but had worked in the ER). He sent me to the hospital to get blood tests done (checking for thyroid, a whole plethora of other things), urine sample, EKG, and chest x-ray. Everything came back fine.
However, I kept saying that though evidently I do not feel those "pains" and "sensations" during the tests, that doesn't mean they can't happen otherwise...which they did, and do. I just refused to believe that anxiety could have THAT much of a physiological connection. The mind is powerful, but I wasn't buying that I could be a contributing factor to all this suffering.
Mind you, during THAT period. It was like hell. Honestly, I was constantly in a state of peril, always terrified, and I'm not ashamed to admit it...I cried, often. I thought everything I did was going to be the "last time" I did it. I couldn't even play guitar or listen to music, or do anything enjoyable because I thought that if I started to enjoy things...something terrible is going to happen.
I was (and still am) seeing a PhD certified counselor who actually has expertise in anxiety disorders. He is doing CBT sessions with me. Honestly, I didn't see any progress being made, I don't know if I'm doing them correctly, or actually pushing myself hard enough to go out there and "face things" after the sessions...or what. And after a CBT session, a felt one of my worst pains yet before going to dinner with my parents.
Regardless of all this, after new years I attempted to smoke again, because even though it had done terrible things to my body...I still missed the "feeling" I got. I literally only took two hits with a friend. Then, I started to feel guilty about it, but not exactly panicked. However, over the course of the next few days, I felt like I had done something horrible to myself and screwed everything up, as it were. So, after arranging a meeting with my new primary care physician, I told her about everything that had happened, and she did an EKG on the spot. It was normal.
She also prescribed Paxil, starting off at 10mg. I should note that I have an array of medications, none of which I have taken. Paxil, Zoloft, Visaril, etc. The doctors prescribe them to me, but I am not an advocate of prescriptions, by any means, so I just don't take them. I had been on Zoloft before, a few years ago, I've heard multiple accounts of friends and family...medications are just not an option. Period. Even the doctors and the counselor were not really "for" them, especially for long term usage. I know that's mildly hypocritical considering I dabbled with a substance like marijuana, but I figured that since I did my research (with friends and family as bases) I thought I was good to go.
Anyway, the sensations continued, and through the end of January...things spiraled even more out of control. I started to become a victim of derealization. When it first happened, I wasn't even aware of what was going on. I remember getting out of the shower and my limbs felt almost "light", and I looked at myself in the mirror and things didn't feel right. I started to panic, and eventually calmed down. The derealization has not gone away though, seemingly no matter what I do...even when I keep busy (or try to). Sometimes it materializes itself as a dreamlike state, or I'll just notice things don't "feel" or "look" how they should. It's beyond unbearable.
If I were to keep a list of all the sensations I've had, people would probably be astounded. It has ranged from light, tingling feelings in my chest (sometimes a warmth) which may sound pleasant feeling, like butterflies, but it isn't. There have been twinges, sharp one second pains, pains that come from me taking a breath (so much so you're afraid to take another breath). There has been lightheadedness and dizziness. A feeling of "sea legs" where I think I'm on a cruise ship almost and I have to sit down immediately. A feeling of even sitting on the couch and almost acting like you have to "catch up" with your breathing by taking an extra deep breath, but you feel like you're not getting a full breath, and it takes a few tries.
I know a lot of those are anxiety provoked symptoms, but when they happen when I'm not even feeling anxious (even sub-conciously), they scare the hell out of me. So, while my new PMC has been away, I went to yet another doctor (at the same clinic) and basically rehashed everything. This was about a week and a half ago.
He said he would send me to the cardiology wing at the hospital to do a stress test.
I did the test and was nervous first getting there with a high heart rate, and even though it was up at about 180 (during the treadmill test), apparently they weren't concerned, and my blood pressure toward the end was fine. They also did the EKG during the test and that was fine as well.
I thought that would finally clear my mind. So, stupidly (I am extremely stubborn)...I thought of trying to smoke one more time. Literally a few days after the test, I took (once again) only 2 hits...immediately felt panicked, a rapid heart rate that lasted for about 2 hours to calm down. I know how that sounds, for the third time you'd think I'd learn. I obviously am overcoming a slight addiction/dependence, and I am not seeking pity for it. It's an issue. But, I really am done with it now. The second time trying it I thought was a fluke, but three times clearly shows me marijuana is never going to pair well with me.
So the next day, feeling embarrassed this time...I went up to the ER and consulted with the MD on duty. He did another EKG, and hooked my up to a monitor that was measuring my oxygen intake/heart rate, and it would intermittently do blood pressure, for about a half hour. He came in and said he "believes it isn't my heart, or physical per se". So the medical professional tally now is six (seven if you count my psychologist) saying that it is not physical (per se).
I also have undergone more "Earthy remedies" such as taking Magnesium supplements (which I read can decrease palpitations, have a calming effect, and decrease nerve tension). I've also avoided caffeine since November, and I don't really eat too many sweets (or very much junk food).
I'm still unconvinced though, after though the battery of tests I've received. Partly because of the fact that I have been doing my own sort of self-diagnoses/research online, which, every health professional says you shouldn't do. I am a product of my environment, aka a stubborn/strong-willed family. Even going on forums isn't something they vouch for. It's sort of that "new medical student thinks he/she has everything, after learning about it" sort of dilemma. I get so nervous from looking at even those (usually overly-opinionated, non-relaible) Yahoo! Answers pages concerning panic/health/marijuana etc. I have fully stopped smoking pot as of a few days ago (and I don't even know if they past two times, which total 4 hits between Nov 5. and now really count), but I feel like I could have developed a coronary disease...or set myself up for a terrible future.
I don't think I'm going to be able to get over that. If I would've known weed was this detrimental to my health (not to mention my sanity), I would have declined the offer to smoke it for the first time. It's just an terrible feeling thinking you've done something to your body, knowingly, and even more frustrating when no one finds anything (I mean, I don't want them to, but you understand), and/or writes it off as just "anxiety".
It really has come to the point where my day consists of fretting. I obviously haven't been able to go to school (I was enrolled at college), and my parents both work so I am terrified all day, and I just usually try to sleep until one of them comes home. I don't do anything with friends anymore, and I make up excuses. I feel so down and this derealization stuff is making me question my sanity. I feel like a zombie. I can't even watch a tv show or something while my parents are sleeping. I can attempt, but I can't truly relax. I also just got a new car (ironically, right before November 5th) that I haven't been able to drive. I don't really feel shameful or embarrassed mentioning any of this, because honestly...I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm losing connections with my family, my friends, myself. I barely speak, because I'm so tired of talking about this, because really it's all I talk about...you have no idea. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb, and I feel like I'm dying.
As it stands, it's 4:30 am, as I'm finishing typing this...needless to say sleep doesn't come easily. My meals also get thrown off balance because of this. I feel like I'm creating a pity parade, but this is all exactly the truth. I really don't even feel like a human being, and I'm so horrified/sad/angry/frustrated about all of this that it caused me to have a slight mental breakdown a few weeks ago. I literally woke my Mom up and had to talk with her at around 3 am, I was really losing my grip on reality.
I apologize for the rambling on, and the amount of grammatical errors that I assuredly made, albeit it is late...or early. Anyway, maybe some of you will find some of the aforementioned helpful or relatable in some way. I hope so.