nikk_dolittle
17-02-09, 15:34
If i could say this to her face. I would do.
If i ever found the courage to talk to her & tell her what i really feel. I would do.
If i could ever be as confident as her && tell you where her can go. I would do.
But i can't. Because of what she did.
She broke me. Sure she was the first of a long line of bullies that started to get it to happen. She didn't stop, never.
Even when she knew how hurt i was. she abused me. Continuously. Other people bullied me. Continuously.
I can't even explain how much hurt and pain she caused me.
I was young. Carefree and happy, wanting to do my own things not what I was told I had to do.
Sorry
I could have grown to be a confident girl but no, maybe its not for me to be like others are.
If that was the case i would have told all those future bullies to actually f*ck off from the start after what she did.
But she stopped that. she stopped me doing anything right.
I can't put into words what she did to me.
Or how she made me feel.
As it hurts too much. So so much.
When i dream about how she used to abuse me, i just want to pick my 7 year old self up and run away, hide as if it hasn’t happened, why? It wont go if I do that nothing will.
Sorry
How does she sleep at night after what she did. After how she made me feel? Because i can't sleep anymore, I try my hardest but it doesn’t seem to happen.
How do you make friends and laugh. After how she broke my friendships and laughter as a result to this? I have the best friends in the world in some people. I miss my old friends that she stole and broke my friendship with.
How does she look in the mirror and admire what she see‘s? After she only made me see a disgusting mess? All i ever see is an ugly failure.
How does she talk to people and hold her head high? After i can't even talk to mine about what she did? I barely have a relationship with any of them at the moment.
Sorry
.
It was all her, and the bullies.
I blame a lot on myself.
Sure some of it might have happened anyway.
Sure i could have fought.
Sure i could have hurt her back.
But i am not like that.
I would never hurt another person intentionally.
I would never take things as far as she did.
I would never make someone feel so low.
I would never have done that to anyone not even hurt my close friends that I do have, if I say something wrong I don’t mean it at all.
Even today i wouldn't/couldn't hurt anyone.
I really hope one day she will understand exactly what she did.
And that she feel sorry.
She should be sorry. Why? she hurt me beyond belief.
Sorry
I don't want to hear those words, that Im not being believed any more.
I wont forgive. I'm not accepting appologies as i will NEVER forgive and I'll NEVER forget.
I can't forgive her, like people tell me too, I’m a fighter and I will fight this without forgiving her.
Even if i wished i could.
i'm never going to forget.
I wish i could every single day.
I just wanted to write this. Just to let it out. Im Sorry….
She threw tables and chairs into me. she kicked me. she laughed at me. All the stuff she did has really built up inside of me.
The time she tried to smash the windows in and blame it on me. What was the point in that? I knew I right from the beginning.
She knows that she has made me scared stiff to go out. I hate it now. Takes me over 30 mins just to get the motivation.
What was the point in all the **** she gave me? pushing tables into my back. Taking stuff. I;m now scared college will be the same bloody thing. That is how she made me become. Although Im safe there, I have to build the trust in the people, I don’t think I can do that.
In primary school I was such a bubbly kid. I loved being in school. Never faked being ILL i loved that place.
Sorry,
It was hell because of her and a few people. she said i got special treatment. ERR Why would she think i got that for? I was scared to go school. I hated everything about me.
This is want she has left me. Ive tried to break it down the best I can…
Flashbacks and nightmares all the time.
Paranoid.
Self-conscious.
Lack of self-esteem.
Lack of self-confidence.
Problems with physical contact and closeness, although I am a "close" person.
I find it hard to talk about anything sexual.
I "fear" people judging me.
I "fear" displeasing people
I'm worrid about speaking up incase I'm wrong/people think I'm stupid/I look stupid.
I see myself negatively.
Why, what have I done? :weep:
If i ever found the courage to talk to her & tell her what i really feel. I would do.
If i could ever be as confident as her && tell you where her can go. I would do.
But i can't. Because of what she did.
She broke me. Sure she was the first of a long line of bullies that started to get it to happen. She didn't stop, never.
Even when she knew how hurt i was. she abused me. Continuously. Other people bullied me. Continuously.
I can't even explain how much hurt and pain she caused me.
I was young. Carefree and happy, wanting to do my own things not what I was told I had to do.
Sorry
I could have grown to be a confident girl but no, maybe its not for me to be like others are.
If that was the case i would have told all those future bullies to actually f*ck off from the start after what she did.
But she stopped that. she stopped me doing anything right.
I can't put into words what she did to me.
Or how she made me feel.
As it hurts too much. So so much.
When i dream about how she used to abuse me, i just want to pick my 7 year old self up and run away, hide as if it hasn’t happened, why? It wont go if I do that nothing will.
Sorry
How does she sleep at night after what she did. After how she made me feel? Because i can't sleep anymore, I try my hardest but it doesn’t seem to happen.
How do you make friends and laugh. After how she broke my friendships and laughter as a result to this? I have the best friends in the world in some people. I miss my old friends that she stole and broke my friendship with.
How does she look in the mirror and admire what she see‘s? After she only made me see a disgusting mess? All i ever see is an ugly failure.
How does she talk to people and hold her head high? After i can't even talk to mine about what she did? I barely have a relationship with any of them at the moment.
Sorry
.
It was all her, and the bullies.
I blame a lot on myself.
Sure some of it might have happened anyway.
Sure i could have fought.
Sure i could have hurt her back.
But i am not like that.
I would never hurt another person intentionally.
I would never take things as far as she did.
I would never make someone feel so low.
I would never have done that to anyone not even hurt my close friends that I do have, if I say something wrong I don’t mean it at all.
Even today i wouldn't/couldn't hurt anyone.
I really hope one day she will understand exactly what she did.
And that she feel sorry.
She should be sorry. Why? she hurt me beyond belief.
Sorry
I don't want to hear those words, that Im not being believed any more.
I wont forgive. I'm not accepting appologies as i will NEVER forgive and I'll NEVER forget.
I can't forgive her, like people tell me too, I’m a fighter and I will fight this without forgiving her.
Even if i wished i could.
i'm never going to forget.
I wish i could every single day.
I just wanted to write this. Just to let it out. Im Sorry….
She threw tables and chairs into me. she kicked me. she laughed at me. All the stuff she did has really built up inside of me.
The time she tried to smash the windows in and blame it on me. What was the point in that? I knew I right from the beginning.
She knows that she has made me scared stiff to go out. I hate it now. Takes me over 30 mins just to get the motivation.
What was the point in all the **** she gave me? pushing tables into my back. Taking stuff. I;m now scared college will be the same bloody thing. That is how she made me become. Although Im safe there, I have to build the trust in the people, I don’t think I can do that.
In primary school I was such a bubbly kid. I loved being in school. Never faked being ILL i loved that place.
Sorry,
It was hell because of her and a few people. she said i got special treatment. ERR Why would she think i got that for? I was scared to go school. I hated everything about me.
This is want she has left me. Ive tried to break it down the best I can…
Flashbacks and nightmares all the time.
Paranoid.
Self-conscious.
Lack of self-esteem.
Lack of self-confidence.
Problems with physical contact and closeness, although I am a "close" person.
I find it hard to talk about anything sexual.
I "fear" people judging me.
I "fear" displeasing people
I'm worrid about speaking up incase I'm wrong/people think I'm stupid/I look stupid.
I see myself negatively.
Why, what have I done? :weep: