So fed up of feeling so horrible.

[cameronjcw]

I seriously feel like giving up. Ive been dealing with this depression thing for years at least I think it is I dont even know anymore.

I started on citalopram before xmas and lasted 2 months and tbh I had to get off them they were making me worse I just didnt give a s**t about anything at all.

I feel better for being off them but still feel numb about life in general. I feel like Im never going to get back to myself or anything remotely normal. Im sleeping more than ever, feel totally exhausted am still not going out. Nothing excites me anymore absolutely nothing. Im soo bloody sick of feeling like this I dont want to feel like this and I cant seem to get rid of this whole attitude/feeling/numbness/nothingness.

Nothingness pretty much sums it up. I know to everyone on the outside everything looks like normal, nobody notices anything. A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my mother about my aunt who is a bit of a psycho etc and I had mentioned to her about the fact that Ive basically had suicidal thoughts for years but I wouldnt ever do anything. I still dont think I would I dont want to just snap and lose it.

Ive seen it happen in other people, a total break from reality, not knowing where they are. Ive never felt so messed up in the head and unable to physically or mentally do anything about it.

Im teetering on the edge and I dont know how long it is before I might fall off. I cant take a break from life though because I have my daughter and other responsibilities which to be quite frank Im not even doing the best job of.

I dont want somebody coming in and taking everything over but I need help. I dont know how to get it. Im more socially phobic than Ive ever been. Im only managing to get out the house about once a month at most and thats only when Im forced to have to do something, the rest of the time Ill do anything I can to not go out.

Im in some kind of vicious cycle here which is never ending and feels totally unescapable.

I wish somebody could flick a switch on in my brain and make me work normally again. Ive even been wondering if ECT might help me although its very rarely used these days.

I know theres nothing psychologically wrong with me that a psychiatrist could fix. I know this for a fact because despite all this turmoil I know my own mind, who I am etc

I feel like theres something physically wrong with my brain thats making me unable to physically cope with anything anymore. Im sooo p****d off with myself for not being able to function, why cant I function. I know Im having a malfunction but I need a cure. :wacko::wacko::wacko::wacko::wacko::wacko::wacko:: wacko::wacko::wacko:


This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter

[Asha1979]

So sorry you are feeling this way. I completley understand what you mean by the numbness thing, I have felt this way too. I am taking citalopram and they do work for me but have you considered speaking to a psychiatrist to be assessed properly and maybe have a chat about how you are feeling because you dont need to go through this turmoil day in and day out. There is help out there. I understand you not wanting to go out. Would you consider going back to your doctor?

[Asha1979]

Also I forgot to add that although it is frightening to feel this way, the fact that you know there is nothing wrong with you medically is of comfort to you. When you have been down for so long it can seem like you will never get better but YOU CAN. you just need to make a move now and speak to somebody who can help. Maybe go back to your doctor, perhaps that medication wasnt right for you but there are others that work just as well. As I said you dont need to feel this way and there is a way out. You sound like a strong person who knows your mind and love your daughter, so do it for yourself today, make that appointment and start enjoying the life you deserve