befuddled1
27-02-09, 20:57
I don't know how to explain what feels wrong at the moment but I do feel I'd like some support.
I've got some OCD type thought-behaviours, intrusive thoughts and general over-awareness of the possibility and uncertainty of death. In fact some superstitious/OCD part of me tells me not to write this in case in admitting it I bring on something terrible. Last week, unexpectedly, after being admitted to hospital with stomach pains I had an operation (something tells me I shouldn't make any complaint, it all went well and yet I'm still a bit worried something horrible might be found). Anyway, it's stressed me out quite a lot. Having to allow self to have general anaesthetic when a big part of me was saying no. Spending over a week in the presence of other people all the time when I very much as someone who needs time completely alone. It's bought up issues and part of me says this is it - now's the time for change and to address these issues, while another part just wants to feel normal and reassured that I'm still myself.
Basically, I don't know what my main issue is at the moment but I need to express some of the bad feeling and I have no one to express it to so I hoped it might help to post here. I feel like there's stuff going on within me and I don't know whether I should try and get help to deal with it, or am I just making a fuss? Anyone would feel a bit odd after having an unexpected op, what makes me so different? But my over-awareness of death has returned and I'm trying to fight it off but I don't know if I should tell anyone or just get on and hope for the best. Is it a bit of a hopeless cause or is there, somewhere, somehow, some way of addressing this? I keep worrying there's something wrong with my heart and waking up with arms aching. I can't think ahead too far and every now and then I remember I will have a phonecall from the hospital in a couple of weeks and get worried they might have found something awful, though I think they kinda said it was highly unlikely, I think, sort of.... (yet I have trouble saying that because of OCD/superstitious type ideas creeping in, if you know what I mean......errrrrrrrrr).
Sorry, I've not explained myself very well but basically I'm struggling and I don't know if I should just put up with it until I feel better or is there some other way to address the long term issues I have (fear of death etc) and stop them from having such an impact on my life. I can't cope with some of my thoughts at the moment, or maybe I can, I don't want to make a fuss when I could be in a far worse position...argh....
I've got some OCD type thought-behaviours, intrusive thoughts and general over-awareness of the possibility and uncertainty of death. In fact some superstitious/OCD part of me tells me not to write this in case in admitting it I bring on something terrible. Last week, unexpectedly, after being admitted to hospital with stomach pains I had an operation (something tells me I shouldn't make any complaint, it all went well and yet I'm still a bit worried something horrible might be found). Anyway, it's stressed me out quite a lot. Having to allow self to have general anaesthetic when a big part of me was saying no. Spending over a week in the presence of other people all the time when I very much as someone who needs time completely alone. It's bought up issues and part of me says this is it - now's the time for change and to address these issues, while another part just wants to feel normal and reassured that I'm still myself.
Basically, I don't know what my main issue is at the moment but I need to express some of the bad feeling and I have no one to express it to so I hoped it might help to post here. I feel like there's stuff going on within me and I don't know whether I should try and get help to deal with it, or am I just making a fuss? Anyone would feel a bit odd after having an unexpected op, what makes me so different? But my over-awareness of death has returned and I'm trying to fight it off but I don't know if I should tell anyone or just get on and hope for the best. Is it a bit of a hopeless cause or is there, somewhere, somehow, some way of addressing this? I keep worrying there's something wrong with my heart and waking up with arms aching. I can't think ahead too far and every now and then I remember I will have a phonecall from the hospital in a couple of weeks and get worried they might have found something awful, though I think they kinda said it was highly unlikely, I think, sort of.... (yet I have trouble saying that because of OCD/superstitious type ideas creeping in, if you know what I mean......errrrrrrrrr).
Sorry, I've not explained myself very well but basically I'm struggling and I don't know if I should just put up with it until I feel better or is there some other way to address the long term issues I have (fear of death etc) and stop them from having such an impact on my life. I can't cope with some of my thoughts at the moment, or maybe I can, I don't want to make a fuss when I could be in a far worse position...argh....