View Full Version : Are you horrified by the fact you will one day die? Do you hide this fear?
befuddled1
01-03-09, 16:33
I have a lot of death anxiety. When it's at its worst I almost hate myself for ever having indulged in thoughts about my death, all I want is to escape from the situation but there is no way out, and all I know is that I must must must forget (when it's at its worst.) I'm sorry if this makes anyone feel bad, I really hope not.
Anyway, part of convincing myself that I don't need to worry about death comes in the form of observing that other people don't seem preoccupied with it. In fact, many seem to live their lives very much as if they are going to go on living and have an average lifespan. However, I really worry that everyone secretly knows just how awful life is, because of the fact of death, and it's just that no one talks about it. I get the feeling I'm not meant to talk about this stuff and worry that I'm breaking some great taboo if I do. So I'd really like to know what people think/feel about this:
Are we all, individually, hiding a secret and terrible knowledge of how horrible it is that we will die?
or are there actually lots of different ideas and opinions about death and some people REALLY aren't that bothered at all?
I know there are theories that say that all of human action is ultimately driven by denial of our deaths, what does anyone think about that?
I really hope I don't cause any upset with this post, and please do tell me if I have. I want to know, and will apologise.
All responses are welcome.
Thank you.
Befuddled
purplehaze
01-03-09, 19:15
The end of the day we are all going to die and there is nothing we can do about it.
And who is to say it will be horrible?
Most people dont fear death as such, what they fear is leaving loved ones behind and making sure they are ok. This thought is mostly for those of us who are young and have family.
The other thought is that there is life after death (as I believe) and having faith does take any "fear" of death away. Its something we dont talk about (death that is) and maybe we should. But dont fear it!
embrace it accept it
I agree with P'haze, insomuch as Death is inevitable, it is unavoidable and one day everone of us will face it. I'm sure not all of us would be aware of it when it happens. And many will be, like those in war torn countries and those with terminal diseases etc.
Accepting that this is part of life, and trying to live your life to it's fullest is the best we can do. However, I understand how frightening it can be for some.
There is a saying that ' To be scared of death, means to fear living' and this I find is true. To fear taking that plane ride to a new and exciting place incase it crashes and you die.. To fear going outside on a beautiful summers day for fear you will be murdered... so many wonderful experiences can be lost due this fear.
There are many who believe in life after Death, some believe in reincarnation etc..depending on religion, faith etc and this gives hope and stength to some. To believe that Death is not really the end only a begining can take some of that fear away.. I personaly don't believe in such, but that is just my opinon, but I am not more frightened or less because of it.
I too, don't particulary want to shuffle off this mortal coil just yet. There are too many things I have not done, seen and want to be able to do, people, loved ones I would miss.. etc etc.. Thought when we do go, does it really matter? Anyway, in conclusion. I think to accept that we all will expire one day and to understand that this is a natural proccess of life on this planet. That we really should try and live each day to i'ts fullest, Show everyone we love and care for, how much we really do love and care for them etc. Its how we live our lives while we are here that is important, this is what we should be thinking about.. not worrying about when it will all come to an end.
Anyhoo. thats my tuppence worth :D
ps I must add that many people do hush up about Death, I've seen quite a bit of it in my time and don't find talking about it morbid at all. Though many do sadly.
Read the book "The Lovely Bones". The book itself is kind of brutal, but the girl's personal heaven comforts me.
yes i am terrified of it. utterly mortified. i have seen it up close and it is ugly. people spend all of their lives trying to grow, become better humans, making connections and networks, learning, living, experiencing, loving, hating, living, creating families only to have it all removed in a single awful stroke of nothingless.
my 'life' is often ruined and ruled by this knowledge, having seen it up close does not allow me the same level of disbelief that i think my peers who have not witnessed it walk around with.
i've often wondered why there are ANY pursuits except the one to 'cure' death - our cells keep reproducing until we reach a certain age (early twenties?) why do they search for cures for cancer, AIDS, explore outerspace, build huge atom smashers, do ANYTHING except spend every hour of every day and every breath to cure this plague.
i believe one day (soon) people will live much longer than they do today - right now every year medical technology adds a certain amount of time to our 'average' lives every year - supposedly in the near future (within a hundred years or two?) there will come a tipping point where technology will add on more time than we're using - either through the ability to create new cells, to stop the existing ones from dying, to clone parts, whatever the means are.
and we may be some of the last idiot people to be born so fragile and short lived, it's a horrible thing to contemplate.
there's a service in michegan called alcon (or something) they cryogenically freeze you when you die - i'm seriously considering this - i don't believe in an afterlife - but knowing that there's a chance (even ONE chance in a billion) of being brought back and living an indefinite life in the future - it's worth the money (and there is no risk)
i know many will say - this is outrageous - death is part of life, and all the rest - and i agree - but for me personally i LOVE my life, and just to be alive and i can't even bear to think about being snuffed out and gone.
at the same time of this overwhelmeing fear i don't do things to prolong my own life, i eat unhealthy, don't get check ups, don't exercise, and i drink way too much - it's insane.. a mess.
but i hear you and feel for you.
Can you imagine what life would be like on this planet if nothing ever died? It would be my idea of Hell thats for sure !.. All them bugs! and so many people you could not move, no beauty left on the planet due to having to build and build, we are taking up more and more of Earth as it is. Oh and the Wars !.. If people like Hitler had never died ?..etc. etc..
I do find it odd that for someone who wants to be immortal, your not really helping yourself to extend your life, you seem to be doing the things that shorten it.
"why do they search for cures for cancer, AIDS, explore outerspace, build huge atom smashers, do ANYTHING except spend every hour of every day and every breath to cure this plague."
Because Death is not a plague... unless i'ts the plague that kills you :D
We live far longer theses days than we did 100 years ago!. Due to searches for cures for cancer, aids etc, and technology and new treatments continue to appearall the time. Perhaps one day they will find a way to stop time itself, for I feel that is the only way to stop the ageing process but i seriosly doubt it..
Mully :)
The only way people can live forever, is if people never forget them.
befuddled1
02-03-09, 09:41
i've often wondered why there are ANY pursuits except the one to 'cure' death - our cells keep reproducing until we reach a certain age (early twenties?) why do they search for cures for cancer, AIDS, explore outerspace, build huge atom smashers, do ANYTHING except spend every hour of every day and every breath to cure this plague.
and we may be some of the last idiot people to be born so fragile and short lived, it's a horrible thing to contemplate.
there's a service in michegan called alcon (or something) they cryogenically freeze you when you die - i'm seriously considering this - i don't believe in an afterlife - but knowing that there's a chance (even ONE chance in a billion) of being brought back and living an indefinite life in the future - it's worth the money (and there is no risk)
at the same time of this overwhelmeing fear i don't do things to prolong my own life, i eat unhealthy, don't get check ups, don't exercise, and i drink way too much - it's insane.. a mess.
but i hear you and feel for you.
Thanks for all your responses. I'm hoping this thread will continue to develop. I understand a lot of what you have said pi_panic and have felt the same way. However, I have now thought myself into a place where the thought of a finite or an infinite life is equally(?) terrifying. The fact that I can communicate something about it means that I am not feeling it right now. I've basically thought myself into a place where life isn't a good thing and I can feel incredibly threatened by everything, with no way out. My only solution is to not allow myself to think about these things and to hope that whatever life is, is somehow beyond my understanding (although I've thought my way out of that one too) and that there is some spiritual aspect to it I will one day discover. It's best really that I don't indulge these thoughts but they seem to keep re-emerging and I need to find some way to control them or address them. I think a beginning is to start to talk about this rather than hiding it because I feel people will think I'm silly or condemn me for it. And yet in some ways it is all I care about and sometimes I look at people and wonder (like you, pi) why do they do anything at all? I appreciate your honesty pi_panic and hope that my post does not cause you any further anxiety regarding this (I say that because I know what I'm like when feeling terrible about it.)
Thanks
Befuddled
There are very few nights when I can't sleep that I don't lie and imagine that I am dying or my son is dying. I picture the mourners and the whole funeral, the lot!
Why this is I don't know......but I will say this, I am terrified of dying!!
And I feel that this is a large contributary to my poor sleep performance.
During the daytime am fine.....but come time to go to sleep, unless sleep come quickly, then the imagination steps in.
It IS morbid, but I think fear of the unknown plays a big part too!
So I can sympathise with you completely, and all the other thousands of folk just like us, cos' we are not alone, its just that people don't like to discuss for lots of different reasons!
purplehaze
02-03-09, 10:39
It is true that if you are afraid to die you are afraid to live. If we live every moment being afraid then our life has no real meaning. Those of us who have been in the grip of the worst panic attack have felt death at our door at that moment and that feeling is horrific.
The answer lies in accepting where you go when you die. To me I dont think its truly the fear of death, I think it is not knowing where we go when we die.
My mum died in 2007 and she knew where she was going when she died. There was no fear and I mean not one trace of fear. She was not putting on a brave face, she knew and accepted.
I know how difficult it is for each of us and I myself sometimes worry but its more to do with my 9yr old son than me. We cant protect our loved ones from everything and one day I will die and he will have to deal with his loss, its all part of life.
We have turned death into the worst thing possible but in truth the worst thing is how we all live (if we can call living in fear life)
befuddled1
03-03-09, 08:53
Thanks for your comments purplehaze. I hope that one day I may be able to talk like you do about death.
Sometimes it feels like I know a terrible terrible truth about life and either no one else knows it or they do, but are wise enough not to talk about it, because they know that in sharing it, it only makes it worse. I just feel that this issue for me is going to keep on re-emerging in my life and it's horrible and I need a way to control it or address it. Maybe I need to acknowledge it with others so I can feel less like it's something I must hide. I would appreciate anyone else's comments on this.
The_Walrus
03-03-09, 22:44
I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I wonder what the point of anything is, why we should even bother trying to be happy if it is all going to end one
day. I think it's been described as an "existential crisis", there are books written about it and everything http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis
I do try to keep some perspective ... for example, if no one ever died, then it is doubtful that any of us would ever have been born. But that doesn't make it any easier to think that there is the possibility that death is the end, and all my memories, thoughts, ideas, creativity, love etc. is all just going to ... disappear
I am preoccupied with death. In June last year I sat and held my mums hand and watched her die in front of me... while at the time I did not feel fear, six months after, I suddenly realised the enormity of my own mortality. Maybe it was post traumatic stress. It is the reason I am here right now. I am petrified. My dad misses my mum so much he is not afraid of death because he wants to see her again. I am terrified because I am only 31 and afraid I will not have an opportunity to live before I die. I have no religious beliefs. Many people I know have died in the past six months. It has increased my health anxiety to the point I fear everything. Nothing can reassure me. I cannot sleep. I cannot think straight. I just want to feel human again.
It is not one of my "big" anxieties, but it is one that comes up and I deal with... as the_walrus said, it makes me think about what is worthwhile.. It makes me want to forget all my fears, hop on a plane to somewhere exotic with a one-way ticket and just drop out of the "real world" and find the "real world"...
The scariest thoughts I get about it are... and I almost don't want to post these in fear they will worsen someone elses fear.. but, others have posted... so.... The thought that... In 110 years, all new people... Same earth.. lots of the same houses, same interactions, same roads,etc.. all new people.... And the other one.. and this is strange.. but... In 100 years, people will be sitting around at McDonalds and it will be all futuristic and wierd, but to them, it will be the most normal thing ever.... ugghhg...
just go out, breath, live, take a walk in nature, that always helps me..
CB
I'm a Christian, so the idea of being "dead" doesn't creep me out nearly as much as the process of dying does. Dying will not be fun. Being told by some doctor that I'm close to dying won't be fun either. Gee, thanks for reminding me. :)
Whatever the other arguments, the fact is that once you are dead, death won't bother you.
If there is nothing after death, well, it will be the same as a dreamless sleep, and at least any suffering you might have been through in life will be over.
If there IS something after death, well then, you wasted eighty years worrying about it ;)
Didn't Einstein believe in existence after death? I read somewhere that he proved that energy cannot be destroyed, and human consciousness is a form of energy...
I can't wait for death personally. I think it will be just like dreamless sleep and at least my suffering will be finally over.
The sooner the better as far as I am concerned.
Karen
befuddled1
05-03-09, 21:03
I tried to begin to talk to my counsellor about it today. I really couldn't though. If I'm going to address it I need to be certain it is being addressed in the right way. I really don't know if I can try addressing by doing it in a one hour weekly appointment and then returning to normality. I don't know what to do about it.
eurotrashcub
05-03-09, 21:09
I think we are all scared of death, I mean it would be unnatural not to be.
As people get older, however, they tend to get more at ease with the idea. I remember my grandmother dying when she was 95 and she was so prepared for it.
However, chances are that you will live for years and years so you should forget about death and enjoy your life.
Are you receiving treatment for an anxiety disorder? Have you talked about this upsetting thoughts with your doctor?
there are lots of things that you can do to help yourself to stop this kind of obsessions.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is one of them and it's free on the NHS. You can also get yourself a CBT DIY book.
I hope this helps.
i am completely terrified by the thought of death, and with currently believing i something seriously wrong with me the thoughts of death are constantly on my mind, its not that im scared as such of dying, its the not knowing what it means and i cant bare the thought of leaving my mum etc and knowing what my family would go through.
it scares me so much, i have often spoke to my mum and brother about this, my mum feels the same, but my brother is very easy going about it and told me to think of it in the sense of that i didnt know what it was like before or while i was being born so i wont know when i die either.
xx
CBT is the ultimate answer, I agree with eurotrash, and it is indeed free... however, i have tried to get it.... but the waiting list is a year :(
I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I wonder what the point of anything is, why we should even bother trying to be happy if it is all going to end one day. I think it's been described as an "existential crisis"...
There's a magnificent quote from an episode of Angel, of all things: "If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do."
In other words, if we live in a universe where meaning doesn't exist, then we CREATE meaning with our actions.
I can't think of a better testament to human existence than doing something worthwhile, like living a happy life and making sure the people around you are happy too. You are creating something from nothing, and if there is such a thing as God, then that is one way to prove we are made in his image.
befuddled1
06-03-09, 11:15
I can't think of a better testament to human existence than doing something worthwhile, like living a happy life and making sure the people around you are happy too.
I'm not sure I quite understood the quote in a such a profound way psychopoet, but the above does make a lot of sense to me.
Thanks for all your responses. I think CBT strategies will be of use to me but am not sure it will be enough.
Does anyone know anything of any kind of psychotherapy? In particular existential therapy?
eurotrashcub
06-03-09, 16:20
I have not tried many psychotherapies apart from CBT but I think you should not think it might not be enough.
Statistically, it is the one proven to work most effectively with anxiety disorders.
It is a hands on approach that helps you to tackle things hands on.
Some other approaches can help you tounderstand how you feel but CBT helps you to change you behaviour, on top of helping you to understand why you feel teh way you feel.
I believe that understanding that I am scared of death cos my parents died when I was young is useful in a way, but what is really useful is how to learn to act in a way that does not perpetuate the anxiety cycle. That is why CBT is so useful
Start by getting yourself a book, or borrow one from your local library... you will be pleasantly surprised!
Best of luck...
ElizabethJane
06-03-09, 18:16
To befuddled: are you afraid of dying or of being dead? or both? I think that our experiences of death and dying are very important and shape our adult anxieties ie others talking about death or being allowed to attend funerals or seeing relatives and close friends die. Death can be seen as the ultimate experience of letting go and it is having the confidence to allow that to happen and of knowing what lies beyond.
befuddled1
06-03-09, 18:35
Thank you eutotrashcub and ElizabethJane
I am not afraid of dying as such EJ. I am terrified by the fact that I will one day cease to exist forever and there is nothing I can do about it.
I have just woken from a sleep, my arm felt really strained like it wanted to explode and I also keep getting a shakey feeling where it's like my head wants to shake, or my hand does. I become worried this is a horrible illness that will kill me suddenly. Uncertainty sucks. I just can't seem to stay calm and believing I will go on living at the moment. I just want someone to REALLY talk to about it. I want to do something about it now. I have three weeks free. I'm sick of it.
befuddled1
14-03-09, 12:05
Wow. Just read my last post on here and wanted to say that I am feeling amazingly different to how I was then today. Not that the fear is all gone, of course, but it is by no means consuming me as much. I am quite calm. Though, for how long, who knows.
Aren't feelings funny things?! I mean which ones am I meant to believe...
eurotrashcub
16-03-09, 11:52
The way we see things makes us feel a way or another. It is aboslutely amazing how sometimes I will be really anxious and depressed at 8am and by the time I am at work at 9am I will be perfectly fine.
One of teh things that I forgot to mention tahtw orks very well for me when any anxiety like feeling, deppressive feelings or fears come is being around people. It halps me to get distracted by the cycle of thoughts and fears that feed one another and I tend to relax. That is why having a job, or doing some voluntary work, getting involved with your community, church, studying, a hobby... ANYTHING! can be so so so helpful to make us feel better. I believe that this sort of psuchosocial interventions are as important as therapy and medication, if not more.
Ricard
It was almost a relief to read your post as I thought I was the only one I have had this fear for over 40 years. I couldnt bring myself to read all of it or the replies as I could feel the panic welling up just letting a little of this thought get into my head. Just wanted to say you are not the only one. Sorry if this is no help.
Fliss
Oh yes!......I am terrified of dying, have been for many years!
when it comes to night time, especially bedtime the more anxious I become.....
Some nights am so bad that I don't sleep at all!
Because am disabled, am not able to get out of bed on my own, so there's no chance of me getting up and having a cuppa!
I have never discussed seriously this with any of my friends, but if the subject crops up then am first to declare that am terrified of dying.
I would love not to be frightened, however, I feel thats a long way off!
Bringing in from another thread so that befuddled sees it!
I too feel I am in on this 'secret' that no-one else seems bothered by. I want to explain it to my parents, for example, who are worried about a recent nervous breakdown I suffered, but if I explain my terror in depth, I'm afraid they'll start dwelling on it, and it'll ruin their lives, too. But talking about it with fellow sufferers helps. I'm determined that it's NOT going to ruin my life! I posted the following in another thread:
"Hey, befuddled, you are not alone!
I too suffer from existential terror. I just have to try to shut it out, and think, like dear Dame Julie Andrews, about my Favourite Things.
When it does strike you, it's bloody terrifying. No-one seems to be as bothered about it as I am - I ask friends, and they don't seem to get it.
And for me it's not about the fear of dying - it's a total, terrifying bafflement about the reason for reality. What is the reason for reality? Why does everything exist? What is the purpose of the endless cycle of life and death? The idea that a seed becomes a tomato, endlessly, etc, becomes terrifyingly abstract and terrifying to me. The idea of sex is plain bizarre - pumping and grinding - the insistence of the life force endlessly making itself felt at all costs. All the usual questions... How small is infinitely small - can they spit an atom in half, then again, and again, infinitely? And what about the infinitely vast? Eternity? Etc. etc. - all stuff we've all thought about as children, but seem to be able to shrug off - well, I can't laugh it off like most people: 'Ah, we're just not meant to undertand all that stuff... now shut up, I'm watching Coronation Street'. How can they watch Coronation Street when such questions exist? The feeling of engulfing terror created by these thoughts feels enough to send me stark raving bonkers.
The questions are so abstract that it feels as though my mind is going to implode if I think about it too much, and I'm going to go insane with it. I just have to force myself to think about fun things like Cary Grant films or the comics characters I loved as a child, and the feeling passes. But it's always there lurking - and it's lurking there increasingly, these days. It is truly terrifying.
But I think forcing myself to think of something else is the only solution - because no-one else knows the answers to those questions. It's not something you can take a pill for!
Apparently Jean Paul Sartre wrote a novel about it, called Nausea, which I'm gonna get. Another person's thoughts on it would be helpful. And he did coin the term, existentialism.
Gah, it's fine! At least no-one else knows the reason for reality: we're all in the same boat! Altogether now: "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens..."
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