Confrontation and Conflict

[Claireabell]

I just wanted to share this with someone.

I have had a good couple of days with regards to my anxiety which has been great, I have been feeling really positive :)

Last night about 7ish I could hear shouting outside and went to have a look from the window, I wish I didn't. It was horrible. Serves me right for being nosy. That was some kind of arguement between a man and a women, then it just escalated out of control. Other people got involved and then some crazy guy came running out with a metal bar in his hand, then someone came out with a cricket bat. It was horrible but I just couldn't pull myself away from the window. I think it was because I was worried someone was going to get hurt or die. I could see somebody on the phone to the police so I knew they would be there soon. It seemed like ages before they came and everybody ran off.

What also makes me upset is the fact that these people had children who were watching and crying, I really feel sorry for these children. What will they be like when they grow up? How will they be affected by what they see?

When I was growing up my parents argued all the time, never violent but the arguing was bad enough. I thinks it's because of this that I do not like confrontation of any kind. I will do anything to keep the peace, even when I know someone is wrong. Then I feel frustrated with myself for not standing up for what I feel. Seeing what happened makes me feel like not wanting to go out, it sets me back. I am so nervous of people and find it hard to trust. Do other people feel the same? There is always something that happens to set you back. How do you build up a resistance to this? How do you make yourself strong?

Sorry just had to get this off my chest [Sigh...]

Please feel free to PM me if you feel the same, let me know how I can beat his fear.

Claireabell :(

[Gareth]

Hi claireabell,

I know exactly what you mean. My upbringing was like yours - my parents fought all the time, no violence, just very loud arguments. They eventually split when I was 13 and my mother attempted suicide when I was 15 and she had a nervous breakdown and depression that I witnessed close at hand.

I was always a fairly anxious and shy child, and this went on into adulthood. Nothing I ever worried about, but I knew I was easily upset. I also knew that I feared confrontation, and like you, would be too eager to please and placate people. But I was "OK", and functioned in life perfectly well. But four months ago I had a breakdown which is directly linked to the poor way in which I manage stress, and I have since learnt a lot about myself and how "not OK" I have always been.

It is through psychotherapy that I have been seeing the direct result that my upbringing has had on my personality, and the direct result my personality has had on my own recent breakdown. It is all about a sense of "inner security". I basically don't have any...! and I think this is common in anxiety sufferers. My upbringing and the delicate mental state of both of my parents produced a sense of deep insecurity in me that has manisfested itself as anxiety and depression. I have found that I rely on people, and that I am lost when my wife is away. This seems to be because I do not have an inner sense of grounding or a feeling of safety.

You are right, the people in the street you describe are doing untold damage to their children's nervous systems by doing what they are doing. Having said that, some people aren't affected by the most awful things that happen to them, so you never can tell. My belief is that these anxiety problems are a combination of nature + nurture - with nurture being the primary factor.

How to move on and not let these things affect you? I really don't know. My assumption is that we need to try to find this elusive sense of inner security and comfort and safety. It cannot come from other people, it cannot come from a bottle of pills (not in the long term anyway) - we need to find a way of providing for ourselves what our parents never provided for us - safety, unconditional love, security, total care.

How to do that? That's another story!

PM me if you want to chat some more.

be well,
Gareth



*** I think, therefore I'm anxious ***

[seh1980]

hi Claireabell,

What a horrible thing to witness!! Unfortunately, these things happen all too often and most likely then not, there are kids involved. Though you may feel the urge to do something about it, there really is nothing you can do, is there? Except feeling sorry for the kids of course. You can't let something like this set you back - you can't help so try not to think about it. Sad but that's the way it is.

Sarah :D

"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal

[kate]

Clareabell,

Have pm'd you.

Kate x

[sal]

Hi Claire

What you have experienced is horrible and it is no wonder that it has affected you, you are human and none of us should have to experience that but unfortunately there are people around that dont see what we see and carry on regardless. It is worse when children are involved although it is terrible if they are not. If you need to talk we are all here and i cant imagine how devestating this must have being for you.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".

[Claireabell]

Thank you for all your messages and pm's. I am feeling better, it's amazing what fresh air can do for you. My head is clearer now :)

Take Care

And please feel free to pm me if you ever need to chat

Claireabell x

[seh1980]

Glad you are feeling better Claireabell :D

"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal

[michelleann]

hi kate
i too feel like you i hate confrontation especially when kids are involved, my ex husband was violent towards me and use to shout at me, right in my face sometimes my kids witnessed this and use to cry and beg him to stop and afterwards i would hug them and tell them how sorry i was that they saw what had happened. after 10 years of it i did eventually leave him [it took a lot of guts as he was addicted to heroin and swore he would make my life hell and my familys if i left] my life is so different now ive been with my current partner 7 years and we have a 5 year old but i do find i avoid arguments so he doesnt witness arguments and my other 2 sons are now teenagers and i pray what they saw and heard has'nt effected them. i dont think it has i have spoke to them and they say everythings ok. but i hate violence and hate to see it i espcially feel for the kids.
love michelle xxx

[michelleann]

sorry claire i put kates name:D but my post is for everyone i suppose.
hope you are feeling better! you sound a really caring person:)
love michelle xxx