When you look back how do you feel?

[nikkinik]

Ive just been looking back through some of my pictures.. some from about 5 years ago, before I was this bad.. before I was anxious all day every day, before going out the door was a big struggle, and before I felt utterly drained..

I just looked so much younger, happier, free-er (if thats a word).. Where as in recent pictures I am greyer, my hair is thinner and not in great condition, I have dark circles and wrinkles and I look totally exhausted - which is how I feel, and even when Im smiling you can see that Im not feeling happy inside, its a forced smile I guess.

Lookin at those pictures of me with my Family and being so much happier makes me sad and I cant stop crying. I want that back but cant see that I ever will be that happy again. I just feel miserable, disappointed (with myself and my body), angry at myself for not being well, angry at my body for not doing what I want it to - is not be useless, achey and exhausted all the time..

:weep:

[Deepest Blue]

nikkinik,

I understand how you feel, totally.

I think part of it is the fact that as we get older we do become more aware of life itself, we all change and our way of thinking changes, I think we tend to care/worry more too, that's what I find anyway. Like it, it wasn't until 5 years ago where my anxiety started and it was due to my divorce that triggered it, not so much the divorce itself - horrible that it was - it's just that you start to become more aware of things that you may never thought of before or even cared about, people being one of them. I know for sure now I care about people and people's feelings a lot more than I ever did, if anything I am far too forgiving because I tend to feel other peoples pain so much easier than I ever did before.

There is a way back to get to where we once were happy and carefree. I think we have to find a balance between what's important to us, what we hold dear to us and what is good for us.

I hope you feel better soon :)
Take Care.

[nikkinik]

I know its horrible isnt it :(

Right now my fiance is away with work and wont be back till later this week.. I think thats what got me looking at the pictures.. Even just last year when he went away with work I coped, but now I feel utterly miserable, I keep crying, Im sat wearing his top.. I just miss him immensely and am hating the fact hes not here. I mean why is that!? When my son was first born I coped fine, I did plenty on my own, but now I feel Ive come to rely on my fiance and Im not entirely sure what for or even why.. I just now Im feeling lost because hes not here. I feel a right wuss!

I so want to believe I can be back where I was then, or at least close.. but its hard to believe that when so far all thats happened is things have got worse, esp health wise, I feel 50 odd, seriously.

I also wonder if the only way out of this mess now is medication, I wanted to do it on my own if you like, with the help of CBT, but I dont think Im strong enough to do it.. then theres knowing Ive tried just about every Anti depressant there is and not one has agreed with me..

I feel so low right now :(

[justbananas]

keep trying different meds if possible - sometimes it takes forever (and a lot of experimenting) to find the right one. if you feel like it will help, you don't have to stay on them forever - sometimes we just need a boost to get through particularly rough times. you are relying on your fiance because anxiety and depression sometimes is quelled (or at least managed) by those we love standing by as an emotional crutch of sorts. try your best to stand on your own two feet so you don't fall into this trap. also - if you haven't already, try to get going with an exercise routine. lifting your body will lift your spirits and make you feel closer to the person in those pictures. i understand what you are saying completely and have gone through the same thing. big hugs!

[nikkinik]

Thanks again for your replies.

I really should get going with some exercises.. I do keep thinking about it, its just so hard when Im already frightened because my legs are like jelly 99% of the time and Im petrified of making it and myself worse.. I guess that comes back to being convinced that theres something more to me being ill than just anxiety and/or the worry that the jelly legs, extreme tiredness and feeling exhausted is my body crying out for rest.

I really should give something a go I know!