charmed1
16-03-09, 22:25
I guess my conditions have always been a part of me. But it wasn’t until ten years ago after the birth of my child that they were given names and identities. I was at first just diagnosed with post natal depression, I felt crippled by the illness and in fact by life I began to recognise that I was also having panic attacks and felt very inadequate. At this stage I was just managing to leave the house to do day to day essential tasks and because of the depression I don’t think that anyone noticed this becoming less and less.
I have now been diagnosed with Depression, Agoraphobia, Social Phobia, OCD, Post Traumatic stress disorder and of course Panic attacks and Anxiety. It seems like every time I see a new health professional I get a new name for a part of my condition. I think that I have a lot of knowledge and insight into my illnesses but I don’t think that gives me any answers to them. I have tried all different treatments from meds to hypnotherapy and three years ago I decided to go it alone, I stopped my meds and I stopped seeing the Doctors and nurses. I felt the best I had felt in years I even gave up smoking!!! True, I still had trouble going out but with the help of close family members I was once again able to start taking small steps toward a ‘normal’ life.
Just before Christmas the government announced changes to the benefits I receive and I found that I had to prove that I was ill. I found this a fair way to sort out the blaggers from this rest of us, however had I known what an impact this would have on my life I’m not sure I would have bothered. I went to see my GP to get a sick note telling the benefits office of my problems (He’s not the most understanding of Mental Health at the best of times, a bit old school) he told me I would have to go back into the system, which meant assessments and appointments all over again. I have to attend weekly appointments at the clinic again which is almost impossible for me, the job centre want me there once a month and the benefit office now employ a Doctor who I also have to go see. They don’t seem to understand I can’t go out and feel uncomfortable and anxious in these situations. They traipse people in and out of my sessions , for my own benefit I’m sure, but it doesn’t feel like that mid anxiety with all the paranoia setting in. I feel like I’m back where I was ten years ago. I was doing so well and now I have fallen back down. I know I will get there again I just wish they would let me do it in my own way.
I have a loving family and a wonderful partner but I really don’t think anyone can really understand exactly how you feel. They do try so hard but when I’m trying to tell them about the fear and the worry even the pain I see that look come across their faces like they wish they could help but not entirely convinced its even real. Especially as it seems like daily there’s a new challenge, my overwhelming anger at it all now has increased and they unfortunately are right in my line of fire and now with the anxiety and panic comes a small yet significant pain in my chest.
I can understand how people think I am making it up as it seems so utterly unbelievable to me that this is how my life has ended up.
Tomorrow (18/03/2009) I was meant to meet with the Doctor from the benefits but this morning they sent me a letter cancelling!!! This is the fourth time in as many months they have done this as they have 'misplaced my files'. Yet when we asked them to change the appointment so I could have my safe person (who is full time work) with me they said that wasn't possible and if I didn't attend they would stop my benefits. They then cancelled anyway via telephone the day before!!!
It just seems so unfair (sorry to whinge) that the very people put in place to help us are in fact the ones who are hindering us and being the most ignorant!! I understand that my illnesses aren't physical there for all to see like a broken leg or arm, doesn't mean I'm in need of any less help.
Does anyone else come across these kinds of issues??
I have now been diagnosed with Depression, Agoraphobia, Social Phobia, OCD, Post Traumatic stress disorder and of course Panic attacks and Anxiety. It seems like every time I see a new health professional I get a new name for a part of my condition. I think that I have a lot of knowledge and insight into my illnesses but I don’t think that gives me any answers to them. I have tried all different treatments from meds to hypnotherapy and three years ago I decided to go it alone, I stopped my meds and I stopped seeing the Doctors and nurses. I felt the best I had felt in years I even gave up smoking!!! True, I still had trouble going out but with the help of close family members I was once again able to start taking small steps toward a ‘normal’ life.
Just before Christmas the government announced changes to the benefits I receive and I found that I had to prove that I was ill. I found this a fair way to sort out the blaggers from this rest of us, however had I known what an impact this would have on my life I’m not sure I would have bothered. I went to see my GP to get a sick note telling the benefits office of my problems (He’s not the most understanding of Mental Health at the best of times, a bit old school) he told me I would have to go back into the system, which meant assessments and appointments all over again. I have to attend weekly appointments at the clinic again which is almost impossible for me, the job centre want me there once a month and the benefit office now employ a Doctor who I also have to go see. They don’t seem to understand I can’t go out and feel uncomfortable and anxious in these situations. They traipse people in and out of my sessions , for my own benefit I’m sure, but it doesn’t feel like that mid anxiety with all the paranoia setting in. I feel like I’m back where I was ten years ago. I was doing so well and now I have fallen back down. I know I will get there again I just wish they would let me do it in my own way.
I have a loving family and a wonderful partner but I really don’t think anyone can really understand exactly how you feel. They do try so hard but when I’m trying to tell them about the fear and the worry even the pain I see that look come across their faces like they wish they could help but not entirely convinced its even real. Especially as it seems like daily there’s a new challenge, my overwhelming anger at it all now has increased and they unfortunately are right in my line of fire and now with the anxiety and panic comes a small yet significant pain in my chest.
I can understand how people think I am making it up as it seems so utterly unbelievable to me that this is how my life has ended up.
Tomorrow (18/03/2009) I was meant to meet with the Doctor from the benefits but this morning they sent me a letter cancelling!!! This is the fourth time in as many months they have done this as they have 'misplaced my files'. Yet when we asked them to change the appointment so I could have my safe person (who is full time work) with me they said that wasn't possible and if I didn't attend they would stop my benefits. They then cancelled anyway via telephone the day before!!!
It just seems so unfair (sorry to whinge) that the very people put in place to help us are in fact the ones who are hindering us and being the most ignorant!! I understand that my illnesses aren't physical there for all to see like a broken leg or arm, doesn't mean I'm in need of any less help.
Does anyone else come across these kinds of issues??