Hello

[iceagebaby]

hello I am not sure where to start with this I am a retired teacher with 2 grown up daughters and 2 grand children .
I was very ill last year and had 2 operations then I broke my foot . I now find myself back at the doctor for depression, anxiety, panic ... I have suffered these before and was prescribed anti depressants .
However last week my doctor prescribed prozac. I d never had that before
The panic attacks since i started taking them have increased dramatically . I felt suicidal on Monday so stopped taking the tablets .. I m still feeling the panic it s even worse than when i went to the doctor . I ve read other reports that people have found this to be the case .

I could not get hold of a doctor til yesterday and have now been prescribed citalopram ... I m really scared to take anything after this week .

I would be grateful for any help here .

This morning I ve been in floods of tears and i dont want my girls to know as they have been so good to me this year as have my friends .

I dare nt even leave the house now and i need to go to the chemist for prescriptions Driving is a no no as I d be a danger to everyone I see cars as great big monsters now taking over the world... It s been a dreadful week .

I have an appointment in 2 weeks to see a counsellor ... I just want to feel "normal" again
Thank you for reading this

[fillyjonk]

Hi there,

Sorry you're having such a difficult time. I know how it feels.

In my own experience of taking mediaction for panic and anxiety, it most certainly does make you feel worse in the beginning - it happened to me when I first got perscribed Seroxat. I don't know how I got through it to be honest and in hindsight wish I'd not gone down the medication route. I manage without any medication now. They also cause many side effects which most GPs will gloss over. Also, they can be very addictive. My panic attacks magnifies so intensely on medication that my fear of them went through the roof - only helping me in get stuck in a cycle of fearing the attacks more. Medication also covers up the real issues in my opinion too so I'd say if you can hang on to see the counsellor before deciding, then do.

I know you say you don't want to trouble your family with this but if they have been understanding in the past, then I would try talking to one of them before your appointment.

Take care,
Fillyjonk

[iceagebaby]

hello Fillyjonk
Thanks so much for replying . I appreciate what you ve said.I am seriously considering to weather this on my own after the experience this week .
I ve spoken to my daughter and she s been lovely I went to the chen-mist to see if the prescription was there and it was nt ... so i have nt got the pills yet so maybe i wont bother .I would hate another week like this one. I think you re right doctor s do gloss overthe sid eeffects also I was nt told that I would need to take them for a good while before i felt any benefit .
I will wait til i see the counsellor I have met her before she s a nice lady and i value her judgement I can t believe that I was once in charge of a school full of children now i m reduced to feeling like a gibbering wreck .
So many thanks again

Do you feel Ok now ?

I wish i could appreciate this lovely spring day today ...I ve been waiting all winter for the sun and now I can t be bothered with it
Dreadful feelings
Best wishes
Susie

[catsmother]

Hi

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Believe me you are not alone. I can't believe some of the work i did or responsibility i had and still have the ability to become a quivering wreck. It's just something that happens to a lot of us. Things well get better for you I promise. Glad you've joined the site. There are lovely people on here and the information is invaluable.

Take care and take it easy
Toni xx

[iceagebaby]

Hi Toni

Thanks for replying.It s a relief to know im not on my own with this dreadful thing .Although I wouldnt wish it on anyone.
I ve already found support today for which i am grateful.
Things that never bothered me are irritating beyond belief.I can not concentrate on anything for long which is so annoying Do you find that ?
I feel hostile to people who ve not done me any harm. I just want to be the confident person I was last year ... I went to Crete on my own and had a wonderful time now I find even going to the post office a trial . I managed to get a card for my mother for mother s day but it took all my strength to do it . And as i ve read others find this too.
I used to drive up to my friend s in Cumbria and think nothing of it now I just cant get behind the wheel ...I ve even been thinking i need driving lessons again .But whether ill ever drive again is not something i can contemplate now.I find traffic so threatening even dreaming about traffic now .

I do so hope this negativity will pass. I dont want to lose my sense of fun either ..that s kept me going for many years now i just dont feel like laughing much .

Television drives me crazy ............radio s ok ...
Things i loved doing dont interest me at all.
Reading etc i went swimming last week with my daughter but it was an effort .. and i could nt wait to get out of the pool.
I m scared ill get agoraphobic and not want to go any where .

But thanks so much for listening to me . This is a very helpful web site Thanks to you all
Susie

[fillyjonk]

Hi Susie,

Glad you found some support today and great that you spoke to your daughter.

I still have awful days with anxiety - like today. It was a beautiful spring day like you said and I just felt like crying and running away, not knowing how to cope with relentless feeling emotionally unwell! I'm 37 - believing I'll not make it to the end of a day (when I feel really bad) So, you are not alone. When this first started happening to me (4-6 years ago now) I didn't want to go anywhere, just just terrified of the panic. Now I get about but it's very hard. Like yourself, I have developed problems around driving - also frightening thoughts and images at the same time which is horrid. I used to be a very confident driver too so know how it can take your confidence away. I also feel terrible when walking about the town thinking a car will just plough into me as everyone seems to drive so fast and race around not caring about people in the community! - it scares me. It's like my nervous system is on hight state of alert! When I was first off work, I felt in a panic 24/7 and never slept, these days I do get restbite and sleep much better so I have made progress. I do have good days too as I'm sure you will again too.

Also, I used to travel alone a lot too - all the way across Scandinavia many times but on some days now, I too worry about going to the local shop. I'd say I no longer have full blown panic attacks, just anxiety which can last for hours with horrible physical symptoms.

Do you have any relaxation tapes/CD to listen to? I've been learning to meditate and listen to this kind of thing on my ipod which really helps calm me down sometimes. I'm also learning how to breathe properly as I know I do upper chest breathing most of the time, especially in a car. I also swim. I do understand though, there was a time I wouldn't go anywhere due to fear and it's so hard to motivate yourself if you're in the grip of panic.

It's great your family sound supportive - perhaps you can ask them to go with you to the local shop several times and then you try yourself and build up confidence that way. I used to give myself a hard time about things like this, telling myself I was stupid for being this way. I've since realised that was so unhelpful! We all need help sometimes.

You mentioned that you's been very ill then broke your foot. I wonder if the trigger for this is here somewhere and that talking to a counsellor will help you find out what is troubling you. Sometimes it really helps.

Sorry if I've rambled on too much here.
Take care,
Fillyjonk

[catsmother]

Hi Susie

In answer to your questions - yes, I find it hard to concentrate, especially on mundane things. Waste a lot of time doublechecking because my mind's been somewhere else when i done things.

Whereas I used to feel quite benevolent, i care less about people i see when i'm out and irritated when they get in my way (and i live in a friendly sort of town) and really shouldn't feel like this. Sometimes i'll see people who i know and think i can't face them now and dive into a shop.

As for driving i have a mini cooper in the garage i haven't driven since before christmas. It was my dream car for years. Can just about manage to walk quickly to Tescos and back again. As time passes i can see myself driving again, but only short distances.

I find most radio/television/sound an intrusion. I like silence.

I've just got concentration back for reading. I was reading trashy magazines and doing sudoku puzzles for a long time (because of the lack of concentration for anything that would take a long time or too much thought).

Well done for going swimming with your daughter.

Please don't worry about becoming agoraphobic just yet. When you're feeling like this, you wonder if you you're wearing it externally and it's much easier just not to go out if you don't have to. I promise you you don't look any different. Practise your breathing like Fillyjonk suggested - ie breathing in so your stomach swells up then release gently. I've not tried any relaxation cds yet but i'm sure they help.

Baby steps - congratulate yourself on the progress you do make not beat yourself up comparing youself with how you used to be. You've had 2 major operatons and a broken foot. Just caring enough to go out to buy your mother a card for mother's day is an achievement.

I think your friends and daughters might be upset if they thought you were concealing how you felt from them. Pick your moment and call/email/text to say what's happening to you.

It's a shame you're not seeing the counsellor for another 2 weeks. On the other hand, it may give you time to put your thoughts in order and see if there's any link at all to what sets you on a panic/anxiety route.

I've no thoughts either way about anti-depressants. Think if you can manage without that's great. However some of us need a serotonin uplift to kickstart us. It all depends upon how YOU feel.

Remember - baby steps and take care

Toni

[iceagebaby]

Hi Fillyjonk and Toni

It s amazing I can so identify with what you are saying .
Thank you for replying again .
i have had depressive episodes in the past and got over them ... when my marriage broke up , failed relationships ... I dont do very well with relationships with men ... Not sure why tho my daugher days im attracted to unstable men :) which is possibly true . I m quite an ordinary person really so maybe I m attracted to the unusual .anyway I met a guy 6 years ago and had a sort of relationship with him but he passed away in 2005. I did grieve for him and have tried to move on ... It seems every time things start going ok something else comes up to test me.
It s been a roller coaster which life is for many people I know .But this time i dont seem able to see a way out ... Im pushing my self this morning to do some washing It s a lovely day and I want it to rain how weird is that ???

Toni it s interesting to read what you say about your car ... I got my car back about 3 weeks ago after breaking my foot my daughter had been using it ...I ve driven a little but only on early sunday morning . And now after taking the prozac ...I can t even do that .

Little steps is right ..I ve been limping for months .
What s getting to me more is the way Im irritated by even stupid things ...a fly landed on me inthe garden and I flipped .I can t understand it
I think the problem is I dont like myself too much at the moment Im annoying myself .
It s good that I have this outlet to vent my feelings
My eldest daughter has been lovely we are very close She s had her ups and downs and has just returned to work after her second baby .
So I dont want to bother her too much .
My grand children are delightful but i find myself worrying what the world will be like for them in the future . I remember my granny saying this when my cousin was born when i was 16... I wondered what she meant Now I know .

My mother is an inspiration she is a stoic still at 85... Im more like my father as is my sister ...

there is a part of me though that will not surrender Im waiting for it to take over .

I hope you both have a reasonable week end ... you re very nice people who care . It s lovely to know there are people like you around

Thanks again Susie

Ps I will try the breathing and relaxation stuff .. I have tried meditation before It can help.

[kittykat]

Hi there and :welcome: to the site, a lot of good advice and support on here, the chatroom is also very good , take care xx

[sunshine-lady]

Hi and welcome to NMP

So pleased that you have found us. I am sure you will like it here as there is so much help, information and support. There is a chat room which is a great place to make new friends

Take care xxx

[iceagebaby]

Thanks for your welcome everyone

Im hoping that I can get over this crisis that Im in at the moment ...
things that never used to bother me are really irritating me and i can t cope with that Is it normal to feel like this ?
I ve had depressive episodes before but nothing as bad as this one .

I just can t be bothered with any thing at the moment ..

ill try the chat room
Thanks for that .

best wishes
susie

[fillyjonk]

Hi Susie,

Just wondering how you are doing? I'm not sure if it's ok to keep replying in the 'introduce yourself' threads - I'm new to this too! I suppose it is OK, if not, perhaps someone reading this can tell me!

How was your weekend, how are you feeling? I had a very busy weekend, a good weekend really, except how I felt driving by myself and in the supermarket:weep: ! I've got so used to feeling awful in the car, I just expect it and dread any journey. I don't know how to get our of this cycle - I used to enjoy driving.

Now busy trying to work but I did just wonder how things are are with you today?

I was thinking on the same lines as Toni re: asking your family for support and not worrying about troubling them. If I new someone wanted to ask me for help but didn't, I'd be so upset!

Also, remember, you are very lucky to have anyone in your family that will listen. When I was at my worst, years ago, when I first told my sister I was off work with 'nervous exhaustion' she stopped speaking - literally. There was an uncomfortable silence for a few seconds, then she asked me what the weather was doing! She's never ased me how I am since and the rest of my family have treated me the same!! They brush it all under the carpet. My partner is very supportive though but one of the hardest things I've found is that friends and family have dropped me like a hot potato and pretend there is no problem and it really hurts. I don't talk to any of them about my problems as I know they really don't understand. Yet, if I broke my leg, they'd be straight round with grapes! I know it is their problem, they don't know what to say etc but there seems to be a bit of a stigma attached to these problems which is a real shame. Why are people scared of emotions?!!

Enough of my rambling and back to work!

Take care,
Fillyjonk

[lenore]

Hi and welcome! I have had a similar experience to you with medications, although it took me 12 years to realise that Prozac made my anxiety worse! I've just started taking Citalopram, and I feel better than I have done in a long time.

I hope you find loads of support here, as I have xx

[iceagebaby]

hello Lenore

I m shocked that you were on prozac for so long How awful if it was nt helping . It sent me crazy I ve not got over it yet .
I ve just started taking citalopram Im hoping i dont have any bad side effects ... I know they take a while to start working .
Thanks for your message I really appreciate it .

I ve always been a carer i taught for 30 years and brought up 2 children on my own Now it s time to care for me .It s so hard .

Best wishes
susie x