working yourself into a frenzy

[redballoons]

hi
I had a baby 6 weeks ago and before she was born I was in hospital for just over a week. while I was there the change of environment and enforced change of pace made me realise a few things about my behaviour and the anxiety and depression I have had problems with for about 3 years now.

In the morning I wake up and its just "whats next whats next" always thinking of ways to occupy my time each minute has to be full of something and it has to be something to keep my mind completely occupied it cant be something even like watching tv or a film because then my mind wanders. If i watch tv i have to be doing something else at the same time like on the laptop or doing a bit of crochet or whatever.

In the hospital it is impossible to occupy every minute as soon as i stop "doing" i start thinking and I keep going over things in my head over and over just little thing that have happened in the past, people dying, being made homeless at 17 and all of the things that came with it. I just cant stop thinking about things, my mind works itself up completely out of control and i get into a major panic. One night in the hospital i got so paniced that i set the alarms off on the monitor i was on as my heart was going so fast it was pushing my babys heart up so high the next thign I know doctors everywhere wondering whats wrong with me giving me drugs to calm my blood pressure and all that was wrong was that I had worked myself into a completer frenzy thinking about things because i hadnt had enough to keep me occupied.

I have tried to explain to my doctor in the past about the thinking part of the problem, but its hard. Now I am married with three kids a house a loving marraige no financial problems etc etc and I think he just thinks that I am being spoiled or something in being anxious about things. he told me " what have you got to worry about!". but it hasnt always been like this and I have done things in the past i am not proud of and that I could never tell anyone who knew me in real life.

I know now what the problem is - thinking. if i could stop thinking about these things I could stop panicing so much and in turn actually enjoy life rather than spend 24 hours a day keeping myself occupied. I just dont know how to do that.

If i go to my doctor they just say " what can we do to help?" and I really dont know.

does anyone else feel like this? is it just me?
I am only 25 and i just want to relax and enjoy my life like I see other people doing!.

sophie

[maddie]

My brain races and I use all sorts of distraction techniques to avoid dealing with past issues. If you don't feel ready to talk to anyone yet, perhaps you could try writing it all down. This often helps to get stuff out and make you realise that it isn't as bad as you feel. After all, you can't be that bad to have a lovely family and home now! Try to be as honest as you can and not exaggerate it as you write. Also consider how others involved reacted. Did what happened seem a big issue to them? Your perspective on it all might change as you write. Good luck!