View Full Version : Hello everyone :)
Hello everyone, pleased to meet you all :)
I'm Vicky, I'm 18, and I have had panic attacks and agoraphobia since I was 12 years old.
I was bullied in school which set off the panic attacks, and I soon stopped being able to go. The early months of my panic attacks nobody knew what was happening. I was told by the school nurse it was happening because I wasn't eating enough (this was true, I hardly ate anything for about 2 years, I was just too anxious all the time)
and it got into my head that I must be ill. I became terribly afraid of fainting and being sick.
I spent 2 years never leaving the house, and then after that only rarely and only to very nearby places. I was constantly anxious, and depressed, feeling a burden to my family, and wishing I just hadn't existed.
Now I can get about quite a lot, I don't like going anywhere on my own, and cannot be dropped off anywhere. My mum or dad, goes with me.
I have had quite a full range of symptoms over the years--from feelings of nausea whenever I went anywhere, to dizzy weakness (I was convinced that was because I was fainting away from not eating--it wasn't--it took me ages to face up to that one by staying in the scary situation til the dizzyness subsided)
I hate the heat too, the heatwave we had in the summer made me feel trapped and stifled, and I had a panic attack which lasted 2 hours, my longest ever. Usually mine are over in a few minutes.
I also suffer a little from the unreal feeling sometimes, I tackled that by taking photographs of my beloved pets with me to look at, and remind me who I was. I used an elastic band to 'ping' myself with too, and bring me back to earth.
I get chest pains, and tummy upsets when I am feeling anxious. At the moment I get a problem where my chest is so tight, I tense the muscles and its hard to breathe, I have to fight to get air into my lungs. This lasted a week once.
At the moment I am doing pretty well, although it goes up and down. I am growing much less anxious. I am getting driving lessons soon, and having a car will make a big difference to my life.
Two days ago I faced up to a big fear. I went to visit my gran who is 1.5 hours drive away. I get very scared on motorways, and that is a long journey for me. I don't like going too far. I also hadn't been to her new home, and unknown places scare me too. But I did it, and I didn't panic, although I came close once!
I'm looking forward to posting with all of you, and making some new friends!
Take Care,
Vicky
Hiya Vicky
Welcome. Good to have you here.
Everything you say sounds so familiar to me but you sound like you are making real good progress. Well done for the trip to see your Gran, big step huh? good for you for braving it and suceeding!!!
Sarah
xx
hi vicky,
welcome to this lovely little haven :),theres some great people on this site,who will always be here for you,to listen to you,and to give you support,and some good advice.
read as much as you can,and you will often read about others,who have suffered as you...we believe positive thoughts,and little steps is the way forward..the success rate here is remarkable.
we also like to have some fun,so look at the humour topic,when you have the time...ive got a daughter your age,so i want to see some real progress from you,over the next few months :)
with a new year on its way,its a great time for you to find this site,keep posting,speak soon..bryan.
Hi Sarah and Bryan :)
Thanks for the replies and encouragement! I am really looking forward to this new year, and my next 'big goal' so to speak is going to be The Return Of The King at the cinema.
I went to see The Two Towers last year, and that was the first time I'd been in a cinema for about 8 years. I was very panicky, and I nearly left about 50 times! LOL. But I did see the whole thing. Its a little friendly cinema, and there were about 4 other people there for the film. The ticket lady offered to keep the door open so I had a little bit of light, so I didn't feel so trapped in. That really helped.
I'll let you know how I get on with this one!
Happy Christmas!
Vicky xxx
welcome ,vicky.like sarah says we can all identify with what you are going through ,so dont feel aone because you,re not .i,m sure you,ll find this site really helpful.join us in the chatroom sometime it will be really good to meet you .take care .stephen
Thanks Stephen,
What times are people mostly in the chatroom? I popped in once or twice but there was just me!
Vicky
Hiya Vicky
Usually at around 8.30pm to 9pm people start to come in the chatroom.
Sarah
xx
Dear Vicky
I hope you find this site as useful as we all do!
There is a lot of great advice, support, friendship and understanding on this site.
But most of all, the best thing about this site is that we are all fellow sufferers! So this forum is one place where you can feel totally normal, and nobody will laugh or pick on you here, no matter what your symptoms are.
I too suffer from a feeling of detachment, and a "dodgy tummy". I always find Xmas stressful, and this year has been no exception. For the last two weeks, my tummy has been "funny".
However, this site has given me the power to challenge my mind and body, and try and take control. It's not easy, and I find most days at the minute a bit of a struggle, but I'm definitely improving! Despite having a dodgy tum yesterday, I still went shopping to the sales, out for tea, then up town clubbing. I can't say I felt great about it - but it was a definite improvement, from a few years ago, when I would have just sat about at home and not gone out!
The really good thing about this site is that we are all, or have been, sufferers, so you really can feel totally at ease asking questions, and knowing that the advice is based on what people have really used, and finds to work.
I hope that you soon start to feel a bit better about joining our "family", and that you get lots of useful help from it
Charlie
Hi Vicky
It sounds to me as if you're doing great, and have been through the mill in the past! You're proof that despite panic and anxiety, life not only goes on, but can be fuller and character building because of what you've gone through. I've found this to be the case. Yes, we all have setbacks and become frustrated and angry with ourselves, but over the years you become more accepting of it all and may even start giving yourself credit for what you've achieved in the face of this adversity. As Charlie says above, it can be a struggle and we'd all rather not have to go through it, but given what we've got, what's the alternative? Let it dominate and diminish our lives? I don't think you're that type of person by the sound of it, so keep going and you will get through. Hope you enjoyed the film.
Jim
Hi everyone!
Thanks so much for the encoragement and welcome!
I haven't been to see the film yet, I am working up some courage. (I'll keep you posted on that!!) I think I will wait like I did last year, til everybody has seen it, and the cinema is nearly empty. That way crowds will be one less thing to worry about.
Hi Charlie! I read on some of your other posts about how you love horses! Me too! But I haven't been riding since all this with the panic attacks started. I do really miss it, and maybe one day I'll go back. I think I am afraid to panic while on a horse, I know they sense fear, and I don't want him to bolt!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can I add a bit more info about myself? Although I am lots better than I was, I am still struggling a lot with my agoraphobia, which is why I wanted to join this board, for a bit of support from people who understand, because I have decided to fight this thing once and for all. ( after so many years of just hiding and pretending it was going to go away on its own, when all that was happening was it got worse.)
I am by no means 'over it' just yet. I didn't know how to write my intro without opening the floodgates, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell absolutely everything to strangers. But now I do feel really welcome, and I'd like to tell you more if that's OK.
I have really struggled in the past. I was refered to the child mental health service, who couldn't see me for 2 years, so I just hung around getting worse til I finally stopped going out of the house, and they agreed to see me. One woman I saw for 4 years, she told me to 'buck up my ideas' and stop causing so much trouble for my parents. She tried to get me to take Beta Blockers, and gave me no advice on how to cope with a panic attack. She was not a CBT therapist. At this time I was so anxious I hardly slept, hardly ate, and felt like I would not care if i just didn't wake up one morning.
I went through life worrying about what would happen next. My family have got a lot, lot more understanding since then. Now they are brilliant. Then, they used not to understand (who can blame them? No one told them -or me- what was going on!)
My main problem was that in the beginning, when i had no idea what was happenning to me, the school nurse told me I was having fainting fits through not eating. In the last few weeks of school before I had the breakdown and couldn't go out anymore, I would worry all night about school next day, be so anxious and nauseous i would not be able to eat any breakfast, and then by lunchtime I would be so anxious about not being able to eat anything I would have a panic attack, convinced I would faint. The nurse would make me lie down, when all I wanted was to go home. It took ages to convince her to ring my mum, and each day for the last week the pattern was the same. It got harder and harder to convince her how bad i felt, and i felt trapped in school by people who had no idea how bad I felt. I was also bullied, so I felt totally lost there, with nowhere to escape to inside of the school.
I just bumped along any old how for the next few years, not getting better, the therapy was a joke in my opinion. The woman made me feel worse, like a total humiliated failure when I came out of the clinic. My parents tried meeting with her and getting her to do something helpful, but she just never really said anything other than I wasn't trying hard enough. (How could I? I was terrified, and bullying is no way to help!)
I was constantly afraid of the weak dizzyness which I felt all of the time. i was convinced it was some illness I had, and the doctor offerred blood tests. I won't go anywhere near a needle!!
It took 2 years to realise that dizzy feeling was the panic attacks and anxiety and nothing sinister. I got no reassurrance about it from the therapist, which is what I needed. I had to decide that all on my own, and it took me two years. I am angry at her for that. She had no idea how to help me, but instead of referring me on to someone who could, she kep
Hey Vicky,
Thanks for sharing...
Good for getting yourself into CBT- sorry you had such a rough ride initially but you're on the right road now so stick with it and don't dwell on what happened previously. Yes - it didn't help but now is today and you do know what to do to improve...
The secret is consistancy and repetition so I can understand about good days followed by a break then a revival of the fear.
Couple of things spring to mind - Vit B complex and use the search facility to review all the posts on hypoglycaemia. It's vital you eat regularly.
Also start a journal to just write in , write whatever springs to mind initially and soon it finds its own routine nad it's a brilliant way of tracking your progress and brill to refer back to in difficult days so you can read in your own writing or typing just how well you've been doing and how far you've come..
How do you spend your days Vicky?
Well done on getting to see your Gran ...Good one
What are cavies ?? send Nic a pic of you with them and she'll upload it . I'm intrigued ..
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Hi Meg
I have written journals through all of this, it really does help to record things, you have proof of how well you are doing compared to a year ago, or even a month ago.
I eat just fine now. I am no longer afriad of all that stuff the nurse told me. I am even able to eat with everyone else at the table, when in the beginning, I would have to eat on my own or I got too nervous. Christmas this year was the best for absolutely years, we had friends over, and even with extra people at the table I was fine! No anxiety all day!
I don't do very much with my time I admit. I am in all day except when my mum or dad takes me out. That's not always every day. I am doing my A level Art, which I am mostly doing at home, but I go in to school every week or so (actually haven't been in weeks recently, that was bad) School is still the major fear for me. I will be leaving in September so I shall be glad to be shot of it. The way I attend lessons is that my mum or dad will take me, and bring some work to do, and sit in the car in the school carpark while I go to the lesson. I can't stand being dropped off there. I have tried for years, but its just not going to happen, I have written off getting over my fear of school, but since I only have 6 months left, its not a problem. I am going to get my A level Art, and then kiss it goodbye!
I spend most of my time just sitting around at home. Bad, I know, but I am even worse at going for walks than going out in the car. Walking distances is worse than driving them for me. And my parents work, and i don't go out alone, so in the day I just don't go out for walks.
I spend a lot of time looking after my Cavies. (Cavies are guinea pigs, only people who keep them call them cavies, its their proper name. No one realises what fabulous pets they are, mine are all really friendly and funny!) They know me pretty well at the vets now, I've had all sorts of dramas with them, including two caesarians!! Both mothers survived, but only one baby each survived. I would love to show a picture of my babies.
Vicky
I'm sure you know through your CBT what you could be doing to help yourself each day. The speed of your recovery is a direct reflection of the effort you put in .
We're here for you if you need any extra support.
Do send Nic a photo of your guinea pigs with you and she'll add it to the photo section .
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
nomorepanic
30-12-03, 18:47
Hi Vicky
Welcome to the site. I have not posted for a few days over Xmas so I am just catching up on who is new and how they are doing.
Thanks for taking the time to share your story with us.
You say that you don't do much in the day and will be glad when you finish school in 6 months. Do you know what you are going to do then?
If you want to email me a pic of you and the guinea pigs then send it to nomorepanic@btinternet.com and I will post it on the pictures page which is at www.nomorepanic.co.uk/pictures.htm
I hope you are feeling better and I am pleased to hear that No Panic have helped you in the recovery.
Sorry it is so short and sweet but I have a lot of replies to catch up on and will chat more soon.
Nicola
Prettyface110
31-12-03, 14:48
Hi Vicky,
I have read your story and it brought back a lot of familiar memories for me. I have had panic, anxiety and agoraphobia since I was 15 and suffered quite a bit in school. I was pleased to read you are doing A-level Art. I'm an artist now after gaining my Masters degree in Fine Art last September, I never would have thought I could make it through University when I was in school and going through similar circumstances to you. It just goes to show that you can achieve anything if you really want it badly enough and we can all have a bright and productive future if we have the right help and support. Keep up the good work!
much luv,
Prettyface110
Good to meet you Vicky :)
School bullies have a lot to answer for - don't they.
They have no idea that the misery they cause you as a child can last well in to adulthood.:(
Take care of yourself
Bright Blessings
Liz xxx
Hi Nicola, Prettyface and Liz! Nice to meet you!
I went to a housewarming party the other day, it was great fun, and although I meant to only stay 20 minutes because I was so nervous (there were some people I didn't know! eek!) I ended up staying over two hours!! I had a lot of fun and I didn't panic!
I'm going to visit some family on Sunday as well, another motorway trip (ooh I hate the motorway) but its not too far, so I should be OK. I'm not too nervous about it (yet) and I'm looking forward to seeing their new baby, who is 6 weeks old!
Happy new year everyone!
nomorepanic
03-01-04, 23:00
Nice one Vicky
Well done to you and you enjoyed it which is even better!
I hope Sunday goes ok - let us know
Nicola
Rennie1989
04-01-04, 17:38
Iv been bullied at school about my prop. Its horrible when they startedpretending to struggle to breath
Jade
Oh Jade! That's terrible! How can they, they obviously have no idea how it feels to have a panic attack. Can you print off some info about them to show to some of your friends, so at least your friends know how you are feeling? I'm really sorry you're having a hard time.
Hi Nicola,
Yesterday went pretty well, the journey was fine, about an hour, and I wasn't panicky when I was there. I had a few anxious moments, but overall I had a good time.
hi jade,
that is unforgivable,if it had happened to my daughter,then all hell would have broken loose.
if it occurs again,either speak to your parents about it,or your head teacher..this needs to be stopped straight away...keep us posted....bryan.
Well done Vicky , keep up the challenges.
Meg
Dear Vicky
Glad you are taking time out to understand and tackle your condition. I too started suffering when I was about 12, but just thought I was mad. I was only diagnosed with GAD and Panic Attacks a few years ago, and have only just (March 2003) started CBT. All those wasted years ........
Anyway, what I was going to say was book yourself in the your local riding school. I never stopped riding, and in fact I think travelling around the country competing helped to keep things under control. It was only after I stopped doing things that I have progressively got worse. Some of my best memories ever are of horsey things - competing side-saddle at the Royal Show, meeting Princess Anne, qualifying for the National Championships.
I have been out riding and had several panic attacks, and it has never affected the horses that I have been on. In fact at one point I found that I was less likely to panic with the horses than anywhere else. I think it's because you have to concentrate both mentally and physically, that you don't give yourself time to worry. I don't think they recognise the irrational stomach churning fear that we associate with panic, just rational fear, like when faced with a fence, or a nasty dog.
If you are in any doubt though, why not go to a centre with an indoor school and book a lunge lesson. Then you can just concentrate on you, and not worry about anything else!
It might do you good to set a goal and achieve something that you enjoy doing. Just book a half hour lunge lesson. And most lunge horses tend to be of the hairy teddy variety, and too lazy to bolt.
I have set myself a goal of going to the gym twice a week, and I have achieved it, but I can't say I enjoy it very much really! So a goal to do something you enjoy has got to be more of an incentive.
How many guinea pigs do you have? We were going to have one, but we had to look after Boris the nursery school guinea pig over the Xmas holidays one year, and when we let him out for a run, he chewed through the bottom of the bookcase. (It was cold outside, and the school kept him in during the winter, so he was living in our conservatory! We don't have bookcases in the garden. Obviously)
I hope you had a good new year
Love
Charlie
Hi Charlie :)
Its encouraging to know horses don't freak out if their rider has a panic attack, that was one of the main reasons I haven't been riding in so long.
I think I might book a quiet half hour lesson in an indoor school, and i might go back to the stables that I was at before. I know the horses, which is a good thing. Its a bit scarier getting on a horse you don't know.
Thanks!
I have 20 piggies. I don't breed them, they are all pets, and some are unwanted rescue cases. I have 7 boars and 13 sows, and they live in groups in my caviary, which is a wooden shed, with big cages that my dad built.
They all have little personalities of their own, and are the most fun. I love them just as much as horses. My piggies were a godsend for me when I was at my most unhappy with agoraphobia. Without them I wouldn't have had a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and they gave me something to fill my time with and take my mind off things.
That is the thing with piggies--they like to chomp on things! I have a mum and baby in my bedroom at the moment, Geisha (mum) had a caesarian, and Panda (baby) is still too little to go back outside while the weather is still cold. They are both fully recovered, and get up to all sorts of mischeif during floor time!
There's loads to learn about piggies, just as much as there is to know about horses!
For some pics of some of my pigs, here is a link to an album. http://groups.msn.com/GiannasPiggies/craftyspiggies.msnw?Page=1
Well done Vicky! and Jade, I'm sorry you are suffering at school at the moment. Bryan is right, if it happens again you must have a quiet word with someone.
Hi Vicky
How is it going?
How are the piggies? Loved the photos!
And have you booked that lesson yet?
Charlie
Hi Charlie! Glad you like my babies:) They are all very well thanks, but they are wishing it was warmer. They can't go out on the grass til its spring.
I haven't booked a lesson yet, I'm still thinking on it. That's the thing about me, I have to think about things for ages! Also I think it will have to wait til I've finished my A level exam. I've got heaps still to do for it!
Vicky
Vicky
Why not make a decision now to treat yourself to a lesson when you have taken your exam, as a reward for your hard work!
I sometimes find things are easier if i have a definite date in mind!
Good luck with the exam
Charlie
hi everyone! Sorry I haven't been round much, I have been sooo busy with my artwork!
Just wanted to drop by and say hi, and to let you know that I went yesterday to see ROTK! It was fantastic, and was well worth going to see.
It was hard--one of the hardest things I've ever done-- I couldn't stop shaking and my heart was thumping the whole time, and I had 3 panic attacks, luckily not huge ones though, one right at the start, and two later on. Mostly in the scary bits! lol. But I didn't want to leave without seeing the rest because I knew if I did I'd never go back to the cinema again. I kept feeling like I was going to faint or have a heart attack or both, but I just decided to stay in my seat and SEE if I fainted!! Well, surprise surprise I didn't and the feeling just faded out! By the last half hour I was calm, and when I walked out I felt like I had really acheived something!
I am keen to go back and see another film now!!
Thanks for listening,
Vicky
well done vicky,
it took a lot of guts,to stay in your seat,but its the only way to overcome your panics.
i loved your pics..i was brought up by my grandparents,in south wales,on a small farm,and one of my jobs was to look after the pigs,i really loved it,and i often think back to those days.
glad you enjoyed the film,keep up the good work...best wishes..bryan.
hi vicky.
i have lots of things im afraid of too like you. i am afraid of being sick and the heat. the heat gets me panicy coz i think that if im too hot ill be sick. im scared of people being ill too. ive got a virus at the moment which isnt making me feel the best but i know it will go in a couple of days which is what i keep telling myself.
i have also been bullied in my primary school but i didnt let it get me down cause i didnt really call it bullying then but now i look back i know it was. ive had mine for 10 years which sometimes i feel like im never going to get better, but take one day at a time and if its a good day, good..and if its bad..just say well maybe it will be good tomorrow.
there are lots of things we relate too like you and there will be lots of things you relate too but this site really helps.
Hugs Rachel xx
Hi Bryan :) Thanks for the encouragement:)
Hi Rachel, I get worried about the heat too, but have found ways to cope like carrying water round with me, and last summer when it was really hot, I had a plant sprayer to spray water on me with, it keeps you cool. Mind you, its so darn cold with all this snow I would actually be glad to see a bit of hot weather!
Well I have more good news, I went back to the cinema today and saw Love Actually. I was a LOT less scared this time, and didn't have a panic attack!! I was anxious and dizzy, but I didn't panic and I enjoyed the film:)
Thanks,
Vicky
Fantastic Vicky ,
You're well on your way now !
Meg
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