I can't live like this anymore

[goingmadder]

Hi all

I've just started a relationship with a wonderful man.. Its still early days but for the fist time in many many years I felt a rush of emotion for him. We just clicked soo perfectly. he is everything I could ever want, we have so much in common and in no time at all we're both convinced this is it for us..no more looking for Mr or Miss Right cos we've found eachother... Everything has been going great until suddenly my arch nemesis Anxiety reared his ugly head and is trying to destroy everything...

Every relationship i have had since i was 17 when this first started has inevitable been destroyed by my manxiety..

The sudden sick feeling, palpatation, difficulty breathing and the terrible questioning... the constant thinking... feels like I am trying to convince myself of negative things.. When I have tried in the past to tell myself im being irrational I quickly folow that with Im making excuses for myself, I am just a horrible B**** and I just dont have the ability to love. I berate myself and punish myself and go round in the most vicious of circles. Even now the thought of accepting that "its not that I dont love him, its that i have an anxiety problem" feels like a total lie, like im making it up so that it's not my fault.

I am so so sick of anxiety ruining my life... All I want is to be happy..

In the seconds or minutes when the anxiety subsides I feel calm and think of him and know i love him and i want to be with him and experience our lives together... but then the anxiety takes grip and I fear hurting him, i feel like my whole life is a lie... The anxiety in its time has caused me to feel like that even about my friends and children so I guess in a sense thats proof enough that it is anxiety and not me being a nasty horrible person.

Right now I just wanna break down and cry Im so sick of losing great love and great opportunity because of the anxiety...

I just want it to end.. I have suffered anxiety/depression since I was 17 and when it hit me it was sudden like a snap of the fingers... it destroyed my life one thought at a time...i spiraled into depression.. i tried to get help abut didnt suceed. Over the years I found i was able to manage my "depression" by realising it comes in waves and that even though i felt down (at times suicidal) that it would pass and I'd ok but the anxiety seems harder to deal with... I've always left relationships as the negative thoughts were easier to beleive than the positive ones...

Even the traumatic events of childhood feel like a lame excuse for being such a messed up person.. I was sexually abused for years but it never really phased me as a child as I thought it was totally normal and so never really quesitoned it... as i got older and even in recent therapy a few months ago I felt liek i was using it as an excuse and that the fact that is didnt phase me back then meant in a way it was my own fault.

I just want this to stop before I lose him... he says he's not going anywhere and we'll work through whatever troubles we run into but thats not fair on him either!...

I dont want to take meds, thats always been a no no to me like a total cop out... there must be a way to stop being soooo NUTS!! Please please help!

Peace and love

X

[Stressed32]

Hi there- I did not want to take meds either and can relate to those feelings. Can I ask you this: If you were a cancer patient, would you deny yourself needed cemotherapy? Or, better yet, if you were diabetic, would you deny yourself much needed insulin? No, you wouldn't. The way you feel may be a chemical thing and medication may be what you need to feel ok. Buspar is non-natcotic and may help but it takes a few weeks. Good luck, and don't be so hard on yourself.

[PoppyC]

Hi
I did not want to take meds either and went through hell until I just started taking them. I think for some people who suffer with anxiety there comes a time when you have to take meds or basically suffer. I combine mine with therapy too which helps.
You say the sexual abuse never phased you out as a child - ok you thought it was normal back then - but now you are an adult and you know it was not right what happened. I can relate to the abuse as thats what happened to me along with a violent alcoholic mother. I know I am as I am now, because of childhood events. Whether we admit it or not or say I have dealt with that part of my life, the damage has already happened. For years I thought I could handle what happened to me being abused in my childhood, the past is the past and all of that, but eventually its manifested itself in anxiety and other disorders I now have.
Are you receiving any therapy? Please consider medication - its not a cop out. A cop out of what? Its not a sign of weakness to take medication. There is nothing brave in struggling with anxiety without meds when your are so deeply unhappy, anxious, and rships are being ruined. I thought as you did for a very long time and now I am on medication all I can think is Why did I not take them much sooner and I could have prevented so much unhappiness! I would rather table my medication every day for life than go through a life of being anxious and depressed every day. Would you rather to continue to suffer as you are? The previous post was so true. I combine my medication with self help, positive thinking, therapy, diet and exercise and combined it is working. Without medication I did all the those things but my anxiety was so bad that I eventually had to have medication as I could see myself re entering the psychiatric unit! It all depends on the severity of your anxiety and depression and how much you can deal with it I think without meds.. Each person is different in that respect - for me I was worn out and had a breakdown.
I think as soon as your anxiety is under control and you are feeling more positive you will see your rship totally different. You sound like you have a lovely boyfriend if he says he will not desert you and is staying despite what you are going through. Hang onto him cos there are not that many men around like that.

[UrbanMark]

Hi,

I was diagnosed Clinically depressed as a teenager. I didn't really know my mum as I was brought up by relatives. But she appeared one day with a `husband' my step father apparently. She took me away from my home when I was eight and let this guy physically and mentally abuse me for years.

It is not any fault of mine that I am now thirtysix and clinically depressed.

I always stayed away from meds, thinking that only `loopy people take that stuff', no - as the previous poster states - if you have a medial condition - whatever it is - then you must take the prescribed meds to heal your condition. I started on meds for the first time in my life 4 weeks ago, I just wish I had went on it fifteen years ago.

Please go to your GP and discuss it. Help i out there, never be afraid to ask.

Good luck.

[goingmadder]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for you replies..

I will go see my GP and enquire as to what help is available... i think my fear of meds is based on fear of addiction or living life through a glaze... But i see you point about "if it were anyother illness" i would take the necessary meds..

I'm feeling ever so slightly better than earlier today and I am hoping that my anxiety has peaked and is on the down if only for a day cos its so exhausting.

I also want to look into CBT as so far all roads seem to lead quite positively to and from there. A friend has offerd to lend me a book about CBT...

I just want this to end ... I want to love my boyfriend and look after him and make him happy like he's doing for me... All i gotta do i suppose is get my mind to stop being so danm negative..

Thanks again to everyone

Peace and love

xxx