goingmadder
24-03-09, 12:25
Hi all
I've just started a relationship with a wonderful man.. Its still early days but for the fist time in many many years I felt a rush of emotion for him. We just clicked soo perfectly. he is everything I could ever want, we have so much in common and in no time at all we're both convinced this is it for us..no more looking for Mr or Miss Right cos we've found eachother... Everything has been going great until suddenly my arch nemesis Anxiety reared his ugly head and is trying to destroy everything...
Every relationship i have had since i was 17 when this first started has inevitable been destroyed by my manxiety..
The sudden sick feeling, palpatation, difficulty breathing and the terrible questioning... the constant thinking... feels like I am trying to convince myself of negative things.. When I have tried in the past to tell myself im being irrational I quickly folow that with Im making excuses for myself, I am just a horrible B**** and I just dont have the ability to love. I berate myself and punish myself and go round in the most vicious of circles. Even now the thought of accepting that "its not that I dont love him, its that i have an anxiety problem" feels like a total lie, like im making it up so that it's not my fault.
I am so so sick of anxiety ruining my life... All I want is to be happy..
In the seconds or minutes when the anxiety subsides I feel calm and think of him and know i love him and i want to be with him and experience our lives together... but then the anxiety takes grip and I fear hurting him, i feel like my whole life is a lie... The anxiety in its time has caused me to feel like that even about my friends and children so I guess in a sense thats proof enough that it is anxiety and not me being a nasty horrible person.
Right now I just wanna break down and cry Im so sick of losing great love and great opportunity because of the anxiety...
I just want it to end.. I have suffered anxiety/depression since I was 17 and when it hit me it was sudden like a snap of the fingers... it destroyed my life one thought at a time...i spiraled into depression.. i tried to get help abut didnt suceed. Over the years I found i was able to manage my "depression" by realising it comes in waves and that even though i felt down (at times suicidal) that it would pass and I'd ok but the anxiety seems harder to deal with... I've always left relationships as the negative thoughts were easier to beleive than the positive ones...
Even the traumatic events of childhood feel like a lame excuse for being such a messed up person.. I was sexually abused for years but it never really phased me as a child as I thought it was totally normal and so never really quesitoned it... as i got older and even in recent therapy a few months ago I felt liek i was using it as an excuse and that the fact that is didnt phase me back then meant in a way it was my own fault.
I just want this to stop before I lose him... he says he's not going anywhere and we'll work through whatever troubles we run into but thats not fair on him either!...
I dont want to take meds, thats always been a no no to me like a total cop out... there must be a way to stop being soooo NUTS!! Please please help!
Peace and love
X
I've just started a relationship with a wonderful man.. Its still early days but for the fist time in many many years I felt a rush of emotion for him. We just clicked soo perfectly. he is everything I could ever want, we have so much in common and in no time at all we're both convinced this is it for us..no more looking for Mr or Miss Right cos we've found eachother... Everything has been going great until suddenly my arch nemesis Anxiety reared his ugly head and is trying to destroy everything...
Every relationship i have had since i was 17 when this first started has inevitable been destroyed by my manxiety..
The sudden sick feeling, palpatation, difficulty breathing and the terrible questioning... the constant thinking... feels like I am trying to convince myself of negative things.. When I have tried in the past to tell myself im being irrational I quickly folow that with Im making excuses for myself, I am just a horrible B**** and I just dont have the ability to love. I berate myself and punish myself and go round in the most vicious of circles. Even now the thought of accepting that "its not that I dont love him, its that i have an anxiety problem" feels like a total lie, like im making it up so that it's not my fault.
I am so so sick of anxiety ruining my life... All I want is to be happy..
In the seconds or minutes when the anxiety subsides I feel calm and think of him and know i love him and i want to be with him and experience our lives together... but then the anxiety takes grip and I fear hurting him, i feel like my whole life is a lie... The anxiety in its time has caused me to feel like that even about my friends and children so I guess in a sense thats proof enough that it is anxiety and not me being a nasty horrible person.
Right now I just wanna break down and cry Im so sick of losing great love and great opportunity because of the anxiety...
I just want it to end.. I have suffered anxiety/depression since I was 17 and when it hit me it was sudden like a snap of the fingers... it destroyed my life one thought at a time...i spiraled into depression.. i tried to get help abut didnt suceed. Over the years I found i was able to manage my "depression" by realising it comes in waves and that even though i felt down (at times suicidal) that it would pass and I'd ok but the anxiety seems harder to deal with... I've always left relationships as the negative thoughts were easier to beleive than the positive ones...
Even the traumatic events of childhood feel like a lame excuse for being such a messed up person.. I was sexually abused for years but it never really phased me as a child as I thought it was totally normal and so never really quesitoned it... as i got older and even in recent therapy a few months ago I felt liek i was using it as an excuse and that the fact that is didnt phase me back then meant in a way it was my own fault.
I just want this to stop before I lose him... he says he's not going anywhere and we'll work through whatever troubles we run into but thats not fair on him either!...
I dont want to take meds, thats always been a no no to me like a total cop out... there must be a way to stop being soooo NUTS!! Please please help!
Peace and love
X