Alan 74
24-03-09, 22:56
Hello all.
Let me introduce myself. My names Alan. And ive come across this site through searching for answers to explain my dreadfull behaviour.
I am married to a wonderfull woman and have been for ten years. We have been together for 15 years in total.
I am killing my marrage and driving my wife away with my dreadfull behaviour. And i feel im going insane with fear of losing her.
Ive never been the most confident of people but i seem to have a major issue with trust and fear of losing my wife. I am making her life a missery and im killing her love for me. I so want to get a grip of myself. And after reading other info on other sites its become quite evident that i do indeed have problems that i need to deal with asap before its too late. If it isnt already.
My problems seem to start when my wife wants go out with friends on a saterday night. I dont want her to give up her freinds. But she ends up having too. And i hate myself for putting her in that position. When she goes out the night begins okay. But the later it gets the more i struggle to cope with my feelings. When she does go out it isnt often. But when she does she thinks nothing of returning at 3 and 4 am. Drunk. And to me this is very difficult for me to take. We are in our thirties and have a 9 year old daughter. and i feel that behaviour like this is unacceptabe. She needs her fun. i know. But i find this very very hard to deal with. When she isnt there or home for what id consider a respectable time my mind goes into overdrive. I dont feel anger. It begins with anxiety and soon excellerates to unrational thoughts of fear and trust in her. And the really strange thing is. Deep down i know shed never cheat on me. She loves me for some strange reason. But every time she goes out, because i dont aprove of the times and the drunkeness i end up feeling this way.
As soon as she comes home all i feel is a huge sense of releif. I wait up for her every time because i cant sleep. I cant settle untill i know shes home safe and sound. I soon settle and get off to sleep.
But the next day is when i really do the emotional damage. For instance. Im sat here typing this after walking out on her on sunday for only getting home at 4am sunday morning. She went to our local village with freinds. And we had discussed my issues and she agreed to a compromise and be home by 2am. But 2am became 4am and as a result i was left with feelings of betrayal. She knew how i felt. But cannot understand my problem. I had to walk out and stay with family in the hope my not being there would jolt her into showing my feelings some consideration.
But how selfish am i. Doing that is like a child stamping his feet for attention isnt it. After words with my wife and digesting several things she said, 1 of them being i have problems ive decided to investigate that remark. And after reading many an article i fear shes quite right.
I love my wife so very very much. She is very beautifull and intelligent. I do not feel inferior to her so why do get so insecure and so obsessive. Im not even sure id call my feelings jelousey. deep down i dont think shed cheat. there is always that possibility i suppose. But whod blame her after what i put her through.
I loath myself and am deeply ashamed of some of things ive said in the past and more recently. But why do i do it over and over again. Im so confused. I dont like myself at all right now. Because if i do lose her this time i will have nobody to blame but myself. And that will a bitter pill to swallow.
And then of course there is our beautifull dughter who this must be effecting. Splitting up with my wife will break my little girls heart. I dont want to put my baby through that. If not for myself, I owe it to my little girl to overcome my poisoness cancer like insecurities. Please some body help.:weep:
Let me introduce myself. My names Alan. And ive come across this site through searching for answers to explain my dreadfull behaviour.
I am married to a wonderfull woman and have been for ten years. We have been together for 15 years in total.
I am killing my marrage and driving my wife away with my dreadfull behaviour. And i feel im going insane with fear of losing her.
Ive never been the most confident of people but i seem to have a major issue with trust and fear of losing my wife. I am making her life a missery and im killing her love for me. I so want to get a grip of myself. And after reading other info on other sites its become quite evident that i do indeed have problems that i need to deal with asap before its too late. If it isnt already.
My problems seem to start when my wife wants go out with friends on a saterday night. I dont want her to give up her freinds. But she ends up having too. And i hate myself for putting her in that position. When she goes out the night begins okay. But the later it gets the more i struggle to cope with my feelings. When she does go out it isnt often. But when she does she thinks nothing of returning at 3 and 4 am. Drunk. And to me this is very difficult for me to take. We are in our thirties and have a 9 year old daughter. and i feel that behaviour like this is unacceptabe. She needs her fun. i know. But i find this very very hard to deal with. When she isnt there or home for what id consider a respectable time my mind goes into overdrive. I dont feel anger. It begins with anxiety and soon excellerates to unrational thoughts of fear and trust in her. And the really strange thing is. Deep down i know shed never cheat on me. She loves me for some strange reason. But every time she goes out, because i dont aprove of the times and the drunkeness i end up feeling this way.
As soon as she comes home all i feel is a huge sense of releif. I wait up for her every time because i cant sleep. I cant settle untill i know shes home safe and sound. I soon settle and get off to sleep.
But the next day is when i really do the emotional damage. For instance. Im sat here typing this after walking out on her on sunday for only getting home at 4am sunday morning. She went to our local village with freinds. And we had discussed my issues and she agreed to a compromise and be home by 2am. But 2am became 4am and as a result i was left with feelings of betrayal. She knew how i felt. But cannot understand my problem. I had to walk out and stay with family in the hope my not being there would jolt her into showing my feelings some consideration.
But how selfish am i. Doing that is like a child stamping his feet for attention isnt it. After words with my wife and digesting several things she said, 1 of them being i have problems ive decided to investigate that remark. And after reading many an article i fear shes quite right.
I love my wife so very very much. She is very beautifull and intelligent. I do not feel inferior to her so why do get so insecure and so obsessive. Im not even sure id call my feelings jelousey. deep down i dont think shed cheat. there is always that possibility i suppose. But whod blame her after what i put her through.
I loath myself and am deeply ashamed of some of things ive said in the past and more recently. But why do i do it over and over again. Im so confused. I dont like myself at all right now. Because if i do lose her this time i will have nobody to blame but myself. And that will a bitter pill to swallow.
And then of course there is our beautifull dughter who this must be effecting. Splitting up with my wife will break my little girls heart. I dont want to put my baby through that. If not for myself, I owe it to my little girl to overcome my poisoness cancer like insecurities. Please some body help.:weep: