Help. Im killing my marrage with my insecurities

[Alan 74]

Hello all.
Let me introduce myself. My names Alan. And ive come across this site through searching for answers to explain my dreadfull behaviour.
I am married to a wonderfull woman and have been for ten years. We have been together for 15 years in total.
I am killing my marrage and driving my wife away with my dreadfull behaviour. And i feel im going insane with fear of losing her.
Ive never been the most confident of people but i seem to have a major issue with trust and fear of losing my wife. I am making her life a missery and im killing her love for me. I so want to get a grip of myself. And after reading other info on other sites its become quite evident that i do indeed have problems that i need to deal with asap before its too late. If it isnt already.
My problems seem to start when my wife wants go out with friends on a saterday night. I dont want her to give up her freinds. But she ends up having too. And i hate myself for putting her in that position. When she goes out the night begins okay. But the later it gets the more i struggle to cope with my feelings. When she does go out it isnt often. But when she does she thinks nothing of returning at 3 and 4 am. Drunk. And to me this is very difficult for me to take. We are in our thirties and have a 9 year old daughter. and i feel that behaviour like this is unacceptabe. She needs her fun. i know. But i find this very very hard to deal with. When she isnt there or home for what id consider a respectable time my mind goes into overdrive. I dont feel anger. It begins with anxiety and soon excellerates to unrational thoughts of fear and trust in her. And the really strange thing is. Deep down i know shed never cheat on me. She loves me for some strange reason. But every time she goes out, because i dont aprove of the times and the drunkeness i end up feeling this way.
As soon as she comes home all i feel is a huge sense of releif. I wait up for her every time because i cant sleep. I cant settle untill i know shes home safe and sound. I soon settle and get off to sleep.
But the next day is when i really do the emotional damage. For instance. Im sat here typing this after walking out on her on sunday for only getting home at 4am sunday morning. She went to our local village with freinds. And we had discussed my issues and she agreed to a compromise and be home by 2am. But 2am became 4am and as a result i was left with feelings of betrayal. She knew how i felt. But cannot understand my problem. I had to walk out and stay with family in the hope my not being there would jolt her into showing my feelings some consideration.
But how selfish am i. Doing that is like a child stamping his feet for attention isnt it. After words with my wife and digesting several things she said, 1 of them being i have problems ive decided to investigate that remark. And after reading many an article i fear shes quite right.
I love my wife so very very much. She is very beautifull and intelligent. I do not feel inferior to her so why do get so insecure and so obsessive. Im not even sure id call my feelings jelousey. deep down i dont think shed cheat. there is always that possibility i suppose. But whod blame her after what i put her through.
I loath myself and am deeply ashamed of some of things ive said in the past and more recently. But why do i do it over and over again. Im so confused. I dont like myself at all right now. Because if i do lose her this time i will have nobody to blame but myself. And that will a bitter pill to swallow.
And then of course there is our beautifull dughter who this must be effecting. Splitting up with my wife will break my little girls heart. I dont want to put my baby through that. If not for myself, I owe it to my little girl to overcome my poisoness cancer like insecurities. Please some body help.:weep:

[Raceworx]

Hi alan..

you sound abit like me when i was younger i had very little confidence..

i think you do have a small problem but nothing you carnt handle with abit of self disapline and the love of your familly..

have you ever thought your wife doesnt come back till 4am because shes having a good time? if she very rarely gets out then its hard for someone especially with the addition of alcohol to want to stop having fun.

my sister was a classic example of this.. when she was younger my parents would set her strict rules about going out.. and only aloud her to go out every now and again and each time she broke all the rules and came back late..

now she is older and has been through univercity.. she wwas aloud to do as she pleased.. alright to start with she partied hard for a few weeks but as she realised that going out was getting boaring.. and she startet to limit herself to how many times she would go out and the time she spent out fell drasticly..

this change must come from you.. if you relax and let her go out abit more she wont spend as much time out when she is.. also you must realise everyone needs there space im in a loving relationship but we still make time to be apart for a few hours to both get done things that we want to weather its simply to sit and have a read or watch movies our partners dont like (scary ones lol)

i dont personally think you need drugs ect i think youve already done yourself the world of good by realising what your doing isnt helping anyone...

i do ahve a few questions though.. what do you do when you do get angry how do you react to your wife i read you walked out today but what else do you tend to do? do you both work? how is your home life genrelly when she isnt planing on going out?

im sure youll be okay mate :D

[Alan 74]

Hi and thank you.
I dont angry. Not very often anyway. If i do i always walk away to defuse the situation. If my wife is home at these hours i always feel pure releif when she does get home and then the next day self loathing for having the feelings i had the night before. And for sending a barrage of text messages demanding to know where she is and when she is likely to be home. I have put her through hell and have always thought at the back of my head that itl be okay. That i could say sorry and the problem would go away. But there is always a next time. And this time around i stamped my feet like a soft spoiled child and left. Thinking it would make her see reason. But its back fired good and propper. She doesnt seem to care ive gone and seems quite relieved to be honest. And its this and a few home truths she gave that have made me do a lot of self annalsys. And shes quite right. Im not a very nice fella. So i have to go away and figure out why im like this. There has to be an underlying cause. And i can only pray i can fix my daft head before its too late. My biggest fear right now is that my wife will so relieved to have me off her case that she wont agree to try and fix our marrage.

[Alan 74]

Ps
yes we both work.
And home life generally okay. I guess a bit more effort could be used though. Its the small things that count like eating as a family. But because we both work and both get home at different times these things suffer. And i realise how important they are in building a relationship

[PoppyC]

Hi Alan
I just read your post. You sound like a lovely husband and father. Ok, you may not like what I am going to say, so remember its just my opinion, but quite frankly if in my past relationships I had come home at 4am, whilst living with my partner, I think it would have caused massive problems. I do not think this is your issue. I think it is very much your wifes issue. You say when you moved out she didnt seem to care...if thats the case it shows she does not care about the relationship. Yes, she does need to go out and socialise but to stay out until 4am??? I dont think she is being fair to you and how you are feeling, and you are bound to think all sorts of things regardless of having anxiety or not. I am sure if you were the most confident person in the world that this situation would eventually get to you. Its not like she is very young - she has a daughter and a husband and she needs to think of both of you. Maybe try telling her that your little girl was awake and wanted to know where her mummy was. Why dont you turn the situation around - can you not go out a few times, let her stay home with your little girl, and you walk in at 4am? See how she would feel. You sound like a lovely man - dont get trodden on! Dont put up with a situation either which is making you miserable through fear of losing her. She needs to realise how this is affecting you. I can fully understand you feeling as you do. Have you explained to her fully how it is affecting you? Personally I would not stop her going out obviously, but I would expect her to be back at a reasonable time - not 4am! Does she tell you where she is going??? Does she reply to your texts and calls when she is out?

[Little Miss Anxious]

Hi Alan, let me give you an opinion from the flip side of the coin - as a married 35 year old who likes to (try) & party hard, lol.

Regarding the issues of your wife going out & not returning until the small wee hours. Every few weeks a big group of us girls always have a night out, all of us in our 30's & 40's, most of us married or in serious relationships, some of us without kids, some with families. I am always in by 1.30 - 2am - simply becuase I'm ashamed to say I cant take the pace anymore & am sadly lacking in Stamina, alot of my mates however seem to manage to stay out until 4am & later (more often than not its the ones who have children !) they are often in a bit of a tangle drinkwise not irrersponsibly, just very merry, but unless they are keeping secrets from me its never due to them being out up to no good, more often than not its simply beacuse its their time to let loose & have some fun, I dont think it even occurs to them to check the time, often when we speak the next day they say "cant believe it was 4.30 am when I got home" I am lucky I have a very chilled out husband, he might text me once while i'm out before he goes to bed to say goodnight then he dosent even stir when I come stumbling into the bedroom, I could stay out until 6am & he's be none the wiser, lol.

I think you have done the hard part realising your reaction is causing a problem between you. Just try your best to chill when she goes out - stop letting your mind work overtime, as I say its just highly likely the girls are having a good laugh & havent even realised what time it is.

I hope you work it out !