View Full Version : Help. Im killing my marrage with my insecurities
Hello all.
Let me introduce myself. My names Alan. And ive come across this site through searching for answers to explain my dreadfull behaviour.
I am married to a wonderfull woman and have been for ten years. We have been together for 15 years in total.
I am killing my marrage and driving my wife away with my dreadfull behaviour. And i feel im going insane with fear of losing her.
Ive never been the most confident of people but i seem to have a major issue with trust and fear of losing my wife. I am making her life a missery and im killing her love for me. I so want to get a grip of myself. And after reading other info on other sites its become quite evident that i do indeed have problems that i need to deal with asap before its too late. If it isnt already.
My problems seem to start when my wife wants go out with friends on a saterday night. I dont want her to give up her freinds. But she ends up having too. And i hate myself for putting her in that position. When she goes out the night begins okay. But the later it gets the more i struggle to cope with my feelings. When she does go out it isnt often. But when she does she thinks nothing of returning at 3 and 4 am. Drunk. And to me this is very difficult for me to take. We are in our thirties and have a 9 year old daughter. and i feel that behaviour like this is unacceptabe. She needs her fun. i know. But i find this very very hard to deal with. When she isnt there or home for what id consider a respectable time my mind goes into overdrive. I dont feel anger. It begins with anxiety and soon excellerates to unrational thoughts of fear and trust in her. And the really strange thing is. Deep down i know shed never cheat on me. She loves me for some strange reason. But every time she goes out, because i dont aprove of the times and the drunkeness i end up feeling this way.
As soon as she comes home all i feel is a huge sense of releif. I wait up for her every time because i cant sleep. I cant settle untill i know shes home safe and sound. I soon settle and get off to sleep.
But the next day is when i really do the emotional damage. For instance. Im sat here typing this after walking out on her on sunday for only getting home at 4am sunday morning. She went to our local village with freinds. And we had discussed my issues and she agreed to a compromise and be home by 2am. But 2am became 4am and as a result i was left with feelings of betrayal. She knew how i felt. But cannot understand my problem. I had to walk out and stay with family in the hope my not being there would jolt her into showing my feelings some consideration.
But how selfish am i. Doing that is like a child stamping his feet for attention isnt it. After words with my wife and digesting several things she said, 1 of them being i have problems ive decided to investigate that remark. And after reading many an article i fear shes quite right.
I love my wife so very very much. She is very beautifull and intelligent. I do not feel inferior to her so why do get so insecure and so obsessive. Im not even sure id call my feelings jelousey. deep down i dont think shed cheat. there is always that possibility i suppose. But whod blame her after what i put her through.
I loath myself and am deeply ashamed of some of things ive said in the past and more recently. But why do i do it over and over again. Im so confused. I dont like myself at all right now. Because if i do lose her this time i will have nobody to blame but myself. And that will a bitter pill to swallow.
And then of course there is our beautifull dughter who this must be effecting. Splitting up with my wife will break my little girls heart. I dont want to put my baby through that. If not for myself, I owe it to my little girl to overcome my poisoness cancer like insecurities. Please some body help.:weep:
Hi there and :welcome: to the site, a lot of good sound advice on here, you do really need to get to your gp and discuss how your feeling and get some help, but at least you have recognised there is a problem and that's not always easy, so well done for that. Be proud that you have taken the first step, take care xx
:D hiya alan, been there done abnd bought the t-shirt - you have explained how you feel and to me all it is is a simple case of seperation anxiety?
you say you arent feeling inferior to your wife? you say you dont feel angry at your wife? so what else can it be other than you dont like her having fun without you?
when i got pregnant with my daughter who is 11 in may - i had known my now husband 16 weeks - he left me overnight on new years eve to go to another city partying - i was 5 months pregnant and alone - i dont have a mum or dad around and my sister was also partying! anyway this sort of behaviour continued right throughout the first 5 years of our relationship - he once came in at 5am on a xmas eve, was sick on our daughters bedroom floor and got his dad to drive him to work for 7am!!!!!:mad: in those days he worked 4on4off so he had to work over chrismas, newyear and all other hols if it was his turn:lac: now i havent just sat back and let all this bad behaviour go, but equally now i look back on it i overreacted and as a result he doesn tsee his friends now - and for that he is bitter towards me - i dont agree with that sort of behaviour and his brother and friends would have encouraged him to behave like this despite knowing that he had me and our daughter at home - ppl dont care! they jsut get drunk and want to have fun - they want to escape from the reality of commitment and hard work that family life is - now looking back i feel sorry for my husband becasue he wasnt happy and i now have the information that he regretted getting me pregnant in the first place and he just wanted to carry on as before - i had no support so all of this going out and bad drunken behaviour - bear in mind my husband would stay out overnight many times - so ofcourse i got very very insecure.
i know my husband feels bad about those times now and i think if we could turn th eclock back he may do things differently - all his friends are now settled and they are committed to their families - whereas we have alsways had a very troubled relationship - so your situation makes you feel bad but it may not actually be bad if you compare it to someone else - if you are happy and get on well the n i would suggest this is somehting for you to deal with yourself by yourself - is it becasue you dont like her going out without you? do you have your own friends ot go out with? do you go out together? i think if you are secure and happy in yourself and you take responsibiity for yourself your wife going out wont bother you - and in my opinion going out till 4am isnt bad behaviour - cathing her on th efront lawn with another guy is bad beahviour, or flashing her boobs or ass to the whole streeet!!!! she is just going out having a few drinks and having a good time with her girlfriends - ther is no crime in that, even if you are in your 30s with a 9 yr old:winks:
:hugs: oh yes also just to add - that yo cant beat yourself up for being like this - you arent being selfish you are low - your self-esteem is low - but you do have to deal with it by building yourself up - not by knocking yourself - you have recognised your insecurity and you can now work on why you feel htis why and how to make yourself feel better - i dont recognise myself compared to the person i was then - my husband could go out every night of the week if he chose to - if he wants to do other things than be with me then that is his right - and that works both ways - he can tmake demands of me and my time, and you end up spending more quality time together - so you grow and you become more respectful of one another and things get better and you get better - try to work on the low self-esteem - dont focus on your wife focus on you - you deserve it! melanie fennell has written a good book about low self esteem - i think you can get it on amazon? take care, emma:)
finny12000
25-03-09, 11:22
Alan i understand where your coming from
even down to being ok with wife going out then clock watching all night
and as time drags by your anxiety increases dramatically until shes in.
jealousy low selfesteem insecure can all bring on feelings of mistrust and
from your post i actually think your halfway there as you recognise all the signs ect and want to work on them.
councelling would be best way for you to go to get all these feelings out
so you can have weapons to fight these thoughts and tackle them head on
Going out more with the wife would help as sometimes after a while we start taking each other for granted and actually lead different lives.
Its also important we have our friends and meet up with them and all your wife is doing is letting her hair down and enjoying herself with her pals which will be important to her,i hope your out with mates every now and then also
See about some sort treatment alan for self esteem because once you realise your as important and special as anyone all insecurities will melt away
Thank you all ever so much for your kind words. They are very comforting.
I have made an appointment see my gp to seek help.
My wife is not speaking to me as this has happened so many times before. And very sadly i fear the worst that ive blown it this time. Ive often wonderd if was damaged goods from a previous relationship when i was younger. and if it was these experiences that have left me damaged. I pray to god that i havent blown it. And intend to seek help to learn to control these awfull feelings. I so want my wife to respect me and to have her own life without feeling as i am trapping her. Ive got a lot of work to do to win her love back and to regain her trust in that i wont contiue down this destructive path.
Im finding very difficult to sleep at night because of all this. And hope my gp can prescribe something to aid sleep. As a lorry driver ill be endangering other peoples lives if i dont get some sleep. I cant sleep , eat ,or concentrate on anything. If this is whats known as being love sick i hate it.
Im wondering also if i maybe suffering from depression. I dont know anything for sure and just hope my gp can give some answers. Ive got to admit though. Im dreading going to see him. I dont know what im going to say. And so emotional and allover the place i fear i maybe reduced to tears.
Again thank you all for your support. Im so glad i found this site. I have so many other issues that are coverd on here. Its fantastic to know there other people who understand.
:) hi allan, i take my hat off to you for recognising that you need help - especially being a lorry driver - you could poss get signed off work with stress realted insommnia until you get on an even keel - it is very important in your job to be okay as you have quite rightly already stated.
crying infront of the doc is good as he/she will see how bad you feel - dont hold it in - i dont class this as love sickness - its not!!!! take care and keep us posted as to how you get on? were all here for you, remember that:winks:
Hi Alan
I just read your post. You sound like a lovely husband and father. Ok, you may not like what I am going to say, so remember its just my opinion, but quite frankly if in my past relationships I had come home at 4am, whilst living with my partner, I think it would have caused massive problems. I do not think this is your issue. I think it is your wifes issue. Yes, she does need to go out and socialise but to stay out until 4am??? I dont think she is being fair to you and how you are feeling, and you are bound to think all sorts of things regardless of having anxiety or not. Its not like she is very young - she has a daughter and a husband and she needs to think of both of you. Why dont you turn the situation around - can you not go out a few times, let her stay home with your little girl, and you walk in at 4am? See how she would feel. You sound like a lovely man - dont get trodden on! Dont put up with a situation either which is making you miserable through fear of losing her. She needs to realise how this is affecting you. I can fully understand you feeling as you do. Have you explained to her fully how it is affecting you?
__________________
Poppy
mo-cadbird
25-03-09, 15:46
Alan,
I've just read your post, & I'm feeling I'm doing exactly the same to my Husband, I'm on anti-depressants, but reading the replies to you post, you & I are not alone in how we are feeling. I feel as though I've already pushed my husband away with the perminant questions & phone calls & when I phone & can't get through I have a hundred & one different reasons of why he's not answering or who he's talking to. Talk to your GP , and then talk to your wife tell her how you're feeling. (I couldn't actually talk to my husband for fear of him telling me he didn't care, but sent him a email instead, sometimes its easier to write you feelings down)
I hope it helps to know that you're not alone in this, but please talk to someone.:grouphug:
I have to agree with poppy, i go out with my friends and i know deep down my b/f has his own insecurities as his ex wife had an affair or two, but i wouldnt dream of coming in at 4am either and i don't think i'd be too happy if my b/f did.
But i suppose we're all different
best of luck anyway i hope you get something sorted.
di xx
Little Miss Anxious
25-03-09, 15:47
Hi Alan, let me give you an opinion from the flip side of the coin - as a married 35 year old who likes to (try) & party hard, lol.
Regarding the issues of your wife going out & not returning until the small wee hours. Every few weeks a big group of us girls always have a night out, all of us in our 30's & 40's, most of us married or in serious relationships, some of us without kids, some with families. I am always in by 1.30 - 2am - simply becuase I'm ashamed to say I cant take the pace anymore & am sadly lacking in Stamina, alot of my mates however seem to manage to stay out until 4am & later (more often than not its the ones who have children !) we are often in a bit of a tangle drinkwise not iresponsibly, just very merry, but unless they are keeping secrets from me them being out so late is never due to them being out up to no good, more often than not its simply beacuse its their time to let loose & have some fun, I dont think it even occurs to them to check the time, it dosent occur to me, as I say I just cant stay out that late any more. Often when we speak the next day they say "cant believe it was 4.30 am when I got home" I am lucky I have a very chilled out husband, he might text me once while i'm out before he goes to bed to say goodnight then he dosent even stir when I come stumbling into the bedroom, I could stay out until 6am & he'd be none the wiser, lol.
I can see your point of view & understand how it could cause you upset & its only fair your wife takes this onboard & at least tries to meet you halfway with the time she gets in, I notice she did agree to this once but it didn't quite work out, it just shows though she did take head to your point of view though. I think you have done the hard part realising your reaction is causing a problem between you. Just try your best to chill when she goes out - stop letting your mind work overtime, as I say its just highly likely the girls are having a good laugh & havent even realised what time it is.
I do hope you work it out, it would be a shame to let this spoil an otherwise good relationship !
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/images/misc/progress.gif
The problem i have right now is trying to get my wife to discuss this. She will not talk to me. choosing to either go out with freinds or simply ignore me full stop. And this mental torture is killing me. The not knowing. Its as if she has a gun aimed at head and cant decide wether or not to shoot. The being ignored is a real head wrecker. Because all i need is to be told its going to be okay. That we can work it out because we still love one another. I love her so much. But i cant take much more of this. Shes going out again soon just to get away from me. Can you imagine how i feel right now. I couldnt wait to be home from work so i could be near her. And to try and speak to her. Ive never ever known her to be so hard and distant. Its a case of this is how it is. Tough if you dont like it. If you dont like it thats your problem. And this is not like her at all. She may not be the most affectionate person but she certainly never acts so cruel.
Hi again Alan :)
I have thought about this and hope my reply didnt annoy you. Thinking about it - I should not really comment on your marriage when I dont know you. The last post was a good post - in that yes your wife is out enjoying herself, has too much to drink and loses track of time. Its easy to do. I have done that plenty of times. (before good old anxiety and agoraphobia ended it!) However she should take into consideration the effect it is having on you. Relationship stresses can make existing anxiety much worse and can cause it. I hope you manage to resolve this, that your wife sits down and talks with you, listens to your concerns, and that it all gets sorted out for you. You sound like a lovely caring husband and your wife is lucky to have a husband like you!
A few different opinions here. Thanks for the kinds words. No offence is taken. And im gratefull for all the different veiws. It helps build a better idea of what i need to learn and the things i need to deal with. I just wish i didnt feel like this. Its been the worst 4 days of my life. Ive never felt so bad. Its really weighing me down.
Tonight has been the worst night of my entire life. And i feel so bad and so ill with worry that id rather go to sleep and not wake up just so i dont have to feel the same again.
Amanda is my soulmate, My best mate, My beautifull lover, My daughters mummy, And my rock. How am i ever going to get over this.
Ill give you all a bit if insight into my life. I cant sleep anyway.
Im 34 years old. And from a young age ive always felt ive been an outsider. Yeah i had freinds. But they were carefully selected. And i even had nothing in commom with them. Not really. I was always big into music. And a massive gary numan fan. And the fact i wasnt into things like sport shut me off even more. And i spent many years having the piss taken out of me because of musical taste. And my shyness. Dont get me wrong i never dressed like strange fan and coppied my idol. That wasnt for me. I loathed school. I eeked my way through it. I was classed as thick. I couldnt do maths or spell etc and spent my days day dreaming out the window. And trying to avoid another piss taking or thump.
I left school with no qualifications. And drifted into a dead end job. I met a girl who i put all my trust in and after the best part of 2 years she got on a plane left to live abroad with her father. I drove her to this by the way. My insecurities baban here. I was left devastated.
Home life was always just okay i was middle child having 2 sisters. My eldest being the brains of the family and my youngest. I always felt pushed out and ignored and this lead to bad behaviour.
In the early 1990s my mother started drinking. Sociably at first with my father. Theyd go the pub together. But things started to go really wrong. My mum was suffering with depression and drank more and more to make hersekf forget. And they got in with bad crowd. While the rest of us worked my mum sat at home all day boozing. Totaly out of character for her. And by the time we all got home she was like mad man. Full of hatred. And would say the hurtfull things. She was violent too. All this went on for a good few years. She cheated on my father with the so called freinds from the pub And broke his heart. My mum left in 1996 and we never saw her for months and months at a time. We didnt know if was alive or dead. When we did see her she was a shadow of her former self. Her once muscular body ravaged by alcohol.
I met my wife through freinds in 1994. I always met my girlfreinds through freinds because i was too shy to talk to them myself. I consider myself quite a catch though back in my 20s. Ive always loved body building and work out to make myself the body of envy. With my bleach blonde hair and suntan and muscles i could of had any girl i wanted if i wasnt so shy.
I met amanda and was instantly taken aback by her looks. Long brown hair and big brown eyes. With small rose bud lips. And a lovely bottom too i might add. She was interested in other lads as well as me. And i had other girls i was dating too. But amanda had that something. Even her name was beautifull and made my heart race. She made me work to win her but i did.
The first few years of our relationship went really well. We were never apart. I loved her and her me. We did everthing together. And it was fantastic having somebody so commited to me. Just me. I saw less and less of my mates but didnt care because i didnt like what theyd consider a good time. I wanted to be with this beautifull young lady who would of done anything for me. She came to all my numan gigs. Even though she wasnt keen. She did that for me. We travled we did everything.
Then we started to drift apart. Amanda wanting to go to nightclubs with freinds etc. And so to fill the void i had to revert back to my old mates. Amanda would tell me what her freinds had got upto. Having sex in the toilets with pub bouncers etc. Things i didnt need to hear. Alarm bells would ring. And id become very insecure. Because amanda looks very very sexy when she goes out and gets no shotage of admiring glances from other fellas. That didnt bother me though. Because she was mine. And i was as proud as punch.
Then another girl started to show interest in me back in 1996. And amanda became aware of thid and became very possesive. Witch made me rebel. I became blinkerd by the attention and felt good that somebody fancied me again. But amanda was convinced. She had every right to be too. This girl eventuall ended up seeing one of my good mates. And 1 night things took a turn for the worst for them. And being the drunken idiot that i was i offerd her a place to sleep. My father was on holiday so said she could take my bed and me take my fathers. But id forgotten that id given amanda the spare key to the house. And she turned up at 3am to suprise me. But she got the suprise alright. She walked right in on me wearing nothing but my undies. The other girl was in bed. I think i was putting the tv on for her or something at the time. Anyway amanda gave me a right thump. And quite rightly so. And she ran off home. I told the other girl to get dressed and go home. We hadnt had any knid of relations. I simply wasnt very attracted to her. And the more i got to know her the more i realised she wasnt a very nice girl.
So after a while i managed to win amanda back round but the relationship as damaged and very strained. For amanda i was simply not to be trusted. I gave up my freinds over time. And did this willingly. For if every time i went out with mates i was putting amanda through it i though no. My girl comes first.
We joined a gym together and began to spend all our time with each other. The relationship noe becomming more serious. But we both go freinds with a couple in the gym and things went pear shaped big time. My wife spent so much time with the bloke from this couple. hed pick her up from work etc. Shed go missing for hours even full nights. And 1 day when i was sat in her bedroom i noticed a screwed up peice of paper in her waste paper bin beside her bed. I could see without opening it up that it started dear dave. So i took it and read it. It was declaring all her feelings for him. And atractive she thought he was. I was devastated. He tried to manipulate me into telling amanda that id cheated on her so he could split us up. And for a short spell he did. But fortuntately amanda realised what peice of work he was.
So we went away camping. Just me and her and my dog. We talked and talked. We still where very much in love. We made some good decissions on that break. To quite the gym. And to make a comitment to each other. We got engaged when we got home. I felt fantastic. And i couldnt of been happier. I loved her so much. And was fully aware hoe lucky i was to have such a beautifull clever girl.
Amanda started to go clubbing again. She was going with my sister. But even so the old feelingd started to creep bavck into my head.
then 1 night around 3am. a car full of lads. 1 of them a bouncer my sister had been cheating with pulled up on our drive. Amanda got out the car and cme in with torn stockings and her skirt up her back side. And i had to bite my lip.
A couple days later she left her diary open on the page regarding that night. And declared how she regertted saying she wanted to marry me. And had feelings for 1 of the lads ffrom that night. We where due to marry in 2 weeks.
The wedding went well. And a great day was hed by all. and i bagged my beautifull wife id always dreamed of.
But within 2 weeks it was almost over. After a night on the town and too much alcohol we had the most awfull fight. Amanda attacked me and me her. The police came and took me to my dads to dfuse the sittuation. And he said he was appealing to me as i was the sober and calmer of the 2 of us. He also gave me the advice about walking from trouble to defuse it. Ive never forgotten that. And have used many times.
We put it behind us though and carried on. Still in love. and our beautifull daughter was born in may 20000. I was so proud.
But i almost lost amanda to child birth. Something thats always plauged me. Because amanda wants another child. And is desperate. But threre is alaways reasons i say no. Dont get me wrong. Id love 1. But at what cost ?
we struggled after the babay as born. Because as most fathers do i felt ignored. I did as much as i could around the house. And with the baby But amanda was depressed. So we had no intimacy beween us. I stuck with it though and after a while she was back.
We where still im love. And we have been through some tough times. But the only thing i cant get past is the times. And the not knowing.
She has a new group of freinds now. And 1 in particular who has just left her husband. She spends more and more time with her. And she has changed toward me. She is cold and unloving.
Ive felt very unhappy and depressed now for ages but didnt know what depression was.And my depression is what is ruining this for me. I lash out. I hate my job, Myself, being a slave to a mortgage etc. But my amanda is the 1 constant. And i have abused her time after time. I dont mean physicly. I mean mentaly. Ive neglected her and my daughter. Always choosing to do my own thing on my day off. Ive taken my unhappiness out her time after time. And she and my daughter are the only thing im happy about. I love em to bits. And never knowingly do them harm.
It looks as though ive blown it for good this time. Ive never know my wife be so hard and cruel. I know shes angry and has very right to be. But im so desperatly unhappy. And really need her to stick by me.
Ive lay awake now for 2 nights with worry. And i cant take anotherd day of feeling like this. Id rather not wake up than go another day with this suffering.I cant beleive after all therse years she can turn her feelings off just like that. I cant. It doesnt matter what she might do. Lie cheat etc. If she ever did i could forgive her. I called her some dreadfull name. Ive relly hurt and angerd her. But ive done it out of insecurity. All i want is for her to love me. I cannot see a way out of this black hole. And just wish i could go to sleep and it sll be gone. Or not wake up at all
mo-cadbird
26-03-09, 08:34
Alan,
please make a appointment today to see your doctor, you need to talk to someone about how you feel, please dont do anything rash my friend , I know how desperate you are feeling, but please, talk to you gp!
Alan you need to go to the doctor and get some meds i think also you need to show your wife this message board.. show her what you have written here and that you are trying..
you both need to start this whole thing afresh! you need to realise that if you continue your wife will most probably leave and your wife needs to realise that for a few month she might just have to cut back on her girly nights out.. then once you both start on this path things will get better then as you yourself get better and realise that you can trust your wife to go out and that she will be okay she can go out more..
All you need is that first push towards feeling happier!!
:)now knowing your stiry i can see that this is a situation brought about by both of you - no-one alone is to blame, maybe insecure ppl get drawn towards non-insecure ppl for strength and this later on causes more insecurity - however i still maintain we have to take responsibilty for our own insecurity - you have to change this attitude in yourself that you can only survive because of your wife! ppl leave, ppl die and our lives mean enough for us to go on for ourselves, we cant be controlled to this extent!
i would say you need individual counselling and also maybe go and get assessed by relate to see if they can help - also your gp, becasue if you are depressed it makes you not be able to see straight. ive been where you are now, with similar complications - however no other ppl were ever involved in my situation - i dont think the situation with the guy from the gym was acceptable - and that was before you got married! what i mean is my husband may have given me cause to worry by his lack of concern or attention to me, but he never cheated, i htink your wife has actaully given you cause to be concerned - if it werent for your low self-esteem i think youd be angry? one things for certain though - you can recover from this and you can have a life either with your wife or without, take care, emma:hugs:
psychocandy
27-03-09, 10:19
Wow. Alan - thats so spooky because its just like me. I am EXACTLY the same.
I'm 41, wife is 37 and she likes to go out. And I hate it.
But, I tell you what - we've sorted this out recently. I forced myself to give her space to do what she wanted. I reckoned that if she didnt go out too much and neglect me and our son (she didnt), she didnt get so drunk as to put herself in danger (she didnt), and she didnt spent too much money that we couldnt afford (she didnt), and didnt mess around with other men (she didnt) then why should I stop her?
Do you know what? The more space I gave her the less she wanted to go out, and the more considerate she became. I let her go away for the weekend with the girls to Butlins. I was terrified but she enjoyed herself and came back to me. I think part of it was she used to do the opposite that I told her because I was trying to control her.
Anyway, I am also taking medication - clomipramine. This has helped a lot, and calmed me down a bit and stopped me obsessing about things like my wife going out. Have you been to see a doc at all?
Also, I bought a few books to try and work things out. Best ones are :-
Jealousy(overcoming common problems) - Paul A. Hauck
Self-coaching - Joseph Luciani
The Control Freak - Les Parrott
If theres anything I can help with, anything, PM me if you like.
All the best, Paul.
psychocandy
27-03-09, 10:25
:D hiya alan, been there done abnd bought the t-shirt - you have explained how you feel and to me all it is is a simple case of seperation anxiety?
you say you arent feeling inferior to your wife? you say you dont feel angry at your wife? so what else can it be other than you dont like her having fun without you?
when i got pregnant with my daughter who is 11 in may - i had known my now husband 16 weeks - he left me overnight on new years eve to go to another city partying - i was 5 months pregnant and alone - i dont have a mum or dad around and my sister was also partying! anyway this sort of behaviour continued right throughout the first 5 years of our relationship - he once came in at 5am on a xmas eve, was sick on our daughters bedroom floor and got his dad to drive him to work for 7am!!!!!:mad: in those days he worked 4on4off so he had to work over chrismas, newyear and all other hols if it was his turn:lac: now i havent just sat back and let all this bad behaviour go, but equally now i look back on it i overreacted and as a result he doesn tsee his friends now - and for that he is bitter towards me - i dont agree with that sort of behaviour and his brother and friends would have encouraged him to behave like this despite knowing that he had me and our daughter at home - ppl dont care! they jsut get drunk and want to have fun - they want to escape from the reality of commitment and hard work that family life is - now looking back i feel sorry for my husband becasue he wasnt happy and i now have the information that he regretted getting me pregnant in the first place and he just wanted to carry on as before - i had no support so all of this going out and bad drunken behaviour - bear in mind my husband would stay out overnight many times - so ofcourse i got very very insecure.
i know my husband feels bad about those times now and i think if we could turn th eclock back he may do things differently - all his friends are now settled and they are committed to their families - whereas we have alsways had a very troubled relationship - so your situation makes you feel bad but it may not actually be bad if you compare it to someone else - if you are happy and get on well the n i would suggest this is somehting for you to deal with yourself by yourself - is it becasue you dont like her going out without you? do you have your own friends ot go out with? do you go out together? i think if you are secure and happy in yourself and you take responsibiity for yourself your wife going out wont bother you - and in my opinion going out till 4am isnt bad behaviour - cathing her on th efront lawn with another guy is bad beahviour, or flashing her boobs or ass to the whole streeet!!!! she is just going out having a few drinks and having a good time with her girlfriends - ther is no crime in that, even if you are in your 30s with a 9 yr old:winks:
Emmas right here. Its OK for someone to go out and have a good time sometimes. As long as other things dont get neglected.
But dont beat yourself up over it. You've admitted its a problem and you're trying to fix it. Good for you.
psychocandy
27-03-09, 10:29
Hi Alan
I just read your post. You sound like a lovely husband and father. Ok, you may not like what I am going to say, so remember its just my opinion, but quite frankly if in my past relationships I had come home at 4am, whilst living with my partner, I think it would have caused massive problems. I do not think this is your issue. I think it is your wifes issue. Yes, she does need to go out and socialise but to stay out until 4am??? I dont think she is being fair to you and how you are feeling, and you are bound to think all sorts of things regardless of having anxiety or not. Its not like she is very young - she has a daughter and a husband and she needs to think of both of you. Why dont you turn the situation around - can you not go out a few times, let her stay home with your little girl, and you walk in at 4am? See how she would feel. You sound like a lovely man - dont get trodden on! Dont put up with a situation either which is making you miserable through fear of losing her. She needs to realise how this is affecting you. I can fully understand you feeling as you do. Have you explained to her fully how it is affecting you?
__________________
Poppy
Poppy,
I disagree. Nothing wrong with staying out till 4am OCCASIONALLY if there is nothing dodgy going on. As I've said before as long as it doesnt affect other things.
I was the same. Uded to hate my wife going out. Now sometimes she stays over a friends because its easier and safer than getting a taxi home alone. But she always texts me when she gets to her friends so I know shes safe. Sometime Iwont get the text till the morning but I know she safe...
psychocandy
27-03-09, 10:31
Hi Alan, let me give you an opinion from the flip side of the coin - as a married 35 year old who likes to (try) & party hard, lol.
Regarding the issues of your wife going out & not returning until the small wee hours. Every few weeks a big group of us girls always have a night out, all of us in our 30's & 40's, most of us married or in serious relationships, some of us without kids, some with families. I am always in by 1.30 - 2am - simply becuase I'm ashamed to say I cant take the pace anymore & am sadly lacking in Stamina, alot of my mates however seem to manage to stay out until 4am & later (more often than not its the ones who have children !) we are often in a bit of a tangle drinkwise not iresponsibly, just very merry, but unless they are keeping secrets from me them being out so late is never due to them being out up to no good, more often than not its simply beacuse its their time to let loose & have some fun, I dont think it even occurs to them to check the time, it dosent occur to me, as I say I just cant stay out that late any more. Often when we speak the next day they say "cant believe it was 4.30 am when I got home" I am lucky I have a very chilled out husband, he might text me once while i'm out before he goes to bed to say goodnight then he dosent even stir when I come stumbling into the bedroom, I could stay out until 6am & he'd be none the wiser, lol.
I can see your point of view & understand how it could cause you upset & its only fair your wife takes this onboard & at least tries to meet you halfway with the time she gets in, I notice she did agree to this once but it didn't quite work out, it just shows though she did take head to your point of view though. I think you have done the hard part realising your reaction is causing a problem between you. Just try your best to chill when she goes out - stop letting your mind work overtime, as I say its just highly likely the girls are having a good laugh & havent even realised what time it is.
I do hope you work it out, it would be a shame to let this spoil an otherwise good relationship !
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/images/misc/progress.gif
A very sensible post her !!!!:yesyes: :yesyes: :yesyes:
psychocandy
27-03-09, 10:32
The problem i have right now is trying to get my wife to discuss this. She will not talk to me. choosing to either go out with freinds or simply ignore me full stop. And this mental torture is killing me. The not knowing. Its as if she has a gun aimed at head and cant decide wether or not to shoot. The being ignored is a real head wrecker. Because all i need is to be told its going to be okay. That we can work it out because we still love one another. I love her so much. But i cant take much more of this. Shes going out again soon just to get away from me. Can you imagine how i feel right now. I couldnt wait to be home from work so i could be near her. And to try and speak to her. Ive never ever known her to be so hard and distant. Its a case of this is how it is. Tough if you dont like it. If you dont like it thats your problem. And this is not like her at all. She may not be the most affectionate person but she certainly never acts so cruel.
Maybe its because she feels your trying to stop her doing things? Women can get very stubborn like this if they think you;re trying to control them. :scared15: :scared15: :scared15:
Do an experiment? Give her a little space next time and she might act differently. I can guarantee that if she thinks you're playing fair with her, she'll start being more considerate.
psychocandy - i agree with everything you say - i was exactly the same - and i only got better when i recognised i had a problem -thats not to excuse the other person winding you up and completely ignoring your feelings - but jealosy is like a red rag to a bull to some ppl - they just wont tolerate it - like you say it makes them feel controlled - i wouldnt like to be controlled myself - sometimes as harsh as it sounds its just a case of get a life! i mean that in the nicest sense mind! before anyone takes offense - use the time while your other half is out to do things for yourself what you like to do but that maybe your other half doesnt - dont ask me wha tthey are as each person will be different, but we dont all like doing the same things as our partners all the time so take this time to do those things and to be nice to yourself and if youve got kids to spend one on one time with them - maybe go out with them to the cinema or for something to eat? or just things at home? this attitude to it has completely fixed things in that area of my life - you have to deal with why you are so insecure - if its fear that you will be left alone then you have to deal with that fear - because as sure as eggs are eggs at some point we will be left on our own, so best to learn to deal with it than to live in permanent fear of a certain person leaving you?
psychocandy
30-03-09, 09:49
Anyone heard from the OP, Alan?
Southern_Belle
30-03-09, 15:20
Alan,
Welcome to NMP. I agree with the others that you should go to your GP regarding your depression and perhaps counseling. I do hope your wife comes around and will talk to you so that your can let her know how you are feeling. Personally, I think 4 am is rather late but over here the bars close at 2 am so I don't know about where you live. I do think that her not talking to you isn't right either and hope things can be discussed. Wishing you nothing but the best and you will get support here.
Take care,
Laura
Captain America
30-03-09, 16:52
Alan,
I think if she'd go for it the two of you should consider couples counseling. I know you're blaming yourself for everything but as pointed out this is not just your fault here. If my wife was staying out till 4, I'd have a problem with it just as she did when I used to do it to her.
One thing to remember though, is that staying out late and drinking does not equal cheating, just as back home and in bed by 9 does not equal faithful. What's really the main thing here is that the two of you have a history or not communicating properly, and end up behaving agressively (when not passive agressively) toward each other rather than expressing things verbally. A counselor might help you two say what needs to be said without the other over reacting and things getting heated or blowing up too quickly.
In the past I've used what I called phone therapy. Even though we lived in the same house I found we could be more honest with each other over the phone. It seemed to work for us! We're still together and that was 3 years ago.
sunshine-lady
30-03-09, 22:52
Hi and welcome to NMP
So pleased that you have found us. I am sure you will like it here as there is so much help, information and support. There is a chat room which is a great place to make new friends
Take care xxx
psychocandy
31-03-09, 16:38
Alan,
I think if she'd go for it the two of you should consider couples counseling. I know you're blaming yourself for everything but as pointed out this is not just your fault here. If my wife was staying out till 4, I'd have a problem with it just as she did when I used to do it to her.
One thing to remember though, is that staying out late and drinking does not equal cheating, just as back home and in bed by 9 does not equal faithful. What's really the main thing here is that the two of you have a history or not communicating properly, and end up behaving agressively (when not passive agressively) toward each other rather than expressing things verbally. A counselor might help you two say what needs to be said without the other over reacting and things getting heated or blowing up too quickly.
In the past I've used what I called phone therapy. Even though we lived in the same house I found we could be more honest with each other over the phone. It seemed to work for us! We're still together and that was 3 years ago.
So why is the time she comes in important? As I said earlier, unless it affects something else (like plans for the next day) whats the big deal?
You said it yourself - "staying out late and drinking does not equal cheating, just as back home and in bed by 9 does not equal faithful"
Everyone has their own opinion which they are entitled to, whatever subject it may be about.
Captain America - Good post! :yesyes:
psychocandy
03-04-09, 16:12
Everyone has their own opinion which they are entitled to, whatever subject it may be about.
Captain America - Good post! :yesyes:
Exactly. Thats my point.
When I was having a bad time I found it even worse when people said things like 'I wouldnt let her do that' for things which some people found OK and some people objected to.
My point is that if you dont think its OK, then thats your personal preference, but remember that someone anxious/depressed is likely to pick up on the 'worst'.
For instance, if I explained what my wife was doing, 499 people might say its all OK, but I'd believe the one who said I wouldnt let my wife do that in case she had an affair !!!!
Actually if I were having marriage difficulties I wouldnt pay one bit of attention to what strangers on the net were saying! Its a very personal matter between 2 people and we also dont get to hear the other partners side of things.
I am not just going to say what people want to hear to make them feel better when I think the opposite. Its better to be honest whatever your opinion and if someone asks for my opinion then that is what they get. I would expect honest answers if I asked for someones opinion - not some false sugar coated reply to make me feel better.
Captain America
03-04-09, 17:27
psychocandy you're right, and i agree with you even if my post seems to contradict that. what you said about responsibility the next day is exactly what the problem is with coming in so late. it didn't used to be until we had children. i could come in at 7 for all she cared, and vice versa. but as we got older and late nights started taking their toll, we'd lay in bed all day and the other parent would have to do everything. it's not good for the kids either when they start to get a little older and don't understand why mommy's 'sick' again.
so yeah, the time thing was more about parental responsibility than the cheating aspect. and to be honest, odds are that someone coming in at 4 is a bit more loaded than the one who's home by midnight. it's not always true, but...
as far as the advice on here, it's true that a lot of the time anxious and depressed people only hear the negative. but this shouldn't be never never land either. part of recovery is acknowledging that bad things can and do happen, and it's sometimes harmful to fail to acknowledge that.
well sorry i think i've gone too far off point, and i haven't seen a post from alan on here in a while.
alan i hope you're getting through okay. sorry if we've gone on a bit here.
Captain America
03-04-09, 17:40
and ooops, i think i did it again.
i apologize in advance for this: "but this shouldn't be never never land either. part of recovery is acknowledging that bad things can and do happen"
that's just my opinion. results not typical, your mileage may vary, etc...
:roflmao: ha ha, yeah looks like alan may well have got sick of our advice and gone off to sort out his problems himself!:roflmao:
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.