View Full Version : The reasons... A story of hope and fear
Hello all! I hope my story will mean something to you, and you can use it to draw inspiration -- I also hope someone can help or at least reassure me!
It's long but I'll try not to bore you! :blush:
Making a victory out of defeat
I've always been prone to panic and fear. I used to get massive separation anxiety when I was little, to the point where I would cry and feel ill when I had to go to school. It's no wonder my teachers all went bald. I'm surprised my mum didn't.
Well anyway, until 2006 I was depressive, lost, alone and afraid, then I met a wonderful girl. My friendship with her gave me a new perspective on life and I went back into the world. I got a new job, I bought my beautiful 406 and spent thousands modding it, I started going on track days in my car, I just had fun, even though my new job was crap.
When the relationship ended after a year and a half it was tough and I spent a long time angry and alone. I didn't have any friends. I didn't like my job and I was falling out with my boss. I had no-one. Gradually I learned to love being on my own and my moods brightened slightly. Finally I became friends again with my ex.
Then I got in touch with an old schoolfriend on facebook. He is now my best friend, I adore the ground he treads on, even if he does do my head in. I met his girlfriend and their other friends. I had finally got myself a life! It can be done, even for a miserable loner!!
This year sucks
I was made redundant at the end of last year. December 2008 was THE BEST month of my life. I didn't have a single care, it was wonderful.
I went to stay with my ex and her family in France just after Xmas. I've never been abroad before, partly out of fear, partly because I love England so much. It took a lot out of me. I've never been on an aeroplane before and the landing in France scared me badly. Staying with my ex was weird cos I didn't know how to behave around her.
She brought up the subject of me getting a job and I instantly went into anxiety. My mood didn't improve for the rest of my stay in France. I was always tired and dizzy. To cap it all, while Britain was celebrating New Year, I was driving a bunch of strangers across France, to hospital, at midnight, in someone else's Land Rover! They drive on the wrong side of the road out there and we had to cross a 200 foot high bridge!
Since then things have turned bleak.
A friend of the family died 2 days after his 17th birthday. His funeral was attended by officers from HMS Rodney and HMS Kent and he had a naval cadet honour guard. It made it onto page 5 in a local newspaper. At the same time, a pretty girl died in a sledging accident and was on the national news and page 1 of the local and national papers. How's that for equality.
Jamie's death, and the huge number of people that turned up to the funeral, made me think about what I will leave behind if I unfortunately pop my clogs. It made me feel bad, cos I'm nearly twice his age and I've made no contribution compared to Jamie.
Two days after the funeral when I was hoping 2009 couldn't get any worse, my dad thought he was having a heart attack. I nearly fell over when I saw him; he'd gone ashen. My family were all out and I had to deal with everything.
By the time the rest of my family arrived at the hospital, six hours had passed, and I was completely beaten. It turned out to be just his oesophagus.
I haven't had the same outlook since that day. I feel like my whole world was shaken and nothing is the same, nothing is safe, even though my dad is fine.
About 3 weeks ago I decided to try dating. Instead of being happy and excited, I was terrified and nauseous 24/7! Talk about a lack of self-esteem!
The first date went well, but she was a bit of a stalker so I haven't seen her since. The second date was a blind date and I was going through hell, suffering from a level of anxiety I never knew before. Again, it went well, and when it was over the stress disappeared and I felt total bliss for the rest of the night.
But it seems the anxiety just got in and stayed there. It didn't go away. I was worrying about seeing the girl again. In the end we just stayed friends but it still nagged at me all week, then I started worrying that I'll never get a girlfriend etc, even though I don't really want one now!
The anxiety kept on going, culminating in a depression/anxiety attack that scared me to death. I have not felt like myself since then. I completely failed to deal with it. I haven't felt remotely depressed for over 2 years although I was very stressed by my crappy job.
My current problems (in order of severity)
* I'm scared of getting a job -- selling myself to a greedy company that will treat me like crap and maybe make me redundant, doing a job I hate or find boring. I'm scared of leaving the comfortable, easy life I am living now. I've got no swagger left.
* I get the most scared when I think about spending all day at home with nothing to do, feeling like crap. I'm afraid that I will waste my entire life sitting at home too scared to do anything, that I won't go anywhere, that I have been left behind.
* I don't like being alone any more because my mind seems to have turned against me. I have panic attacks and weird symptoms, and I am terrified I might become properly depressed. I am scared at the thought of spending long periods of time with nothing to do but feel anxious.
* I'm scared to death of all this weight I've lost, I'm terrified that I don't have much appetite and sometimes feel sick while eating. NONE of my other symptoms worry me as much as this. I'm always thinking about it.
There, I've finally said it. I can't believe how much grief this has caused me. I mean, I've got loads to do, people are always amazed how easily I can be occupied: I write stories, I am into cars, I love computers and computer games, I love listening to music and watching DVDs, I went out all the time, but since I've been anxious and panicky I haven't wanted to do anything. I love being at home, but it makes me miserable sometimes. Eat that, Freud.
I'm scared about being on antidepressants and feel that I have allowed things to get out of control. I'm frightened that if things get better, it will just be due to the pills, and when I come off them things will sink back again. Even now I've expressed ALL my fears, the anxiety is still pushing, trying to come back.
On the plus side
My relationship with my family has improved as I have become more polite, thoughtful, helpful and respectful. My driving has become a lot more cautious and my fuel economy has improved dramatically!
I've stayed social, I've done a car boot sale, I went to my sister's for a family meal on mother's day, I've been driving my dad around Yorkshire for his work, I see my mate regularly, so it's not like I am totally isolated.
I have blitzed my way through most of a computer course and only have 1 exam left to take. Should be another little aid to getting a job, when I finally dare to try.
Help!
My respect and gratitude to anyone who managed to read all that. I do feel slightly better for saying it. Please reply or PM me if you've got anything at all to say! I appreciate any help or advice you can give me!!
goingmadder
25-03-09, 14:17
Hey Poet,
On a light note, i think you're a good writer, your story was not at all boring, and didn't feel long.
I suffer from what i know have learned is General Anxiety Disorder and have done for 12 years. Finding this website just yesterday has been a godsend simply to see that there are others who feel and think as I do... i thought i was crazy.
Having read your story i'll try to put my point across in the same order.
1) You fear getting a job "incase you get made redundant, or they treat you like crap"
The way I would tackle this is to ask myself the following question. Whats the worst possible scenario if I were to be made redundant? Would I still be breathing? Yes Would I still have the ability to go get another Job? Yes. If i am treated like crap or if i were unhappy in my "new job" could i just hand in my notice and find another job? Yes
You sound like a very intelligent guy with a lot going for you although the anxiety is making your view of yourself and surroundings quite negative. Similar to what I do but on a differnt subject.
A job is just a job huny.. It doesnt define you by any means and it doesn't control you. We all have the freedom to change our minds at the drop of a hat and so in that sense we have nothing to fear.
2) You fear being at home with nothing to do or doing nothing with your life.
Later you list quite a few things that are keeping you occupied. There is nothing wrong with being at home and doing nothing unless there is something you would rather be doing. I was talking to a good friend yesterday who mentioned that he's noticed that we talk alot about what we're gonna do, where we wanna go what we want to accomplish but we don't actually get off our back sides and make attempts at doing any of it... We laughed about it in the moment but the reality is that "Living in Theory" is pointless. Perhaps you could write a list of all the things you would like to do, or learn or see and make a concious effort to tick each one off the list over time. It doesn't matter how long it takes... this rolls into to your third point about girlfriends...
3) never having a G/F even though you dont particularly want one right now... I think your experience of meeting g/fs as you mentioned left you quite anxious and tbh i would have felt the same. I think you place to much pressure on yourself hun... Perhaps on your "travels" as you go ticking off each of those things on your list that you want to do and learn and see etc you will be given many many opportunities to meet brand new people, and who knows perhaps one of those new people may be your next girlfriend.
These are all the practical issues you seem worried about
Then there are the physical and emotional points... This is where I have a lot of work to do myself but someone once told me you teach what you have to learn. I've read up a lot of info on here about Anxiety but also online in general, how it works, why it affects our emotions, how it affects our thought process's how this in turn becomes a vicious cycle.
In my case I've spent so long living the same pattern that my anxiety based thoughts become truths ... Having learned just a little bit about anxiety on here I have come to realise they are not in fact truths and that there are things i can do to regain control of my life.
i made a decision yesterday once and for all GAD will not control my life any longer. i will beat it, one anxiety attack at a time, one positive counter thought at a time until eventually i will be able to stop it in its tracks the minute i feel it starting.
We can do it hun! The fact that we're even on here discussing it proves we've had more than enough and we're gonna turn the tables on the nasty little bugger...
I've been readin about Cognitive behavioural Therapy which seem slike the best angle from which to tackle these issues but im also going to make an appointment with a psychotherapist who I know has helped others with similar and sometimes worse anxiety.
I would recomend that you do the same. Stand up and fight back ... we've only got one life. If a man walked in and told you he was gonna tie you to a chair and you were going to be his slave, you would never allow him to do it... you would fight him off and keep your freedom.. so dont let the GAD tie you to the chair... take back control on moment at a time.
I beleive you can do it, and i beleive I can do it and the same goes for all the other brave sould who have joined or visited this site.
PM any time you like...
Big hug!
Thank you, that's a wonderful reply :)
I would rather be doing anything than sitting here thinking about myself... I'm so tired though, and when you're tired you never feel like doing anything!
I'm gonna try and get more exercise for a start, but that brings me back to worrying about losing weight...
This vicious circle will be broken!!
Hi
You've been through a lot for sure and I think it's done you the world of good to let it all out on here. I can see you love writing and you are good at it.
The thing with you is that even though you are suffering with bad anx at the moment you are still very very upbeat and enthusiastic. You may not see this yourself but I can assure you it comes out in your posts.
You see, as I said to you before - I think you're doing really well. You have this good friend and you do get out and about and that's extremely positive.
The reasons you mentioned for not wanting to go back to work were not what I expected; I thought you were going to say that it just scares the living daylights out of you but you didn't. You talked about fear of being made redundant and something else.
Honestly, don't worry about the weight at the moment, as long as you are eating that's fine. As I told you before drink if you can't eat, nice milk shakes and Complan alright lol.xxx
You take care. I think you have a really good character by the way.
Thank you! :D
I have eaten more today than I have before. I even got two Pot Noodles in after a long abstinence.
I don't feel upbeat sometimes. It's all about taking advantage of your humour whenever it surfaces. In the end, humour and personality are the weapons we have to fight our fears.
freakedout
26-03-09, 00:47
PsychoPoet,
I am not good at giving advice but i can see that you have had some stressful experiences during the last few months which cannot help with the anxiety levels. I hope that you stick with the meds if they are helping. It doesn't mean that you will be on them forever and it doesn't mean you will plummet back into a depression when your Doc decides you are well enough to come off them. Just one word of advice though, don't try to quit meds without medical advice because it can make you feel really unwell.
You have some realistic fears but from what I can see you are trying to occupy your mind and getting out and about, mixing with others and dating which is good. It is so easy to become isolated and want to be alone when you feel anxious or depressed but then your world just gets smaller and smaller.
High levels of anxiety or stress wreaks havoc with my appetite too, I guess anything you manage to eat is better than nothing. Little and often would be good.
The good thing about this site is that people just seem to 'get it'. This anxiety and depression malarky, it can be so baffling and have such detrimental effects on us but there is usually someone here who can relate to how we feel. It is a great support network, I often just read posts because believe it or not I lack confidance to reply or doubt my opinions but when I am on a roll (like now) I will reply and hope I don't say anything out of line.
Keep on fighting,
Freaky
Danny_dingle
27-03-09, 10:50
Hey PsychoPoet,
It is uncanny how similar my experiences have been to yours, except I seem to be on the other side of the fence a lot of the time. I am having doubts about posting this, mainly because I don't want to flood your story with my own, but I know that after I read what your worries were I had a kind of epiphany; if you are an anxious person it doesn't matter what events occur in your life, or which side of them you are on, you will ultimately find something to focus the worry on, and as such it is not the events in our life that are the problems and we need to change, it is our own outlook and anxiety that need addressing and changing. One of my favourite lines that my counsellor said to me is 'you are not a human doing, you are a human being', which I thought made a lot of sense; it is not what we do in life that makes us, it is who we are. I took a lot a of comfort in that, and hopefully it will help you too. I really hope reading this helps you, even if it is just so that you know you aren't alone sweetie xxx
I too saw my Dad have what we all thought was a heart attack. As far as I was concerned, Dad was indestructable, so watching him in all that pain looking so panic stricken was the most horrific thing imaginable for me; I can completely hear your struggle with that, it is so frightening it is unbelievable. The worst part for me was that I wasn't allowed to go with family to hospital when he left in the ambulance. I thought Dad would die without me there and that was the last time I'd ever see him, and it was petrifying. Ridiculously enough, it turned out to be a pulled muscle in his chest. Dads can be such drama queens sometimes!
You said you never felt that same afterwards; I think that is because when you see someone who is your main protector since you were a child go through something like that it rocks you because it sort of brings home your own (and everyone else's) mortality and just generally the fragility of human life and as such it can be a very harrowing, and attituide changing, experience. I am not surprised that this would have made your panic surface, I know it did with mine. On the plus side, at least we can both be thankful that our Dads came out relatively unscathed, and if anything maybe we should take from the experience that, even when we think the worst is happening, and all the signs are there to prove it, there is always a bucketload of hope that everything will, infact, be OK. Maybe, when panic sets in over any symptoms we think/we are having, and we think something huge is wrong with us, we should try to remember that.
*Easier said than done, I know!*
As far as the job thing goes, I am currently stuck in a job I hate and daren't leave incase I can't find another one. As such I am now signed off for a month and on anti-depressants (hence my earlier post on your citalopram thread). Work is somewhere we spend a lot of time and, if you are in a position where you are coping alright without a job, you are best to just take your time and find something that really appeals, and not put so much pressure on yourself, because that won't be helping the anxiety. You say you have almost finished your computer course? Good on you, what an achievement! That will help you hugely, as you have said. So why not start browsing for a job using that? Or maybe it would help you to write down all the things that make you happy and that you enjoy, and see if you can incorporate these into a career choice? Maybe if you know you are entering into something that you have chosen because you think it will feel worthwhile and you will enjoy it, it won't feel so daunting. And, as 'Goingmadder' quite rightly pointed out, what's the worst that can happen? Usually jobs have a three month probationary period these days where you can literally turn around and say 'I don't like this' and leave with a day's notice, so if you don't like it, it won't matter!
As for the girlfriend thing, I know what you mean. The majority of my friends are male and very, very shy. They are all the loveliest people, but yet they find it very difficult and very daunting to meet girls. I will say to you what I say to them; you will find someone evetually, probably when you aren't even trying and when you least expect it, and when you do, they will really appreciate just how lovely you are. You can tell just from the way you write that you are a fun and caring person, and that will get you everywhere. Keep on dating, that is the way forward! And get out there; things like that car boot you did may seem trivial when put into this context but it is still a situation where you will be around people that are new to you, and who knows who you might meet! But try not to put pressure on yourself. If it doesn't work out with someone, then that's their loss, and you will find someone who thinks you are awesome soon enough, like most of my friends have!
Finally, the exercise thing. I know you are worried about weight loss but exercise builds muscle, and you may well find that it helps you to put it back on. Also, it will serve as a distraction to stop your anxiety getting worse, it will help you to build an appetite and it will make you more tired and will help you to sleep better. So all in all, I don't think you can go wrong! Maybe, if you are still worried, you should start small. You mention that you're in Yorkshire; there are masses of country walks around Yorkshire, why don't you start by going on one of them? It will be gentle, so you won't wear yourself out or see any drastic changes to your weight. Plus they are completely free, and if you are worried about the fact that you aren't eating much, why not take some cereal bars or something with you incase you do start to feel a bit lightheaded, then you know that if you need food, it's there.
Sorry for the essay, I really hope it has helped you out!
Take care,
Danny xxx
Ah bugger it, I typed an emotional reply to this thread and I pressed the wrong button or something! :mad:
Anyway, thank you so much for your replies. It's so good to hear positive things said to me and about me. I used to have issues where I was very negative about myself.
I hope that you stick with the meds if they are helping. It doesn't mean that you will be on them forever and it doesn't mean you will plummet back into a depression when your Doc decides you are well enough to come off them.
That's a big fear of mine. Hopefully by the time I come off them everything will be sorted.
The good thing about this site is that people just seem to 'get it'. This anxiety and depression malarky, it can be so baffling and have such detrimental effects on us but there is usually someone here who can relate to how we feel. It is a great support network, I often just read posts because believe it or not I lack confidance to reply or doubt my opinions but when I am on a roll (like now) I will reply and hope I don't say anything out of line.
So true. You should speak up more often cos you certainly made me feel better :yesyes:
Danny_Dingle, your mention of your dad is where I got emotional. You made me realise how bloody scared I was that I might lose my dad -- and worse, how scared I still am. We didn't even get on a couple of years ago but now we are like best friends. We go everywhere together. Ever since he had a problem with his eye I have driven him all over the place. He does talks and presentations for a living, day and night, and I come with him.
I now remember telling my brother how "morbid" I was feeling after Jamie died and my dad went into hospital.
You're right, our dads are still here. The world is not as cruel as it sometimes looks. There is joy and happiness for those prepared to accept it. :winks:
If you hate your job, well trust me having no money is worse, BUT if you hate your job so much that you had to get signed off then you need to start looking for another job. Is the job REALLY that bad, or could your attitude use some adjustment? That's not a criticism -- if you hate it and everyone else is ok with it, either it's not the job for you or you are reading too much into it :)
Thank you for your replies. I hope some of this is useful to others as well. Find the cause of your unhappiness and look it in the eye until it blinks.
goingmadder
30-03-09, 08:53
Hey Poet...
Loved your final line, find the cause of your unhappiness and look it in the eye until it blinks... HAHA... great stuff..
How you feeling today?
Danydingles reply was very good...lots of fnatastic points particularly about where the panic came from and also the exercise part as it will actually help your weigth to go up, muscle weighs more than fat...
I was doing great...had an amazing weekend with my Boyfriend, been totally in love and loving it.. wokr up this morning and the anxiety and negative thoughts/doubs seem to be trying to push its way back to the front... I'm trying hard not to let it overcome me ... one of my negtaive thoughts is quite worrying as last week my way of controlling the anxiety and thoughts was to remind myself "it's just the GAD" but one of my negtive thougths now is "what if its not the GAD what if GAD is just my excuse for being a horrible peron, a liar..." Mostly as I have said in other posts my doubt are always focused on relationships, off all types friends lovers family.. and My negative thoughts are all doubts about my feelings to the point that i convince myself that the mere fact that I have questioned it means I dont love them and therefore I am a huge fat liar that doesnt deserve their love... GRRRRR I hate it... I have spent the weekend with him and don't remember a time in my life where I have been happier or more in love than I am with him, yet today the thoughts and doubts and anxiety, the sickness, the panic are all desprately trying to break me!
I hope I can keep it at bay... I dont want to lose him...I can see myself (through all my madness) actually settling down with him, marrying him, having kids etc) which until i met him were things I never dreamed of, never wanted, and scared the crap out of me... Not so scared of it now, actually looking forward to spending my life with him... yet even as I write this my anxiety is screaming at me in my head "LIAR, EVIL" and more...
I'm sorry to waffle on but i felt like this was the only place i could come and let this out safely as I am at work at the moment and no one to talk to about it...
I hope ... no... i know this will pass, as it always does, but its so scarry in the moment and the thoughts seem so true although i also know they are not my truths!...
Thanks for listening, I hope everyone is having a better morning than me :)
love to all
x
Danny_dingle
30-03-09, 13:54
Hey Goingmadder,
I know exactly what you mean about the relationship thing, I have that too! Horrible, horrible feeling. All I can say to you about it is that you questioning your feelings towards someone does not necessarily mean you don't love them; it is simply your anxiety (and, hope you don't mind me being this presumptuous, but possibly low self-esteem or low self-worth) making you feel that you are a bad person and unworthy of other's love in return. The best thing you can do is carry on as you were, telling yourself it is just the anxiety, and enjoying the time you are with the loved ones, whether they be friends, family or your partner.
I have currently just got back together with a partner from 6 years ago who I absolutely adore and who assures me I won't lose him, but my anxiety does all sorts of horrible things to me when I am not with him making me feel guilty and as though I will do something to make him hate me and reject me, it is very frightening, and yet when I am with him I seem to forget everything and just feel happy.
I find the best way to stop myself dwelling on it is to either come on here to distract myself and reassure myself that it is just my anxiety, or get myself out of the house and go for a walk, or even just watch a film, sing or read. Anything that basically takes my mind away from it, then I wait until I see my counsellor and tell her everything I am worried about, because at least then I know she can comfort me professionally and the panic won't get out of hand.
Sorry for crashing your thread Psychopoet! Hope you don't mind!! And I hope that helps you a bit Goingmadder, you know where I am if you wanna chat (I check on here everyday!)
Take care everyone, keep taking the tablets haha! :P
Danny xxx
I hate to hear you two beating yourselves up as you have good personalities and seem like decent people.
Anyone is welcome to talk about whatever they want in my threads, I am making a real attempt to get over my problems by posting here and I want to see everyone else doing the same :D
Wow, it's been a hell of a time since I last posted in this thread. I've got so many threads on the go I feel like I'm taking over the NMP forums at the moment! What an attention whore :D
I think March 2009 is going to be remembered with fear as the "month from hell". Here I am a month and a half later and things have improved so much. I want to go into more details about my life story, hell I need to talk about it. There's so much I want to get off my chest, so much to sort out, and I can't dump it all on one person and I don't want to be blabbing about it in public at Mind.
It's like I couldn't see the wood for the trees when I started this thread. Now I am starting to see the whole picture. There is plenty that I missed in my first post, stuff I thought was irrelevant or forgot altogether. If I knew then what I know now, I could have started fixing myself at the end of March rather than the middle of May. Ah well, can't complain, hindsight is a bitch which trips everyone up.
I'm too tired to get into this now... I'll do it tomorrow at some point, I really will! I want to spend a while thinking about it and then post it so people can tell me what they think. Night all, I'm off to bed :)
I need to tell my life story now while I am feeling so good.
Part One: Childhood
As stated in my first post in this thread, I had a troubled childhood. I was never abused or mistreated or anything, I had everything I could ever want, it just seems that I was born with a personality defect that meant I was restless and unhappy. I fully believe that I would have been diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, known as ADD in the States) if that condition was known to exist back in the 1980s.
I felt so bad if I was separated from my home and specifically my mum. I felt traumatised when I started school and I used to cry all the time. I used to feel sick and anxious at the thought of going to school and this attitude carried on until I was 11 years old, at which point I was taken out of school and put into a special "unit" for disturbed kids where they were "adjusted" by receiving care and attention and then returned to school.
Most kids go there for several months. I was there for a year and a half. I was blissfully happy there and didn't want to leave. The people who ran the unit said my problems were mostly self-induced and my recovery would depend on whether or not I wanted to get better; if I did, I would recovery quickly and lead a normal life, if not, I would make an invalid of myself.
Maybe in some parallel reality I made the correct choice and now I'm married with kids and a mortgage. In this reality - the only one that matters - I am a drifter. If this were a film I would be headhunted by someone who knew how "gifted" I was and my life would change, I'd be whizzed to the top of a computer corporation and I'd be earning millions. Real life isn't like that -- you only get noticed if you're a pretty girl -- so I ended up on te scrap heap of life.
And it was by my own choice.
Some people are lucky enough to be able to get where they want to go by determination, personality and mental firepower. I could have been one of those people. I can be daring and cocky to the point of madness and it often works out for me. But I am usually too scared or unconfident and it goes tits-up or I don't try it.
I find that I am brighter than many people I have worked with included senior management yet I have always been afraid to succeed. Success scares me more than defeat -- maybe because the successful are challenged a lot more than losers and my confidence has never been very high. On the occasions my confidence does improve I can become arrogant.
I always had loads of friends as a child but I preferred to spend time on my computer, finding the ordered logic of a computer world fascinating and easy to understand and control, where the real world was unruly and dangerous and I often found other people hard to fathom.
I'll post part 2 later today.
AntiLove_SuperStar
17-05-09, 17:48
Um, Sir..I take issue with "you only get noticed if you're a pretty girl". Wha? How many women do you see (really) in high-powered positions? Even if you know about 10 personally, the bigger picture is pretty bleak..esp in IT world. Its slowly changing, but I found that a bit offensive.
Men - yes, its a generalization - get away with loads more in terms of looks.
That may come from the story of injustice RE your friend's death and that of a girl being reported unfairly and that isn't incomprehensible, but what you wrote isn't..kosher.
I am not looking to start a fight. I am using this thread to vent about personal feelings and experiences, this isn't the time or place to get into the wider social implications of what I have been through, I'm just trying to get stuff off my mind.
To get back to the story, I am keen to find out exactly why I am demotivated much of the time and why I used to prefer to play on my computer even when I wanted to go outside and be with friends and family. I used to isolate myself a lot, I didn't go out when my family went out for the day, I spent a lot of time on my computer or generally lazing around. It was as if I lacked a kind of energy that other people had.
I've always been like this to an extent. Even today I find myself not wanting to do things -- I prefer to sit around on my own or with friends using a computer. I never viewed this as much of a problem before but now I recognise the same sense of "paralysis", which I thought was caused by depression, has actually been with me my whole life.
I always feel as if I've got a mountain of problems and a mountain of things to do. It's like a small problem casting a large shadow: often I haven't even got much to worry about and my brain somehow "dramatises" everything. Does anyone else get that?
I'm gonna pop in to Mind tomorrow I think, just to have another venting session, as speaking to their staff has been very helpful -- say, 85 out of 100, with 100 being totally effective, and citalopram being 35 out of 100.
I'll carry on with my life story later as there is a lot for people to take in. If you have read this far, please post any thoughts, they are welcome and they are needed!!
I realise this is a tough thread but I really need someone to help me out if they can, I am not going to see my counsellor until the end of this week and I need someone to encourage me or give me their perspective!! Someone else out there MUST have been going through the same or similar problems to me!
I don't talk to friends or family about this stuff, that's why I come here and visit Mind, please help me!
I am trying to find a way to make my posts shorter but literally every sentence I write has something important in it!!
goingmadder
18-05-09, 12:02
Hey Pscho...
Take a breath huny! I will too... 1 2 3 and relax...
I have had similar thoughts about looking into the past and trying to understand it.
What you said about preferring to sit at home on the comp as a kid sounds familiar... My 8year old daughter is doing that now...
My theory is this... People like you, me and my eldest daughter have always found it hard to relate to people our own age.. Not so much now but the damage is done... As kids however age gaps are far more obvious, physically and mentally... our mental age as i suspect was older than our actual age so relating to other children was difficult.
I'm going to take stab at something here... I may be wrong or you may not even have ventured into this to know.. but do you find you are a creative person..more so than average...? I ask because in my experience, creative people seem to suffer more from anxiety ... It is just my theory but way I see it is a creative mind fules an already overactive imagination and so we find it easier than most to creat images ...also our mind creates intrussive thoughts at a much deeper faster level...
If you are creative USE it..if you haven't figured it out then start... Paint, write poems, songs, stories, sculpt, pick an instrument and learn to play it.. anything.
I think as with myself you have a low opinion of yourself,.. you say you had a good childhood, but are you looking at it from your own perspective or are you making that call using other peoples terribly sad stories for comparison?
Just because to others your child hood may have seemed better or helathier doesn't mean to say it was... How we perceive our childhood is what counts... for example, i remember my mum being angry A LOT, smaking me a lot... I dont remember hugs and kisses, i don;t remember feeling proud...
One thing i will say is that although our past may have shaped who we are today, it is only becuase we have allowed it too... and if we do not like who we are right now we have the power to create ourselves ... choose the best version of yourself you can think of and be that person...don't let your past control your futrue happiness life is too short...
You have a lot of things going for you.... Focus on them... Meditate, and learn to love yourself!! You are a wonderful person and your past does not own you!
You have strength courage and wisdom, you have love and honur and are totaly deserving og the samr from all that know you
Chin up!!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I am not looking to start a fight. I am using this thread to vent about personal feelings and experiences, this isn't the time or place to get into the wider social implications of what I have been through, I'm just trying to get stuff off my mind.
To get back to the story, I am keen to find out exactly why I am demotivated much of the time and why I used to prefer to play on my computer even when I wanted to go outside and be with friends and family. I used to isolate myself a lot, I didn't go out when my family went out for the day, I spent a lot of time on my computer or generally lazing around. It was as if I lacked a kind of energy that other people had.
I've always been like this to an extent. Even today I find myself not wanting to do things -- I prefer to sit around on my own or with friends using a computer. I never viewed this as much of a problem before but now I recognise the same sense of "paralysis", which I thought was caused by depression, has actually been with me my whole life.
I always feel as if I've got a mountain of problems and a mountain of things to do. It's like a small problem casting a large shadow: often I haven't even got much to worry about and my brain somehow "dramatises" everything. Does anyone else get that?
I'm gonna pop in to Mind tomorrow I think, just to have another venting session, as speaking to their staff has been very helpful -- say, 85 out of 100, with 100 being totally effective, and citalopram being 35 out of 100.
I'll carry on with my life story later as there is a lot for people to take in. If you have read this far, please post any thoughts, they are welcome and they are needed!!
mate I think your posts are top. I feel a lot of similarities with our conditions. For example when you talk about your paralysis and being stuck in front of a computer...thats me all over. I guess I suddenly realised that my problems needed attention so i visited the docs a few weeks ago and here I am.
Like you if im not worrying about something its almost as if it doesnt feel right...its like I must be worrying about something otherwise im not living my normal life...this has got to stop!!
I was badly bullied during my later teens...I mean real nasty stuff. Fireworks through the letterbox...my car being completely trashed...had the crap beaten out of me many times...police and school did SFA. So during my most important years I lived in constant fear of my own safety...this has Im sure led to my depression and anxiety problems that I have at this point in my life...its affected everything my ability to build relationships...
This also scares me. I want to find my soul mate im 34, I want to be a dad at some point in the future..everyone needs someone special right? It scares me that unless I can overcome my problems I will never be able to settle down with a nice girl and have a family etc.
goingmadder
18-05-09, 15:15
mate I think your posts are top. I feel a lot of similarities with our conditions. For example when you talk about your paralysis and being stuck in front of a computer...thats me all over. I guess I suddenly realised that my problems needed attention so i visited the docs a few weeks ago and here I am.
Like you if im not worrying about something its almost as if it doesnt feel right...its like I must be worrying about something otherwise im not living my normal life...this has got to stop!!
I was badly bullied during my later teens...I mean real nasty stuff. Fireworks through the letterbox...my car being completely trashed...had the crap beaten out of me many times...police and school did SFA. So during my most important years I lived in constant fear of my own safety...this has Im sure led to my depression and anxiety problems that I have at this point in my life...its affected everything my ability to build relationships...
This also scares me. I want to find my soul mate im 34, I want to be a dad at some point in the future..everyone needs someone special right? It scares me that unless I can overcome my problems I will never be able to settle down with a nice girl and have a family etc.
Hey Str33...
I'm so sorry you had to go through all of those terrible experiences.. and like you I too have the "if i'm not feeling par then theres something wrong" Sometimes i go a couple weeks without any real anxiety and then kaboom it swallows me whole like Gepettos boat!
You're comment about finding a soul mate.. huny you don't need to be cured of all of your anxiety to put yourself out there.. You're right everyone wants to have someone special but something we all need to learn and remember is that love is desiarable but not essential... If you desire it find it and don't let you're anxiety or fear that you will be rejected because of your anxiety stop you...
You're soulmate is out there and a true soulmate will stick by you through thick and thin... You sound like a lovely person excited about the possibilities the future holds... Well done for going to the docs and taking steps to improve your circumstances...
If you want some extra help have a read of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies... It is truly insightful ...sorry if i mentioned the book already in my last post but i can't stress enough how clever that little book is..
You and I and psycho and everyone here deserve Love and Respect and Caring... We do not deserve to live in fear, in pain, in sadness or anxiety... But we have been... If we want it to stop we must choose this...
We are strong individuals but we consider ourselves weak... Weak people would not survive half the things we have... We have soldiered through years of unfair treatment, abuse, neglect, rejection, sadness depression, the lot and we're all STILL STANDING... for that we should all be giving ourselve a well deserved PAT ON THE BACK...
I am sick to death of feeling like S**T, of worrying, or panicking, of feeling guilty, of feeling shame, I feel sometimes like a split personality cos the other half of me is so full of life, so ready to take on the world, always pulling others out of their dark places, always being positive and bubbly..
Perhaps I overcompensate for the side of me that feels unworthy of love, respect, caring, affection...
I have anew boyfriend, i say knew however we've been together only 2 months and its been the most amazing eye opening experience of my life.. Today im having a bad anxiety day so i feel like im lying when i say I love him more than i have loved any other, we are crazy about eachother, my kids love him he loves the kids we've had long discussions about eachothers issues, we discussed how to handle the bad times.. I am looking forward to moving in with him and starting our journey... we've spoken of marriag, and children.,.. something i have never done with a partner before...
i hav had a lot of relationships but nothing like this.. i have lived with people before, but nothing like this... He is my soulmate!
My fear is that my anxitey and intrussive thoughts force me to question the love qestion my feelings second guess myself.. it triggers and i can't stop it all i can do is ride it out... for now...
I hope you find your soulmate, and peace!
Big hug
Thanks for the replies in this thread, I was beginning to think I was on my own, I feel reassured now :D
I have spent a few hours today sorting things out. I have read through some old stuff I wrote in an early attempt to deal with my problems, and I have been able to tear quite a bit of it up, which was a very empowering feeling :)
I also logged into my online CBT course for the first time.
Part of me worries that I am spending too much time thinking about all this stuff... the other part of me says that I have issues that have always needed resolving, so it's better that I spend a few days of my life getting it dealt with so that I can spend the rest of my life free of them. It's better to be working through them rather than worrying about them.
I have been doing other stuff today, some hobbies. If it wasn't raining, and if my best mate wasn't staying out of touch, I could have spent the afternoon with friends.
I feel like I'm making positive progress in some ways and I am glad I have brought so many issues to light. Many of them are connected to the same basic problems. I have been confused by the results of my CBT tests which show I am suffering from severe anxiety but no or mild depression? That's thrown me a bit.
What a lovely post. and thankyou for taking the time to write this.
I guess your right about finding your soulmate etc. I guess my anxiety always comes in the way of me approaching women in the first place. Without sounding vain or big headed Ive been told Im a good looking bloke etc..but this still doesnt give me any kind of self asteem to go up and approach girls etc...I always think once she gets to know me she'll think Im a great big wuss whos a big scaredy cat anxiety freak who will drive her crazy...so I guess I blow any of my own self esteem and confidence with my own anxiety....
This of course leads onto my loneliness problem...I only have a couple of close friends and they live quite far away so I never have anything to do at the weekends or during the evening after work. I fill my time with odd jobs around my flat cleaning my car or going shopping and stuff....not that great for meeting people, but I guess its my anxiety which is the main stopper...ok I'll shut up now lol
and thanks again for writing that it really helped...although I must say after just writing this Ive probably made myself more down..lol what am I like!
although I must say after just writing this Ive probably made myself more down..lol what am I like!
I get that sometimes when I confront my negative feelings head on, don't worry so much about that mate, it's like aggravating an old wound be examining it.
Loneliness and lack of confidence are two of my main problems as well... a pity they are not very easy to cure, otherwise nobody would suffer anxiety or depression, at least not for long!!
yeah your definitely right there mate. my loneliness is my own fault ie its down to my anxiety that I dont have many friends or a gf
I suppose ( and I guess millions of other people do this too) I wonder whos gonna be interested in a bloke like me...someone who has an anxiety disorder...not much life other that his job...I always think that cant be an attractive to the opposite sex
Anyways whinge woe is me over!...for now :)
Been there myself mate, don't ever think you're the only one to feel that way! I used to be terribly lonely until I got in touch with my current best mate on Facebook. Now I'm always hanging out with him and his girlfriend, and no I don't usually feel like the gooseberry lol!
I'm willing to bet there are more interests in your life than work and worrying... what kind of hobbies have you got? Maybe you could make a thread of your life story, I'm the in the middle of working on mine and it can be incredibly enlightening.
Hi Str33tb0y :)
You sound like a really nice person and I am sure that eventually you will meet someone, who will like you for you - anxiety or no anxiety - and if someone truly likes/loves you they will hopefully be there for you when you are anxious.
It sounds like you have been through quite a lot in the past but that does not mean you can't have a happy future and have all of those things that you want.
Just because we have anxiety does not mean that we cannot have the same types of relationships that people with no anxiety have.
You say you feel lonely - have you tried joining the gym? an evening class? do you have any interests which could lead you to meeting other people as in joining a club? maybe spending a few hours at the weekend doing voluntary work? Do you do any socialising through work? Have you considered online dating?
Please dont be so hard on yourself - you sound like a nice guy and I am sure there are loads of women who would like to get to know someone like you. :)
Hi Poppy
Aww thats such a nice thing to say thankyou, its been ages since anyone has wrote anything like that about me...it actually made me feel good about myself...im sure it wont last long lol!
I have tried the internet dating thing..and thats where I met last said gf...if im honest i found the whole internet dating thing a bit weird..i met a few girls but they didnt seem anything like there profiles..I guess i was too honest on mine!
Im toying with the idea of going speed dating...although Im not sure I can handle that i can just see me having a great big panic attack right there in front of all these lovely ladies lol.:blush:
And physco...your right I do have a few things that im quite good at the just tend to me a bit indiviual..i love djing..house music in particular...also i spend time watching my footy team.. like you im well into my cars as well..
As for writing a life story it sounds like a really good idea..im gonna give that a go I think
cheers dude :)
Str33tboy, I would never had had the guts to try internet dating... I went on a couple of dates not long ago and I found them harrowing, even though they went well. Blind dating is too stressful for me!
I spent hours this afternoon trying to sort my head out, trying to organise myself so that I could fight back against my problems. I was still treating depression as the main problem.
As it happens, I signed up to the online cognitive behavioural therapy, and literally within five minutes of joining I had already made a major discovery, one that has changed the way I will be dealing with my problems. The CBT tests diagnosed severe anxiety and very mild depression. I have spent months fearing depression only to realise that it isn't even the real problem. When I look back over the last few months I realise this is true. I have been depressed but not badly; my anxiety has been almost crippling.
I could have saved myself a lot of work and a few assumptions if only I'd signed up to that CBT course as soon as I found it. I haven't even got into the course yet and there has already been a major revelation!
I will continue my other work and I will finish my life story as there are still things to sort out and I still need to beat my anxiety and depression. I'm getting on with it :)
I'm still working on my "life story" and I have been writing loads of stuff down that I want to talk about, but I am becoming obsessed with my problems and it is affecting my quality of life.
Does anybody else find their problems become like their "hobby" with them always talking, thinking and writing about it?
I'm going to try to have a break from all this soul-searching. It's giving me a headache. I think it might be making my anxiety worse. Maybe this is another sign of my recovery: talking about my problems used to help, now I just want to forget them and do something else!
yeah I know what you mean mate sometimes I think I over analyse everything..sometimes its gets so bad I feel like my head is going to go pop!
I think it depends on our mood. Sometimes I want to soul search and I over analyse everything to death and then other times I think 'OMG I am sooo boring', just get on with it, more action, instead of talking & thinking about it, just get on with your life, others have it far worse' and then later I will relapse again :wacko:
I know I have bored my partner to death - no wonder I never see him lol
I think it is good to spend time thinking about our problems but not too much time as like you said, Poet, we can become obsessed with it.
I am obsessed with this site! I can't stop logging on and reading what the latest posts are :wacko: Its really addictive.
What we need to keep in mind is that there's nothing wrong with needing to vent, even if we keep going over the same things again and again. Nothing is bad as long as it makes you feel better.
I've simply reached the point where I feel it's time to stop talking about my problems and do something else for a while. I want to stop before I become completely obsessed, but most of all I want to stop because it's time.
I'll probably want to start again in a couple of days -- if so, that's fine, so long as it helps me recover and doesn't become destructive in any way (e.g. it doesn't become a "comfort trap" or a full-blown obsession).
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