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hurtslilgirl
04-08-05, 08:25
Hi. My name is Jennifer and I am hurt's daughter. Umm I am adopted and I live with hurts father, my grandfather in arkansas. All my life I grew up with problems and it caused me to have bipolar and borderline personality disorder.

So I guess I should start like my dad did huh? From the beginning.

When I was around 5 I remember getting calls from my real dad. I never really understood who he was, but I just knew that something wasn't right in my family. Then something happened that changed my life forever. I was at my home and someone came in and raped me. I can't say who. It hurts too much to say who and if I did it would cause a lot of problems with my dad. So I won't, but from then on I had a lot of problems with my body. Anyways, I also had and still have low self esteem. I was ridiculed all my life by friends and family. Other kids at school used to make fun of me all the time. I am overweight and I suffer from polycystic ovarian syndrome which makes loosing weight a big problem for me. So that never helped. As time went on the teasing and ridiculing only got worse, especially from my own family. I was called a bitch almost every day of my life. My adopted mother let me know quite often that I was a mistake and noone wanted me. I was told that noone would ever love me and that I was worthless. They even said that people thought I was hideous. That is when I really started having problems in public. School started getting worse. I hated being around the people, but somehow I made it through with a few minor problems. I had a few panic attacks due to being in large crowds during lunch and pep rallies, but they were never more than that. Then I started college. I made friends and things were fine until I was raped again. I didn't even bother fighting the guy who did it because I liked his cousin. They used me for the worst of things. It was then that I started smoking pot and drinking all the time. I remember getting back to my dorm at night reeking of weed and booze, but I didn't care. It hid the pain and helped me sleep at night. Over a period of just 3 months I was an alcoholic. At least I was told that I was. I was drinking every night. I was sneaking alcohol into my best friends dorm room so we could get completely blasted. I don't remember a night during that time when I wasn't drunk. Unless my parents were around and then I acted sweet and innocent as I could to make them leave me alone. I goofed off and ended up dropping out of college. I never completed a semester my whole year there and it sucked. But yeah, I refused to go to classes because of all the students. I hated eating in the cafeteria or even going for a walk. I just stayed in my room and slept or played on the computer. I couldn't get hurt that way. To this day I still get panic attacks. I hate going to the mall by myself or even to the movies if something popular is playing. It tears me up inside. I have a hard time trusting people. I had to learn how to trust my real dad all over again. He disappeared for 9 years of my life. I remember so many times when I would tell myself it was because I wasn't a good enough daughter and he didn't really love me, but I know better now and it helps...sometimes. I spent most of my teen and what little of an adult life I have had in depression because of one thing or another. I have attempted suicide over 30 times. I was and sometimes still am a cutter, though I am trying to stop. But I guess I should get done with this now.

Sarah-Jane
04-08-05, 10:24
again i dont know what to say...except im thinking of you xxxxxx

Love & Hugs from Sarah-Jane xxxx

seh1980
04-08-05, 12:01
You have been through so much and I'm glad that you have found us. We will all do what we can to offer you support. :)

"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal

lainey
04-08-05, 12:06
Hi there

Welcome to the site, we are all here to help and support you through this and help you on the road to recovery, you are not alone now.


Take care

Elaine x

Peru83
04-08-05, 13:05
WELCOME

Sorry to hear all that you have been through, but as Elaine said now that your hear your not alone.

Take Carexx

Claire

"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"

pinkscrumpy
04-08-05, 13:36
You have been through so much in such a short time. We are all here to support you. You are now amoung people you can trust and will support you

Lots of love

MANDIE XX

hurtssomuch
04-08-05, 14:42
oh hell jenni im am so sorry i left you there, i thought you would be better off there than with me, i didnt talk to you for those years because i was so ashamed of what happened to me with sue and her kids, the whole town treated me as though i was some sich twisted pervert for being accused, but no one cared when i was foung inosent, god there are so many feelings in side of me right now, i love you baby, and you are right not to tell me who did this to you, i would kill them, im trying to think who it could have been, phillip, doug, grandpa kidd, could be dad i no that, oh baby i am soooooo sorry, i wish i could take it all cback, i wish i could make all the hurt go away, i wish i was there with you, but stop blaming yourself please, blame me, you were my baby, everything that happened to you is not your fault, it is more my fault then yours, and i am soooo sorry, i will call you tomorrow honey, i promiss this time, i have been feeling so bad lately, but this forum has helped me, the poeple here are good the best, and i will find a way to make up for being a bad father i swear, and if you ever want to tell me who in dads house raped you, think very hard about it, i want to do what ever i can to help you, but you need to be slow wuith me i do not no how i will handle it, but i want yoiu to no you can tell me anything you need to, and i will be there for you. i love you soo much jenni, and i am soo sorry. please forgive me.

clickaway
04-08-05, 14:45
Hi

I was sorry to read your story, but I hope we will be able to offer you some comfort here.

Are there are any support groups in your neighbourhood that would mean you could meet 'safe' people with common or related issues?

Take Care,

Ray



Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker

hurtslilgirl
04-08-05, 15:15
Its ok daddy. I don't blame you for what he did to me and I never will. Its not your fault or my fault what he did. He is just...sick. That is why I am keeping you away from him. I don't want you to do anything to him. Please when you come out here to see me, don't do anything. Stay away from him for me? You aren't the only one that left me out here you know. Mom did too. I told her and all she did was tell me she was sorry it had happened. She never cried or anything, but you did. And I am sorry I told you. Somewhat sorry I guess. I wanted to be able to tell you in the future when you weren't hurting so much, but this just seemed like the easiest way for me. If I would have told you myself I only would have started crying. I almost did this morning on the phone. I spent close to 10 years of my life to forget what happened to me and now I can't forget. With time I know I will. My therapist is trying to help me. He really is. EMDR is hard to deal with though and the only other thing he could try is actually triggering the memories and making me flood my mind with them, but we talked about that and the possibilities of what it could do and it turned out not being the best of solutions for me. I love you daddy. I really do. I don't want you to think any of this is your fault. You didn't make him do that. You didn't give him those thoughts or whatever. I love you.

nomorepanic
04-08-05, 18:39
Hi Jennifer

Welcome aboard the forum. Sorry to hear about what you have been through in your life.

I really hope that you can sort things out with your dad as it seems like you both want to.

Good luck with it all.

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

alexis
04-08-05, 18:44
Hi Jennifer, welcome to the site, love Alexis,xx

Meg
04-08-05, 18:52
Jenni,

Glad you are now wanting to try to get over these past issues and make the next chapter of your life a happier one.

Your Dad is certainly trying to do the same so I hope that both individually and together you can make progress and start to gently move on..

Meg

sal
04-08-05, 19:10
Hi Jenni

That is such a sad story and you can hear it coming from you heart along with the reply from your dad. I wish you both the best and hope in time you can build a strong relationship and help each other move forward.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".