pi_panic
27-03-09, 21:54
Hello again,
I've posted from time to time, and you guys (and gals) have helped me out.
First of all, I suffer from anxiety (whom among us doesn't?)
I'm 35, male, fairly good health.
I've had palps since the age of 15, ventrical fib (or something), so far nothing serious. Maybe one a day or two at most - unless going through a rough time. Sometimes none for weeks.
I have a fear of dying, (it's even difficult to write and i expect to get a fib or two during this missive)
It's really bad now, interfering with my daily activities. I often just have to take Xanax and sleep - no quality of life.
In 2001, (January) I got this notion in my head that I was going to die on 4/11 - it persisted daily and I was so sure it was going to occur that on April 11th of 2001 I stayed home all day, and barely moved out of fear - sounds silly right?
Well then came 9/11 and I was just a block away from the World Trade Center, and if I had followed my first inclination (to run closer and help) I may well not be here, instead my natural anxiety (and having gone thru so much anxiety that year already) I ran the other way..and here i am.
I'm a visual designer and 4/11 and 9/11 look very similar and it was always the number i was seeing in my head. so although obviously it's all made up in my head i can't help thinking there's some connection.. No i am not normally like this.
Well fast forward 8 years, I still avoid 411, I won't take a flight if it has those numbers, and I will admit I'm pretty cautious about those numbers in sequence. I play it off as 'unlucky numbers' - I currently live in Asia and many people have and accept the unlucky number thing.
However last year I got another number/notion 12:32 in my head - and so now every damn day, twice a day at 12:32 i have anxiety leading up to the time, and i stand around waiting to drop dead. After it passes (giving a few min for incorrect time) I feel a huge sense of relief.
12:32pm is lunchtime, and 12:32am is when I'm out at the bars - so both are prime candidates. Lately when 12:32 or 4:11 (rarely) come around I've started getting a single palp - even when I don't actually know the time - sure enough I'll look down and it will be 12:32.. I think internally I know it's lunchtime, will look at my watch and my body can sense the time.
Now my life is much less stressful and i'm taking better care of my body but i'm afraid to do anything, afraid to exercise as i'll drop dead, afraid to eat big meals (or eat enough) as it will bloat my stomache (IBS) and give me palps, afraid to drink, and afraid to make any sudden moves.
If you asked me how many times a day i'm currently waiting to die - i'd say in any given hour i think about it 3 times, should i lay in the bed with only a towel as someone will find me dead like this, and a million stupid thoughts like this.
I do things that tell me my heart is pretty good - like have strenuous sex, and have worked out a few times for 30 min on the elliptical - and no problems, still alhtough i am reassured for a day or two the fear creeps back in.
I literally walk around afraid of fear, afraid of palps, afraid of time..
Besides telling me that i'm nuts (thanks) is there anyone else that shares this? or has heard of this phenomenia, or can offer any suggestions?
I'm reading alot of self help books now that tell me i'm in control of my thoughts - but my big fear is that i will make myself sick or make myself have a heart condition just because i'm always focused on it. Other than drugs are there any treatments?
I know i should go to the hospital and get a full physical checkup (haven't since 2003) however i am terrified of doctors, can't let them check my pulse or blood pressure and generally just so anxious i avoid them at all costs.
Thanks for your support/suggestions
I've posted from time to time, and you guys (and gals) have helped me out.
First of all, I suffer from anxiety (whom among us doesn't?)
I'm 35, male, fairly good health.
I've had palps since the age of 15, ventrical fib (or something), so far nothing serious. Maybe one a day or two at most - unless going through a rough time. Sometimes none for weeks.
I have a fear of dying, (it's even difficult to write and i expect to get a fib or two during this missive)
It's really bad now, interfering with my daily activities. I often just have to take Xanax and sleep - no quality of life.
In 2001, (January) I got this notion in my head that I was going to die on 4/11 - it persisted daily and I was so sure it was going to occur that on April 11th of 2001 I stayed home all day, and barely moved out of fear - sounds silly right?
Well then came 9/11 and I was just a block away from the World Trade Center, and if I had followed my first inclination (to run closer and help) I may well not be here, instead my natural anxiety (and having gone thru so much anxiety that year already) I ran the other way..and here i am.
I'm a visual designer and 4/11 and 9/11 look very similar and it was always the number i was seeing in my head. so although obviously it's all made up in my head i can't help thinking there's some connection.. No i am not normally like this.
Well fast forward 8 years, I still avoid 411, I won't take a flight if it has those numbers, and I will admit I'm pretty cautious about those numbers in sequence. I play it off as 'unlucky numbers' - I currently live in Asia and many people have and accept the unlucky number thing.
However last year I got another number/notion 12:32 in my head - and so now every damn day, twice a day at 12:32 i have anxiety leading up to the time, and i stand around waiting to drop dead. After it passes (giving a few min for incorrect time) I feel a huge sense of relief.
12:32pm is lunchtime, and 12:32am is when I'm out at the bars - so both are prime candidates. Lately when 12:32 or 4:11 (rarely) come around I've started getting a single palp - even when I don't actually know the time - sure enough I'll look down and it will be 12:32.. I think internally I know it's lunchtime, will look at my watch and my body can sense the time.
Now my life is much less stressful and i'm taking better care of my body but i'm afraid to do anything, afraid to exercise as i'll drop dead, afraid to eat big meals (or eat enough) as it will bloat my stomache (IBS) and give me palps, afraid to drink, and afraid to make any sudden moves.
If you asked me how many times a day i'm currently waiting to die - i'd say in any given hour i think about it 3 times, should i lay in the bed with only a towel as someone will find me dead like this, and a million stupid thoughts like this.
I do things that tell me my heart is pretty good - like have strenuous sex, and have worked out a few times for 30 min on the elliptical - and no problems, still alhtough i am reassured for a day or two the fear creeps back in.
I literally walk around afraid of fear, afraid of palps, afraid of time..
Besides telling me that i'm nuts (thanks) is there anyone else that shares this? or has heard of this phenomenia, or can offer any suggestions?
I'm reading alot of self help books now that tell me i'm in control of my thoughts - but my big fear is that i will make myself sick or make myself have a heart condition just because i'm always focused on it. Other than drugs are there any treatments?
I know i should go to the hospital and get a full physical checkup (haven't since 2003) however i am terrified of doctors, can't let them check my pulse or blood pressure and generally just so anxious i avoid them at all costs.
Thanks for your support/suggestions