jonnyboy99
28-03-09, 02:19
I had a really good night last night. Felt no anxiety, was calm and felt happy. I was laughing and listening and talking. I had a friend over whom understands me and is comforting. And then this morning I felt terrible. Panic and anxiety set in right when I woke up and stuck with me pretty much all day. My heart is pounding. I feel weak in the knees and hands. Sweating, racing thoughts and an overall feeling of impending doom. I try and tell myself its anxiety , but no matter what I think, my brain tells me its something different . I try and try and cannot make myself feel better. I just try and sleep and hope that I wake up feeling normal again. But then I sleep, wake up and its still there. I don’t know if the meds are not working or am I gonna be like this for the rest of my life. I was scared to go to sleep last night. I felt like its was my last day on this planet and didn’t want it to end. And of course, it did. Why cant I stay feeling like I did last night? Why does this have to be this way for me? I have shut out my friends and family and cant even see my own 6 year old son. Ty is my life, my boy, a part of me that is so innocent and healthy. He does not deserve to have a father who is like this. He deserves a normal father like Lyndon or Rob. I cant take him to the park or skating or anything at all. It is ruining me. I just want to be a normal man. I cant eat properly, I cant work properly, I cant function in my everyday life. It is ridiculous. I constantly think I am dying or that these feelings I have will stay with me forever. I could not live with these feelings. Death would be better. I don’t wish this disorder upon anyone. I sometimes wish I had an actual physical illness. Then people would understand better. They cant understand my feelings and my state of mind when to them, I look normal and healthy. When in reality , I am in a constant battle in my mind. Sometimes I cant even cry. Like I have no emotions. I want this to go away. And fast. I am gonna lose everything and anyone that loves and cares about me. And this disorder is so evil , that it will give me 8 hours of peace and greatness, and then take it all away from me!!