oh dear

[kid a]

Hey folks.

I just need to spout off.

Today has been awful, I went to see a counselor last month who said I just need to get my confidence back. I was annoyed at myself for not being able to articulate how I felt and that I made a lot of effort to appear “normal”.

I can go out and not feel any stress or anxiety but I feel numb. If I go to the shops or out for a meal, just numb. I’m also having to consciously think about the order in which I do things when I get up, from shaving to doing my teeth, nothing is coming naturally and its very frustrating.

I had these feelings years ago and they started to go when I stopped hanging round with mates I felt uncomfortable with. I had other mates who I saw but this one group I felt like I belonged to as I had become a part of that group. It annoys me now to think back how many years I wasted feeling uncomfortable and that I didn’t have the strength to break away. It made me doubt my own actions and I became very depressed.

I know I have good mates, a great family, a good reference from my last job, I know I have a lot going for me but I am getting very depressed. At the moment, I can’t connect with anyone, people talk to me and I don’t know what to say, again, numb.

I have been feeling like this since April. I am sure I’ve already mentioned this in my intro a while back, but last October I was fine, really confident and enjoying life and just like before, I am now not trusting myself. I basically put off some important things because I was afraid I would not be able to cope if they went wrong.


Six months of procrastination and then at the end of March, making a decision that I wouldn’t be able to, caused the “switch to flip”, being afraid not really of anything, but of myself. I know that may sound weird but that’s the only way I can describe it.

I know this is irrational but I now doubt (or in my mind right now, know) that I will ever be able to succeed in life.

[kirgray]

hi kid a I havent spoke to you before but youve replied to my post and youve made me feel alot better that you have also experienced something similar to myself, I understand the things not coming naturally I feel like I have to make sure I am doing things right and then I feel like I look odd and I may not be doing it right such as the way I hold my arms the way im walking and so on, half the time my body does not feel my own.....I am scared to death of the future and what it holds but you WILL suceed hun you have alot to give and people around you who care focus on the small things around you even something like how beautiful a flower looks, get back to appreciating the small things and all the while hold your head up high...feel free to pm me take care X

[kid a]

Thankyou.

[kid a]

Went to the docs today to see my counsellor again, the first thing he said was wow you've lost weight which i hadnt realised. We talked and he was concerned that I was getting very low so he's suggested going on anti depressants to help me out. I'm really not a fan of taking pills as I see it as papering over the cracks, in a bit of a dilemma as he said to have a think about it tonight, and some of the things we talked about and see how i feel.