Why is it so difficult?

[Lynnann]

Apologies, feel the need for a rant so here goes

I know I am not perfect but I didn’t deserve this!!

I can accept that I will never again be who I once was that has been taken from me forever but how do I discover who I am now?

I can accept that I have anxiety and I can even accept the panic at times what I hate are the nightmares and the flashbacks!

Why do they still plague me? These are not occasions that I want to remember. I do not want to relive these occasions!

Why can’t I have a flashback to a good memory? Wouldn’t that be easier?

The triggers I pretty much know now but they are mundane things at times.

The smell of paint is a big one for me, which is why I haven’t decorated for a number of years that is until the last couple of weeks.

Why when you paint one room do you then see the others need doing? Still 2 rooms are now done, several more to go.

I guess I know that I will have to suck it up and get on with it now but I can still hate it,

Stamping my feet and having a temper tantrum, throwing all my toys out the pram and buying more scented candles.

Thanks for listening

Lynnann:flowers:

[felipe]

I read your rant.

I bet you feel better now that you've got it off your chest!

Better than kicking the dog!!

We all have days when we want to scream, throw things or shout obscenities at the TV or Radio. It's better to let off steam here among fellow travellers on the nightmare journey and hopefully move on to a better day/evening/or whatever.

Feel free any time:ohmy: . Express yourself!

Philip :bighug1:

[Lynnann]

lol, love the dog too much to kick him, partner is a different story lol

I did feel better for getting it of my chest, Guess things are just difficult at the moment, I am too much of a perfectionist to leave the decorating so I will be troubled for some time, my own fault lol

Thank you for answering tho it is always nice to know there is someone willing to take the time to respond:yesyes:

Lynnann:flowers:

[Southern_Belle]

:bighug1: Lynnann, pm me anytime.

Love,

Laura

[Lynnann]

thank you Laura,

you have been a star, a guiding light, we will chat soon but thank you again for helping me through tonight

Lynnann

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs: i dont really know your story but i felt i had lost myself completely - but it does come back - slowly but surely i am getting in touch with the happy part of myself - the part that can be happy no matter what has happened or how ive felt in the past - the part that has always been there and always can and its very very comforting to know that - hang in there, it will come back!:yesyes:

[Lynnann]

Thank you Emmas for taking the time to respond,

It is just difficult at the moment, I know this will pass, hopefully soon :) I am just so raw at the moment it makes me question so many things; maybe that is part of the healing process; I can hope something positive will come from this :)

I do appreciate the friendship and support I have found here, I sometimes wonder how I managed before I found this site which is so full of amazing people :)


Lynnann

[sunshine-lady]

Sending you hugs Lynnann :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Hope you are feeling a little better today. You know where I am should you need me.

xxx

[Lynnann]

Thanks Di,

Feeling a little calmer, probably because all the windows and doors are open :) although it is getting cold now, so I guess I will have to shut them soon :weep:.
Hopefully the smell won't be so strong tonight :wacko:

I didn't go to work so I have had cuddles from the dog all day :D

Thank you for being there you are a good friend Di :yesyes:

Lynnann:flowers:

[Lynnann]

Ok, another rant lol

I try so hard to cushion my family from the difficulties I go through I don’t see it as their problem although I guess they deal with the consequences but I really don’t want them to look at the world in the same way I do or even relate to the way I look at the world sometimes.

Am I wrong in this, I wonder, have I built so many walls that I isolate the people I care about I had a conversation with my daughter about this site this evening, she thought it made me worse.

I asked my partner what he thought, his views were the opposite but in fairness he knows everything, sort of, I don’t share with him much either but he knows enough I feel.

She has seen me up to all hours upset but as I tried to explain to her tonight, I would be up and upset anyway with no one to talk to the people here are awake and understand and don't just molly coddle me they encourage me. Bless them they said to phone them.

Lol like I would phone them at 3 or 4 in the morning etc, they said they wouldn’t mind but it is still something I would never do.

Why have I never explained to her how helpful I find this site, in my darkest hours it has seen me through and still does. The thoughtfulness and consideration and understanding of the members here is an incredible amount of support but then I would have to explain to her how dark some of the hours are.

How do I explain this to her and still retain the mother daughter relationship?

How do I explain that the paint smell is one of my triggers and the waves of flashbacks that I endured in the last few weeks resulted in me in hiding underneath a desk, just trying to feel safe? Still didn’t work totally shut down in the end, so much so it scared me I completely lost touch with reality a few times. How do I retain her respect?

How do I explain that before I found this site I phoned the Samaritans twice because I was so desperate and just wanted it to end and that was at 3 in the morning the fear of sleep the nightmares and flashbacks are not things I want to intrude on her life I don't want her to have to understand them.

There have been panic attacks and anxiety that she has witnessed and she has been so supportive she knows I border on OCD and always understands she stood by me during my agoraphobia driving me to work etc but they know I dwell on things and are wary of asking questions for fear of upsetting me.

I have already had 2 text messages since arriving home to check how I am.

This is not how I wanted to be as her mother!

Why should she have to endure the knowledge of my past!

Lynnann:flowers:

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs: dear lynnann, i know this is not how you had things in mind, but be aware that having some difficulties in life can and does actually make us better ppl - i mean more rounded, empathetic, sympathetic, aware etc etc - let your family care for you, let them know how much emotional pain you are in, if they want to know - they have you, such a strong person in their lives that no doubt your strength will have passed to them and they will be strong enough to deal with your feelings and their own feelings - it isnt a crime to be human, vulnerable and in some sort of pain - the hard times actually make us who we are - who ever learnt anything when the going was good??:hugs:

[Lynnann]

Thank you fpr taking the time to reply to me emmas,

I have already decided to have a chat with her, she is a star and I am so very proud of her and I know she will do everything she possibly can to support me; she always has :)

I guess it is the line that I will draw in how much I tell her, I don't want her to worry about me too much, they all worry too much at times about me as it is.

I want her to concentrate on her new home and her fiancee to be happy with their new puppy and just enjoy this time of discovery of self but I guess part of that is the reforging of our relationship from adult to child to adult to adult. It is a process that has already started but I guess like all things maintanance is required.

In a way it becomes a voyage of discovery in each other, the more I get to know her the more I like the person she is. I mean you love your children but I am very fortunate that I like the adults mine are becoming as well :D

I am more rounded today as I finally slept, amazing how beneficial that can be lol I guess i just need to be a little less over protective.

Lynnann:flowers:

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Lynnann,

I'm glad you are feeling better and know how much you needed that sleep. You can explain to her how you feel without giving the details. I don't believe she needs to know those things. As for why you need this site, you can tell her the honest reason, that the people on the site have the same anxiety issues that you do and can relate in a way that no one else can. Tell her that it doesn't ever mean that you don't need her. You need her more than ever. Her support means the world to you as well as other family members. Saying that, as she as never experienced the panic that you sometime feel, it is nice to know that at NMP there are others that have felt it and are there to support you. Hopefully, this will help her to understand.

I'm glad you are starting to build an adult relationship with your daughter and I know she will always be your little girl to you in your heart. There they never truly grow up. :)

Love,

Laura

[sunshine-lady]

Hi Lynnann,

I think both emmas and Laura have given some great advice which I really can't add much to. You have a great daughter who is a credit to you.

So pleased that you decided to take the day off work and were able to have a day lazing with your dog and you finally got the sleep that you were in such desperate need of.

Take care :hugs:

[Lynnann]

Thank you Laura and Sunshine,

It is always reassuring to know that you are all here for me :)

Daughter has pretty much spent the rest of the weekend with me, an evening spent watching girly DVD's is to be recomended :)

Lynnann