View Full Version : Just don’t know how to end all this.
This is gonna be long, sorry, and I know no one can actually make my decisions or give me any constructive help, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. Having suffered panic attacks for over 20yrs and for the most part coped with them. For nearly a year now it’s developed further into extreme anxiety and agoraphobic tendencies. I say tendencies because I do go to work, I can go to the local small shop sometimes and with a great deal of effort I manage to take my 17yr old daughter to the local stables once a week. I love my job (school receptionist, term time only) and Im rarely panicky there, however, I either have to leave my job before next June or move to a smaller house, due to the fact that my ex husband at that point stops supporting me financially. He has been very good over the years, he has done a lot more than some ex’s would, but obviously it has to stop at some point.
It’s probably a good time to add that I have no friends, most people I say this to don’t believe me, even my sister who knows it to be a fact denies it. Maybe she is right in the fact that I do have two people that I call friends that visit me at my home, she is not one of them. The two friends that do visit me are both ex boyfriends, one lives a couple of hundred miles away and I see him about 6 times a year. He is very helpful when he has the time, he has twin girls of 7 and has access every other weekend, which is part of the reason we split up, I can not travel up to him and his commitments with his girls and work tire him out. The other friend is again an ex boyfriend, I see him maybe every other month, if he is working locally he will drop in for a coffee. He is married (not when I dated him) and I perhaps should not see him (not that anything is going on), but Im sure his wife does not know he pops in and that does not seem fair. I look forward to these rare visits and both of them help me out with an odd diy job I cant manage by myself, but in my mind its not actual friends who I can go out with or call up for a chat. I do have my 17 yr old daughter living with me, I love her to bits and its great having her about. Most of the time, except for college holidays, she is here mon-thurs evenings. (She spends weekends with her Dad). The rest of the time I am in the house alone if I am not at work. This time next year she will be going away to uni, and obviously im dead proud of her and want her to do well. The thought of me not being able to visit her tho upsets me.
So the picture so far is, I cant go out much, I have two people that I call friends (but that cant help much) and I have to try and find a new job or a new house, or both, on my own, both of which involve going out. Perhaps more minor problems, but still things that need doing, I need to go to the dentist, my cats need a visit to the vets, my daughter sings and performs locally on a regular basis and ive not seen her once.
So, the Dr for what she is worth, prescribes me anti depressants and although ive explained to her that they make me feel suicidal, apart from 6 wks of counselling (which ive done) there is no more help I can get from her. She did put me on a waiting list (up to 9 months) for CBT but of course if/when this comes through its not local and I can’t get there. The counselling did me no good at all, in fact it made me worse. The councillor was suggesting that I needed to focus on getting over my panics and anxiety slowly and that someone should help me with the moving etc, even she did not seem to understand that I have no one to help me. Apart from the fact that medication makes me feel so ill, I am looking for a new job and past experience has taught me that if a prospective employer asks my Dr for my medical history and im on anti depressants it’s a dead cert I won’t get the job. So I don’t seem to have much choice but to sit around until such time as I cant pay my mortgage, my house is sold under me and I have no where to live. Today, at this moment I feel I have few choices open to me, I have just made an appointment for my c
June Im so sorry your feeling so down hunny, just try and think you do have people who you are important to, your daughter, your family, past relationships that obviously still care....could you maybe hold a get together for your daughters friends and mums at your house....im not much good at advice but I just wanted to send you a XHUGX and let you know that I understand how you feel and to let you know Im there for you if you want to PM X X
hi there june, just read your post, i know exactly how you feel, but you are not alone, you have got people round about you, i havent got any1, no family, no friends ive been agoraphobic for 3 years now, i got help with support worker, social worker, but they backed right off me and it gave me the push to get out there, now i can go slightly on buses, and do a bit of shopping, it is hard, but you have to try and think positive not negatively, you will get there i promise, just try and think positively and keep you chin up, if anytime at all you can email me on lucindasanders@ntlworld.com ok take care [?]
take care
Lucy
June you are no longer on your own as you now have the site.
Your post struck a chord with me as I'm a similiar age although have a couple more years of maintaince payments before like you I think I will have to sell the house. I think the uncertainty of the future is part of my current anxiety (I dont dwell on it all the time but it is in the back of my mind).
In someways though I think a new start at that point might very well be a good thing for me but like you I dont fancy the stress of it all.
Life would be so much easier for us lot if we lived in a commune together and the bolder ones could go out to do the shopping etc lol.
Anyway enough gabbing - hope to see you in chatroom sometime.
Love Piglet
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
June,
Sorry to hear you feel that everything is closing in on you.
Why do you have to leave your job before next year ?
**it’s developed further into extreme anxiety and agoraphobic tendencies**
You're doing well in that you can still force yourself to go out to work, shop and stable.
This means you do have the capability and infrastructure within yourself to improve fairly quickly.
By yourself is sometimes too hard, so I would strongly recommend that you consider joining the 'No Panic' telephone recovery service. It will get you in regular contact with others at your stage of agoraphobia and really gives the motivation and incentive that I think you're missing at present. You're a social person who isn't being able to express this side at present and that makes it worse.
We will support you all the way too, where do you live ?
Maxine's cbt progress. (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2308)
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Hi June,
I'm a teacher and am on school holidays to, which are like a blessing and a curse in some ways! The blessing is we're all knackered and need the break[|)] The curse is that people like us can become very depressed because you sudden;y stop and realise just what kind of life you have with no work to go to. You're like me in that I too have agoraphobic tendencies, but manage to go on short trips here and there occasionally if I really really have to. My so-called friends have gradually disappeared too, purely because they can't understand. It can make for a very lonely life.BUT..............
You should be b****y proud of yourself for getting out there when you can - that is a MASSIVE achievement! Don't put yourself down because to other people think it's something trivial. This is about you, and to you this is an extremely difficult thing to do. You go girl!!
I've got an awful GP, who doesn't give me any support, and the only way I've managed to get any kind of treatment is by going privately, which can be a bit of a gamble I know.
Don't get rid of the cats - they are very positive parts of your life. I think sufferers like us should all have animals - they don't answer back!! I have 2 dogs, and they are fantastic! They make me go out because they need a walk everyday, and they are an endless source of amusement and laughs!! Could the vet come to you? (Might be a bit expensive though).
And last but not least - you've got us now. Every one of us is here for you, and you are not alone. I completely feel for you and send you out BIG BIG HUGSXXXXXXXX
E-mail me anytime if you need me.
Emxxxxx
I appreciate everyones comments, ty for taking the time to reply. I had thought my mail was long enough to make sense, but perhaps I was waffling. I need to get at least one of my cats to the vets now, not in maybe 2-3 months if/when I can go out. I need to put my house on the market soonish, it may take months to sell. I dont have any friends, maybe it seems to some that 2 ex boyfriends who visit next to never are enough. Im sorry for those of you who have no one at all, I guess that having my 17yr old around sometimes is better than nothing. Im also sorry that I sound harsh or even rude, its not intentinal, its born out of total frustration. I am a member of no panic, I cant find a way out of this, its not through lack of trying.
long term panic/anxiety sufferer with mild/medium agoraphobia.
Good that you're already a member of No Panic.
Have you signed up for the telephone course ?
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Meg u are so sweet, ty for trying to help. I had thought about the course and will make enquires today to see if they have spaces. By then I expect if I can make progress that it will be too late for my cat, and I will have to live with that too. Ive already upset my sister today because she refused to help and the vets because, guess what, they cant visit but if someone wants to call in for me they will give me some medication....lol...I dont have anyone to call in. I may just as well stand in front of a big wall and keep knocking my head against it.
Again I dont mean to appear rude but for my sake as much as for you kind people on here, Im going to unsub now. Even on here people dont really understand much and if they do, what can they do?
June xx
long term panic/anxiety sufferer with mild/medium agoraphobia.
Hi june,
Admitadly I don't really have the first clue what you are going through and again your right we aren't physically there with you to help but we can be of some emotional support!
Believe me I know what it's like to be on your own, I was left on my own with a one year old son and twin girl, one up in a flat, 20 miles from family, no friends, fresh C-Section scar, Baby blues and a desperate need for nappies and food!!! I have kind of been there in one sense or another!!
Trust me you will be able to go out, you will be able to put your house on the market and you will be able to get your poor cat to the vet and do you want to know why I know you will? It's because you are human and the human instinct is to survive! So if you have something that has to be done you will manage, you just have to believe that you can.
Please don't unsubscribe, we are all here for you, what ever and when ever you want to talk there is always someone here! You can even try seeing if there is anyone from here in your local area and have a meet up! There are soo many options open to you being on this site, just give us a chance.
We're all a bunch of fruit cakes[:P], but hey it's people like us that make life interesting.
Take Carexxx and I hope your feeling better soon.
Claire
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
Hi June
Sorry to hear you are having a bad time at the moment.
Regarding your cat and the vets - is there another vet practice you could try. Some do make home visits when requested. I know the one I used to use had this facility. You might be able to find one who is willing to attend to your cat at home.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Well, I was gonna unsub, but I cant find out how...lol. Looks like you are all stuck with me. Thanks again for the replies, they make me feel less alone. I put the phone down on sis this morning when she refused to help. I was not rude, well not verbally, ive not heard from her since and her kids have not seen her since. She has a history of severe depression and in the past has tried to comit suicide. Thats why I dont normally ask her for help, im sat here wondering what the hell ive done, I so hope ive not sent her over the edge. Do my days ever get better????
June x
long term panic/anxiety sufferer with mild/medium agoraphobia.
pinkscrumpy
08-08-05, 23:23
Hi June
Welcome to the site. Please please do not unsub.
You haven't told us where abouts you live.
I would love to be close to you and help you out with vets etc. I know and understand va little where you are coming rom.
Please let us know your location.
love
MANDIE XX
Tx Mandie and everyone else, I live in Southampton, but really would not expect even you lovely people to help me out more than you already have done.
June x
long term panic/anxiety sufferer with mild/medium agoraphobia.
Hi June
So glad you haven't unsubbed - it was nice chatting to you in the chatroom last night and hope we do it again soon.
June I live not a million miles away from you - who knows as I get braver maybe I could come and see you.
Lets try and get a meet up in our area - think there are a few of us this end!
Meg, Nic and guys, how about it ?????
Love Pig[8D]
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
nomorepanic
09-08-05, 15:13
June
Why would you want to unsubscribe from here and all these lovely people that will help you all they can? Of course we understand - we have all been there at one time or another.
Don't leave ok - let us try and help?
Pig - Southampton is about 2 hours from me so it is do-able but we have a few up and coming meet-ups so it would have to fit in around them.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
June ,
I think you might of meant unsubscribe from the topic so you didn't get loads of emails everytime you logged on and could come and check in your own time.
Southampton is fine with me.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
nomorepanic
09-08-05, 16:09
Ahh Meg yes that could well be it.
June do you want me to unsubscribe this topic for you? To do it yourself just click on "my subscriptions" at the top of the screen.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thanks, its ok, I did mean to unsub from the site, but thankfully ive come to my senses, well the few that I have and I shall be staying around. Thanks piglet, was nice chatting to you and the other guys too.
A meet sounds good, if I can get out, thanks for all the support.
BTW, mys sis did turn up in the end yesterday and we had a massive row on the phone last night. Ive been anxious virtually all day because of it but decided to keep busy and boy how busy, ive decorated a whole room. Im still anxious it just goes to show I can carry on in spite of it.
June x
long term panic/anxiety sufferer with mild/medium agoraphobia.
yorkie lad
10-08-05, 22:22
juneie
i'm new to this site and only recently introduced myself to this site too. And i read alot of new members stories and really feel for them, but i felt i needed to relpy to this post.
i cannot imagine what you are going through but the best thing you have done is sign up here and make your 1st post! you now have friends online who you can talk to and add to forum discussions.
to hear you talk about sucidal thoughts is very upsetting, you have a wonderful 17 year old daughter who you dealry love.
please try to keep positive and log on everyday to have a chat.
i wish i could give you a big hug. pm when ever you want. take care from me and everyone else on this board. x x
Glad to see that your not unsubscribing :D.
Hope you and your sis will work things out, which you probably will, I have an older sis that I bicker with constantly but we alway make up:). We love each other too much, cheesy I know but it's true, I'd be lost without her and I know she would be lost with out me[8D]
, lol. I'm sure you and your sis are the same.
Hope to maybe chat to you soon, I'm in most nights, can't miss me I'm usually talking about something daft or telling jokes that I shouldn't[:o)].
WELCOME
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
Ty Jammie, sis and I have kinda made up, Im still upset that she told me a pack of lies, however, I do love her and im sure she has her reasons...grrrrrr...lol maybe ive not forgiven her complety...lol.
Im pretty sure ive spoken to you in chat anyway, reason I remember is your name, Jammie Basket, I always wonder why you are in a basket...lol.
June x
long term panic/anxiety sufferer with mild/medium agoraphobia.
Thanks for your kind words Yorkie, and welcome to the site. I want to thank you for your concern about my suicidal thoughts. To be honest its just thoughts, despite having many problems, my true character is bubbly and fun and full of life. All the other stuff just gets in the way at times. Lonliness plays a big part cos I can go weeks without seeing anyone. But thanks to modern technolgy, there are lovely people out there like yourself and the rest of this group who understand and take the time to help.
June x
long term panic/anxiety sufferer with mild/medium agoraphobia.
Hi June
Just saying hello and wondering how the weeks gone and if the cat situation is better now re; the vet???
My week's been up and down, on the whole been good but have felt pants on a few occasions. I've managed to get out every day this week (with kids and friends of course) doing various holiday activities and we havent had to come home at all.
May catch you later in chat for a laugh.
Love Piglet[8D]
Hi Piglet, not had a bad week all in all, been busy decorating, not been out though, kept meaning to. Well done on your successful excursions.
Got the cats sorted, its costing a bit but the vet is doing a home visit next week.
Catch u soon.
June x
long term panic/anxiety sufferer with mild/medium agoraphobia.
Excellent news June..
Really pleased you found one to come out
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.