goingmadder
02-04-09, 11:08
Hey everyone,
I was doing sooooo well last week, i had a wonderful weekend and felt so calm and at peace and in love.:noangel:
I just don't know what to beleive right now. Monday and Tuesday the anxiety was ligering but I managed to keep it at bay. Yesterday though was terrible.:weep:
I had 3-4 hours alone with my thoughts and had nothing to keep me occupied so my thoughts run amock. I kept trying to stay calm and reminding myself its the GAD it will pass the thoughts are false, which had worked like a charm monday and tuesday. But it didn't work yesterday.
When i tried to convince myself it was the GAD and it would pass, the negative thoughts started attacking my positive counter thoughts. I kept thinking what if its not GAD, what if im using GAD as an excuse, if its not GAD then all these thoughts are real what if what if what if... its all going to go wrong, the love is fake, i can't feel im not worthy im deceiving him im going to break his heart, im gonna lose everything we could have together, im going to be back at square one, im going to hurt him, i am evil ..funny eventually me being "evil" tends to be 99% of the time the end result of all the ANTs.
I wound up at a pub/coffeeshop ...
I was meant to call my boyfriend at 12 by which point i'd spent 4 hours alone with my thoughts prior to arriving at the coffee shop/pub. The night before we arranged that I'd call him, he'd come get me and we'd go spend the day together. I called him at 12ish no answer.. i was sitting having a coffee (my third which obviously didnt help) I called him again no answer. My battery was low which added to the stressful thoughts, "what if it dies and he tries to call me" I sent him a text saying my battery is low and i tried to call but got no answer that id try again. I called again no answer... THoughts flying through my head and anxiety building up inside me.. I text him again saying where i was and that i would stay here til he turned up (incase the phone died and he couldnt get in touch) I called again and again.. by the 6th call in 15 minutes I managed to convince myself that there was only 2 possible reasons he hadnt answered..
1) He'd had a motocycle accident earlier in the day and was dead (not injured but dead) and no one knew or thought to call me and tell me and i was gonna find out later on in the day which led to thougths/realisation that i didnt have his brothers contact details or his parents (thank god in hindsight that i dont cos they'd get random calls about whether my baby is ok)
2) the last 3-4 weeks has been a build up to an april fools joke and he doesn't in fact love me or want to be with me but has just been telling me these things as part of an evil prank and is about to break my heart!:doh:
OK now reading those 2 points back to myself OH MY GOOD GOD:wacko: how irrational but yesterday I could not conceive any other possibilities.
Even the bar staff (im a regular there) kept asking me if i was ok cos I was so fidgety and wrestless.
So anyway, I sent another text saying Im getting stressed now im worried about you are you ok?
Called a few more times after that
and another a few minutes later another taxt saying, the logical side of my brain (i was trying to be calm) says you've either left your phone someplace or you're asleep, the illogical side of my brain is going nuts with worry and is winning the battle
And I called again and again and again... I wanted to get out of the bar i felt like i was going to have a massive attack, i wanted to cry or do something to release it all ...
Anyway so.. he eventually calls me about 1ish desprate on the phone appologising for being asleep, the phone was on silent, he was so angry with himself for not being there for not being awake, for "letting me down" as he saw it ...
By the time i spoke to him he had about 16-17 missed calls and 4 texts i think...
I wasn't angry with him at all... i wasn't upset that he'd slept in (we'd had a few late nights and it was bound to catch up with him) I was just so worried.
We spent the evening together last night too..
He's got jealousy issues. We;ve not had to deal with any real jealousy yet but he admits he has it in him as he was cheated on in the past and is terrified that i will do the same. He says I am the love of his life but is scared that i will break his heart. I also have a tendacy to be jealous but its one of those things i need to keep in check. We're both trying to help eachother overcome the negtive aspects of our characters...
My anxiety levels are as bad as yesterday but im finding it increasingly difficult to counter the negative thoughts... at the moment every positive thought or feeling seems to be quickly followed by a BIG ANT... for example, he just text me and it was really sweet and romantic, i felt butterflies and i smiled and thought aww text him back in the smae manner, straight away negative thought "do you really feel like that, you don't do you, you don't love him, you're just making it all uop,you gonna break his heart and he deserves better" AHHHHHHHHHH I wish it would all just go away and let me be!
When the negative thougths arent there i am so incredibly happy... the happiest i have ever ever been!!!
Just so sick of it!
Sorry for the Extreme longness :scared15: and thanks to anyone who even attempted to read this...
I just needed to write out yesterdays experience to vent it!
Peace and love to all
I was doing sooooo well last week, i had a wonderful weekend and felt so calm and at peace and in love.:noangel:
I just don't know what to beleive right now. Monday and Tuesday the anxiety was ligering but I managed to keep it at bay. Yesterday though was terrible.:weep:
I had 3-4 hours alone with my thoughts and had nothing to keep me occupied so my thoughts run amock. I kept trying to stay calm and reminding myself its the GAD it will pass the thoughts are false, which had worked like a charm monday and tuesday. But it didn't work yesterday.
When i tried to convince myself it was the GAD and it would pass, the negative thoughts started attacking my positive counter thoughts. I kept thinking what if its not GAD, what if im using GAD as an excuse, if its not GAD then all these thoughts are real what if what if what if... its all going to go wrong, the love is fake, i can't feel im not worthy im deceiving him im going to break his heart, im gonna lose everything we could have together, im going to be back at square one, im going to hurt him, i am evil ..funny eventually me being "evil" tends to be 99% of the time the end result of all the ANTs.
I wound up at a pub/coffeeshop ...
I was meant to call my boyfriend at 12 by which point i'd spent 4 hours alone with my thoughts prior to arriving at the coffee shop/pub. The night before we arranged that I'd call him, he'd come get me and we'd go spend the day together. I called him at 12ish no answer.. i was sitting having a coffee (my third which obviously didnt help) I called him again no answer. My battery was low which added to the stressful thoughts, "what if it dies and he tries to call me" I sent him a text saying my battery is low and i tried to call but got no answer that id try again. I called again no answer... THoughts flying through my head and anxiety building up inside me.. I text him again saying where i was and that i would stay here til he turned up (incase the phone died and he couldnt get in touch) I called again and again.. by the 6th call in 15 minutes I managed to convince myself that there was only 2 possible reasons he hadnt answered..
1) He'd had a motocycle accident earlier in the day and was dead (not injured but dead) and no one knew or thought to call me and tell me and i was gonna find out later on in the day which led to thougths/realisation that i didnt have his brothers contact details or his parents (thank god in hindsight that i dont cos they'd get random calls about whether my baby is ok)
2) the last 3-4 weeks has been a build up to an april fools joke and he doesn't in fact love me or want to be with me but has just been telling me these things as part of an evil prank and is about to break my heart!:doh:
OK now reading those 2 points back to myself OH MY GOOD GOD:wacko: how irrational but yesterday I could not conceive any other possibilities.
Even the bar staff (im a regular there) kept asking me if i was ok cos I was so fidgety and wrestless.
So anyway, I sent another text saying Im getting stressed now im worried about you are you ok?
Called a few more times after that
and another a few minutes later another taxt saying, the logical side of my brain (i was trying to be calm) says you've either left your phone someplace or you're asleep, the illogical side of my brain is going nuts with worry and is winning the battle
And I called again and again and again... I wanted to get out of the bar i felt like i was going to have a massive attack, i wanted to cry or do something to release it all ...
Anyway so.. he eventually calls me about 1ish desprate on the phone appologising for being asleep, the phone was on silent, he was so angry with himself for not being there for not being awake, for "letting me down" as he saw it ...
By the time i spoke to him he had about 16-17 missed calls and 4 texts i think...
I wasn't angry with him at all... i wasn't upset that he'd slept in (we'd had a few late nights and it was bound to catch up with him) I was just so worried.
We spent the evening together last night too..
He's got jealousy issues. We;ve not had to deal with any real jealousy yet but he admits he has it in him as he was cheated on in the past and is terrified that i will do the same. He says I am the love of his life but is scared that i will break his heart. I also have a tendacy to be jealous but its one of those things i need to keep in check. We're both trying to help eachother overcome the negtive aspects of our characters...
My anxiety levels are as bad as yesterday but im finding it increasingly difficult to counter the negative thoughts... at the moment every positive thought or feeling seems to be quickly followed by a BIG ANT... for example, he just text me and it was really sweet and romantic, i felt butterflies and i smiled and thought aww text him back in the smae manner, straight away negative thought "do you really feel like that, you don't do you, you don't love him, you're just making it all uop,you gonna break his heart and he deserves better" AHHHHHHHHHH I wish it would all just go away and let me be!
When the negative thougths arent there i am so incredibly happy... the happiest i have ever ever been!!!
Just so sick of it!
Sorry for the Extreme longness :scared15: and thanks to anyone who even attempted to read this...
I just needed to write out yesterdays experience to vent it!
Peace and love to all