View Full Version : Thinking of killing myself but because I'm scared of dying?
I'm really quite low. Really low and again I have came on here cos I dunno where else to go.
I've suffered depressin aond anxiety for as long as I can remember,got sent ot my first doc when I was about 12 or 13.
Round about the same time I had my first bout of HA and was convinced I had a tumour in my neck.
It seemd to subside though but as I have got older it's all just got worse and a doc had thought I had some BPD traits and OCD aswell.
I got put on prozac and that made me worse..then I got puton floxetine or something and that did nothing and citaolpram which made me numb as hell. And when coming off it gave me really violent mood swings.
"They" decided to take me off of everything cos I was" not alwasy depressed" :huh:
I have just got worseover time. I don't know what to do. And my HA is through the roof and it's affecting me mightily.
It's affecting all my relationships.
The latest was my ankle and I asked my mum and she just looked and went" Oh don't start about something else"
I was supposed to be goingout with my partner last night for an evening out together and as I got into town he text and said he was going to be half an hour late,and I text and said,"are you kidding?What am I to do for half an hour up here at this time on my own? I'm already anxious as it is"
I eventually got the nerv to go into the bar we were going to and went to the bathroom and as I walked past I(thankfully) banged into two of my other friends so I was actually able to sit with them for twenty mins or so..but my partner didn't come out til about an hour later.
So I felt like I imposed on my friends evening,I was embarassed that it looked like I was stood up and when he eventually arrived,we argued...and when we got taxi home,it just got worse. He shouted at me in taxi,"Aw you're mental Amy,f**k off and go see a doctor"
When I got out taxi I was in tears and didn't want to go home and give my mum and dad more reason to get annoyed at me.
It kind of sounds trivial I guess what I'm going on about. I know there's alot worse things going on in the world but I am in alot of pain and I'm seriouslythinking of doing something to myself but part of it is because I'm scared of dying. I keep thinking I have cancer or some horrible disease also and if it was the case I would kill myself but it's the dying that I'm scared of.
I don't think this makes sense.
I feel very alone. And I really don't know who to speak to.
I dialed 999 last week after my partner ambushed me from a night out wondering what happened to me etc ( ? ) and I couldn't take it and I phoned them telling them I was thinking bad thoughts and two police came out and said they would take me to hospital but they might not do anything for me cos I had had a drink.. :doh: I should have did it when I was sober.. I mean what the hell is that? Drunk people don't need help either apparantly.
Drunk,sober.. I have no help.
Nothing :weep: :weep: :weep: :weep: :weep: :weep:
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bottleblond
04-04-09, 14:15
Hi
Sorry, i keep coming back to this post because the heading is so disturbing.
You are THINKING of killing yourself because you are scared of dying. Again-sorry but i think that is one of the most bizzare statements i have read on the forum.
Wee there IS help out there and it is accessible. I will post a link to some of these help organizations at the bottom of this post.
I truely hope that things turn around for you and you start to get some positivity back in your life.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=38701
Lisa
x
Hello Wee-Mee,
I know how lonely it can feel when suffering from all of these worrying thoughts, and it is difficult for those who have not suffered from anxiety to understand, but there are plenty of people here who totally understand what you are going through, so please don't feel you have no one to turn to. You say the doctors have tried giving you medication, which hasn't been very successful. Have they ever mentioned some counselling, because that can be very helpful.
It certainly is worthwhile having a good chat with your doctor. Why don't you go back and see the one your saw on Friday, because he seemed to be understanding. You can explain exactly how you are feeling, and ask if he can arrange for some counselling. You will be able to talk through all your worries with someone who has been especially trained to help you see things in a different light. Don't despair, I am sure in time, with the right sort of help you will start to feel better about things. When we suffer from health anxiety it seems our minds cannot rest, and we jump from one crisis to another - i think we can become addicted to the stress and relief cycle in a sub-conscious way. We become very anxious and then seek reassurance, the reassurance can give us relief, but it only lasts a short while before we need to find more comfort, sometimes for a completely different symptom. It is all part of the health anxiety cycle, which is tremendously difficult to break, but it is possible and i am sure you will begin to feel better once you get the right trreatment. I wish I could give you a big hug, and make you believe you will get better - i do understand what you are going through.:hugs:
valleybear
04-04-09, 14:50
Wee Mee, you had a difficult situation last night, having to be on your own until your partner arrived. It is not trivial to find yourself in an anxious state, and he really didn't help by being cross. You do not have any dreadful illness and deep down you know that but your mind keeps taunting you with symptoms. Please, please know that you can get help to overcome the way you are feeling and can lead a happier life, honestly! Please look at the link that the NMP Administrator has given you and make your mind up to ask for help..it really is out there. Sending love and hugs XXXXX
Ive felt like that too on occasions pet and I can totally empathise with you. What you are going through is horrible and scary and you are just ill. Only problem is our type of illness is not recognised and understood. So we really only have people who go through it also to lean on and support. Your needed on this site and your needed in the world and loved im sure by many. hang in there, you deserve to live your life and bad days go. x
Thankyou. I will.
:)
I don't know what to do with myself. I have got into this bad place and I feel cos I'm older ,everytime,I'm a bit older it's worse.
As for the title..I know it's strange. I think I mean that I'm scared of dying,finding out I have a disease or something and something that I can't control and it's having a profound affect on my life and relationships that it's making me quite depressed and thinking that if I'm not having a happy time living I should maybe control it and kill myself in a way but then it comes back to me that in the first place,I'm scared of the act of dying if you like.
It's awful hard having this werid cycle of thoughts going on in my head. And I can't get relief from anywhere.
Right now I am roasting,aching all over,dry skin,dry mouth,swollen ankle,bowel problems,weird spot on breast,fighting with my partner,drving my mother and father up the wall.
I am at college part time after a long break and well,that's all going to pooh aswell.
:'( Thanks for the comments.
I may get an appointment on Monday. I just feel I get stared at like I'm crazy..I know I'm not. But I am unwell.
Amy
xxxxxxxxxxx
Health anxiety isn't nice. My mother reacts in the same way "What is it now?" and to be honest, i can understand where she's coming from. Every week i have a new illness...it must get a little bit boring after a while (for them, not us!!).
I don't think for ONE SINGLE SECOND there is anything wrong with you. Anxiety has got a firm grip around rational thinking and it's doing it's best to mess you around. I can sit here and pin-point 20 things i have "wrong" with me, right now....are most of them anxiety related - YES! I looked in the mirror earlier and i look yellow, my eyes are dark and sunken....i look really ILL. There is no getting away from actual evidence (my reflection) that there is something wrong, but a twinge here and there...? I'm sure you're FINE!
Why are you unwell?
You sound like your dehydrated amy. Dont worry i get wierd spots everywhere and most people do. Just we freak out over them coz we suffer from anxiety. Fair play to you for going back to college, good on you and stick with it.
belle-I mean unwell in the kind of mental sense..like just drained and I feel there is a breaking point near.
I have never been hospital commited,nearly have but never have and the thought of that alone is anxiety enhancing enough. I'm not well phsycially though wit my bowels and pelvic probs mostly.Getting tests for that. But I'm losing what's anxiety and what is genuine pain.
And I think that's the docs problems. And I think they are just assuming everything is anxiety which worries me more cos it's the whole "what if"
Nikki- I don't drink nearly enough water nup. I'm sitting with a glass just now.
I used to have a good food and exercise plan and it all went to pooh with eating problems and it really sucks. I'm better with my eating now thankfully. Just have other things to contend with. I will try and stick with college but I have already missed so much and that is just daunting. I felt like crying in class yesterday.
Believe it or not there was a time when I would see or feel a pain or something and I would be like,"ach it's nothing,It will go away on it's on" (my dad is very like that) and then something snapped.
I'm only 22.I want my somewhat ok life back. It really is me just ruining everything.
nomorepanic
04-04-09, 19:27
Amy
You could really do with some CBT for the HA - that would help you loads.
Ask the doc if you get on the waiting list for it.
Hi Nicola..I have a psychologist at a place every 2 weeks and I think he is cognitive. I've lost the plot though.
I did go to hospital every few months for a "review" but every time I went was a different psychiatrist and I just felt I was repeating myself and they eventually cut me off cos I wasn't on any meds.
Okay so here is my list of ailments: Hope ya got a year..
Bowels-constipation for AGES
Pelvic pain-pelvic infection
Back pain
Lumpy back and sides though you can't see anything though I think my back and sides look swollen
skin rash on my face and chest and neck
Runny nose and sneezing
Yeast infection
Due period but not period yet
Can't have sex cos too sore
weird spot thing on my right nipple when I picked it and it's scabbed and more weird now.
Right ankle is sore and swollen
Got bruises on my arms and legs.
Tired all the time.
Feel sick.
My two big toes look yellowy but rest are fine.. ?
Wisdom tooth coming through but there aint no space for it.
freckle on side of my face that had been there for years is freaking me out now.
As is one on leg.
Everything just makes me think cancer.
Waiting on smear test results STILL.
Waiting to get referred to a gynocologist..STILL.
Got some results back from the sex clnic place. Negative though the weird computer thing said "cervical gnorreah negatvie" twice.. f**ksake,then I didn't get result for herpes simplex virus and syphillus one aint back yet.. I need a nurse to tell me my blood test ones.
I'm f**king ill. And I can't talk to anyone. I stopped taking the Movicol and lactulose to see if maybe I would pooh on my own and the stupid wee thing pencil type pulp camea little bit this morning..
I dunno what to do.
I'm worried about EVERYTHING
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Hi Little one
I think the title of your heading was mistyped by you - I think you meant you are thinking of killing yourself but are afraid of dying.
You are depressed, you are suffering anxiety - you need help. Taking you off the meds was a bad idea. That particular med (Prozac is Fluoxetine by the way) - you should be tried on another med - until the professionals find one that gives you some therapeutic effect.
Please see your gp right away.
Thoughts of death are horrible - distract away from those thoughts as much as you can and try not to dwell.
Let us know how you get on. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
charlotte83
05-04-09, 19:34
Hi, I don't think I can say anything particularly helpful but I really hope you see your gp like yvonne said and I really hope you find some comfort and reassurance from somewhere very soon. Take care and remember people are here at nmp to help if you need it xxxx
Your title upset me - I really feel for you.
Please dont ever do anything like killing yourself. You are so young and have your life in front of you which wont always be like how you are feeling right now. It can get better. A year ago I was on the phone to the samaritans telling them how I wanted to kill myself - I never thought my life could get better - I was having a breakdown - and yet a year on I love life and its the last thing I want to do. A year ago I could never have imagined me saying this!
Please go and see your gp. I know a lot of gps are useless and dont take us seriously but please do your best to make him or her realise how bad you are feeling. Could your mum or boyfriend go with you to help back you up?
You need the right help and I know getting it can be difficult but dont give in - fight for getting the right help.
I really hope things improve for you - you sound so down - however this is your only life so please dont do anything drastic and if you do feel bad enough to do something like that then please tell someone.
:hugs:
starlight78
05-04-09, 21:04
HI Weemee,
I can kind of relate to your title... Fear of death and wanting to die can be two sides of the same coin. As i've mentioned in previous posts i had an intense fear of dying early in my depression and this moved in a strange way to wanting to die, partly because i felt like i wanted to have some control over it and partly because i was sinking further into the depression. As i have said though this fear of death and suicidal thoughts passed when i started to get better from the depression.
Please keep trying to get the help you deserve... It is out there! It sounds like you have really bad health anxiety, due to good reasons by your list of ailments.. our bodies and minds are so linked though and feeling emotionally unwell will make you feel more unwell physically.
Good luck and best wishes x
Martin Ell
05-04-09, 21:57
Hi Wee,
I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. It's very understandable to feel like you want to kill yourself yet also feel scared of dying. I do hope that you don't give any more thought to the idea of killing yourself.
You're very young - I can relate to that because you're slightly older than me! I know how crap it is to be so young yet feel like life is at an end. But with a lot of hope, effort and determination, we can live quite a happy, content life.
It may be hard to accept, but your doctors are probably right to put your feelings down to anxiety, and the tests that they have given you probably would have shown if something was physically wrong with you.
I'm not really good at giving great advice on situations, so take note of all the good advice given by the others:)
fairyloveheart
06-04-09, 09:27
Amy,
I was sad to read your post title. Right, you need a plan of action!
Have you told the psychologist you see about your Health anxiety?
Killing yourself is never a viable option. Never.
How long have you been with your boyfriend? Is he quite supportive most of the time? I hope that he is and that he just snapped and had a blip.
I could write a long list of symptoms like you...a huge list, in fact I have another new one to add just this morning... and I seek constant reassurance from others here and in my family. My parents have stopped asking about my ailments!
I think you need some time out. Is there any way you could go for a weekend away with your fella, and have some fun. Distraction is a good remedy for symptoms related to anxiety! I know it is a cliche but it often works.
I feel a fraud trying to help you when I haven't got it cracked myself. I have hope that I will at some point.
Perhaps a trip back to the GPS, and be honest, say you just can't cope - see whether there are any other therapy options available....
Sorry you are feeling so bad,
Take care
FLH
:hugs: okay amy, guys, well i have cracked it! i have had all th esame as you amy - first bout of anxiety at age 14 followed by 6 months off school and start of long history of low self-esteem, next bout was more depression at age 17-18 - i wont bore you with my details but basically they have all been the same as yours and many others on here - you have not been taken into hosptial for good reasons - will it help you? do you really need it? you may think you do but if you go into hospital do you know what you are going to see and feel? do you really wan tto be apart from your family and your life? - you are confused becasue you are anxious and depressed - it alters your sense of perception - when you are well you wont feel like this - hence the reason ppl say dont kill yourself - because these feelings are not permanent - like i said i have cracked it, but im not sure that mindfulness is for everyone - maybe you would need it to be delivered by a therapist, maybe you would need to learn more about your self and about anxiety and depression before you gave it a go - amy depression and anxiety can make you feel very physically ill - i now i have been there - but organically you are well - i mean you have no medical problems (ofcourse unless you have been diagnosed?) but still you feel very very ill - tha tis depression and anxiety, get rid of them and you will be well - all depresion sufferers owe it to themselves to make getting rid of depression the number one focus of your life - sod your boyfriend, and your family - stop worrying about them and their lack of sympathy - if you havent been depressed you cannot know the horror of it and so you wont be sympathetic - focus on you and getting rid of this horrible illness -and yes like others have said you can be scared of dying but still want to die - but really its not that you want to die - you just dont want to feel like this anymore? but you dont have to feel like this and neither will you fel like this for the rest of yor life - believe me after 21 years of never knowing how long i would be okay for - i hav ehad the best and hardest year of my life - i now turn to myself in times of real anxiety and sadness and for that i feel 1000% times better - i dont have to rely on anyone else day in day out to survive and i know how to deal with my thoughts and feelings -none of this will stop you from feeling bad and you have to find your own way - but you are not alone in how you feel, millions of others around the world feel the same as you, and you can and will gwt better, if yuo make yourself your number one priority:hugs:
Hi all. I cannot believe the amount of support I have been givenin the short time that I have been on NMP. It's unbelievable and I am so thankful.
To every single one of you. I wish I cold be of the same support to you.
The thoughts are kind of subsiding but I always have this sort of "base" that when I think,"if something really really bad happens then I can always kill myself" and it scares me to think this. And I think I mean afraid of dying instead of scared..that was right :)
I don't feel 100% but I do feel a little better. Partly aswell because I did two massive poohs..that sounds trivial but in a way I feel like a little weight has came off me. Now I need to worry about my smear results..
I have taken my period so I feel icky anyways. My partner is usually alright but he has a temper and I think I just make him snap sometimes..I don't blame him really but at the time I HATE him for it.
I'm worried for my dad's result. He had an ultrasound scan "down there" as he has a lump so...I'm worried and he is older..67.. (I was a late baby in that my parents were older when they had me) so literally all I have family wise is my mum and dad..no aunts or uncles or anyone.
I have a massive fear of being alone cos I'm not independant in the slightest so I fear I will never be able to cope.
These thoughts are always with me but they get heightened when I'm depressed.
I hope I start feeling a bit better soon. I have my psychoogy appointment this Thursday so I will try and explain. I'm never really good at explaining things by voice but I get confused sometimes even writing things down cos my mind jumps about.
Again,I really want to thank all of you. I actually have a tear in my eye no joke cos it just helps knowing I have everyone.
I hope I can be as supportive and helpful to everyone as everyone has been to me.
I hope you all are well
Amy xxxxxxxx :hugs:
:hugs: you dont need to try to be helpful and supportive to others - just get yourself feeling okay and happy and able to cope - i have no mum or dad, no aunts or uncles one local dis-interested sister and one far away dis-interested sister - but i am good and able to cope - okay it has taken me many many years - but better late than never - invest in yourself, and in time your life will be how you want it to be:yesyes:
:'( That didn't last.. I think I have skin cancer now.
I did the bad G word and I have two or three freckles which look brown but have bits of black in them and that says it's a sign of skin cancer and one of the more serious one and now I'm scared again.
I was stupid to look but it was cos of anotehr thread and I have been worrying about a freckle on my face and well,now I'm in a state again.
nomorepanic
06-04-09, 12:57
Stop googling and enjoy life for what it is - please!
I actually think this is true though. my freckles look like the pics :weep: :weep:
I'm so sorry.
I dunno why I do this..but this DOES look true!
nomorepanic
06-04-09, 13:13
But so far this week you have had every single illness under the sun lol
Each one was life threatening to you.
The more you look the more you will find trust me.
:( I know.
I wish I could escape all this. This is too hard.
I've made myself sick now :'(
None of what you say sounds trivial honey, these are real thoughts, and any doctor worth their salt will take you seriously and try and find practical and positive ways forward for you and that's as you know not always just medication, it can be a combination of things. all the best Stephen x
Miss Alissa
06-04-09, 22:33
Hi Amy
I'm so sorry - you are really suffering at the moment. I - and so many other people on this forum have been exactly where you are now. What you are feeling is real and terrifying and all-consuming but it really will pass. Your threads are so frantic and desperate that they're quite shocking to read - not because there is something wrong with you but because of just how completely in the grip of health anxiety you really are. For now, please stop worrying about how you're affecting other people - the person that you are hurting the most is yourself.
You are keeping yourself in a constant state of distress by checking yourself and googling and then torturing yourself for being a terrible person for feeling that way. You haven't lost the plot, you're here looking for help because you want to get better but anxiety is a complicated and devious beast and it will keep trying to find ways to stay in control. It is a struggle - I've been doing it for 20 years and I'm only 27 - so please don't beat yourself up for not being able to 'get over it' in a few days/weeks. The important thing is that you want to beat it - and the first step to beating it is taking control and making a pact with yourself that it isn't going to own you. That really does mean NO GOOGLE. And maybe stay away from the HA threads which focus on reassuring people about symptoms and instead turn to the ones that focus on the negative thought processes which lead us to where we are. The 'symptoms' are almost irrelevant - what unites everybody here is the thoughts. You say in one post that now 'you have to worry about your smear results.' You don't. You're looking for that next worry almost before you've banished the last one - and sweetheart you will always, always find another worry, and if you're anything like me once you're ok with yourself you'll move to your loved ones! You really just have to stop looking.
I don't know how it is for you but being in that constant state of worry, moving from one illness to another meant that I was just being vigilant and responsible - and that if I ever got an illness it would because I wasn't responsible enough, so I deserved it. I also thought I probably deserved it anyway because I was a terrible person - and because I was scared it MUST mean that there was a legitimate physical reason for that fear. Because I'm not stupid. I know how I feel. It wasn't until reading your posts and hearing the desperation in them that I realised how bad I was this time last year. I really do know what you're going through and I do just want to give you a big hug. I can also tell you that, aside from the ankles, I have felt pretty much everything that you've described on here and been scared of pretty much everything you've described.
You aren't alone but you just have to start taking control of the anxiety firstly and foremostly - if you absolutely need to, go to the doctor about your latest worry but do not leave until you have told them about the anxiety in all its gory details. Any doctor worth their salt will take you seriously - and maybe start doing some reading of your own about health anxiety. That was a really big step for me - it was a bit of a revelation. I still keep my book by my bed and dip in when I'm feeling low. Sorry, I realise this is a mammoth post but I just want to make sure you're ok. I know I'm a stranger but feel free to send me a message if you need somebody to talk to.
Chin up lady - be kinder to yourself.
A
x
Hey ya hunny, I know how your feeling. Message me if you want to talk? xx
Hi Amy :)
How are you feeling today? I read your posts last night but didnt reply because to be honest I dont think any of what I would have written would have reassured you...I dont think anyone will be able to reassure you, other than yourself and a gp or hospital staff.
Do you have any counselling for your anxiety?
I am so sorry that you are going through what you are. It must be very stressful.
Let us know how you are today please. :hugs:
Thanks everyone.
I was at doctor yesterday with my mum and she sat and explained to him as best as she could what has been happening with me and he was very nice.
She explained that I did this once before when I was about 12 when I was severely depressed and that I kept complaining about phsyical ailments and saying I was dying and I had cancer etc.
I told him that I keep going from one thing to another and I've lost the plot.
I told him the new worries are moles and freckles that COULD have been there but now I have noticed them and the scab thing on my nipple and my ankle aswell as worrying about my smear result and gettin ultrasound...and he calmly spoke to me..I must have been in there for half an hour and you only get ten mins per normal appointment..
I think the waiting room must have been p****d.
He looked at the mole thing on my arm and said it was round and was okay..I showed him one on my leg and he said that he didn't see anything wrong with it but for my own reassurance he would send me to a dermatologist cos it was sort of a "flame" shape as he said.
He asked all about my menal health and I explained I see a psychologist every fortnight usually. And was due to see him tomorrow and he called them and tried to speak to him to fill him in kinda..I feel stupid now because I phoned to see what time I was today and I'm not til next Thursday. My head gets really confused with things. Dates,times..I'm real bad.
So yeah.. I'm still kinda freaked about the mole. I cannot win..
The ankle isn't worrying me as much though still sore.
I'm getting the lump in throat thing again. Which I know is anxiety but it didn't go for ages last time and I couldn't eat.
edit: my dad just banged his head and now I will freak about that..cos he wont go to hospital..I et so worried about head bangs.
*sigh* Literally just did.
Will try get on with it but this is hard.
Now then Amy
God, I thought I used to be a worrier :D
I know you've probably heard this a million times but you are far too hard on yourself! Your freckles and whatnot are normal, allow yourself to spend a minute thinking about that. The doctor found nothing wrong. As for the mole, the doctor is sensibly and quite correctly getting it checked out for your peace of mind. It doesn't mean there is anything to worry about.
If the worst comes to the worst (which it won't) the medical profession will take care of you and you will be fixed.
Don't worry about your dad. His head is tough enough to take a good knock, there is absolutely no need to scare yourself, don't even waste one moment thinking about it! What's the point? The worst he will feel is a mild headache. You've had headaches before -- they are annoying but perfectly tolerable :)
You don't sound depressed as such, you just sound like someone who is having a bad time of it due to morbid thoughts which are most likely caused by very low confidence and self-esteem. If you were a confident person you would not be spending so much time looking for illnesses that aren't there.
My advice to you would be to work on building your self confidence as a matter of priority. Have you got friends you can spend time with? You need a distraction from thoughts of illness.
Dear Wee-Mee,
The headline of your post caught my eye because it is word for word what I went through three weeks ago. I became convinced I had ovarian cancer and after several sever panic attacks I decided I just wanted to end it all because if I was going to die I wanted to have control over how I went. I realize it is more a feeling of exhaustion rather than a genuine desire to die but it gets so hard to go on. My husband and brother took me to the hospital and now I'm going through a lot of different treatments and my husband has done the same thing as your mom, took me to the doctor and agressively explained my fears and the doc patiently and very nicely repeated over and over again why I don't have cancer--but of course part of our problems is we don't believe our doctors, only our HA, right? Every day is such a struggle but I am fighting. I am a new member on this site but just really felt the need to reach out and tell you I know exactly how you feel, my list of fears is as long as yours, and it is so, so exhausting especially when you don't get the emotional support you need. A counselor I went to see kept saying, you don't make any sense, you are afraid of dying but you tried to kill yourself? Like she didn't believe me and that those feelings weren't possible. Reading your post has been a god-send to me, I am so sorry for how you have to feel, I wouldn't wish this anxiety on my worst enemy but it helps me to know I am not alone and not crazy! I keep everyone here in my thoughts and prayers, and know that we can get through this.
Thank you for sharing and letting me share with you.
Lindsay
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