View Full Version : Anxiety-keep thinking life is an illusion
For the past week I have been digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole of anxiety, one thought lead to another. It started off with what is the meaning of life, and now has come to the thought that life is an illusion and nothing really exsists. Crazy, yes. And I realize its crazy, but I can't stop thinking it, and then I try to tell myself its crazy, and then I tell myself im in denial. It's a vicious dangerous cycle.
I took myself to a&e on Sunday because of suicidal thoughts, because I seem to think if I die then everything else will cease to exsist because it is all in my head!
I just started on citalopram and trying relaxation cds.
My mind wont stop!
Anyone experienced anything similar? Anyone got any advice?
It's so draining!
Hi.....i go through a similar cycle most nights for many years. Thinking nothing really exists, and the whole once its over there will be nothingness as everything is in my head. I get the whole 'you are in denial' thing too..im like literally arguing with myself its bizarre!
Last night in particular it was the whole - how can we be the only life in the universe if its this big and how can it go on forever etc etc etc.....it sounds nuts, a bit sad and frankly like i should invest my energies elsewhere, but i really cant help it!! i get so many thoughts run through my head and they are never particularly nice things!
It really is draining! but i try and battle with my mind to think about other things, which is easier said than done but i often find replaying a good memory in my head can help. When relaxing doesnt help I try reading, drawing....anything distracting where i have to 'think' so it stops the train of thought, soo crosswords, puzzles etc
Hi !
How long have you been on citalopram for? Did the thoughts start happening from when you took them or before?
What you are describing sounds like the depersonalization and derealisation I experienced when at my very worst with anxiety. It makes the world seem surreal and can be very scary. I thought I had gone mad until I opened up to my therapist who told me its a very common symptom of anxiety. I experienced it for a while and then as I started feeling better and the anxiety subsided, so did the depersonalization and derealisation.
I too felt suicidal - part of me wanted to, so as to escape what I was going through, and the other part of medidnt want to - thankfully I never did go through with it! I spent lots of hours talking to the Samaritans back then who were a big help.
Anxiety is very draining - emotional stress has a massive effect on the body.
Life does get better - it wont seem like it at this moment but honestly take it from someone who had a breakdown and was at suicides door that it can and does get better. Its only now looking back that I can see how ill I was...now I am better, I love life and I am certainly not ending it over anxiety. A lot of people recover from anxiety and depression and there is so much help out there for us these days.
Have the suicidal thoughts started since taking citalopram or before?
I am now taking these tablets and finding them to be a big help. I have only just started on them and I get the ups and downs of my body and mind adjusting to them, but I can see the benefits already. Today I feel great - singing, cheerful and optimistic and yet this time last year I was being hospitalised!
Are you getting any counselling? Receiving any help from the mental health team or your gp?
Things will get better - it may not seem like it right now - but they will.
You did the right thing in getting to the A&E dept on Sunday due to suicidal thoughts. Please get help again immediately if you feel that way.
There are so many people on here who will relate to how you are feeling and who can be of a big help to you.
Hopefully things will eventually begin to get easier and better for you, and that the citalopram will really help you.
Hey, thanks your post gave me hope :) a read too much negative stuff so it was nice to read! I'm only on my second day of citalopram, the thoughts were before, only started last week actually so I got help pretty quick because it was driving me mad, still is a little but i think its getting a bit better. No suicidal feelings since sunday. So its a start! I don't want to die, I just didn't want to live with this anxiety and crippling depression. I just wanted to sleep to escape my thoughts. Only effects I'm feeling so far from citalopram is nausea and felt abit weird this morning. Really off my food, but I was before starting them anyway.
I get my first session of therapy next in 2 weeks. My GP was pretty useless, but he prescribed me citalopram so thats ok.
Are you on citalopram? How often do you go therapy?
Hi !
How long have you been on citalopram for? Did the thoughts start happening from when you took them or before?
What you are describing sounds like the depersonalization and derealisation I experienced when at my very worst with anxiety. It makes the world seem surreal and can be very scary. I thought I had gone mad until I opened up to my therapist who told me its a very common symptom of anxiety. I experienced it for a while and then as I started feeling better and the anxiety subsided, so did the depersonalization and derealisation.
I too felt suicidal - part of me wanted to, so as to escape what I was going through, and the other part of medidnt want to - thankfully I never did go through with it! I spent lots of hours talking to the Samaritans back then who were a big help.
Anxiety is very draining - emotional stress has a massive effect on the body.
Life does get better - it wont seem like it at this moment but honestly take it from someone who had a breakdown and was at suicides door that it can and does get better. Its only now looking back that I can see how ill I was...now I am better, I love life and I am certainly not ending it over anxiety. A lot of people recover from anxiety and depression and there is so much help out there for us these days.
Have the suicidal thoughts started since taking citalopram or before?
I am now taking these tablets and finding them to be a big help. I have only just started on them and I get the ups and downs of my body and mind adjusting to them, but I can see the benefits already. Today I feel great - singing, cheerful and optimistic and yet this time last year I was being hospitalised!
Are you getting any counselling? Receiving any help from the mental health team or your gp?
Things will get better - it may not seem like it right now - but they will.
You did the right thing in getting to the A&E dept on Sunday due to suicidal thoughts. Please get help again immediately if you feel that way.
There are so many people on here who will relate to how you are feeling and who can be of a big help to you.
Hopefully things will eventually begin to get easier and better for you, and that the citalopram will really help you.
Yea it's fair nuts but I'm going through the same thing at the moment :) and I should definetly invest my energies elsewhere, just don't have anything in my life at the moment. no job, dropped out of uni, broke up with my boyfriend...etc.
Hi.....i go through a similar cycle most nights for many years. Thinking nothing really exists, and the whole once its over there will be nothingness as everything is in my head. I get the whole 'you are in denial' thing too..im like literally arguing with myself its bizarre!
Last night in particular it was the whole - how can we be the only life in the universe if its this big and how can it go on forever etc etc etc.....it sounds nuts, a bit sad and frankly like i should invest my energies elsewhere, but i really cant help it!! i get so many thoughts run through my head and they are never particularly nice things!
It really is draining! but i try and battle with my mind to think about other things, which is easier said than done but i often find replaying a good memory in my head can help. When relaxing doesnt help I try reading, drawing....anything distracting where i have to 'think' so it stops the train of thought, soo crosswords, puzzles etc
Hi Penny :)
Thanks for your reply.
I am on citalopram and I have been taking them for about a month.
I started off feeling tired all the time, and 'spaced out', plus I would see things out of the corner of my eye - shapes would become dogs! Mad I know! and also I found my eyes were quite sensitive. I then felt great on them - really high, and then after that for past few days really down and flat, moody and tearful :weep: and then today really great again. I find myself singing a lot whilst taking these lol :D. I was on the verge of giving them up but others on this site have been really supportive and helpful and have encouraged me to continue taking them. It seems it takes a few weeks to really feel the benefits if taken properly and the right dosage found. I have read that a lot of people have the up and down days whilst taking them until they start to work fully.:wacko:
I used to get anxiety really severely, and already my anxiety has almost gone, I have found. I get stressed out when outdoors, but hopefully in time the citalopram will help me with this too.
I have therapy every 2 weeks. I am thinking of hypnotherapy but not sure about it yet.
I have found that my appetite has decreased but I have cravings for sweets!
My gp is pretty useless too - I dont understand what he mumbles on about mostly - but he is good at prescribing pills - he told me to start off on the lowest dose of citalopram and gradually build it up, to avoid unpleasant side effects.
I was like you when I was very ill with anxiety. I just wanted to sleep to get away from all the horrible feelings and I wanted to end it all (even though part of me didnt want to) to put an end to how I kept feeling. I am so glad that I didnt. Some people in life have it so much worse and they hang on in there and fight - people who have cancer and all the other diseases people can get. I try and look at it that way, that as bad as anxiety is, its not going to kill us, no matter how horrible it can feel.
I hope you feel better soon. Keep posting. You will get a lot of help and support on here. A lot of people on here are taking citalopram. :)
hey... just wanted to let you know you're not alone. i'm going through the exact same thing -- thinking life is an illusion, being baffled by the whole concept of life, wanting to escape my thoughts, feeling like i just woke up and realized that im alive (weird, i know). ive been hospitalized before as well for major panic and suicidal thoughts.
my depression is mostly gone (thanks to the sertraline), but i still have the weird intrusive thoughts and anxiety.
if you ever wanna talk, i could use someone to relate to. =)
you'll get through this. i have faith in myself and in you!
AntiLove_SuperStar
11-04-09, 23:25
Even if nothing "really existed"...wouldn't matter much, because whatever this life is, its pretty darn consistent! Solipsism isn't a widely respected philosophical position anyway, and there are plenty of books you can read about it : )
Even if nothing "really existed"...wouldn't matter much, because whatever this life is, its pretty darn consistent! Solipsism isn't a widely respected philosophical position anyway, and there are plenty of books you can read about it : )
thanks for that :) yes you are right, they are ridiculous thoughts and I'm starting to overcome them now, they just bug me more than anything at the moment. I don't believe the thoughts anymore, I just find them depressing.
starlight78
16-04-09, 18:51
Hi Penny,
Thanks so much for your post..
I really recognise the thoughts that you have... I had the wierdest thoughts and feelings about the universe and world and it totally freaked me out.. but reading the great advice on here has helped me realise that its derealisation and just another symptom of anxiety.. that has really helped me because i've dealt with so many symptoms and this is just another that i'll beat.
Please have hope.. all these symptoms pass with time and rest.. try as much as possible to not let yourself get caught up in the thoughts because there just symptoms..
Wishing you lots of luck xx
Hey Penny, and the rest of you.
I know exactly how you are feeling, I've had the depersonalization thoughts, the universal questions, what's the meaning of life, etc. And I am kind of getting through the other side. What you need to understand is that it is all because of anxiety, which I am discovering more and more is JUST an illness, like maybe back pain, or migranes. Only anxiety, once you've harnessed it, is a hell of a lot easier to deal with. It is NOT some secret, real view of the universe and eternity that you have stumbled across and will be forever burdened with alone, that sounds silly to type, and silly to read, but that is actually what I was wondering for a good few months when I was at my worst.
Thankfully I have worked my way through that now. The questions don't go away, but they don't make me feel anxious or panic in the way that they did.
That's not to say my anxiety's gone completely, but it's a lot easier now. Which has also eased my depersonalization more, right now I am feeling anxious because I could hardly sleep last night, and I've felt anxious throughout the day because I was worried about how little sleep I'd had last night. And I couldn't sleep last night because I was worried that I might not be able to sleep, and then I would feel bad all day. And yet I know that nothing was physically wrong with me after all of this because I had a driving lesson today, and I performed really well! There is nothing at all physically wrong with me, it is all in my mind, and it is all anxiety!
Which takes away any hold depersonalization had over me, if I feel anxious about things like that, then of course I'm going to feel anxious over these infinite questions, but then we feel anxious over all sorts of things, and since we were born we've never known the answers to those questions, so why should they effect my life any more now and in the future than they have done previously? They shouldn't, so they won't.
I know it's easier to say this when you're through the other end, but you will work through this yourself, and come to realise the same thing eventually.
As for the anxiety itself, it is a annoying, but when you work through it, it will ease. Your therapist will give you techniques to guide you through this, and your citalopram will help. I was on it for 3 years, and while I was on it I felt great. Use it to get yourself back on your feet so that you can attack the problems that caused your anixety head-on, whether they're internal issues or issues with the outside world.
Just know that suicide is not an answer, it is a waste of the very real future you have in front of you. So what if this is all some kind of illusion, when this illusion contains chocolate, amazing music, and the Bahamas, I'm quite happy surrounding myself with it for the next 50 years thanks :yesyes:
Anyway, essay over, if you wanna chat feel free to PM me.
Richey x
starlight78
16-04-09, 23:05
What a great post.. Thank you Richey xx
Thanks for your post, I understand what your saying. I am definetly at my worst right now. I came across the word 'solipsism', which someone mentioned on an earlier post...and it has destroyed me. I wasn't going to google it...but then I did. If anyone reads this and doesn't know what it is, I suggest you DO NOT read up on it.
I feel like I'm never going to get past this, but I have to! I don't really want to commit suicide. I'm freaking out so bad. It feels like everything is so pointless, I can't make plans for the future.
I need to stay off google, I just dig myself into a deeper and deeper hole.
I'm asking ridiculous questions that can never ever be answered, I need to accept this but not sure I can.
I wish I could feel positive and just push this stuff out of my mind, but It's so difficult. Some people come across these infinite questions and it never really bothers them, I want to be one of them people!!
Hey Penny, and the rest of you.
I know exactly how you are feeling, I've had the depersonalization thoughts, the universal questions, what's the meaning of life, etc. And I am kind of getting through the other side. What you need to understand is that it is all because of anxiety, which I am discovering more and more is JUST an illness, like maybe back pain, or migranes. Only anxiety, once you've harnessed it, is a hell of a lot easier to deal with. It is NOT some secret, real view of the universe and eternity that you have stumbled across and will be forever burdened with alone, that sounds silly to type, and silly to read, but that is actually what I was wondering for a good few months when I was at my worst.
Thankfully I have worked my way through that now. The questions don't go away, but they don't make me feel anxious or panic in the way that they did.
That's not to say my anxiety's gone completely, but it's a lot easier now. Which has also eased my depersonalization more, right now I am feeling anxious because I could hardly sleep last night, and I've felt anxious throughout the day because I was worried about how little sleep I'd had last night. And I couldn't sleep last night because I was worried that I might not be able to sleep, and then I would feel bad all day. And yet I know that nothing was physically wrong with me after all of this because I had a driving lesson today, and I performed really well! There is nothing at all physically wrong with me, it is all in my mind, and it is all anxiety!
Which takes away any hold depersonalization had over me, if I feel anxious about things like that, then of course I'm going to feel anxious over these infinite questions, but then we feel anxious over all sorts of things, and since we were born we've never known the answers to those questions, so why should they effect my life any more now and in the future than they have done previously? They shouldn't, so they won't.
I know it's easier to say this when you're through the other end, but you will work through this yourself, and come to realise the same thing eventually.
As for the anxiety itself, it is a annoying, but when you work through it, it will ease. Your therapist will give you techniques to guide you through this, and your citalopram will help. I was on it for 3 years, and while I was on it I felt great. Use it to get yourself back on your feet so that you can attack the problems that caused your anixety head-on, whether they're internal issues or issues with the outside world.
Just know that suicide is not an answer, it is a waste of the very real future you have in front of you. So what if this is all some kind of illusion, when this illusion contains chocolate, amazing music, and the Bahamas, I'm quite happy surrounding myself with it for the next 50 years thanks :yesyes:
Anyway, essay over, if you wanna chat feel free to PM me.
Richey x
hey penny... sorry i havent PMed you in awhile. just wanted to let to know that im right here with you, feeling the exact same way.
a lot of my depression has lifted because of the Sertraline im on... but the anxiety and intrusive thoughts are still there.
i know exactly how you feel about the suicidal thoughts... you dont want to die, but you're afraid that the thoughts will outweigh the coping skills and it'll push you over the edge. you just want to forget about the thoughts and be happy again... right?
trust yourself... in your heart you dont want to die, you just want relief. you're not going to do something stupid. it's going to get better!
googling = bad. lol i have to admit, i do it myself, but i need to stop. it just gets me worked up.
here's something that helps me a little: dont try to fight your thoughts, it'll only make them worse. just accept them. no matter how disturbing they are, just let them happen. in time, they'll lose their effect and they wont bother you as much. remember: they're just thoughts and they cant hurt you. =)
if you need to talk, i check my email more than my PMs. my email is kmlittleton@hotmail.com.
i know you're gonna get through this.
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