No Better...and Im killing my Marriage

[lotte_82]

Please advise.....I am killing my marriage, my husband says he cant understand what a 27 year old has to feel so down about (if I knew it would be great BUT i dont) so I feel really s**t and deflated...why cant he try to understand, AND Im fed up of reassuring him...giving him cuddles...why cant he reassure me ( i have asked him to BUT NO he just cant do it...instead he sits in silence) I have asked him to come to Drs with me(he shows no interest).....what more can i do. I dont have the strength to pretend everything is ok anymore!!

I did not ask to feel like this....depression and anxiety is not great, I feel like its my fault Im like this that I have caused myself this somehow. I dont feel to be recovering been on the AD's and Beta blockers for 6 weeks yet feel no better...in fact my depression is worse, with self harming and an ED to contend with also. Why is my life so much of a mess...sometimes I feel my Husband would be better off without me...he seems so unhappy when Im around and he cant even look at me..

Sorry for the rant any advice would be good:blush:

Lotte
x


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[lostsoul]

lotte

You are in luck, I was just literally just about to post virtually exactly the same thing about my girlfriend!! Its so difficult for people to understand when they are not going through it. I really understand where your coming from. At the end of the day its your hubbys problem not yours (in sickness and in health means in sickness and in health)

I'm not married, I had a breakdown last year and had five months off of work my job subsequently sacked me for my sickness (something I'm taking them to court for at the moment) since then my relationship has gone downhill as I'm unable to work or enjoy life anymore. Which is putting a huge strain on my relationship with my partner we cant afford the mortage on just her salary. At first she was understanding but now she says I've had a year to get better and I'm not trying hard enough to get better. If only it was that easy :shrug:

I've had the old 'If you loved me you would try harder' line a few times. Now we are barely speaking as she says I'm ruining her life. I can understand why because she had plans for us to have a family , we had just bought a house together when I got Ill now we are in a mountain of debt and sinking fast she see's no end to the situation and I've been given the ultimatum 'get well now or I leave you' which is'nt fair and I have a feeling its just said in desperation.

Anyway my point is try not to blame yourself. None of us asked to get ill and god knows if we all could we'd find that magic cure tommorow.

I know its hard but I"m trying to take the attitude 'what will be will be' if the person you are with is not willing or able to support you when you really need them, then what would happen if god forbid you had something life threatening. Love should be unconditional. In my case I'm starting to think that if thats not the case then maybe this person is not for me? But yours could be completely different.

I think you need to find a way of communicating to your hubby - even if you have to write it down- sounds like a cop out but even by e-mail or text - oddly I find this helps me as our conversations invariably lead to arguments. You cant be interupted if you write it down.

If you ever need to talk please P/M me:)

[eurotrashcub]

Hey.

DOnt get down. You have been on the medication for six weeks only, wait for another month and chances are you will feel much much better.

Then you will be prepared to give your husband a telling off and show him who is wearing the trousers!

No buit seriously, try to talk to him, and tell him that you will feel better, that you just need some time for the medication to work. It will work you know. It is not a miracle cure, but you will feel better.

He should be more understanding but people are different, they do what they think it is best at any given situation. I am sure it is very hard for him as well.

Ricard

[eternally optimistic]

Hi

I was much the same as you.

I went on medication and eventually the relationship between my hubbie and kids all improved.

Give your medication a chance and you'll get there.

If you start to relax and not worry sooo much about him you'll be fine.

Hope it all works out/

[cheeringup]

Hi,

Im in the same situation although were not married - I dont actually think he likes me that much anymore. He says he loves me but he cant cope with how I over react about little things......the truth is Im just so scared all the time about everything, what people think of me, how fat I am, how ugly I am, how old I look, that someone better will take him away from me, I dont like change as Im scared of it and Im making the biggest mess of my relationship Ive ever known!!! I say silly things and then regret them as soon as Ive said them - I sometimes think Im going mental....

So my advice and it seems to be working for me is just keep anxieties to myself or talk to my mum (who is an absolute godsend!) or chat to my best friend (who I couldnt live without as she is better than sliced bread) - I have to stop myself from speaking straight away through total panic and I take myself away and just think it over.....doesnt work everytime may I add as sometimes my panic just grips me and ...voila..verbal diarrhoea!!!

Ive been on Citilopram for the last 3 weeks now and Im feeling calmer - hated the side effects but I was lucky as they cleared up after 3 days - Im hoping they kick in soon and I can be the loveable funny girl that he would walk 10 thousand miles for again.

Hope you manage to work things out - stay positive hun and make sure you take time for yourself because if your anything like me I try to over compensate to get him to love me (although he does and him not loving me is all in my head!) and then I forget me time - its important.

Raine xxx

[angel 2]

I've been in this situation also.My husband doesn't understand Anxiety,panic and depression and can't handle it well. In fact he can't handle any illnesses well at all. He wants me back the way I was WELL SO DO I. I have to try so hard to be normal for his sake even though I'm falliing apart at the seams. I don't want to lose him that would be worse.I'm constantly trying to look pleasant and smile (difficult) but who knows it might be helping, The other day my husband said sorry to me the first time ever in 35 yrs of marriage. Perhaps he's noticed i'm trying ! Good luck angel

[Wibble]

Hi Lotte -I have been lucky with my partner who has really tried to understand the mess that I have been in for the last four years.

It was difficult at first, she wasn't sure a) what was wrong with me and b) how to react to my issues. I am walking away from the "black hole" at the moment and am finding that I can talk to her more now that I could whilst I was at the bottom of the black hole.

I didn't recognise that my issues were causing her issues as everything was about me me me !!! I just wanted her to be there, understand and HELP, but her demands for normality (whatever that is) were a pressure that I could not deal with at the time and felt sometimes that it would be better if I was either single or gone.

A friend recommended a book called - Living with a black dog.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/1845297431/ref=pd_sim_b_1

This was a real help and it said so many of the things to my partner that I couldn't say myself. It provoked conversation and understanding. It is very basic, but at least it shows that you are aware that your illness is affecting someone and that you want to do something about it.

The thing for me was I had been so wrapped up in myself, the very act of saying - "Look you know I am ill, I have bought this book and want you to read it to try and understand a little bit about where I am."

Once read, it started a conversation, that has been on going.....

You see, people find it difficult to ask those sort of questions. It's a bit like asking a person in a wheelchair, why they are in a chair.... you just don't. It is especially difficult when that someone you want to ask is a friend, relative or lover.

Give it a try. The link above is to amazon and there is the ability to preview a few pages.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, be in touch if you think I can help further.... but please give this a try and please talk to your partner... silence in this situation is deafening.

Regards

M

[lotte_82]

Thanks for all you replies.....

Just an update really....i am killing my marriage!!!

My hubby is less understanding than ever...

Wibble...I got the book...At the moment my hubby wont really look at it, in fact he went mad...saying Im making him feel like s**t :weep:

He does not understand...in fact i dont think he even wants to, he just wants me 'to snap out of it' (i wish!!!) My mood at the minute feels lower than ever and sometime I wonder if it would be better for all nif I was no onger here!!

This life is rubbish, I am rubbish and i am sad

xxx

[cheeringup]

Thanks for all you replies.....

Just an update really....i am killing my marriage!!!

My hubby is less understanding than ever...

Wibble...I got the book...At the moment my hubby wont really look at it, in fact he went mad...saying Im making him feel like s**t :weep:

He does not understand...in fact i dont think he even wants to, he just wants me 'to snap out of it' (i wish!!!) My mood at the minute feels lower than ever and sometime I wonder if it would be better for all nif I was no onger here!!

This life is rubbish, I am rubbish and i am sad

xxx

Hi Lottie

What Ive done ...and Im not saying this is the right way for you....is not to try to get him to understand it...mine doesnt understand too and at time I feeling like he is saying Im mad!!! So Ive started to concentrate on just feeling better and looking after myself for a while....I cant continue to worry about anyone else at the mo because the problem lies with me....how can I expect my other half to love me if I dont love myself and how can I expect him to support me when I dont try myself.

My advice.....for what its worth....look after yourself firstly....make you happy and when you can be happy and feel fulfilled then things may just improve with hubby...common sense really but we never see it when were feeling like this.

Life would not be better without you here...you would miss out on all the good things that you have yet to experience and the things that make you smile, laugh and just feel content.

Life is hard for everyone of us who write on here....your definately not alone sweetie pie.....we all have our ups and downs and good days/bad days. Its good that your sharing your experience as there are lots of lovely people on here to support you at this time :hugs:


You are definately not rubbish, life is rubbish because of how you feel, but when you feel better you will realise that life is great but you just cant see it as that yet. Indeed you are sad...Im sure your very frightened....sadness is an awful feeling to be feeling....

If you need a friend...just shout

Much love
R xxx

ps dont beat yourself up for how you feel, feelings are very real and its ok that your feeling them. See if you can try new feelings today.....distract yourself with something you enjoy....feel positive with sadness...dont let sadness take over you...your much stronger than sadness lovely lady. :yesyes:

[emma30982]

your not rubbish! far from it
i think people who witness theirlove ones in this state truly find it hard to understand. I remember saying to my partner if i could just touch you and make you feel how i feel for even a second your understand. Also i think people get scared of the words mental health and try there best to ignore it. We cant mae people understand only try. Maybe give him a few websites to visit on depression so h can read about what it actually is then his understanding might be better. I think you shouldn't beat yourself up about it though (even though i have) i think we all have to just take it a day at a time and one we will all see the light at the end of the tunnel. i think you did the right thing joining this website as you can share how you feel with other people in the same situation also vent some of the frustrations you have.
big hug
emma x

[emma30982]

Also what meds r u on and is it the first time you have taken them for your depression?