View Full Version : Cannot do this anymore.
I honestly feel that i will never ever be well, in any sense of the word.
How can i possibly start fighting panic attacks and agoraphobia when i feel so ill every-single-day?
I never have any energy to get out of bed even and when i do, i feel like going straight back. I have aches/pains all over me. I'm due a CT scan on my abdomen and pelvis in a couple of weeks, so alongside having terrible pains from my gallbladder (area), i'm having eye pain and headaches too.
I look ill. I look grey and i have the biggest black bags under my eyes that make me look even worse.
I don't see the point to anything anymore.
I give up.
reallyfedup
07-04-09, 18:23
I am right there with you.... I have been in bed for last 2 weeks with such terrible panic and anxiety it has made me ruddy depressed. Taking a cocktail of meds that mess with my head too. What can we do to turn this around for ourselves......I know we don't want to feel like this? X:bighug1:
:hugs: hang in there sarah - you know you are strong enough to get through this, it is a horrible way to live, but you can and must go on. look at all the success stories - you can have that too, nobody is any stronger or better than you, recovery isnt exclusive to everyone else you know, take care, emma xxxxx:hugs:
i know exactly how you feel i feel same never a day goes by without feeling rubbish hope you feel better soon
amandaxx
:hugs:
Sarah I am sending you hugs....I dont know what to say really apart from the fact I am thinking of you, I myself am not doing very well at all (same old s**t - different day:mad: )
I know every day is hard for us, and I am never sure what tomorrow brings....I dont even hope anymore that tomorrow will be better.
BUT one thing I do know is that you are NOT a s**t person...I am fairly new here and already you have sent me messages that make me realise I am not so insane for being like this!!
Take care and if you want to talk P/M me if you like...
Lotte
xx
This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter
I have been through many illnesses and tough times at present I have problems with my heart. Always look forward to the day you will get over this episode as I have come through cancer as well .Illness is not your destination it is just part of the journey
Hi Sarah
I watched you on the Ruby Wax Headroom series online. You were talking about agoraphobia, which I suffer with. You came across as a really strong person, very eloquent, and although you have your problems, you seemed very much like you were in control. I really related to what you said.
I have not been anywhere as long as agoraphobic as you have, so my problem is teeny in comparison. You have to be a strong person because you are still here battling on, others would have given in by now.
I am so sorry you are so down.
I managed to get out yesterday for a short while and it was hell getting out there but I felt so much better for it, albeit worn out and feeling sick from the Baileys!
I dont know anything about your struggle, but do you have any therapy or help in helping you overcome your agoraphobia at all?
Are you not able to get out at all - even into your garden?
You looked really pretty in the programme and I didnt think you looked ill at all. The first thing I noticed was how lovely looking you are.
I know when I dont get out for any fresh air that my eyes get dark circles and my skin looks sallow, so I just sit in my garden for short bursts.
I wish there was something that could just magic away all of our troubles - I really feel for you.
Faith...
That is an excellent post! It is so inspiring - thank you.
eurotrashcub
07-04-09, 21:54
Of course you can!!!
ANd believing you can is the first part to actually getting better!
You are a senior member. You know what you have gone through.
Giving up is not an option.
Things can get better and they will get better. I bet you have your ups and downs like everybody and you are going through a rough patch.
Remember last time you felt happy/ish. You can feel like that again.
CHIN UP! CHIN UP!
Hugs
Thank You All For Your Replies! :hugs:
I am hoping this week is just one of those weeks, you know? Although i can't go out alone, i also HATE being indoors for such long periods of time. Since last Thursday i have only been out once, on Sunday. I am at that point where i am desperate to go away...(with mum of course)...but to get away from my house, these tiny 4 walls. Being trapped here all day every day is depressing enough as it is, and now its the school holidays and i feel really unwell, i feel such a bad mother and i can't help feeling sorry for my boy. Bless him, he's so good...he never moans about being bored or fed up, he knows that i haven't felt well this week.
REALLYFEDUP - You are right, we don't want to feel like this, but personally i am SO effing tired of trying to be well and getting no where. I wish one day i could wake up and feel well. This morning i woke up with chronic dizziness (i have inherited inner ear problems), i couldn't even walk to the bathroom i was so bad. It definitely wasn't a good start to today. It took until 3pm for me to feel able to even walk without falling over :scared15:
EMMAS - Thanks hun :hugs:
AMANDA - Wouldn't it be nice, just to have a break...just for a wee while??
Thanks for your reply. x
FAITH - You're right, this is all part of the journey, but like i keep saying, just one day to feel well - thats all i want...just a wee break from it all...so i can gather up some energy to keep battling on.
POPPY - Thank you! I certainly don't look like that...it was good lighting on that day...didn't show up my hideous flaws.
You did SOOO well getting out yesterday, i was so happy when i read that you got to the PO (with or without Baileys - who cares?).
I've been having CBT for a year, personally, its not helped me, i really think i am unhelpable (if thats a word). My therapist actually said to me that i was one of the only people in his career (LONG TIME) that hasn't made any progress! That made me feel wonderful. I'm not on meds, won't use them.
I wish i had a magic wand to take it all away...
EURO - I have had periods of massive self belief and then depression hits and there is nothing you can do to stop it and all that hard work of feeling positive is taken away in an instant. My "rough patch" has been going on since 2005. I was in good recovery from 2002 - 2005, but it's gone seriously downhill. I have had periods of being housebound again in these last 4 years - i really don't know how i can get well or even IF i can get well.
x
I feel like it will never go away. I say to myself it will pass. It always passes. I don't know how many hours or days it might take, but I do know that it always slowly eases away, until the next thing happens. I can worry about all the garbage in my mind later, when I get to write it down & it might make more sense.
Pain makes life exhausting. It tricks the mind into thinking things that aren't really true. My panic attacks come from the people who have disbelieved my pain & bullied me to push on, which hurt me so much more. That was the first time I ever collapsed & the managers said I was just mentally ill or faking it, but I'd never had the mental illness before. The bullies are gone now, but I am my own bully. I think I "should" be able to do everything everyone else can, even though I have the chronic pain. I try to push myself too hard & hurt myself again, then I beat up on myself for pushing too hard, or for being too weak & pathetic, because that's what lots of people say you're meant to do. I feel like I can't win. I just have to accept my limitations whether I like it or not.
I can't say what's right for you, except to remember to be more kind to yourself.
We all have phases of thinking we cannot live like this anymore when it all seems too much to bear.
Since my first PA back when I was 19 (I'm 46 now) I've gone through depression, anxiety, the full works really. On so many occasions I've thought that I couldn't carry on but I have, even though it has been a total nightmare.
Unfortunately, the only person that can improve your life is you. The only way to break away from the four walls of your "safe" place is to get out there and actually face your fears.
Think through your negative thoughts as to what might happen to you should you venture outside. Replace each negative with a positive. Needs a lot of practice but really does work.
Each day take steps to free yourself from your "safe" place. Stand at the front door, open the front door, take a step outside. This may take a while but it is the only way to do it. You have to make yourself take those steps, hard though it will be.
I have also stopped beating myself up over the things I wont do. Guilt is pointless. If you can get yourself to the point of at least living a bit, it can become a lot more tolerable. I just avoid things I don't want to do and accept it. That was a lightbulb moment for me when I finally decided that I would accept myself for what I am and not feel guilty about it :yesyes:
Kate
:hugs: for sarah and for all - you can and will recover - being depressed is not a bad sign when you are dependant from agoraphobia - it may takes months and months of feeling like this before you say ' ihave had enough of this!' - i was exactly like you sarah - soooo dependant - to some extent i still am - how far can i drive on my own? only 10 miles - so how am i going to get further - depend on someone else! - beofe this would have made me feel bad about myself - now i just accept it and i know that one day it wont be the case - it doesnt matter to me how long this struggle goes on for -BUT you will not get well while you doubt and dislike yourself - i kept saying the same things as you - i cant bear it, i cant go on, i would only have fleeting glimpses of normality and they themselves would depress me - its your brain screaming for you to get out there and live your life!!!!! you go loads of places with yor mum - so what is she providing that you cant provide for yourself? if you collapse she can look after you? you can do that yourself!!!!dont make other ppl bigger and more capable than you - if they suffered what you fel every day theyd be locked up by now!!!! nobody can feel happy and be like this - you can do things without your mum - you can also do thigns with your mum - but you need to find some power with in you to do this for yourself and your son - take him with you, hes old enough to ge thelp if you needed it now - same as my daughter - i still feel happier going to town with her than on my own! the stupid thoughts dotn always go away, but you learn to ignore them - thye dont make you react anymore - someone will help you if you were sick, or you could help youself - it only takes seconds to ring for an ambulance on your mobile - we are not alone!!!! take comfort from that and take your son out for a walk - he will become your support, but in a better way coz you wont depend so much on him - take a piece of paper and write every single thing youve ever done well on there - even things liek i make a lovely bacon butty!!! you list EVERYTHING - on mine was i can ride a bike well? and i am good at the gym!!!!:D loads of ppl can do that, but so can i!!!! so it means i m good at something! yo have to stop beating yorself up to get well - you didnt ask to be like this, it is causing you untold pain and misery - so stop it now!!!! little by little work to turn it around - you have all our support - th efirst steps are the hardest believe me - it does get easier -i have a phobia of being with my daughter alone - well i did have - after my anxiety started i had th ethoughts what if i kill her?, and like yuo sarah that was enough for me to completely avoid any opportunity that could do that - so for years and years i was dependant on my mother-in-law - well no more!!! - yesterday my husband was in sheffield, i odnt know where my mil was and me and my daughter had a lovely day together - first we had an appointment i had to got to - she came with me - then we went to town, then we went swimming and we had a lovely lovely time - however this would have nearly killed me if id been saying all the negative stuff to myself - and it would have nearly killed me whe i was exposing - but i am sick to death of having to be a different person to get the help and support - i wasnt vorn that weak needy person - an dim not going to die that way - be careful of ppl who dont want you to get well - we all want each other to get well - i want more than anything for you to feel how i did yesterday - you will do and im offering you my support to help you to get there!!!!:hugs:
Emma - That is an amazing post! :yesyes:
:hugs: thanks poppyc, i am here for anyone to cheerlead if they want to get better - sometimes ppl in your own life dont seem to want you to get well - they dont encourage you, they dont understand you, they dont have time for you? but they will keep you dependant - if any agoraphobics recognise this pattern, then you must make moves to reverse it - nobody else in your life who is allowing you to be like this will do it for you - and if your situation is anything like mine your going to have to be doubly strong becasue when youu no longer need them you may get a nasty shock about how they treat you then - you may come to see that you were easier to deal with when you didnt have a life of your own - agoraphobia is complex and it doesnt always only involve the sufferer - i want to help anyone with encouragement who finds themselves controlled and manipulated:hugs:
I do not like the fact that your cbt counsellor said you are the only person who has not made any progress He is an idiot. I have had agoraphobia since I was 19 after a car accident I am now 59 ,I have had freudian therapy in the seventies , dessensitisation in the eighties, and been told so much crap by many of them the therapists ruined my life with the rubbish I have been told. I have cbt and it is the best way to deal with these thoughts after all I have enough experience of doing it other ways. You really could do with finding a therapist that you like and click with someone who uses cbt and other approaches that they think would be helpful. I have to pay for the help I need. my daughter has a degree in psychology so I feel like I have grown my own psychologist, joke! I firmly believe that we can be helped we just have to find the person to do it , that is the hard bit.
:yesyes: yes i sort of agree, i have had nhs provided therapy and councelling and it never helped me much to get better - it did help but not in any real sense - i still behaved in a self-destructive manner.
but to find my therapist that helped me i had to pay well over 1k - not everyone can afford that - cbt did help me - but i believe in time mindfulness based cbt will be the way forward - there is none of the demanding nature of cbt - the demand to rid yourself of anything bad - mindfulness is so accepting that you can just get along with all the negativity - to the extent that accepting and getting close to it paradoxially makes it go:yesyes: i still recommend to anyone suffering and not getting any joy out of any method to take alook at jon kabat zinn's work - you have nothing to lose and everything to gain - if ppl were prepared to give the linden method a go i cant see why mindfulness wouldnt be given equal opportunity to try to help?:yesyes:
I've got a good book on Mindfulness and acceptance, the problem for me, i have ZERO concentration. I read 2 pages and i get bored. That is another one of my downfalls.
:) have you got a jon kabat zinn book though?
in it he explains that worrying about being bored etc is just another part of the doing mind - you can be bored and be mindful so long as you are aware you are bored - that is mindfulness! you dont have to stop yourself being bored you just have to accept it and be aware of it - magic hey?:yesyes:
:D i didnt finish properly:blush: saying that boredom is one of your downfalls is the doing mode of mind - you are judging yourself, because you think you need to acheive something - the essence of mindfulness is acheiving nothing -just 'being' no matter how you find yourself in any given moment - be that bored, angry, sad, happy, jealous etc etc - but you are mindful of that feeling and you dont judge that feeling, judging means you arent accepting how you feel in any given moment and so it means you are trying to get to another state of mind - th eopposite of mindfulness!:yesyes:
I've watched the John Kabat Zinn video on youtube...its one of my favourites on my page.
:yesyes: sarah, that guy has saved me!!!! i mean it - all my progress is down to him and the book - the mindful way through depression freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness - please buy it, it comes with cds so you can listen to his lovely voice and feel like hes there with you - one day i hope to go to a mindfulness retreat - i am doing it every day in my normal routine and its stopping me from being in the past or being too far in the future, 2 places i really dont want to be!:weep: :wacko: :mad: - and i feel good for the first time in 12 years - i feel strength i have never ever felt, i still struggle but i am being mindful of the struggle so i can cope- i so wish you well sarah, you have been on nmp for as long as i have - maybe longer? - im sure that if it can help me, it can help you too, i was desperate, i had lost every shred of self-esteem and confidence - i relyed every day on 2 other ppl - they wanted to keep me down - they still do - but thanks to that guy i will no longer be scared of life :yesyes: he says in his book and in his cds, it is a matter of life or death - it is that profound and he understands that sarah, thats why i love him, he understands the misery ppl live in - i also have a text book that he co-wrote with professors from this country - they all got nhs funding to research mindfulness based cbt for depression - that doesnt happen unless you really have something to say - please beleive in this method and this teacher:yesyes:
BELLE.. you are a strong person..you can do it we all can..just hang in there babe..bad day,,more good days to come.xx
Plumpetals
10-04-09, 09:40
Hi Belle,
I’m new to the website and was just reading your post. I’ve been suffering from overwhelming anxiety as well and for me, it manifests itself physically – all the aches and pains … the headaches are the worst.
Take it one day at a time, one step at a time – always thinking of the end goal of making it through the day and hopefully feeling a bit better at the end of it. I know it’s hard; it’s a constant struggle, but don’t give up.
I just linked to your blog and though I haven’t had a chance to read through it all, it looks like you do have a lot of strength inside you that will help you pull through.
Thank you Tetley.
Its just so hard, especially around the holidays when i can't do the normal things that one would do if they were......"normal".....
x
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