I don't think I can go on

[Kurukulla]

In addition to my general anxiety I'm suffering from so many illnesses that I haven't had a day for months in which I haven't felt had nausea or pain. My IBS is so bad that I'm scared to go out let alone work, I've had painful stomach acid which has kept me awake for weeks and in pain in the day. I just got that sorted and now I've got excrutiating sinusitis, my GP has given me doxycillin which are making me feel nauseous and I've just been sick. And my stomach acid is back.

My job is demanding and I'm on a temporary promotion, but I've been so ill that I'm on an absence procedure that could leave to a disciplinary. I've told my GP and he's offered me more pills (I've just come off antidepressants) but I don't think this is my solution. He's also said that I should tell my employer more but I think they are losing patience with me and anyhow I think that would lead to a prolonged absence from work and I'd feel like a failure.

I have no energy, no will to carry on. I cannot see the point of anything. I don't have any friends to speak of. I've got problems in my personal life which mean I don't really get any support at home. The only thing I have got is my beautiful daughter and she's the only reason I'm still here tonight. But I'm letting her down because I'm so ill all the time.

[PoppyC]

Hello! :)
I am so sorry to hear the way that you are feeling and that you are not getting any support.
I am sorry as well that you have not had any replies off the site. However there seems to be a lot of posts at the moment.
You are not letting your daughter down! You are not well. That is not a sign of weakness. You didnt ask to be ill. Please dont think that.
Have you told your gp exactly how you are feeling?
I agree with your gp that you should tell your employer how unwell you are - your gp will be able to back you up on this and I cannot see how they can force you out of your job because you are ill. If you have a medical certificate off the gp this would be illegal I am sure?
Do you have any counselling at all? Is there anyone within your family that you can talk to? anyone at all?
You say that you have just come off anti depressants? Why? You still sound very depressed to me. Were the ones you were taking not working.
I know from personal experience that when I was at my worst with anxiety that it really affected my stomach with nausea and acid plus vomiting constantly. Anxiety really affects our physical health - I had never realised until then just how much it does.
I am so sorry you are feeling as you are - I have been there and its terrible - but it can and does get better. It wont always be like this for you. It feels like it will be at the time but eventually it does get better with the right help.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are.
Hugs to you :hugs:

[reallyfedup]

hi there... Ditto everything poppy has said. You can't be sacked for being ill. I have been off work since beg of December. Thought I was getting better then had a relapse 2 weeks ago, which has set me right back. Its not my fault this had happened just like its not your fault you are unwell. Just keep thinking about my kids when I am really bad too. Your daughter is your reason for wanting to get better so stay strong even when you feel you can't bear any more. Talk to the dr though. X:bighug1:

[Kurukulla]

Thank you for your kind replies :hugs: I came off the meds because to be honest in the two years I took them I saw very little improvement. I think I may be cyclomanic which is a mild form of bipolar and the meds do nothing for this condition, if anything they make some of the symptoms worse. As for counselling I've had plenty in the past CBT, talking therapy, hypnosis all make little difference in the long term - again the problem being that by the time I'm getting the counselling I've usually cycled out of the depression and into mania and feel I have nothing to complain about.

I feel my depression is a moving target that even I struggle to understand. Sometimes I can conquer the world and other times I cannot crawl from the dark caves of my mind.

But this time it's my anxiety that's hitting me hardest and telling me that this latest black despair is something out of the ordinary. I'm finding it hard to be in environment with other people I just panic and need the loo. I've spent the last week pretty much in bed. I know I'm getting on my husband's nerves because the house is a mess and I can't cook cos i feel so damn sick. Also I'm afraid to go back to work and tell them that I'm ill yet again - they promoted me knowing about my anxiety/depression and I told them it wouldn't be a problem and now it is and i feel that i have duped them in some way.

My GP treats all my illnesses in isolation. I want him to see the bigger picture now but it so difficult to see the same person twice that there's no joined up thinking to my treatment at all.

Frankly I feel like life is a merry-go-round that I just need to step off for a bit.:weep:

[PoppyC]

Hi again
You sound so down. I am so sorry.
You say you think you may be cyclomanic...have you had this confirmed?
You also say your meds didnt work. Did you try others or just stuck with one?
I am a bit confused by you saying your gp treats all your illnesses in isolation?
I think you need to go back to your gp and tell him exactly how you are feeling and if you are not happy with the help you are receiving then try seeing another gp. Do the mental health team help you in any way?
I dont have much experience of depression, unless you count the breakdown I had, but that was mostly anxiety. I was bed bound and room bound for a long time and seemed to spend my time between the bed and bathroom being ill.
I am so much better now I am almost like a different person so there is hope - it wont always be like this for you. You can get better.
How is your husband helping? Does he realise how unwell you are feeling. I would switch off about getting on his nerves cos you think the house is a mess and the meals are not cooked. You are unwell - I am sure he can cope. Would you expect him to cook and clean if he was unwell?
As I mentioned in my previous message - I would be open and honest with your employer and as long as you are covered by your gp your employer will not be able to force you out of your job. You are unwell and it would be all the same if you had any other illness.
You say you feel that life is a merry-go-round that you need to step off...I am assuming you mean in terms of taking time out to recover? You do need and you need to do so without stressing about things like your job, the housework or the family meals. When I had my breakdown I just fully switched off and I needed to do that in order to get better. It takes time and months on I am still recovering and I am now on medication for the first time in my life. I am finding that it is really helping me.
Is there anyone else who you know who can be of support to you in any way?
Hugs to you.:hugs:
Please go back to see your gp. Keep posting too. There are a lot of people who will be able to help you on this site.