living with our anxieties and how it influences behaviours within the family.

[claire m]

I am posting this topic in the general anxiety section as it is a kind of general about my different anxieties and the way they affect my personal lives with my children and my partner.

I always was an anxious child as my parents had a volatile relationship, my dad is an alcoholic and towards the end of there marriage (when i was 13 years old) the relationship had turned violent. There was also alot of police involved as my mum got an injunction out against my dad as he was mixing in some criminal circles and did not want wants us mixing with these people.
I remember being at school and my head of year said to me that if i did not get some support then by the time i left this school i would be on course for a breakdown, which was correct and at 16yrs old i was hospitalized for the first time for 3 mths for severe anxiety and agoraphobia causing me to not even being able to get down the stairs.

4yrs later i lost my brother to a binge drinking session with my dad.

the effect these events have had on me have shaped me into the way i am today at times stronger then others its been rock bottom.

Only now having my own family and being married for almost 10yrs can others start to see how my anxieties are effecting those around me.

I find it very difficult to go out but force myself everyday i am ok in the village but as soon as i need to go any further the anxiety and panic kicks in and i find it almost impossible to speak. people who dont know me so well must think im moody but its i just find it really difficult to talk, i have alienated myself from every possible friendship because i cant socialise the way most people do and if there is something that i have to go to i am in the loo almost all night throwing up.

my eldest boy who is 8. is rather more sensitive than his younger brother and has started to show signs of behaviours that worry me like a lot of washing and cant sleep until his bedroom is all neat, i know this is what he gets from me.

The effect it is having on my marriage is massive i constantly snap at my husband as is idea of getting me to recover is by just forcing me into situations that i dont want to be in, it causes alot of tension and i never seem to enjoy anything we do together as the 'fear' is always there so the smile is a fake smile as behind it im scared.
When my husband wants to go out at a weekend i am a wreck and shake uncontrollably i worry that he wont come home that he will be really drunk and fears of the past resurface everytime.

I am currently on medication for anxiety but i have lived like this for so long i feel that this is the way i am now and i can live like this im just not sure if anyone else can live with me the way i am.

[lotte_82]

HI....Sorry you are having a bad time :hugs:

I too am suffering in a similar way to yourself....my husband is also pushing me to recover (cant undersatnd why I am so miserable, dont want to go out/socialise, always hide under my hat)

I dread the weekends, I feel like I have to plaster on the smile and look normal (what is normal...I dont know??) Its hard when even them closest to us cant really help.

Have you tried explaining to him how you feel when he is out drinking? How it impacts your anxiety?

Love
Lotte
xx

[happyone]

Claire, much of your post brought back echoes of my past. Alcoholic parents and the chaos that this brings, an extremely supportive teacher at secondary, losing my brother at age 12. He went to a party and never came back as he had an accident when there. I had my first real bout of anxiety/depression at age 17 and have had times of illness on and off until age 35 when I was diagnosed as having bipolar mood disorder. I often doubt the diagnoses and think it is more likely to be due to my past, but whatever, the meds help.

My husband….like yours…thinks the way to get me to get better is to go and confront my situation. It is difficult for him as he has not always known me like I am now. He met me when I was well and any bouts of depression and anxiety I have had have always been situational and time limited. This has now been going on 3 years of a yo yo exsistence but some factors, like yourself, have just gotten worse. Going out and socialising just doesn’t happen for me anymore. Friendships have fallen by the wayside…although I suspect that has a lot to do with my mental health and friends difficulty in coping with that. I do however, have difficulties in communicating with new people.

In terms of how it affects my family….well, I used to get dreadfully ill at the thought of my husband going out. I was convinced he would get drunk, run over or some other accident. I used to do anything to get him to stay in. CBT helped me with this aspect of my life….and medication. When he goes out now, I have to take a sleeping pill.

My husband…it is hard for him. He is a real friendly chap who cannot understand why I am like I am. I had a quarrel with him recently as he was being really horrible to me about my current anxiety levels and taking the mickey really. I told him that I would not wish this anxiety on my worst enemy but sometimes I just wish he had the slightest bit of an idea of what it felt like. At other times, he will be really caring and take over things for me, like school meetings and such.

My eldest daughter, 10, who experienced a lot of me being ill before I realised or admitted that I was, is quite like me in nature. If I turn up late anywhere to pick her up, you can see the panic on her face. She was very cautious about doing anything new or dealing with new people. She has come to accept that sometimes I just can’t do some things and bless her, she tries to make me feel better for it. There was a special assembly on recently at her school and she told me it didn’t really matter if I was there as she wasn’t doing much and I would hardly see her anyway. She did this as she saw that I had not been too great. I forced myself to go and her face just lit up with delight.

The youngest one, doesn’t seem to be affected by me at all. She is the bubbliest most confident child you could imagine! Nothing on this earth seems to phase her.

Children are different. Try not to worry too much that it is your anxiety that is impacting on them. There will be many many more attributes like love and care, that are being passed on too!

Happyone
x