Anxiety about the future...

[sahara]

I don't really know where to put this post, I am guessing its anxiety, but whatever it is its not very nice.

In Janurary 2006 somewhat unexpectedly I found I was pregnant. I was 27, just been forced out of a very bad job and nearly had a nervous breakdown but was recovering, but still on citralopam.

Due to being pregnant my Dr took me off them and my world fell apart.

(I have suffered anxiety before on and off for as long as I can remember really. Alcoholic Mum, bullied at school. No friend etc)

I started panicking about my health, HIV cancer, then from there I worried about my unborn baby due to drinking alcohol before I knew she was pregnant (I stopoped when I found out). It was the worst 9 months of my like.

When my beautiful daughter was born on the 16th October 2006 and she was fine and I was fine I thought things can only get better. How wrong. 5 months later I was consumed with OCD. Totally convinced everything was contaminatedand and my daughter was going to get ill. I spent hours and hours cleaning and scrubbing showering and washing my hands. I even started washing my hands in bleach. That is when I realised a needed help.

Started an intensive course to cure my OCD at the end of 2007.

By August last year with alot of battles and set backs I finally started improving and my life was 90% back to normal. My goal of curing my OCD was to try and hopefully get pregnant with a second baby I so desperately want as I feel I have missed out on so much with my daughter due to all my problems and I have always wanted lots of children (although my partner has put his foot down at 2).

After a chat with my Dr he agreed to start weaning me off my anti depressants and when done so I could try for another baby. All was going well.

Then suddenly my Mum got taken ill in the middle of November and died 12 days later of lung cancer.

I went straight back to my full dose of citralopm and of course trying for the baby was put on hold. Bang straight away the health anxiety hit me full force.

I was absolutely gutted about loosing my Mum, and I was also upset at the thought that I would not be able to try for my second child.

Then within the space of the next month, my best friend, my SIL and my OH brothers girlfriend all announced they are pregnant. Along with my nextdoor neighbour, another friend and then another friend.

I feel like somebody is being really cruel to me or playing some sick joke. Don't get e wrong I am pleased for these woman, but here in comes my anxiety.

I am so scared I am going to be left out they all live very close and they are all going to have babies within 3 months of each other. I am already getting left out of things because they meet in the evenings and I can't because I have my daughter and they are all having their first babies.

I feel I don't belong with my friends, when I do see them all they talk about is babies which sort of excludes me from the conversation as I am not pregnant and I don't remember much of my pregnancy due to the distress I was in when I was. I try and change the conversation if I do get to go out, but it soon changes back. I can understand why, but I just feel so left out. I would be liar to admit I wasn't envious over them all being pregnant, its just so hard when you are the only one that isn't

I feel excluded and not part of this exclusive club which I fear will continue when they all have their babies.

My confidence is lacking and I also don't think I can bare to listen to baby talk everytime they meet anyway because it hurts. None of them seem to realise I am still hurting over my Mum and when they were all telling me they were pregnant it was only 2 weeks after my Mum died and I found it hard to share in their excitement. And it also hurts that they are all pregnant when I want to be so badly.

I just don't know what to do, I just don't feel like me and my daughter fit in with them (she is 2 and half)

I have tried mother and toddler groups but my confidence is so low I really struggle. I know I probably being selfish and jealous and overeacting but I don't know what to do.

I suppose I need everyone to tell me to get on with it and be so daft, but it hurts. I just don't feel like I belong with them. So much so I feel sick and really anxious when I do go to meet one of them.

I am sure I am getting some of my grief over Mum muddled in with this, but I jst don't know how to sort it out.

Sorry for my stupid ramblings and I know it probably doesn't make sense it just how its come out.

Sarah

[cheeringup]

Aww sweetheart - what a sh~t set of cards life has dealt!!! I just wanted to give you a hug and let you know that if you fancy a chat sometime you can always call on me.

Sending you much love
Raine xxx

[sahara]

Thanks Raine,

I must sound like I feel very sorry for myself!! I just need to get it off my chest. My poor OH gets its all the time.

Its not like he is lacking in poroblems. He was born without any arms and they didn't notice his hips were dislocated until he was 6 months old. This has caused severe arthiritus in both hip joints which is not good news when you use you feet for everything. Puts extra strain on them. he had to have is right hip replaced when our daughter was 4 months old and will have to have the left one done next year.

I get a thing called SPD when I am pregnant and it started from 22 weeks and I could barely walk from when I was about 30 weeks. It will come back with the next one (well 90% chance my Dr said) so we sort of want to have this next baby sooner rather than later really!!

My goodness I am feeling sorry for myself tonight aren't I!!

I am not normally like this, but I guess sometimes i see all my friends having it so easy yet when we want soemthing its so difficult. Oh well I guess it makes for a more interesting life!! LOL

I do feel better for getting this all off my chest

Thanks for reading Raine :hugs:

[Lynnann]

Hi Sarah,

You have had a really tough time and losing your mother is one of the hardest things to deal with that teamed with with everything else no wonder you are upset about everything :bighug1: :bighug1:

As for your pregnant friends, don't feel excluded you have a wealth iof information for them as you are already a mother, if you feel the conversation is too pregnancy based move it along to after they have the baby what are they intending to do about feeding etc, cures for wind, croup which baby shops are good etc.

Although another way of looking at it is that your pregnancy attempt is only delayed not cancelled so you can glean info from them ready for when you are ready to try again and you can help them with what will happen afterwards and they can help you prepare for when you are ready to try again.

When the girls in my ofice have been pregnant the conversation moves easily on to babies and toddlers the do's and don'ts what to ignore what to pay attention to, your friends are hormonal and unsure of themselves as well hun and this is a time that can make your friendships stronger, you have 2 1/2 yrs of experience that would help them.

:bighug1: more hugs

Lynnann:flowers:

[sahara]

Thanks Lynnann,

I know I need to try and be more positive towards it, its just sometimes they sort of get so engrossed in their chatter and bumps and stuff I get pushed out. One of friends is so confident about everything she bought her buggy at 14 weeks pregnant - she is sailing through it and doesn't ask me anything.

I am worried though that they won't think to include me on things when their babies a born because I don't have one I don't think toddlers count!!. So they will do days out etc and not invite me.

I guess as there is a group all pregnant they sort of comfort each other and forget that I have been - they never ask me anything

Cause I lack confidence I guess I take personally :)

I try to involve myself more, but its restricted cause they are still working and when they meet its the evening and I can't go unless I get a babysitter which isn't very often.

O well time to stop the self pity and thank my lucky stars I am not going to be the one having sleepless nights in a few months :D

Thanks
Sarah

[Lynnann]

Hi Sarah,

You will be surprised just how many worries people have underneath a confident exterior. Very often they are the ones that struggle the most when the baby comes along.

If you feel a little excluded in group meetings, could you invite them individually round for a pamper evening? face masks, manicure and pedicure esp as it will be a while before they see their toes again lol

Watch girly DVD's as your little girl will be tucked up in bed and spend some quality time with your friends.

My children are grown 19 and 21 and the girls I work with have still asked me lots about different things about their babies and then toddlers lol that makes me have to think back. You will have your place with your friends just hang on in there ans remember their hormones rule them at times lol.

You will have your sleepless nights soon enough and be asking their advice again it's what makes the world go round.

Lynnann:flowers:

[Plumpetals]

Wow, Sarah, you’ve really had a lot going in your life these past few years. You should take a moment and be proud of yourself just for getting through it all. I’m sure it’s difficulty to sit through all the talk about pregnancies and babies while you’re struggling, but as Lynnann said, you’ve got the experience of being a mother already and this is an advantage over them.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Try to think of this as a time for your to regain confidence in yourself so that when you are ready, you can be fully focused on being a terrific mom for the new child in your future. Stay positive J Best wishes!

[sahara]

Thank you everyone.

I feel alot better this morning. Yesterday it felt like everything was becoming a bit much.

But I say to myself look how lucky I am. Regardless of what the future holds I have my daughter and I do work I love so there are lots of things to be positive about as well.

I must try to remember these things :D

It feels better to write things down as well which I guess was most of what that long winded post was about :)