Please Help

[emma30982]

PLEASE READ AND VOICE YOUR VIEWS I NEED HELP
I was living in australia with my children and partner for 14 months, i became very depressed there and thats when my anxiety started due to me missing my family who i was really close with. I returned home to london to try and get myself better as i couldn't out there beacause i didn't want my children seeing me in that state. but now i know i dont want to go back. im on medication and the doctors tell me not to worry as this wont help my condition, but im finding really hard beacause my children are half way across the world. i know i want to stay here in london with my family but i feel so bad making my kids come home from australia as they have a good life there. i think sometimes leave them there so they have a good education but how will it effect them not having their mum there. my son is 9 and my daughter 5 i have brought them up and done everything for them they are my world but im in such a terriable position and dont know what to do?
i know what ever option i take could be the wrong one. i did try and go back but had a complete panic attack in the departure lonuge at heathrow and couldn't get on the flight i feel so annoyed with myself but i cant seem to control anything anymore i used to be such a strong person and great mum?:weep:

[artyemma]

Hey there it sounds like a really difficult situation. Maybe one of your family members could fly back over to australia with you so you can visit your kids again? You could maybe give it another go and if it doesnt work out then discuss with the family about returning to the UK. Im sure your kids wouldnt mind as they love who you are x

[emma30982]

:weep: it really is difficult because i know im not well enough to look after them yet which upsets me even saying it but just wondering how long i can stay away from them i miss them sooooooo much they have but my meds up and given me somthing for the anxiety clorazapam but i still dont feel right, i was on 15mg og mirtaspine for 8 weeks and they did nothing for me but they insisted to put them up to 30g , the reason i think ive been feeling better is the clorazapam but they want to stop that on wednesday. i know i will feel really anxious again, just want to feel level headed so i can bring my kids home and try and sort things out it all feels like a nightmere.

[hoppipolla]

Yeah that sounds so difficult :(

I'm with artyemma on asking a family member to come with you as long as money isn't a problem that could be a fantastic idea, it would get you seeing them with company and also you wouldn't have to deal with not feeling well enough to look after them because it would just be a trip :)

And don't be too hard on yourself you are only human and the situation is complicated, it can get better though :)

[reallyfedup]

have you discussed how you feel with your partner? How do they feel? Your children are young enough to adapt to coming back to the uk. Your decision has to be based on what you and your partner decide I feel. If being in London is going to be the place where you are going to get better then I think you should stay. I am wondering if the thought on having to return to Oz is preventing your recovery. I am sorry you are missing your children too as that is not helping either. Loves and hugs to you

[emma30982]

thanks everyone but i know if i was to book a flight tomorrow i wouldn't be able to get on it because im still not level headed yet, sometimes i feel like crawling in a hole and not coming out i just wish that they could find some sort of med that can make me a little more stable. my mum has been great and i feel like ive let everyone down because i just cant feel better i am annoyed about the pyshc not changing my meds though because i have been on mirtazipine for 10 weeks now and feel that its just helped me sleep and done nothing else.

[emma30982]

i have spoke to my partner and hes says its better for them there which i know but i really dont want to go back i was so lonely there, hes finding hard to come to terms with being being unwell as i have always been the strong on in the 11 year relationship. i really scared i will make the wrong decision and regret it the rest of my life, but i do feel safer and better here with my family i just want to be strong enough again to look after my kids. i think a change in the meds is needed as i have now got depression because of my high levels of anxiety which in its self has made me feel really pysically ill.

[reallyfedup]

well you have summed it up perfectly yourself. You are not well enough to make a rational decision at the moment. Give yourself some time and patience to recover. Just try and focus on that for now. Xxx

[emma30982]

i know i will its really hard to stop worring about them though bless them they so young to have there mum not there, one day i hope to look back on all this a say i made it though, thanks to everyone on this site it really helps talking to people who can relate to how you feel.