Spiller
12-04-09, 00:14
Hi everyone -
I have been suffering with anxiety since i was 10 years old. When it was started i couldn't go to school. I couldnt be away from my mum. Over the years i have had councellers and phychologists and i have got a lot better.
As i got older i have had panic attacks and anxiety over different things. Being away from my mum, being away from a boyfriend or thinking that a boyfriend was going to leave me or cheat on me (he did both in the end lol) i can laugh about it now because it was no where near as bad when it actually happened than the thoughts of it.
I have had a few 'good' years when it hasn't ruled my life but a lot of the time it has. I have lost boyfriends, friends, jobs, holidays - all sorts.
Most recently, i have had this 'health anxiety/fear of dying/getting cancer etc etc.
My problem is - i read too much. i followed the Jade thing everyday, i constantly read stories about illnesses and deaths and think it is going to happen to me. I google every symptom. Every ache, pain, twinge i get in my body - its cancer or a heart attack or stroke or MS the list goes on. I examine my body from head to toe. I hate the fact i can see my viens and i hate my moles because i think they are cancerous.
On thursday it was my 24th birthday and my boyfriend of 3 years - who is really supportive of my condition proposed to me! I said yes!! Yesterday i should have been on top of the world, showing off my ring to family and friends, instead i was in a huddle on the floor in tears, terrified i was going to die before i had the chance to get married. I had convinced myself i was going to die. I was looking at my engagement ring and picturing myself in my coffin wearing it. Its been horrible. It was so bad i had to get my fiance to come home from work because i could not bring myself out of this. I am constantly exhausted because my brain will not rest.
I found this site today and already i am feeling better. I am going back to the doctors on tuesday to ask him to be referred to a phychologist again. They gave me CBT but it hasnt really helped. I am currently taking Citalopram 40mg which i have been taking for about a year. I have had 4 weeks off work. (i am a teacher) i am due to go back after the easter holidays but i cant even think about that yet.
We have had a lot of money worries lately. My fiance lost his job before xmas and it has been a real struggle. We have been living off bread and jam for a long time now and eating really cheap rubbish food i have gained 2 and a half stone since xmas. :( Before then i was a size 10/12 now im a 14 none of my clothes fit and i get so down about it. I plan to get back to my slimming club after we move house.
We are moving house in 2 weeks time, we are moving in with friends to try and save some money for a deposit so we can buy a house and save for a wedding. Its really hard because although i want all of the above i dont want to move house because i feel safe at home and i am not keen on change.
Sorry this is such a long post - i needed to get all this off my chest!!
Any suggestions on coping with this scary world?
Thanks
Sarah xx
I have been suffering with anxiety since i was 10 years old. When it was started i couldn't go to school. I couldnt be away from my mum. Over the years i have had councellers and phychologists and i have got a lot better.
As i got older i have had panic attacks and anxiety over different things. Being away from my mum, being away from a boyfriend or thinking that a boyfriend was going to leave me or cheat on me (he did both in the end lol) i can laugh about it now because it was no where near as bad when it actually happened than the thoughts of it.
I have had a few 'good' years when it hasn't ruled my life but a lot of the time it has. I have lost boyfriends, friends, jobs, holidays - all sorts.
Most recently, i have had this 'health anxiety/fear of dying/getting cancer etc etc.
My problem is - i read too much. i followed the Jade thing everyday, i constantly read stories about illnesses and deaths and think it is going to happen to me. I google every symptom. Every ache, pain, twinge i get in my body - its cancer or a heart attack or stroke or MS the list goes on. I examine my body from head to toe. I hate the fact i can see my viens and i hate my moles because i think they are cancerous.
On thursday it was my 24th birthday and my boyfriend of 3 years - who is really supportive of my condition proposed to me! I said yes!! Yesterday i should have been on top of the world, showing off my ring to family and friends, instead i was in a huddle on the floor in tears, terrified i was going to die before i had the chance to get married. I had convinced myself i was going to die. I was looking at my engagement ring and picturing myself in my coffin wearing it. Its been horrible. It was so bad i had to get my fiance to come home from work because i could not bring myself out of this. I am constantly exhausted because my brain will not rest.
I found this site today and already i am feeling better. I am going back to the doctors on tuesday to ask him to be referred to a phychologist again. They gave me CBT but it hasnt really helped. I am currently taking Citalopram 40mg which i have been taking for about a year. I have had 4 weeks off work. (i am a teacher) i am due to go back after the easter holidays but i cant even think about that yet.
We have had a lot of money worries lately. My fiance lost his job before xmas and it has been a real struggle. We have been living off bread and jam for a long time now and eating really cheap rubbish food i have gained 2 and a half stone since xmas. :( Before then i was a size 10/12 now im a 14 none of my clothes fit and i get so down about it. I plan to get back to my slimming club after we move house.
We are moving house in 2 weeks time, we are moving in with friends to try and save some money for a deposit so we can buy a house and save for a wedding. Its really hard because although i want all of the above i dont want to move house because i feel safe at home and i am not keen on change.
Sorry this is such a long post - i needed to get all this off my chest!!
Any suggestions on coping with this scary world?
Thanks
Sarah xx