Feel like my life has hit a brick wall

[sMINT]

Haven't posted on here for little while. Been trying to stay away not to trigger anything but Ive just been feeling really low as of late.

I know you've probably heard this kind of story hundreds of times now so sorry to bore you ha, Just need to get everything off my chest.

I mean I'm 18. I should be enjoying life. I have pretty much no friends anymore. Maybe 1. No one bothers to ring me anymore becuase of all the times Ive said I'm staying in (Due to panic attacks).

I get no exercise. Just waste away, day in day out, sitting in front of this computer. I may resort to cutting the plug off it next week to force myself not to come on here and to do something else.

I want to start riding my bike again like I used to but I am so unfit. I went out with a friend on Friday and could no where near keep up. I couldn't breath and felt like collapsing I was so unhealthy.

I really want a job, Although due to my suffering of really bad panic attacks this stops me going for anything.

Lately I've just been thinking what if I never become anything in life. Just a failure.

I know I shouldnt think things like this but its hard not to. I think the last kind of fun I had in my life was being back in school nearly 3 years ago. Everyday has been the same since I left college:

Wake up. Brekfast. Sit on computer (only moving for toilet and food).Bed
Repeat.

Ive tried breaking the cycle but I only go back to it within a day.

Im trying to look at the possitives like finally finding a doctor who understands me and has refered me to a mental health doctor to discus treatment for my panic disorder. Thats still a month away though. And then I'll probably have to wait 8+ months for CBT or anything :mad:

Sorry for the big rant, Just felt I needed to get it all out.

[artyemma]

No problem rant away it's good. Just try not to should yourself too much like "I should be this way or I should be doing that" Its understandable you feel the way you are feeling in the circumstances. Plus you have neglected to account for the very positive thing of going bike riding. If you can do that maybe you can do a little bit more than you think you can but you have to try and be supportive of yourself.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

What could you do every day to stretch yourself just a tiny bit? I don't mean suddenly get up and go out clubbing. Just shift your world view -

Read instead of going on a computer?

Get a selfhelp book or two out of the library?

Try and create something just in your own home - draw/cook something new?

Try and sign up for volunteering- just for literally 2 hours a week? Try a local charity shop. It helped my confidence and I know it has had the same effect for others.

Did you get the grades you wanted in college? Is there something else you'd like to have in terms of A levels/NVQs etc..and is there a way you could do that parttime at college or via distance learning eg through ICS (I did ICS, they were very good!)

I've been referred on the NHS as an "urgent case" to psychiatrists and community mental health teams at least twice, seen within 2-3 weeks. I have a large mental health file. (Bipolar, eating disorder, suicide ideation, anxiety). Well...they did not help. Seriously. Therapy only helped me a couple of years later, to iron out some less serious issues, when I was in a far better place.

The only person who can help me is me, and you is you. If you wait until you get help, and have that as your only plan/lifeline, you'll be met with terrible disappointment. It can be helpful to talk to someone, but the sooner you start making shifts in yourself - TINY steps at a time - the better!

I don't know your financial situation, but one of my friends got some private therapy from a psychologist in her area last year who charged on a sliding scale..i.e you pay what you can afford, think she charged my friend £15 an hour? (They can be up to £45+ an hour, so don't be afraid to ask if they can settle payment by sliding scale).

Do you live with family, and what are their views on this situation? My boyfriend had a similiar period as you describe in his life, and his parents totally enabled him...e.g didn't push him or try and talk about what he was really feeling. How is it for you?

[faith]

If you can afford it pay privately for a counsellor you may even be able to get it free as you are so young ask the mental health team to recommend local counselling services and take it from there. You will wait forever for one on nhs from the psychiatrist and in my experience they are crap. Try and go out for a walk everyday and increase the time s;lowly as yourbody gets fitter it will do you good mentally and physically it is what I do. I hope I have given you somewhere to start, the more you stay in the weaker your body gets

[sMINT]

Read instead of going on a computer?

Get a selfhelp book or two out of the library?

Try and create something just in your own home - draw/cook something new?

Try and sign up for volunteering- just for literally 2 hours a week? Try a local charity shop. It helped my confidence and I know it has had the same effect for others.

Did you get the grades you wanted in college? Is there something else you'd like to have in terms of A levels/NVQs etc..and is there a way you could do that parttime at college or via distance learning eg through ICS (I did ICS, they were very good!)

I've been referred on the NHS as an "urgent case" to psychiatrists and community mental health teams at least twice, seen within 2-3 weeks. I have a large mental health file. (Bipolar, eating disorder, suicide ideation, anxiety). Well...they did not help. Seriously. Therapy only helped me a couple of years later, to iron out some less serious issues, when I was in a far better place.

Do you live with family, and what are their views on this situation? My boyfriend had a similiar period as you describe in his life, and his parents totally enabled him...e.g didn't push him or try and talk about what he was really feeling. How is it for you?

Thanks for the advice.

I have recently lent a book off my friend and its helped me cut back quite a bit on here. I still come on though. Its an addiction. I sit here bored. Nothing to look at and I am telling myself COME OFF! but I cant. I think cutting the plug is the only thing lol.

I used to write lyrics but I get writers block a lot and that just stresses me out more :( lol.

And yeah I got good grades, I forgot to mention this is my gap year and I start Uni in September. I cant wait to go to get out of this house.

I have considred going private although with it being £15 (emailed 3 counsellors and 2 were £15 1 was £20) I wouldn't be able to afford it. Because I would need a lot of hours.

I do live with my mum and dad but they dont really understand. They do a bit more now after making them listen but I still dont think they truley understand (even though my dad suffered depression for years and lost one of his jobs from it)

I will deffinitely have to try the charity work though. I think it will do me a great deal with getting me out of the hosue without the pressure of a paid job.

And thanks faith, Starting tomorrow Im going to try and get some more exercise such as walking everyday. What Ive been doing lately is parking my car away from where I need to go just so I have to walk lol.

And thanks artyemma, Its true about the should statements. They put more pressure on oneself. Thanks for the kind words.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Keep going, and keep posting :)

If you're going away to uni, that's a different thing entirely! For one, you'll get free therapy on site...what are you going to study?

[TBeagle]

I agree with AntiLove_SuperStar...take small steps!

This really applies to anything in life though. It is very hard to make "dramatic" changes. I heard a talk one time that was called "The Two Degree Difference". The main point was that a small change of two degrees at this point has dramatic changes down the road (think of steering an aircraft carrier - THEY DON'T TURN ON A DIME).

Make a small change that you can do. Get good at it and then make another small change...