View Full Version : Dont know where to start
Hi, I'm a new member and hope someone will understand how I feel.
I have always been a worrier and full of anxiety and stress but it is just getting worse. I worry all the time about my health, work, money and only sleep for a couple of hours and wake up in a panic, sweating and head all over the place.
However, what is really now stressing me immensley is that I am going to Australia next week to visit my two daughters. One lives there permanently now with her lovely fiance and the other has just left and will probably reside there like her sister. I have two other wonderful daughters and they are supportive (as is my husband) of my anxiety but they truly do not understand, and neither do I.
When my first daughter left 3 years ago, I broke my heart and was mentally and physically ill - I never told anyone (except my husband and GP) as it seems it is me being purely selfish and it is is something I must live with, especially with another having left. It is everything I have wanted for all my girls and I am immensely proud as they are happy, independent strong women and I am blessed. So what is she moaning about I hear you say..... I just cant put it into words how horrendous it is in saying goodbye, turning and leaving and the pain is inside all the time, but I know its right and proper and fantastic for them and it is how it should be - gosh its hard to explain.
When I'm there I'm like I am here, unable to rest, worrying all the time ! aghhh it is so awful and I want to come back - when I'm here - I want to be there ..... stupid I am just all over the place.
How can I just have some peace, just enjoy life without the insomnia, the worries of just everyday life and just HAVE A LIFE without this constant anxiety. I am like a frightened rabbit and panic at the slightest thing and I feel I'm losing control. It was so bad 2 years ago, I actually cancelled going to visit. I did go in the end a few months later, but it was such a huge effort but here I am putting myself through it again and the anxiety is building and I'm already worrying about the 'what ifs' when we get back and the 'what ifs' before I go. So sorry to babble on but as I said its a long long story but basically I feel stupid and a wreck and don't know how to regain any sort of control.
Been to the GP, done the pills - didnt work; had some counselling but opened old wounds and didnt really help ; and I am trying REALLY HARD to teach myself some CBT but I lose focus, and end up panicing again and full of anxiety. Sorry but thanks for reading my problemx
Hi Rosie, welcome to nmp!
This site has definitely been the saving of me, I'm so glad for you that you've found us. :welcome:
What you say in your post does make complete sense to me. Travel is often difficult(!) for people who have panic & anxiety. My daughter is only 10 years old at the moment, but I do understand how you must feel with yours so far away. That mixture of pride and happiness for them, and loss for youself.
I do think you should congratulate yourself though on being able to travel that far. Its a huge achievement. And now that you have done it before you can do it again. Will you husband be going with you? I'm sure he will help. I don't think they can totally understand, but my husband is very supportive. Its good to know you can talk to someone about this.
Coming here to nmp is also a great help as you find many other people and realise that you are not alone. I too have gone through feeling selfish. My actions preventing my family from doing things. I have now forgiven myself.... it is an illness like any other. A broken leg, or diabetes you wouldn't blame yourself. We're just all made differently.
Do see your GP again though. Explain that the pills you had before didnt help. Maybe they can offer something stronger or different.
Also you will find a huge amount useful information here, on the main menu under Symptoms (which helped me understand the effects on my body and be less scared), and also Self Help - How to Cope.
You're in the right place to find friends and support. Keep posting and let us know how you're getting on. :flowers:
Thanks for the welcome Lisa. I am taking my laptop with me so i can dip into the site at night (your day)as the insomnia can be even worse - if thats possible - when I'm away. It shows me that perhaps I am not alone and people wont laugh at me for feeling as I do and perhaps hold my hand (be it only imaginery) to help me through the dark black moments. Its the awful sweeping of real physical feelings of illness and loss of control that is all so frightening - especially in the deepest quietest moments of night.
Yes, my husband is coming with me and in my lucid moments I tell myself one day I can do it alone - but not there yet - mentally or financially!! Its the feeling of all doors shutting on me over and over again and the feeling I need to want them to stop closing on me, to open and let me have some peace and light and just be 'normal' - if there is such a thing.
Thanks so much for listening
Rosie
Great idea taking your laptop. I try to log on when I'm away from home if possible. Helps me feel the support I need.
Really glad your husband is coming with you, its good to have someone to chat to on a long journey even if you're not anxious.
The chatroom here is pretty good too, there's usually someone around if you need them. Posting messages also gets replies because people are from all over the world there's always someone up!
:winks:
Hi rosietj,
When I read your post it torn at my heart strings because it made me wonder if my mum ever felt the way you do. You see I left UK 16 years ago to move to the States and I know mu mum was really upset and I have spent those years trying to make it up to her. Believe me when I tell you I am sure your daughter worries about the way you feel (she knows even if you haven't told her) because I still feel guilty for moving away and being so far away when she needs me.
I don't know how to help you with the way you are feeling but just thought it might help to see it from the other side and actually all my anx problems started about 9 years or so after I left. The saying goodbye part is the worst and even when we visit each other now, it never gets easier.
Hope you have a wonderful trip to Oz, try and enjoy it for what it is, see the sights, spend quality time together and make great memories.
I'm sure I have not been much comfort but wanted you to know that those of us who leave our families behind sometimes go through the same stuff.
I would be happy to email/pm with you if you would like.
Take care
Natalie
Natalie,
You made me cry! Thank you so much for such kindness. In my head I see them getting on with their lives, going to work, out with mates etc and hope that they think of me fondly if only for a nano second. Their absorbtion into their own lives is EXACTLY as it should be and your mum would have felt the same way too and you must NEVER EVER feel guilty or selfish or any of those things because we bring our babies up to be strong, independent and to go grab life with both hands and that is exactly what you and my girls must do. I must get through my pain and anxiety through my own will power (from somewhere) and hopefully with a stretched out hand from a stranger - ie you - and others like you on this terrific site who understand, dont laugh and tell you to pull yourself together, but mentally and ultimately physically try and get you through the blackness of life.
I have had a pretty rough ride, like millions of others, and it has caught up with me especially with the girls now grown up and leading their own lives. I know you're supposed to find something else to do, but i feel as if I'm grieving - oh that sounds awful, but its such a horrendous pain and thought process.
They have been through difficult times we faced as a family and I suppose a lot of my pain is also wrapped up in the guilt i feel for not being able to provide them financially with support they have needed or I guess for them to be in some small way a bit proud of me. I feel with our worries and problems (we lost our home) they have still emerged good, lovely people, but I do so feel I have let them down and am embarassed even look at them sometimes.
They are loving and ring and email, but there is always that awful feeling of not being enough for them although my one daughter I once shared these very private thoughts with, tells me to not be stupid etc etc (she has also been a panic/anxiety sufferer) - but we worked together to get through her blackness and she is one of my daughters who has just gone to oz to visit her sister and travel around, on her own - so of course I am so happy and especially proud of her for her courage in fighting her demons too.
I have read so much about anxiety, stress and panic and unless you experience it, of course if it so difficult to express to someone else. I worry about just about everything and its draining and exhausting and compounded with this empty nest business. I think the best way I try and cope is to tell the bad stuff to go away and read about others just like me and it gives me some relief although at times it is difficult to get through the fuzz in my head and to focus to try and calm down or even get up and through the day. Then I get such a lovely message from you and I feel a tiny chink of light in my gloom. Thank you so so much for that and please feel free to email me if you want. My thanks also goes to Lisa and those of you who have even just taken the time to read my babble and forgive me if at some ungodly hour I start tapping away to someone somewhere when the old blackdog keeps me awake! Bless you. Rosie xx
Aww Rosie,
You are a very sweet, kind and thoughtful person and I am glad I could give you some comfort.
I just wanted to add that you mention that your daughters ring and email and I wanted to tell you that in 16 years I have NEVER missed a weekend calling my mum. I promised her when I left that I would talk to her every weekend so no matter where in the world we have travelled or where they are we always find a way to call. I am sure that has been a comfort to her through the years and again it relieves me of some of the guilt.
The worst I have ever felt was last May (on my Mum's 70th birthday) my phone rang at 7.30pm (so 3.30am UK time) and my Dad had had a stroke and was on the way to hospital. My mum was crying and I never felt so bad in my life. Of course the worst thing is that my brother lives 2 miles from them and my mum called me first. I couldn't believe it and was angry at first but then realised that my mum just wanted to talk to me. I am a realist and know at some point the dreaded bad news phone call will come and the quickest I can get home is about 24 hours and I think about it a lot. Sometimes I think it would have been easier just to live my life in the UK but then I couldn't have denied myself the life I have here now. It is a constant conflict but a decision that I have to live with.
Oh and believe me when you say you hope your daughters think about you for a nano second, they think of you more often than you imagine. They grew up with a great role model and I am sure you taught them well so they will think of you often and miss you more than you know.
Take a moment to praise yourself for raising 2 great kids with a sense of adventure and travel and be glad you get to visit and try and enjoy it.
Well I think I have rambled on enough. I just wish I could express myself to my mum sometimes in the way I can say it all on here. Sometimes it's just not so easy to speak the words and say how I feel.
Take care. Please PM any time. Would love to get to know you more and chat and try and help you through this.
Natalie
Hi Natalie,
So hope your dad is better now and what a lovely relationship you have with your mum. I don't think for one minute your mum would want you to give up what you have and she would be distraught to think you even thinking of it - if you follow! I certainly wouldn't want my girls to do that because of me - no way - you go for life girlie and you are a credit to your mum (and dad of course) to do what you are doing and getting through all this yuk as well!
We are bombarded with such awfulness about people but there are so many people who are kind and good and helpful and supportive and just care - so as I said this has just restored a bit of my trust in the human race to think a perfect stranger is holding my hand and helping me get through the blackness.
You are indeed helping me immeasurably believe me and for that I thank you. I am getting on the big bird in a few hours (not sure of the time difference in the USA) but with all these time zones it will make me even dizzier! I hope I have a new friend in another part of this world which makes it feel less threatening and frightening.
Take care you and I'll be in touch as soon as I can - heaven knows what day it will be here, there and down under!
Keep your fingers crossed for me ! lv Rosie x
GRUMPYSODKEV
16-04-09, 15:46
hello, i know how you feel, i am currently on anti-depresants, but not sure if they are doing anything.
i have been there, even to the point of attempted suicide. it was not a cry for help. i was determined, but someone found me in time. i am having cbt proffesionaly now, which is hard work. but it is starting to work. i used to wake up and phone work to say i was too ill to come into work, and stayed in bed crying. i used to treat my wife horribly (not violent or anything like that i promise) i just used to treat her like something on the bottom of my shoe. which hurt me sooooooo much. i used to think my glass was half empty, but at the moment it's just over half full. without her love and support i don't think i would be here now. since i tried at the age of 21 to kill myself my wife and i have turned my life round. i spent twelve years saving lives doing ambullance work, and now have just completed over 8 years search and rescue work. there is light at the end of the tunnel. it's not all doom and gloom. persevere. it is worth it in the end. just think how much your close family members think of you and how they would feel without you. go and visit your family, forget the life here while away and enjoy yourself, when something bad happens try and see a funny side, if you fall, pick yourself up and have a laugh at yourself, sod what anyone else thinks, you are number one. if you can see the funny side, things are not as bad as you thought. take care and watch the film bad boys, then consider these words "woo sah" and smile.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.