WANTTOBEBETTER
13-04-09, 20:37
I am a 36 year old male. Married for over 10 years (great wife), I have two wonderful girls (2 & 8 ). Nice house. Great job. My life is a good life. Why do I suffer?
I have posted at another site , thought I might also post here to see if any one has any experience with what is wrong with me!
Here is my weird story.
I have suffered from anxiety and depression since I was 10 years old. I can remember my 1st worry was how can we prove there is a God. Then I began to worry about the end of the world catastrophes, the greenhouse affect, nuclear war, etc. During all of this,things started to appear strange or weird looking. I would look at my hand and think it looked weird, unreal. Some things appeared that I was looking through a yellow haze or eerily dark (even when sunny outside).(This period of my life was when I was not happy due to parents divorce and mother dying of cancer). I developed a fear of a glass clown my grandmother gave my mom and she gave to me. I obsessed over this clown and I knew I could never get it out of my life even if I sent it into outer space. Very depressed, I could never be happy with this thing around. It went to the landfill and I got over it.
At about 14 years old I was still depressed and worrying about every stupid thing. Sitting around the kitchen table one day something in my brain triggered. I felt light headed, confused, scared. It was almost like someone turned the lights out. The yellow haze thing again. In my mind, everything seemed different than it was 5 seconds before. (I am assuming this was a panic attack). I was convinced that nothing was real and that I was living in a dream never to awake. I kept thinking and reinforcing to myself that I would awaken one day and be in a coffin unable to get out. I started to look for proof that life was not real. Any coincidence or improbable thing scared and reinforced these beliefs. I thought I could hold my breath forever. Something I dreamed the night before would happen the next day (dejaVU), weird unexplainable things really disturbed me. The world still looked and felt just weird and different. Looking out the window looked weird, Inside the school cafeteria looked weird w/ fluorescent lights (I thought it looked dark and dreary like it could rain in there) Depressed and worried all the time.
At 15, I move in with my mother. I met alot of friends, had alot of fun, and ignored my symptoms (http://ehealthforum.com/health/long-time-derealization-sufferer-t175058.html#) if they existed. I would get a feeling or disturbance every now and then but I went on.
At 16 I took a 1/2 hit of acid. (I now try to convince myself this is why I have all my problems). Nothing happened. (I just stayed up all night watching movies) Later, I tried marijuana. It threw me into a nightmarish state. Anxiety big time, I ran home. Felt really weird. I felt the same for many days later, like I was in a dream. My life was a hell for months. Spaced out, freaked out. Was I in a permanent drug induced state with no escape?
I met my now wife at 16, fell in love. Things slowly became better, and if I did ever feel weird, I ignored it.
Started college, really stressful on me. In my second semester sitting in psychology class, again like when I was young it felt like someone turned the lights out on me. My ears began to ring, I got confused, things looked hazy and dark, I was scared. My head was swimming. I wanted to run out. I kept this with me for years, always looking for these symptoms. I began to question everything that makes sense to a normal person. Why am I here?, Is this world real?, There could be darkness and nothingness in the universe. Void and nothing, but somehow we are here? Were is the end of the universe, it must have and end. This must prove life is unreal. I even questioned air itself.( what was in between me and another person. There should be something there? WEIRD!) People looked flat (literally) to me. Something a mile away I felt as it was close enough to touch. Depth perception way off. I questioned the borders of things like street signs and thought they should somehow be attatched to it's background. Weird stupid thoughts that drove me crazy.I was not happy, things were always weird, dizzy, scary, hopeless, hazy, foggy, dark. The sky was strange,it looked too blue. Sometimes things would appear to stick out at me, if not they looked flat. Depressed.
I coped for a couple of years and it began to intensify on me in my
Senior year of college. I had a fit and admitted myself into a hospital geared toward depression, anxiety. I stayed a week and they put me on prozac 20 miligrams. The place did not help. I even tried to blame (Why?) my girlfriend for my condition and broke up with her. We got back together thank God.
Over the next few years I got off and on Prozac with different Doctors and psychiatrist (They All diagnosed me with GAD - generalized anxiety disorder and depression) I got my first job and coped as well as I could. The majority of my days were happiness and good life, although these thoughts or feeling would invade every now and then. I would not let it defeat me.
I married my girlfriend and tried to move on with my life. Things would pop up but mostly I would put aside my symptoms. We had children I was happy raising them. I began going to the gym, quit smoking to prolong my life so to be there with my family. Feeling pretty good for a couple of years (not cured though). Forgot about my symptoms and my weird past.
I am now 36 years old and I am working up to the same level of anxiety at my worst,and I suffering from all the same thoughts, feeling, perceptions, delusions?. This has been building for two months now. I am questioning air again, flatness, depth perception, thing look weird again like a dream, dark. I am extremely stressed. clenching teeth, wake too early, worry, all muscles are tight and sore, heart beating out of chest, confused, weird, pressure in forehead, dizzy. I would struggle and go to work. I was at one point were nothing looked familiar, like I am in another matrix world and I have nothing from home to see or have. Everything is foreign. Every thing scares me, every thought bothers me. I could just make something up and within a few seconds it would be my new worst fear. Even sitting down to watch tv, I would go through the channels looking for something familiar or comforting. Everything felt wrong and "uncomfortable".
I went to my family doctor and twice they have increased my Prozac to 40 miligrams, to now 60 miligrams. I think 80 miligrams is max. I started taking Omega 3 fish oil also. I am alot better now than I was a month ago. But still not normal. It is depressing and scary to think back and every memory in my life is in this state.
I wish I could forget all this and put these childish ways behind me. I am afraid I will be a 80 years old one day tied to a bed in a retirement home in this hell screaming and afraid.
Do I need to pursue another medicine. It seems nothing I have ever done has worked. Increase to 80?
I am a smart, fun person, with what I feel like is a mental condition. I want to live like everyone else. In happiness without the worry and weird feelings.
Any advice??
I have posted at another site , thought I might also post here to see if any one has any experience with what is wrong with me!
Here is my weird story.
I have suffered from anxiety and depression since I was 10 years old. I can remember my 1st worry was how can we prove there is a God. Then I began to worry about the end of the world catastrophes, the greenhouse affect, nuclear war, etc. During all of this,things started to appear strange or weird looking. I would look at my hand and think it looked weird, unreal. Some things appeared that I was looking through a yellow haze or eerily dark (even when sunny outside).(This period of my life was when I was not happy due to parents divorce and mother dying of cancer). I developed a fear of a glass clown my grandmother gave my mom and she gave to me. I obsessed over this clown and I knew I could never get it out of my life even if I sent it into outer space. Very depressed, I could never be happy with this thing around. It went to the landfill and I got over it.
At about 14 years old I was still depressed and worrying about every stupid thing. Sitting around the kitchen table one day something in my brain triggered. I felt light headed, confused, scared. It was almost like someone turned the lights out. The yellow haze thing again. In my mind, everything seemed different than it was 5 seconds before. (I am assuming this was a panic attack). I was convinced that nothing was real and that I was living in a dream never to awake. I kept thinking and reinforcing to myself that I would awaken one day and be in a coffin unable to get out. I started to look for proof that life was not real. Any coincidence or improbable thing scared and reinforced these beliefs. I thought I could hold my breath forever. Something I dreamed the night before would happen the next day (dejaVU), weird unexplainable things really disturbed me. The world still looked and felt just weird and different. Looking out the window looked weird, Inside the school cafeteria looked weird w/ fluorescent lights (I thought it looked dark and dreary like it could rain in there) Depressed and worried all the time.
At 15, I move in with my mother. I met alot of friends, had alot of fun, and ignored my symptoms (http://ehealthforum.com/health/long-time-derealization-sufferer-t175058.html#) if they existed. I would get a feeling or disturbance every now and then but I went on.
At 16 I took a 1/2 hit of acid. (I now try to convince myself this is why I have all my problems). Nothing happened. (I just stayed up all night watching movies) Later, I tried marijuana. It threw me into a nightmarish state. Anxiety big time, I ran home. Felt really weird. I felt the same for many days later, like I was in a dream. My life was a hell for months. Spaced out, freaked out. Was I in a permanent drug induced state with no escape?
I met my now wife at 16, fell in love. Things slowly became better, and if I did ever feel weird, I ignored it.
Started college, really stressful on me. In my second semester sitting in psychology class, again like when I was young it felt like someone turned the lights out on me. My ears began to ring, I got confused, things looked hazy and dark, I was scared. My head was swimming. I wanted to run out. I kept this with me for years, always looking for these symptoms. I began to question everything that makes sense to a normal person. Why am I here?, Is this world real?, There could be darkness and nothingness in the universe. Void and nothing, but somehow we are here? Were is the end of the universe, it must have and end. This must prove life is unreal. I even questioned air itself.( what was in between me and another person. There should be something there? WEIRD!) People looked flat (literally) to me. Something a mile away I felt as it was close enough to touch. Depth perception way off. I questioned the borders of things like street signs and thought they should somehow be attatched to it's background. Weird stupid thoughts that drove me crazy.I was not happy, things were always weird, dizzy, scary, hopeless, hazy, foggy, dark. The sky was strange,it looked too blue. Sometimes things would appear to stick out at me, if not they looked flat. Depressed.
I coped for a couple of years and it began to intensify on me in my
Senior year of college. I had a fit and admitted myself into a hospital geared toward depression, anxiety. I stayed a week and they put me on prozac 20 miligrams. The place did not help. I even tried to blame (Why?) my girlfriend for my condition and broke up with her. We got back together thank God.
Over the next few years I got off and on Prozac with different Doctors and psychiatrist (They All diagnosed me with GAD - generalized anxiety disorder and depression) I got my first job and coped as well as I could. The majority of my days were happiness and good life, although these thoughts or feeling would invade every now and then. I would not let it defeat me.
I married my girlfriend and tried to move on with my life. Things would pop up but mostly I would put aside my symptoms. We had children I was happy raising them. I began going to the gym, quit smoking to prolong my life so to be there with my family. Feeling pretty good for a couple of years (not cured though). Forgot about my symptoms and my weird past.
I am now 36 years old and I am working up to the same level of anxiety at my worst,and I suffering from all the same thoughts, feeling, perceptions, delusions?. This has been building for two months now. I am questioning air again, flatness, depth perception, thing look weird again like a dream, dark. I am extremely stressed. clenching teeth, wake too early, worry, all muscles are tight and sore, heart beating out of chest, confused, weird, pressure in forehead, dizzy. I would struggle and go to work. I was at one point were nothing looked familiar, like I am in another matrix world and I have nothing from home to see or have. Everything is foreign. Every thing scares me, every thought bothers me. I could just make something up and within a few seconds it would be my new worst fear. Even sitting down to watch tv, I would go through the channels looking for something familiar or comforting. Everything felt wrong and "uncomfortable".
I went to my family doctor and twice they have increased my Prozac to 40 miligrams, to now 60 miligrams. I think 80 miligrams is max. I started taking Omega 3 fish oil also. I am alot better now than I was a month ago. But still not normal. It is depressing and scary to think back and every memory in my life is in this state.
I wish I could forget all this and put these childish ways behind me. I am afraid I will be a 80 years old one day tied to a bed in a retirement home in this hell screaming and afraid.
Do I need to pursue another medicine. It seems nothing I have ever done has worked. Increase to 80?
I am a smart, fun person, with what I feel like is a mental condition. I want to live like everyone else. In happiness without the worry and weird feelings.
Any advice??