What to offer as support to my Partner

[Andy28]

My wife has started suffering from health anxiety since the birth of our now 2 year old daughter. She has found this site and told me about it but I am at a loss as to what to do to support her. I try to be there for her and reassure her the symptoms are nothing but I feel like a failure in a way as she does not seem to respond to this. Am I doing the right thing or can anyone give suggestions of a better way to handle the situation.
I have talked to her but she says that I just don't understand! I want to but she will not let me.
I was hoping someone on here could help me by letting me know what sort of support they would ideally like so I can try and offer the same.

A bit of background
She has pains in her lower back which I am working on massaging out but she also feels other symptoms that with the past and current media attention can only be one thing! She has recently been to a doctor and had the all clear but now doesn't believe the doctor.
She is now developing symptoms that I would say are caused by the anxiety and being linked as symptoms of other illnesses or validation for the current illness.

Can anyone give any advice on how to offer support?

[**twinkle**]

Hi andy,

First of all, you should be applauded for caring so much for your partner.
Some people walk out on people suffering from anxiety.

This is a difficult thing that the both of you are going through, and it wont be cured from one day to the next. It takes alot of effort and persivirence (sp?) from the both of you.
Just to help you understand, when anxiety is at its highest, it makes the person feel like the only person in the world who is suffereing this. Hence why she says you dont understand.
The most important thing for you to do is just be there for her, not to smother her though.
Buy some anxiety books and read it together. This will help both of you understand what is happening, and hopefully make her realise that the symptoms are anxiety, and not something dreadful.
I also suffer with muscular aches, and i find that, unless you are a proffessional masuer, sometime massaging it can make the problem worse.
I buy muscle relaxing bath products and have a good soak. This is also a great time to unwind.

Its a real testing condition for all involved, but its important that you stay strong for your family. This has probably happened to her because she has been under alot of stress.
There will be ups and downs, but the sooner she realises that nothing terrible is going to happen to her, the sooner she can start to get better.

I hope this help.
Good luck
Twinkle

[Anxious_gal]

I guess the problem with health anxiety that reassurance doesn't stop people from being scared and worried.
sometimes reassurance doesn't help because people with health anxiety can be 100% convinced something is wrong.
even after every test in the world, the person may still be worried about the same illness, or may stop worrying but then go on to worry about a new illness all together.
I myself suffer more from anxiety rather than health anxiety.
so my advice may not be best.
ok she may think you don't understand but there is always something you can compare to to at least help her see you sort of understand.
maybe you once had a health test and was really worried about the out come, imaging all sorts.
or tell her about anything that makes you anxious!
like maybe someone you knew didn't answer the phone and you worried that maybe they were in a car crash? you imagined the whole thing and even what you would do if this THOUGHT turned out to be true.
anything to help her feel that you know what anxiety feels like and you know what it's like to be really worried about some thing.
also read the posts too, it'll help you ubderstand

[Miss Alissa]

Hi Andy

Again, just to say how lovely it is to see this post. This is such a tricky, frustrating, complicated condition - I think it's brilliant that you're trying to understand your wife's fears like this. But as others have said, maybe prepare to be a bit baffled! I suffer from HA and my boy is trying to get his head around it too - I think trying to read up on the condition is a really great place to start. It takes the pressure away from her having to explain it and justify why she's feeling the way she is. Having said that, I’ve only read one book – but it helped! The Worry Cure – it’s pretty simple and covers all sorts of anxiety. It also gives helpful exercises. I think my partner being able to read an expert talking about it really did take the pressure off of me, because sometimes I just couldn’t explain why or even exactly what I was feeling. And when he offered to read up on it, to learn about it with me –it was the most comforting and touching gesture he could have made. He wasn’t trying to ‘fix’ it or offer me a ‘logical’ explanation or solution – he was trying to understand me. That was a big deal for me – it made me feel more secure. And that can be a pretty big issue for people with anxiety – the unknown, uncertainty, the what-ifs. Although your wife is worried about the health issue, there is something else triggering that deep fear inside her.
I would also say that it is important to recognize the physical triggers – lack of sleep, stress, irregular meals, low blood sugar, alcohol consumption, caffeine can all have a huge impact on anxiety. Sadly you probably can’t help her all that much with the actual health anxiety but you can help with those other things. I’m sure you already do but just making sure she’s eating well, sleeping well, getting some time to recharge –maybe easier said than done with a 2 year old! Supplements, vitamins, just little things to help keep her on an even keel. It sounds small but those things really can help.
It’s important to me to be able to say ‘I’m feeling anxious or jittery, or I’m worried about this’ but to be able to say it without being reassured – if that makes any sense. As I’m sure you’ve seen reading through this website looking for reassurance just exacerbates the anxiety – so it’s a fine line really. Listening and sympathizing and just letting her know that you’re there is very important – offering advice, a ‘medical opinion’, judgement or a ‘just try and forget about it’ is not!
Has your wife talked to her doctor about her anxiety? If she’s thinking about it why not offer to go with her? She probably won’t want or need it but offering is a good thing! I guess it’s just about being there for her – and trying your hardest not to snap or get frustrated. And expect that there’ll be good days and bad days and that it is a struggle for her. And that getting help, and even talking about it and facing it is a really brave thing to do and you think that she’s ace for taking those steps.
In terms of her current fears, I think every girl on this site sympathises. It is scary, and the current media coverage makes everything that much harder. But hopefully once she starts to face the evil anxiety head on, her aches and pains will start to ease up as well.
Take care!
A
xx