Cycle of Silliness

[Plumpetals]

I’m stressed.

I’ve got tons to do … so much that it’s really all overwhelming. Instead of actually getting things done, I make lists of things to do, stress over the tasks that lie ahead, and end up procrastinating … which brings on the anxiety.

The anxiety makes me feel like I can’t cope … so I don’t get things done. Then I feel terrible. I feel useless. I feel stupid for not being able to pull myself together just to accomplish the simplest of tasks – they may be time-consuming, but they’re all achievable. Then comes the self-loathing.

Self-loathing brings about self-destructive behaviors … and worse, self-destructive thoughts. My self-esteem goes lower than rock bottom (as it’s usually just hovering around rock bottom). I hate myself. Then I wonder why does my partner love me … then it goes on to torturous thoughts wondering why my ex left me (perhaps these crazy thoughts/feelings drove him away). Then it moves on to depression.

*Sigh*

I know it’s silly. I know I should just ‘get over it’ and do what I have to do … and in the end, I guess that is what happens. I don’t know why I have to be such a drama queen about it, but I guess it’s what I’m feeling at the moment.

This is my typical cycle of emotions – stress, anxiety, self-loathing, depression … I go through it more often than I’d like. I know I should be able to just stop it, but I don’t know how yet …

I’m just looking for a way to break this cycle.

[expecto patronum]

Ok, I just spent about 20 minutes typing you out a really long reply, but then tried to add a quote from your post and the whole thing disappeared!!!
I have to go now, so I'll just say the gist of what I wrote and hope this helps: I know exactly how you feel and everything that you say sounds really familiar, especially the way that anxiety stops you acheving things and this then leads to self-loathing. But I've come to realise that the worst mistake you can make is to tell yourself that "I should be able to just stop it" as you said, because this just continues the cycle of you being hard on yourself/blaming yourself/putting pressure on youself, and as you said, this lowers your self-esteem even further. You (and I really struggle with this myself) need to stop putting pressure on yourself to acheve things and/or change your mood, and realise that it doesn't make you a bad person because you don't acheive as much as you want to or because something makes you anxious; I recently read the 'Dummies Guide to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy' and it listed the different thinking errors that lead you to feeling anxious/depressed, and the one that struck a chord with me the most was 'Making Demands', which is when you tell yourself that you 'must' act or think or feel in a certain way. This had made me realise that putting myself under pressure is the main cause of my anxiety and that it all comes down to the way you feel about yourself.

[Plumpetals]

Thanks for your reply expecto. Everything you said makes sense. It's definitely something that I'll be working on. 'Dummies Guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy' sounds interesting - I may just pick that up!

[lainey]

Hi Plumpetal
Iam exactly the same as you, wake up am going to do so much and then whe it doesn't all get done , well practically none of it, I get really down and then my self esteem hits the floor.
What I do sometimes is write a list with just a few things on it that I know have to be done, tick them all off and anything extra I do is a bonus and makes me feel better about myself.
Hope this helps

Take care

Elaine xxx

[expecto patronum]

Glad I could help :)
Just to say, if you decide CBT is right for you, go to your GP and get them to at least put you on a waiting list to see someone (they're great at fobbing people off with tablets, but if you get an ok doctor, explain exactly how much your anxiety is limiting you, and are assertive enough - but not rude obviously - they should offer you an assesment and eventually treatment). The Dummies Guide is brilliant, it tells you exactly how to do most CBT exercises, it explains the logic behind them, and most importantly it normalises all the 'weird' thoughts and feelings you could ever have! The only thing is that you need a therapist to tell you which exercises to do when, when to move on to the next stage etc, so I would say get the book, decide if it's for you, maybe try a couple of exercises, then press your GP for some further help.
Take care x