what now??

[daisy76]

Hi

Some of you may have seen a recent post in virtual hugs - thank you all so much, knowing i have support here helps me so much.

I need to get how i feel out on "paper" so to speak, so please dont feel you need to leave any replies.
Through support from people on here and more information from my doc, i have eased a little about what may be wrong with me, for those who dont know i have elevated prolactin levls and will be going for an MRI scan in th next 2 weeks to find out why and what needs to be done. This will sound silly but part of me hopes it is just that as it sounds like it can be treated. However, since finding this out yesterday i have started to worry what if during the scan theyfind something else, a tumor,cancer etc. I am full of fear and dred and can not shift the dark feeling inside me. I am frightened guys so much that i feel sick and am shaking constantly. I know this is anx that is doing this to me but it doesnt stop how im feeling, part of me thinks by saying it out loud will avoid it happenin, but even im not that ill to believe thats not how these things work.
Someone said to me so what if it is, what ya gonna do, and i suppose she is right, what can i do.
I have tried to explain how i feel to my husband, he doesnt understand and shouts that i am creating problems - maybe i am, but i cannot help it. I am sick of people saying u will be fine, i hope i am and i am praying for this, please dont think me ungrateful for saying that but im terrified, inside i am screaming and can picture hospitals, my sad children and friends. I cannot erase or block these pictures, i dont no how.

I am trying so hard to make my husband understand how i feel, even tonight as he argued withthe kids, my thought wasnt that i had to sort it as i usually do, but, how can i be taken what will happen when they argue, he to immature and selfish to put them first he argues with them like he is a child. Dont get me wrong he not a bad man, but he isnt as comforting as i am. I cant let them go to bed alone despite their ages, they my babies, im not ready to leave them. Even writing this i am crying with the thought of what may happen. I cant get past it, i dont no how.

i cant read this back to myself so sorry for errors or bad spelling, reading it back with make it more real.

They say the waiting part is the worst i dont want to wish my life away but i need to know. I have a feeling that something is wrong, i no it cud be the anx again but that feeling is not leaving me not even for a little bit.

Well thank you to all who have read this, like i said please dont feel the need to reply, i just needed toget it out.

Thank you.

Karen xx

[tigger1964]

hi hun,

I think your a very brave lady, and i hope that writing it all done helped ease some of the fear you have. You take care hun, spk to you soon in chat x

take care


sharon x

[joans60]

Hi Daisy
Have just read your post
You are a very brave lady and we are all here for you
Keep in there
Speak soon.



Love Joanxxx

[smiley]

Kaz your braveness is to be admired hun and you know that no matter what we are all here for you anytime day or night.Y ou are stronger than you think sweetie.

Always here for you

h xxxx

[Danny_dingle]

Sweetheart I am so sorry that you are feeling so rubbish. We are all here for you.

Take care sweetie,

Danny

[Tori Frances]

Daisy, you deserve more support from your husband. I understand that lots of family members find it impossible to understand this - that what you are going through in terms of anxiety I mean - is a genuinely serious illness and you need the same support with these panics as anyone would do with a physical illness. Wish there was some kind of training course we could book our family on, on how to cope with living with someone with anxiety and depression! In the meantime - be kind to yourself. You sound like a fantastic mum, be proud of how you are dealing with this. And when its gets better you will be on here giving someone like yourself the advice they need to cope - you will have even more skills to offer.

[bumbles]

I will be back Daisy have to deliver now. Love and Hugs to you XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[daisy76]

Thank you all so much for your support, I wish i felt as brave as you guys think i am.
As for my husband - i like to think he not supportive cuz he is scared too, but he isnt. He keeps saying i am being moody, how can he not remember how i am feeling and what i am going through.

I have had a strong thoughts day today yet now i am home and the fears have returned.
To make things worse, my daughters blood results came back today, she has abnormal liver results, so looks like this I have to deal with more, on my own.

[bumbles]

Daisy you are brave, we can only strive in life to be average, and average people gat nervous about medical tests YOUR NORMAL your reactions are the same as everybody else would be. I am sure that your hubby is worried but just trying to keep you upbeat. Also Daisy I have a friend that had abnormal liver results and it turned out to be nothing except the fact that she had been taking painkillers, has Beth been taking any meds for pain? Im not going to tell you that you shouldnt worry allow yourself to be normal girl you are trying to be super human everyone would be worried same as you. You have a lot to go through all the time. One good thing Daisy is if it is to do with the gland and thyroid stuff you might find thst your anxiety willbe gone if they control these things for you. Keep posotive love ya XXXXXXXXXX

[Tori Frances]

Just thought would take the time to sympathise about husbands. Mine been a nightmare today. Somehow as well as suffering the anxiety we have to suffer the guilt that it is apparently avoidable/ all our fault and designed to hurt them in some way. Sorry as you can tell on a bit of a downer.
Thinkiong of you and your scan. Good point up there that it may be something physical and simple that is causing the problem in the first place, then you will recover. You deserve good news and remember to be kind to yourself.

[Vanilla Sky]

Daisy , Im so sorry you are going through a hard time. Why is the waiting so long? Thats the worst bit. It's trying for anyone let alone someone who has anxiety. Bumbles is right Daisy if it is thyroid and its treated you may well find your anxiety will be gone, can you imagine that ? Theres nothing you can do hon but wait for the scan, try and keep positive in the meantime, dont dwell on dark thoughts, distract yourself any way you can to put it out your head, tell yourself that the scan will actually be a good thing especially if it doesnt show anything! Think like that Daisy and you feel stronger. Ring me if you need to chat Loving thoughts are sent to you and family take care Love and hugs Paige X X

[daisy76]

Thank you for your support, all of you.
Please dont think me ungrateful, but it hurts that i get so much love and support from stangers yet not from my husband.
You are right Tori, my husband thinks im creating a "drama" to make his life hell. Last night i showed my threads to my sister, cousin and mum, dont think they new how i was really feeling til then, why did i show them??....cuz i couldnt bring myself to tell them how things were. I also slept in my daughters bed who cuddled me to sleep as i lay there crying, that is not the sign of a good mother, she is only 12 yrs old, yet brings me more comfort in one hug that my husband has given me since i found all this out. I am trying so so hard to stay positive but its hard.
I will keep posting as writing this down helps so much.
You are all such wonderful people and i feel honoured to have "met" you all.
Thank you doesnt seem to be enough but you have no idea what your support means to me, i hope i can do the same to you all one day.

Love you all xxxxxx