How can I help my partner? Any advice appreciated!

[LostBug]

I'm not really sure if this belongs here, but it is sorta social!

Hi everyone, I'm kinda new here, have been readin for the past few days and decided to join. Although I don't suffer myself from anxiety as such (although I have started to wonder recently if I am showing signs of some form of anxiety... however this is a different issue), my boyfriend of 2 years is a sufferer (of anxiety, depression and mild agoraphobia). I'm really just looking for any advice or support on how I can try to help and understand him, especially from others with similar issues.

We first met a couple of years ago, and quite soon into the relationship he was signed off work with stress and depression. At the time I was out of work myself, however have since got a job, which at times is quite demanding mentally. My boyfriend at this time did not obviously feel comfortable telling me he had depression, and didn't respond to my calls texts or emails for a month. I was worried sick that something had happened to him, however he eventually got back in touch and we decided to try again.

Since then, things have been difficult much of the time. He has been to the doctors, sought counselling and is on meds. I live about 50 miles from him, and due to working in the week, I can only really visit at weekends. Although I have explained to him that I don't mind even if its every other weekend we see each other, things have been particularly difficult due to his tendency to cancel our arrangements at the last minute. Although I do appreciate that alot of this is due to his anxiety and depressed state, it does affect me and I do get upset. This often results in an argument, with me feeling guilty at the end of it. And sometimes, we can go for weeks without seeing each other.

On the upside, this last week, things have been better, I have seen him a couple of times - we even managed to go out together for the first time in a long time. And I am so so proud of him for making the effort. I was supposed to see him today, but again has cancelled due to him feeling ill and virusy. Now I know this is probably partly to do with his anxiety, and I can understand that he probably gets nervous when it gets closer to me visiting. I truly believe he loves me, and although I get frustrated, I love him with all my heart and want to do more to help. I know he struggles with social situations, and he has not even met any of my family yet due to this, however I am willing to do whatever it takes to try to help with this because I truly do believe that he is the most amazing person. When we are together, things are perfect, I couldn't ask for more. We don't necessarily go out to lots of places, but the time we spend together is quality time and for me that is more important.

I guess what I would like to know is what do you think would help me to help him, and how can I better understand what he is going through. I know I cannot totaly understand, as I do not suffer (at least not to the same extreme) the anxiety and depression he suffers. I will do whatever I can, and be patient, I just want to be able to help so we can begin to enjoy our relationship like we have done over the last few weeks.

Any advice will be much appreciated :)

[Danny_dingle]

Hey LostBug,

First of all, how lucky he is to have someone like you who loves him and is willing to go to all this trouble to understand and help him! You are a wonderful girlfriend!

As far as helping him goes, I don't think there are masses of things you can do... It sounds like you are being supportive, and just reading on here what other people are going through with similar issues will mean that you have a better understanding of why he behaves like he does, and that in itself will be a big help to him.

The only person that can really and truly help him is himself. Has he thought about counselling? That is the best way to go about getting himself better, as pretty much everyone on this website will agree, although some people (myself included) feel that medication also helps to put you into a healthier place before you start to try to get yourself better mentally, but again this is personal opinion.

If I were you I would get him to go to the doctors again, if you can, and go with him, and maybe suggest whilst your there that they refer him to a counsellor.

Good luck sweetie, we are here for you,

Danny xxx

[Carefree]

I thought your post was very heart-warming, and your partner is very lucky to have you :)

Anxieties you'll find are deeply rooted in esteem in most cases. Many sufferers just haven't worked out what has caused their drop to self esteem, and many aren't even aware of having low self-esteem, they just see the symptoms. There may be an event in his life that triggered his problems, something traumatic - but usually that isn't the case. Do be on the lookout for something he mentions however that may indicate a traumatic experience that may require professional help.

Help your partner achieve, be it at further education, work, business, whatever he has his mind set on - and his esteem will rise. Even complimenting him when you're out with him in public will give him a nice temporary lift.

When you get him out in public, it's important that you keep the ball rolling, keep him active. Because if he's left for a week or two into the house, he'll lose that small amount of confidence he gained by 'surviving' out in public and you'll regress to square one again.

Keep him out, even if it's out to do little errands or what have you.

Talking about anxiety and depression very often makes the sufferer very self-aware and will make them feel too anxious to relax fully. I would personally avoid treating him like he has a problem, and get on with the job or having a normal relationship and life.

Doing things that are normal, regularly, will speed his rehabilitation.

:welcome:

[LostBug]

Thanks for the replies guys :)

Danny, I definitely think reading this forum has helped a great deal, particularly for me as I have been able to see that the sorts of behaviours he displays are more to do with the anxiety rather than aimed at me. Sometimes I know he gets frustrated with himself as he knows he quite often takes it out on me. Hopefully, the more I read, the better I will understand, and the calmer I will feel which in turn should help my reactions to him. I don't want to moan and get upset at him all the time, and I try my best to make sure I tell him how proud I am of him, and tell him how much I love him and when he makes me happy.

I have told him also, that he has to help himself, that although I will be there as much as I can, ultimately he has to want to change for himself. I know it seems tough love, but I know that is true. He has since been to the doctors, is now taking citalopram and has been referred for further treatment, so hopefully this will help. I have also bought a book to try to also help myself deal with the issues that we both face, a book by Anne Sheffield which was really helpful, and I will continue to read and research so although I may not understand how his head feels, I can appreciate more the reasons behind what he is going through.

Carefree, thanks for your advice, particularly regarding the esteem issue. He has said that there have been things that have made him feel the way he does, most of them rooted back to before I even knew him. He opens up every so often, and I listen. I am conscious not to judge or criticise him, as I am not phased by what he may have done previously, my main aim is to focus on the present and try to move forward. I will always sit and listen to him. I would much rather he open up and feel comfortable doing it in his own time, than me pressing for information. I try as much as possible to not refer to his anxiety as a problem - it is something that makes him who he is, and I do not in any way want to change him. I love everything about him, and although he knows he has issues and needs help I try not to make him feel different, or victimised in any way. Sometimes this is hard, particularly when he cancels for the umpteenth time, and shouts at me. But I try as much as I possibly can.

Keeping him out is sometimes difficult, but I try to make a point of going out to get food or what have you, even if we don't "go out" as such to the cinema etc as I know these situations he finds difficult. We did go to a museum the other day tho, which we both enjoyed, and when we're not together I try to refer back to the good times we have when we're out.

Sometimes I feel like its all too much to bear, but then I'll get my book out and relax myself, once I've done this I feel a little bit stronger. And I am really grateful to your support on NMP too - I imagine this forum will be an invaluable source of support for me, however long things may take to work out! Thank you guys again :)

[reallyfedup]

you sound lovely. As a sufferer the things I need are
reassurance that I will get better, praise for achieving the smallest of things, few expectations or demands made of me as I can't cope with the pressure of responsibility ,reliability and dependability and acceptance of my 'illness' . You can't understand how he feels as those feelings are unique to him, but you can ask him what he needs or wants from you. You can't get any more supportive than that . Good luck to you both x

[seemann]

you are really great and your boy friend is really very lucky...i hope and wish he gets better soon..

[LostBug]

Hi guys,

I know its been a while since I last posted on here, but thought I would just give you an update - and a good one at that!

Thankyou all for your kind words and advice following my post - it truly did help, and I continue to read and research to help my boyfriend when he needs it.

Since posting, things remained difficult for a few weeks, however around May last year, after a very tearful argument, things really turned a corner for me and my bf - we began seeing each other weekly, and for whole weekends rather than just one night. Soon, going home was more difficult than anything else, and it was that what got to me more! Since settling on the citalopram and a new routine, me and my boyfriend have completely sorted things out - he seems calmer, more relaxed and generally in himself happier. So much have things improved that, in November last year we moved in together and things are really, really good!

Of course, the anxiety and the little niggling issues will always be there, but now I think we both know how much we love each other and we will face whatever comes at us together! I'm looking for a new job, and once that is sorted we will look for a flat together (currently, we are living in a house share!). We spent our first proper Christmas together, and I can honestly say all the tears and effort were worth it - if anything, we have overcome the hardest part together and we appreciate each other so much more!

Anyway guys, just thought I'd share this with you all, as you were so helpful and I think its nice to hear a happy ending!!

Good luck to you all, and again, thanks :)

LostBug!

[KK77]

Well, that's good news LostBug. I hope things continue to go well for you and your boyfriend - it looks as though you've both put in a lot of effort into being together and sorting things out. And you've succeeded!

Wish you both well.