nikkinik
19-04-09, 11:00
I truely feel I must be developing some sort of psychotic (http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&lr=&ei=VfDqSZawFs-ZjAe74OWeCg&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=1&ct=result&cd=1&q=psychotic&spell=1) disorder!?
As some of you may know Ive been suffering with agoraphobia and panic attacks for about 5 yrs now..
But last night I feel like things have gone to a whole new, and extremely scary level..
At 10pm me and my fiance started playing on the Xbox, it was only Lego Indiana Jones, not anything horrific! during this time I felt cold but clammy.. and on and off I did panic a little (as I have developed health anxiety too now - had it for just over a yr).. 12.25am we turn it off, and at 1am we're in bed. Im in bed with our son, my fiance is in bed on his own.
Other than feeling cold (had got a hot water bottle by now!) I felt ok.
I had a wash, brushed my teeth, then at 1.30am I tried to settle to sleep as I was finally getting tired.
I lay in bed, now freezing cold and starting to feel quite confused.. I get up, get extra blankets etc. By 2am Im feeling even more confused.. 2.30 Im getting a bit delirous.. seeing shadows, the curtains moving out towards me, jumping everytime I drop off to sleep, having weird visions as soon as I 'relax', and about odd stuff too.. and I know you will laugh(!), but really weird things about sausages walking down the street ffs (Id cooked sausages at dinner), about getting drop kicked.. there were little lego men in some of my visions! I just couldnt calm myself AT ALL:weep: .
I put the Tv on with subtitles (didnt want to wake my son), but I was only reading the middle words, words to the left and right were getting missed out, so I was confusing myself more because what they were saying made no sense at all :shrug: :wacko: .
I went into my fiances room and tried to sleep next to him, I couldnt, and by this time I felt sick too.. Id thought earlier - 'At least I dont feel sick. If I did Id be really worried..' then bingo!:lac: I go back to my bed to allow him to sleep. Im feeling sick, hot yet cold, panicy, afraid to the core because of my mental state, everything really.
30 mins later the visions etc are getting even stonger, Im feeling more delirious and confused.. I go and tell my fiance Im scared but am too embarassed to explain fully.. I try and rest with him but it doesnt help. I sneek off with the symptoms book!
Normally the book makes me feel better, it helps me be rational.. but this time under the section 'delierious' and 'confused' it said its a sign of something more serious and maybe a serious infection, and the person should seek immediate medical attention. Tbh Id felt on and off that I should ring an ambulance, I felt really petrifed, totally confused and disorientated and I wanted a) it to stop, and b) to get some help. I felt like it would never end.. I was up and down out of bed, turning the fan on, opening the windows, putting on layers, taking them off, figeting, not being able to get confortable, not being able to shut off my thoughts/mind :weep: ! I also wanted my Mum! :weep:
At 4am Id finally dropped off, I woke up again but was just relieved that Id finally managed to calm enough to fall asleep.. I remember being scared that by being awake it would start all over again, but luckily I wasnt too bad. At one point I wondered if Id ever fall asleep again with all this going through my head!
I know youre going to say it was playing on the xbox or something.. but Ive done it before and felt fine, Id also been ok during the day, Id managed to go out without much of a panic..
And If you say 'Ive felt that too' I know youre either saying it to make me feel better, or you just dont realise how bad things were.. it was TERRIBLE.
Im going mad, I must be.
I refused to talk to my fiance about it this morning, so hes now p*ssed off with me, he said 'I need to know what was going on so I know how bad it was' which kinda confirmed to me that things are bad, otherwise he wouldnt be scared too and he wouldnt be saying that.
I dont feel great today either, I feel worn out, weak, petrifed.. I cant face eatting (which I never do when Im really anxious), and Im totally in fear of it happening again, and of whats going on for it to happen in the first place.
Im so scared to go to bed tonight:weep:
Theyre going to put me in a mental hospital Im sure :weep:.. I have my son to take care of.. what will I do :weep: .
As some of you may know Ive been suffering with agoraphobia and panic attacks for about 5 yrs now..
But last night I feel like things have gone to a whole new, and extremely scary level..
At 10pm me and my fiance started playing on the Xbox, it was only Lego Indiana Jones, not anything horrific! during this time I felt cold but clammy.. and on and off I did panic a little (as I have developed health anxiety too now - had it for just over a yr).. 12.25am we turn it off, and at 1am we're in bed. Im in bed with our son, my fiance is in bed on his own.
Other than feeling cold (had got a hot water bottle by now!) I felt ok.
I had a wash, brushed my teeth, then at 1.30am I tried to settle to sleep as I was finally getting tired.
I lay in bed, now freezing cold and starting to feel quite confused.. I get up, get extra blankets etc. By 2am Im feeling even more confused.. 2.30 Im getting a bit delirous.. seeing shadows, the curtains moving out towards me, jumping everytime I drop off to sleep, having weird visions as soon as I 'relax', and about odd stuff too.. and I know you will laugh(!), but really weird things about sausages walking down the street ffs (Id cooked sausages at dinner), about getting drop kicked.. there were little lego men in some of my visions! I just couldnt calm myself AT ALL:weep: .
I put the Tv on with subtitles (didnt want to wake my son), but I was only reading the middle words, words to the left and right were getting missed out, so I was confusing myself more because what they were saying made no sense at all :shrug: :wacko: .
I went into my fiances room and tried to sleep next to him, I couldnt, and by this time I felt sick too.. Id thought earlier - 'At least I dont feel sick. If I did Id be really worried..' then bingo!:lac: I go back to my bed to allow him to sleep. Im feeling sick, hot yet cold, panicy, afraid to the core because of my mental state, everything really.
30 mins later the visions etc are getting even stonger, Im feeling more delirious and confused.. I go and tell my fiance Im scared but am too embarassed to explain fully.. I try and rest with him but it doesnt help. I sneek off with the symptoms book!
Normally the book makes me feel better, it helps me be rational.. but this time under the section 'delierious' and 'confused' it said its a sign of something more serious and maybe a serious infection, and the person should seek immediate medical attention. Tbh Id felt on and off that I should ring an ambulance, I felt really petrifed, totally confused and disorientated and I wanted a) it to stop, and b) to get some help. I felt like it would never end.. I was up and down out of bed, turning the fan on, opening the windows, putting on layers, taking them off, figeting, not being able to get confortable, not being able to shut off my thoughts/mind :weep: ! I also wanted my Mum! :weep:
At 4am Id finally dropped off, I woke up again but was just relieved that Id finally managed to calm enough to fall asleep.. I remember being scared that by being awake it would start all over again, but luckily I wasnt too bad. At one point I wondered if Id ever fall asleep again with all this going through my head!
I know youre going to say it was playing on the xbox or something.. but Ive done it before and felt fine, Id also been ok during the day, Id managed to go out without much of a panic..
And If you say 'Ive felt that too' I know youre either saying it to make me feel better, or you just dont realise how bad things were.. it was TERRIBLE.
Im going mad, I must be.
I refused to talk to my fiance about it this morning, so hes now p*ssed off with me, he said 'I need to know what was going on so I know how bad it was' which kinda confirmed to me that things are bad, otherwise he wouldnt be scared too and he wouldnt be saying that.
I dont feel great today either, I feel worn out, weak, petrifed.. I cant face eatting (which I never do when Im really anxious), and Im totally in fear of it happening again, and of whats going on for it to happen in the first place.
Im so scared to go to bed tonight:weep:
Theyre going to put me in a mental hospital Im sure :weep:.. I have my son to take care of.. what will I do :weep: .