Having a bad few days, feel like it wont go away this time

[goingmadder]

Morning everyone..

Been having a bad few days but now my fear that my anxiety and negative thoughts are here to stay is making it all harder to cope with.

I've been head over heals in love with my boyfriend but around thursday/friday last week, my negative thoughts started again and I started to doubt everything and analyze my feelings, questioning what I am meant to be feeling, scared that my feelings had changed.. i know partly this is to do with low self esteem.. having had an argument with him I felt my barriers (which i had managed to drop for the first time ever) come shooting back up. Thats when my anxiety started. Every waking moment is taken up by negative thoughts and feelings, questioning whether i really love him, whether i really love anyone even my own children.. this isn't a new symptom, i've done this in every relationship even with friendships i have ever had since my anxiety started 11 odd years ago.

I go to sleep feeling guilty for the thoughts convinced that the mere fact im thinking these thoughts means they must be true.. I wake in the middle of the night and in a second the thoughts are back racing through my mind like a speed deamon.

The guilt for the thoughts and the fear that they are true cause such anxiety inside me... I feel like i want to get out of my body and leave it behind.. get out of my head ... If i could run away from myself i would.

My boyfriend (although not perfect who is) is the most loving adorable affectionate caring gorgeous man I have ever been privledged to meet. We both have issues we need to deal with as individuals and as a couple but we are both aware of these things and can talk quite openly with eachother about them.

Im just so terrified of these feelings not going away... i want things back as they were a week ago... The analyzing and the doubts are so not wanted. I want to be with him, i want to build our lives together.. we've spoken or marriage, babies living together, he's taking on me and my two daughters thats a big step for anyone... I know he loves me...

All of my relationships have ended because of my analyzing.,.. i doubt myself into a corner feel totly unworthy og their love because i feel like i don't have the same feelings because my negativity fills my head with so much crap eventualy i break it off out of guilt or i make them hate me and make them leave me but always because i think they deserve better, they deserve someone who can love them ...

My doubts are not isolated to boyfriends though.. once in the cycle of questioning i question all my loves... my children.. what do i feel for them nothing... other family members? nothing friends? nothing... what am i meant to feel for them.. do i care about them? do i do things for them for my own selfish benefit, to make myself feel good? the list of questions go on...

I JUST WANT IT TO END... i want to feel happy and in love and just get on with enjoying my life but my brain wont stop!!! : (

I hate this!

Hope others are having a better day than I

[phil06]

Sounds like you are obsessing over relationships quite common with anxiety. I suffered the same and questioning friendships at the moment.

My best advice is give yourself a few days to think and try and talk to somebody who can reassure you. I once told one of my ex g.fs I no longer had feelings for her and I hurt her emotionally. I made a mistake there luckily a few days later after some reassurance I realised I did still love her.

If you over analyze the mind the problem soon becomes bigger than it has to be. We all have the odd doubts but let them pass but if you start questioning your judgements you feel these doubts are true.

The best think to do is relax let your head clear. Take each day as it comes and just let things run there course. :)

[Southern_Belle]

Hi,

These are all normal thoughts of anxiety and low self esteem. In my opinion you need counseling to find out why you have such low self esteem and to help you build it back up. Just because you know that you have self esteem issues is not enough. You are repeating a pattern and you know it but do not know how to stop it even though you want to. The guilt is tied in with low self esteem too. I would imagine that you could find a way to make yourself feel guilty for your child not making a good grade on a test because you didn't help her study! It can be endless. I know because I have been there. It will also help you understand what triggered your anxiety 11 years ago.

It is good that you have an understanding partner and I am sure he will be supportive. Please try and do this because you will be amazed at how much you will learn about yourself and how your life will change for the better. You can't truly love others until you love yourself.

Take care,

Laura

[mysonmarcus]

Hi Going madder

Try to stop 'wanting'..........please realise that is causes a blockage, becomes an unresolved emotional issue, which fuels the lack of self esteem, its a predictable process.................. hitting your head against a brick wall is an overused saying, now how much would your head hurt if you tried???????????????? Well, you can see how much your emotions hurt when you do the self same thing with your thoughts.

The new begining is as things are right now, as you are right now.

You are so right, you think the thoughts, therefore to your mind inside they ARE real........................outside, in FRONT of your eyes, there is another reality, a kinder and more balanced one.

The responsibilty for getting yourself right is not wholly yours, nor the fellow you love, nor your family or Dr................its a collective effort on the part of all of us.

Forget self esteem just for now, its a symptom not a cause, the cause is loss, guilt, unrealistic expectations and a few more.

The reason your nerves are on edge today are clear, you wrote them all down....................if I hit my finger with a hammer once it will hurt, if I hit it again and again and again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is what you are doing with your nerves. I repeat this purposefully, I need you see it is so.

It will help you know you are trying to fix yourself in great big chunks. if you choose to deal with little bits at a time, you will find a nice level of calming, not calm, just 'lower.

Today and for the rest of the day you focus your mind in one important place..........................quieting the mind. Trust me.

Best wishes to you.

Mark

[goingmadder]

Hey thanks everyone...

Great adivce from all... THanks for the reassurance...

I do actually feel better today... Yesterday afternoon i came across Relationship OCD which i had never heard of before and found so many people experiencing similar issues...

It is amazing how much i am learning and finding out about myself.. its a scary journey but also quite exciting as I have been longing to figure out certain things about myself.. I feel like i've always been 2 people.. the person people on the outside see and the person that sits inside watching myself and analyzing everything i do think or feel...

Just for background, i beleive my mental and emotional issues stem from trauma in my childhood... 12 years (that i can remember) of sexual abuse and 16 years of physical abuse (all be it on a mild scale by comparison to most) Never had a good relationship with my mother as her way of dealing with things was always to get angry and lash out.. I never felt i could trust her ... So many things i could go into that has some bearing on my issues today...

Whats wierd is that I don't look back and hate anyone or even like blaming anyone and never told my parents what was happening to me even afterwards as an adult because i feared and still fear that it would destroy the family, but apparanlty thats a stereo typical characteristic of a person who's suffered abuse... on top of that I also moved a lot as a kid and always seemed or felt like i'd lost everything i loved or cared about each time we moved... leave family and friends and start over again, i must have had 4-5 different primary schools and moved countries then again when i was 14 same thing again, moved countries...i always adapted well but obviously it caused unseen fears and issues in my head which i blocked out for years until my first anxiety attack at 17...

You're all right ... It has to be step by little step one small chunk at a time...

Thank you all agian for your messages again...

Big hugs to all

X