View Full Version : Strength Through Anger
I don't know about other sufferers, but I automatically personify anxiety. In my mind I make it into a material thing that exists outside of my head. I think this is good because it allows me to get angry with it in the same way that I would get angry with an extremely irritating Big Brother contestant. In fact, it makes me far more angry because, unlike an irritating BB contestant, it's ruining my life. When I think of all of the things other people my age do that I can't it makes me absolutely furious. While this could be seen as a bad thing, I find that it gives me a sort of energy - like a determination to beat it. About a month ago I was going to an evening class and I almost turned back because I couldn't breathe, but then I started getting angry and I said (out loud but nobody was around :blush: ) 'No! I'm not letting you stop me from doing another thing I want to do. I don't care if this breathlessness kills me because I'm fed up. I'm not panicking and shaking and going home and putting my life on hold again.' I did go to the evening class, I just did it out of spite. I thought 'I'll show you!'.
I'm rambling now and I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I wonder whether other people have found that getting angry with anxiety has enabled them to do things they otherwise couldn't manage.
Hi there, I suppose that what I did the other week was similar. Because of the anxiety, I had been unable to drive to my parents 60 miles away, for the last 3 years. Before I had the breakdown I could do it without even thinking about it. Then I had the breakdown which included anxiety/panics in the car! That put an end to my driving for a year or so. Then I started going short distances, then 10 miles, then a little bit further. But on Good Friday, I woke up wondering wether I should go to my parents or not. I knew that if I didnt at least try, I would be angry with myself all day so I tried, and I succeeded! I had been worried about getting half way there and not wanting to drive any further, or getting all the way there and not wanting to or not feeling like driving home. In the event, although I felt a bit strange for the first hour or so, I was fine and when I drove home, I felt even better. Not being able to drive to my parents these last 3 years has been mental torture. But at last, I have proved I can do it. I understand only too well Ireni, how it feels to have your life put on hold. I have felt like I have been wading through treacle these last couple of years and it has all been a very slow process, getting back on my feet again. I would say I am 90% recovered now. Well done for going to the evening class. I think we have to keep on getting out and about and doing as much as we can and the anxiety etc will start to disolve. I admit that I have cried buckets over the last 3 years though. It is one of the worst things ever, isnt it.
Best Wishes
Shirley
mysonmarcus
22-04-09, 11:24
Ireni, this is a great post, so many great lessons, I hope everyone reads and learns a lot.
Anger does drive up determination by its very existence, the focus is away from discouraging thoughts......................I am not sure if anyone else has noticed in themselves if they are cross with a situation or partner there is at least partial respite from anxiety?? Anger is positive self control in this instance.
....and Shirley..............the break you gave yourself by not driving allowed some time for the 'fear to thought' association of being at the wheel to lessen and confidence to rise.............if you had just concentrated on quietening your thoughts and waiting until until you feel a 'positive urge' you would have been able to have done this sooner.
Anger was positive in Ireni's instance and time spent away from the car was positive in Shirleys.................. both led to a reduction in tension when the body and mind was 'ready' (not forced to 'move' forward).
Very, very well done girls.......I do so hope everyone on here realise how important your posts were.
Best wishes as always.
Mark
Dizzy-Dave
22-04-09, 22:57
I do that !
Haha how funny. I didn't realise others do the same. I get angry, I talk to my anxiety and sometimes i even pick a fight with it !
I end up laughing because i realise what i'm doing.
Defo helps !
Well done, Shirley! It's wonderful that you managed to drive despite anxiety. I bet you were really proud of yourself after that. You're right, it is one of the worst things ever - I think anxiety is too often belittled by non-sufferers because they think it's just feeling 'a bit nervous'. And I'm glad you're making progress, although it's so frustrating when you feel it's going too slowly.
Thanks, Mark. And it isn't just anger that can work as a distraction. A while ago I saw a little girl fall over in the street and I went to see if she was alright. Afterwards I realised that my 'symptoms' had disappeared. It must be something to do with shifting the focus from internal things to external things.
Don't worry Dave, you're definitely not the only one. It's a great way of dealing with anxiety, but I still wouldn't reccommend doing it on...say...a bus. You'd get some very strange looks! :)
Great Post!
Im exactly the same. I look at all my friends going to the seaside on a weekend, having fun, going out on a sataday night and it makes me think WTF, im struggling to walk to a shop without nearly fainting. So its got to the point where im walking further and further until the anxiety comes right up into my face and i just basically tell it to f**k off! Like you said in your point, its got to the point where its like ' if you want to kill me in the street your more then welcome because theirs no way im turning around now' . lol.
Hi Mark, Yes perhaps I would have been able to do the drive sooner if I had concentrated on quietening my thoughts and waited for a positive urge.
Irini, Yes I was quite proud of myself after I had done the drive. Yes I agree, anxiety is belittled by none sufferers. As you say, they think its just feeling "a bit nervous". My mum in law is clueless about anxiety too, like most people. I have had 4 breakdowns in 30 years and have had anxiety/Panic and agoraphobia too. This time is was mainly anxiety. Though I have worked on it not developing into agoraphobia. But Mum in law said its "just mind over matter". I told her that if you have not been in that position as I have, you really have no idea about anxiety or how it feels. I think she would get the shock of her life if she had had a breakdown. I got a shock when my last one happened 3 years ago, and I have had them before! The Psychological services wanted to work with me to find out why I have had so many breakdowns but I was too scared to go down that road and we decided to get me back on my feet before they did anything else. As I said to my hubby, now he knows what Psychological disaster I am and now he knows what a long road to recovery it is, once you have a breakdown.
Anyway Irini, how are you doing? What have you done this week? I am glad that getting angry is enabling you to do more. I know what you mean about distractions too. I can see just what you mean when you talk about the little girl falling in the street. That is one thing I have always noticed - that when my concentration is elsewhere, the symtoms go! That includes the unreality as well. If I dont focus on it and just get on with enjoying myself, its NOT there!
Take Care
Shirley
Have you ever tried to explain anxiety to your mother in law? Or would it be too awkward? In a way, anxiety is mind over matter; it's your mind that causes the physical symptoms and your mind that plays tricks on you, but that doesn't make it any less real or terrifying.
Did you find that your agoraphobia came after you started getting panic attacks? In my experience, panic attacks came first and then it started getting harder and harder to go out as I felt unsafe leaving home because I associated it with horrible experiences and feelings.
I hope you don't mind me asking this, but why were you scared of the psychological services' involvement? Maybe they'd have been able to help. Anyway, you've done amazingly well to cope through 4 breakdowns. When you're having one it seems like it'll never get better and it's tempting to just give up, but you didn't so...well done. Would you say that you're better now?
I went to the evening class this week (It's a year-long thing so I still go there). It was actually very hard to go back after the Easter holiday and I had the first panic attack in ages. Another frustrating thing about anxiety is the 'fight or flight' response that you get. I had to sit in the class for 2 and a half hours and all I wanted to do was get up and run! Instead, I thought 'well I can either flee back home or I can stay and fight'. Another problem I'm having is to do with my mum - I can't go anywhere without her. I know it's pathetic seeing as I'm 17, but it's so difficult to get public transport on my own or walk through town by myself. :blush:
But anyway, that's just me ranting...I'll stop now.
One last thing, Shirley, you mentioned 'unreality'. Do you get dissociation or depersonalization or whatever it's called?
Hi Ireni, No I have never tried to explain the anxiety to mum in law. It would be too awkaward. Yes it is your mind that causes the physical symptoms and your mind that plays the most awful tricks on you and as you say, that doesnt make it any less terrifying. But hubbys mum said, "Its mind over matter" in that "Pull your self together, its nothing" attitude and is clueless to the impact that anxiety has on your life etc.
I had agoraphobia when I was 19 and yes it probably came after I started with panic attacks. I was so bad then that I was panicking at home as well as when I tried to go out. My only safe place was in bed on a night. The doctors told me I was being stupid when I should have been in hospital. I thought my life was over. But it came right in the end.
Re the Psychological services, they have helped. They sent me to a day long anxiety workshop last summer (after I had been on the waiting list for 18 months!!!) and then I went on a course for about 2 months every Tuesday night (September to November) last year. It was a continuation from the day workshop. Then I have seen my OT since then and in fact she discharged me about a monthe ago. I said I didnt want to be discharged because if I had a relapse I would have to wait 18 months ago to get an appointment!! Anyway I think that if the Psychological services had to delve into my past to find out why I had had so many breakdowns, it would maybe bring on a replapse or worse. I am too scared to go there. You are right. In the middle of a breakdown it seems like you will never get better. But it comes with time and if you keep trying to help yourself by getting out and doing as much as you feel able to. I would say I am about 90% recovered now but its taken the best part of 3 years in this instance. Its the longest breakdown I have ever had!!
Sorry to hear you had your first PA in ages. But well done you for sitting there for 2.5 hours. That takes a lot of doing, a real lot of doing. I admire you for sitting there and doing that. Re going everywhere with your mum, I dont think its pathetic at all. Before I was housebound when I was 19, I went everywhere with my mum too. Into town on buses etc. I know exactly how you feel, given that I have had PAs, Agoraphobia and anxiety. The time will come when you can do these things on your own like it did for me. When you feel ok going with your mum, then thats the time to say well, I am fine with my mum, I should be fine on my own now too and try to go to town for 30 minutes on your own - but only when you are ready. You will know when that time is.
Re unreality, that IS dissociation!! Or Derealisation. I have had it a lot over the last 3 years and its only since Xmas that I am getting less scared by it. I have had it before too, when I have had breakdowns. Believe it or not it clears completely. PAs, Unreality, Anxiety, the lot. It all goes. In between my 4 breakdowns, I went to USA three times and you dont do that if you have got anxiety etc! The last time I flew to LA on my own!!
Hope you are having a great weekend.
Shirley
mysonmarcus
25-04-09, 19:15
Hi ladies
So good to read your continuing posts.............................. to forget oneself is one of the goals of anxiety recovery that just CAN'T happen whilst in the anxious state, the levels of anxiety have to go down to lower than the mid level before you inner awareness switches from 'on' (looking out for danger), to outward and into normal life.
Going below the mid level comes from living 'with' and embracing the feelings of being on edge or agitation (this is for the courageoous). For some the key is for the person to adjust their life back before moving forward again............. and for another the deep understanding of what panic is and is not is proves to be enough. The individual sufferer whose panics are NOT connected to bodily sensations but to an outward trauma or conditions of living can best adjust and recover more quickly in these instances.
With lower levels of anxiety comes lower levels of introspection. and interest in what is 'in front' of the eyes increases, and what is behind the eyes decreases (anxious thought) in importance although the core belief and fear is sill present..............................this outward perspective is the cue, the timing is right then to deal with the 'cause', which is not possible to deal with it before.
The urge to venture, experiment and live freer becomes attractive and life begins to take on normality.
The danger is that we quickly forget to adjust ourselves when well into recovery so that a re-occurence and relapse does not occur.
Knowing ones personal stressors so we can keep them in balance is crucially important.
Very best wishes to you both.
Mark
HI Mark, Great to read your post too. I know, to forget oneself, the levels of anxiety have to go down to lower than mid level before inner awareness goes from "on" to outward and into normal life. Yes going below mid level comes from "living with" or "accepting" the anxiety symptoms and not trying to push them away. I think I have reached such a stage where I have lived with the symptoms and accepted them. It has taken a lot of doing and my relatives would never believe it. But its a fact. They would be so shocked if they had any clue as to what I have just been through these last 3 years.
Yes, when anxiety levels get lower, what is "in front" of the eyes increases and what is behind them, decreases. No doubt about that.
Since Xmas I have been at the stage where I have had the urge to venture, experiment and live freer. It has definitely become attractive. And yes, although not perfect, life has become more "normal" since then.
I am not sure what you mean by "Adjust ourselves when well into recovery so that a relapse does not occur", though.
As for personal stressors, they are my 15 year old twins!!!!
No doubt about it, it has been a long, long and extremely difficult time, getting over this breakdown but I am winning.
I was at Bygone Times in Chorley with hubby and kids today. I walked round there for 3 hours. I didnt feel 100% but I remembered what you said about people who drink etc, not bothering about their weird symptoms and I thought "Stuff it, I am going to enjoy myself no matter how I feel. Nothing has happened before because of how I feel and its not going to happen now, either". And guess what, NOTHING happened!
Best Wishes.
Shirley
PS. Another thought that I have kept reminding myself of - "What you resist, persists!!". So I try and not resist how I am feeling.
Hi again Mark and Irini, How are you today? OK I hope. I have just pushed myself forward again. I drove the 18 miles into Preston. Got caught in traffic queues and all sorts. Parked behind FisherGate Shopping Centre. For the first hour or so, I felt unreal but I carried on walking up the road regardless and just "went with it". After an hour or so, it was getting less and less so that eventually it wasnt there at all. I was quite a way from my car (During my illness I have not wanted to be far from the car) having walked from the Railway Station to the Market, but I was ok. Once of a day, all my attention would have been on the quickest route back to the car but that is going too. Instead, my thoughts are, "I am about a mile from the car so there is no point bothering about it - just get on with what you are doing". And thats what I did. I was in Preston from 10am till 12.45pm and I was knackered when I got back to the car. I am 52 years old and in the last 3 years since the breakdown my arthritis is a load worse. So that made it hard work. But at least, although I am not 100% yet, I am almost there and I can do most things now. It seems to have taken years to get to this stage though.
Shirley
Hi again, Shirley and Mark.
I'm going to see my psychologist today. I'm hoping to ask him about agoraphobia and how to deal with health anxiety. It's getting in the way too much!
Well done again for managing to cope. Part of me feels bad for saying well done, because it doesn't convey just how great an achievement it is when someone overcomes panic. I can understand about wanting to be close to your car, by the way.
And another thing - I completely relate to both of your previous posts. I've found that when you get less anxious the world seems less overwhelming and more appealing, which makes it easier to look 'outwards' and focus on external things.
Hi Irini, I hope all goes well with the Psychologist. I saw one about 20 years ago when I had had a breakdown and he got me back on my feet, partly by showing me how to breathe properly again as I was hyperventilating badly. I was cured in about 6 months. Sent him a postcard from Florida about a year later so he would know I was 100% back on my feet!!
Dont feel bad for saying well done Irini. I know what you mean. Yes I was well away from the car yesterday. When I was at my worst during the last 3 years, I would not go to a shop if I could not park right outside it and I would not even cross the road in case I could not get back to the car quick enough! I have had to re train myself to do things I would normally take for granted. Ie when I first started going into town I would only go a short way from the car, then when I was "used" to that, I would go a bit further and stay for longer. I would go and look round Ethel Austins or Woolies before it closed, feeling dead rough and hiding my tears. I knew if I was going to overcome this awful thing, that I would have to stick it out and not go back to the car. I always did this on my own by the way. Never wanted to go with anybody as they may have wanted to go to the far end of town and I wasnt ready for that. Eventually I began to trust my self and feel a bit more confident, the same with driving the car. Now I am 90% ok again. The other week my family and I ended up in Lancaster on the way to the Lakes. I knew hubby would be going all over but I followed him around and was ok, not 100% but enough to know that although I felt a bit strange, nothing bad would happen. So you do get there in the end Irini.
You are right with you last paragraph too. As the anxiety lessens, it is easier to look outwards and focus on external things. Thats what I am doing more of these days. Infact I do two voluntary jobs. I am at Martin Mere on the info Desk on Thursdays and I work in the hospital shop as and when they need me. Doing those things takes my mind off me too. I have even managed to walk to the hospital shop recently too. Other people would not think its far but it is when you are trying to get over anxiety etc. Its about 3/4 of a mile. Well away from the house and the car but I have done it a couple of times now so I am gettting there. And you will too, all in good time.
Please let us know how you get on with the Psychologist. I will be thinking of you because I know exactly how it feels.
Take Care
Shirley
Hi again, Thought I would just let you know I have had another breakthrough this morning. I went in the car with my friend (her car and she was driving) to a garden centre 10 miles away. Then we came back to town and went to the retail park and had a drink in the cafe at Asda too. We were gone about 3 hours. I could not have done this last year, or the year before. I would have avoided it at all costs or made up some excuse as to why I didnt want to go in the car with my friend. Thing is, since the breakdown 3 years ago, I have not wanted to travel with anyone other than my husband (didnt want to go with him either for ages if I am honest) incase I couldnt handle how I was feeling and could not just leave or come home when I wanted. But I realised that I have been "ok" on my own for a while now so surely I will be ok if I get in the car with my friend and let her take me somewhere. So there we were at this garden centre and I am looking round thinking, "Well I am here without my car, miles from home too." But I was ok. Nothing happened. It was good.
I am wondering how you are getting on with the Psychologist Ireni. I hope its going well.
Shirley
I know exactly what you mean about needing to do those things on your own. When you're out with other people it feels as though you have to follow their lead and that means you're not in as much control if you want to go back quickly. You're obviously doing very well though. I doubt that I could travel as far from home as you have, although I suppose it just takes time.
I love your story about the garden centre. It's great when you do go out and have a positive experience. You might even start to enjoy going out.
The psychologist appointment was really good. He's very helpful and not patronising like some people I've seen in the past. I feel quite ill today though. I feel really hot like I have a temperature and sick. I'm supposed to be going to the evening class tonight and I want to do it, but I'm just scared in case I'm ill when I'm there. I'm also a bit scared in case I have swine flu. I know I'm probably being silly...
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